Leslie's Omnibus

From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

From Catfish:

A guy walks into the local welfare office, marches straight up to the counter and says:"Hi... You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really rather have a job."

The social worker behind the counter says: "Your timing is excellent.We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants achauffeur and bodyguardfor his beautiful nymphomaniac daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, but he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort her on her overseas holiday trips. You will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage.The starting salary is $200,000 a year."

The guy, wide-eyed, says, "You're bullshittin' me!"

The social worker says, "Yeah, well... you started it."

This, too: Post-Season Collegiate Football Quiz

1) What does the average Alabama Player get on his SATs?

2) What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas Cheerleaders in one room?
.........A full set of teeth.

3) How do you get a South Carolina Cheerleader into your dorm room?
.........Grease her hips and push.

4) How do you get a Georgia Graduate off your porch?
.........Pay him for the pizza.

5) How do you know if a Mississippi State football player has a Girlfriend?
........There is tobacco spit on both sides of his pickup

6) Why is the Kentucky Football team like a possum?
.........Because they play dead at home and get killed on the road.

7) What are the longest three years of an Auburn football player's Life?
.........His freshman year.

8) How many Florida Freshmen does it take to change a light bulb?
.........None. That's a sophomore course.

9) Where was O. J. headed in the white Bronco?
........Baton Rouge, Louisiana. He knew that the police would never look at LSU for a Heisman Trophy winner.

AND FINALLY (drum roll and cymbal crash.....)

10) Why did Tennessee choose orange as their team color?
.........You can wear it to the game on Saturday, hunting on Sunday, and picking up trash along the highways the rest of the week.

And this, too:

St Peter is manning the Pearly Gates when forty people from New Orleans 9th ward show up. Never having seen any one from the Big Easy at heaven's door, St. Peter says that he will have to check with God. God instructs him to admit the ten most virtuous people from the group.

A few minutes later St. Peter returns to God breathless and says "They're gone! They're gone!".

"What? All the New Orleaneans are gone?" says God.

"No," replies St Peter, "The Pearly Gates are gone!"

And this:

A pompous minister was seated next to a redneck on a flight across the country. After the plane was airborne, drink orders were taken.

The redneck asked the flight attendant for a whiskey and soda, which was brought and placed before him.

The flight attendant then asked the minister if he would like a drink.

He replied in disgust, "I'd rather be savagely raped by brazen whores than let liquor touch these lips."

The redneck promptly handed his drink back to the flight attendant and said, "Shittt...., me too.... I didn't know we had a choice."

And this: Official Announcement

The government today announced that it is changing its emblem from an Eagle to a CONDOM because it more accurately reflects the government's political stance. A condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sense of security while you're actually being screwed.

The Sweetheart of Shell Knob, MO sent this: VERY SAD NEWS

The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in Washington, DC this Christmas season. This isn't for any religious reason, they simply have not been able to find three wise men and a virgin in the Nation's capitol. There was no problem, however, finding enough asses to fill the stable.

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