Bus Fumes

So call it a fictionalized memoir fer cripesakes. No matter how you slice it, it's still damn fine reading.
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Speaking of books, Daniel Drezner ponders whether or not to buy Ana Marie Cox's new book and concludes:

"In the end, I suspect I'll grab a copy, because a) The excerpts I've seen do match Cox's spicy wit...."

Surely there's a typo in there. He meant "twit," not "wit," didn't he?
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I'm sick of smoking. I'm sick of the smell. I'm sick of it taking two to three times as long to get over a chest cold as a non-smoker. I'm tired of the expense. I'm tired of having something have this much control over my body. I can't believe I've been through my mom's chemo and radiation treatments for lung cancer, and I'm still smoking. That's lunacy.

I started on Zyban yesterday. Five days of one pill a day, then up the dose to two pills a day and quit smoking. Yes. I'm quitting. I pick up a nicotine nasal spray tonight. As of Saturday, I'm a non-smoker.

Once I do this, I don't ever intend to put myself through this again. Failure is not an option. If the Zyban and the inhaler don't work, I'll go the accupuncture route. Or hypnosis. Or laser treatment.

Whatever it takes, I'm not doing this any more.

So, yeah. The next couple of weeks are not going to be the most pleasant of times for me (or Buckaroo Bonsai, probably).

On top of this, there's good reason to believe I have sleep apnea, so on Monday night I take myself off to a sleep center for testing.

Here's the really fun part: "Avoid caffeine or stimulants for 12 hours before your scheduled time of arrival at the sleep center, unless prescribed by your doctor."

Great.

No coffee or alcohol while I'm already jonesing for a smoke. They'll either be peeling me off the ceiling or I'll immediately be out like a light from the shock to my system. Either way, I ought to be a real charmer by Tuesday morning.

Say a prayer for Buckaroo Bonsai... and my bosses, coworkers and friends.

Me? I'll be a bitch. But I'll be a non-smoking bitch.
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Rubber-Necking

"I don't care, man. That shit's atrocious."

Heh!
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Roadside Diversions

J-Walk points the way to the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster. Go thee there and worship His Noodly Holiness.

(Posted especially for El Capitan and Mark A. Rayner!)
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Chartered Excursion -- Recap

It really was The Schiznitzes at Fritz's -- both the people and the food. The Schiznitz, indeed.

1. It's a bit disconcerting to walk into a room of people you've never met before and hear the words, "There she is!" from the back of the room. That's a blogmeet for you -- deja vu all over again. They're all your friends -- some old, some new. You're just seeing their faces and hearing their voices for the first time.
   
2. If you're shy, bloggers won't let you feel awkward for very long. We're noisy. We're nosey. We're opinionated. We have wicked senses of humor. And we want you to like us.
   
3. Not a blogger and still going to a blogmeet? See No. 2 above. Yes. We want you to join us. (Just ask Buckaroo Bonsai, who has been warmly welcomed at two separate blogmeets now!)
   
4. There's never enough time to talk to everyone as much as you want to. (Darn it all, anyway!)
   
5. The drinks will flow and the food will be abundant and delicious.
   
6. The conversations will be fascinating.
   
7. There will be some surprises. There always are.
   
8. You'll be adding names to your blogroll almost as soon as you get home.

So... who did I get to spend some quality time with?

Our wonderful host, T1G. (Ummm, Joe? See No. 2 above. Now do you believe me???) He's the kind of guy you want to shoot the shit and drink brewskies with... all evening long. In fact, the Buckaroo and I are already talking about making the trek back to do just that... and soon.

Contagion (kilted, as promised, and also garbed in his hard won Dr. Phat Tony teeshirt) and Ktreva (unkilted and a decidedly modern maiden -- those pix just don't do her justice). Don't forget, folks -- he's shy. Very shy. ('Scuse me while I sneak out the back door and laugh my ass off, okay?) If we could bottle his energy, we could put OPEC out of business.

Graumagus, who hasn't posted much lately, but is a a real sweetheart. Quiet. Dry, dry sense of humor. (Watch out for the twinkle in his eye, which is hidden behind eyeglasses. Just when you think he's completely serious, you'll be pithily zinged.)

Og. Let's be clear -- I love this guy. How can you not love a guy who can make a long haul trucker blush at the drop of a hat? He's a handsome booger, besides. I'm not kidding.

Richmond, who is drop-dead gorgeous, sweet and genuine. (And she thinks I write funny stuff. She's on my good list forever for that.) This gal can share a room with Moogie, Dana and me at any blogmeet, any time. It would be the best slumber party ever. I don't give much higher compliments than that.

Jake Jacobsen and The Bald Chick -- who also work in the downtown area. They are the keepers of Freedom Folks. Smart, passionate, intense -- da bodathem. We're meeting for cocktails after work some time soon.

Matty O'Blackfive. This was particularly interesting, as Matt really tries to keep his blog focused on the military, not on himself. It was great finally meeting the Man of Mystery, let alone being able to break bread with the man. If you get the chance to meet him, go, go, GO! (He can't continue to be a Man of Mystery if I share his secrets, now can he?)

Blake, who we're lobbying hard to put together a blogmeet that includes a personal tour of Wolf Park -- especially for a Full Moon Howl Night. (Interested? Drop him a note and tell him so!) Another wonderful storyteller... and a hell of a nice guy.

Harvey, of Bad Example fame. I'm afraid I was the bad example last night, and not Harvey, though. That's on the one hand. On the other hand, how can you not love and respect a guy willing to deliver such a sound spanking to one of the blog Pantheon? He's another one whose naughiness kind of sneaks up on you when you least expect it.

So..................... Who didn't I get to spend much time with?

Tammi -- But if she needs some help with that little project we discussed briefly, I'm in!

Teresa -- Another Beantown Betty. Jeeze, I feel bad! She flies across the country for a blogmeet and I get to spend all of about five minutes with her! Next time, Teresa. I promise.

TNT -- The lovely lady that Harvey keeps in love notes. I really do want to get to know the woman who inspires that kind of love and devotion!

Sarah (Harvey's niece) and Talula. Time ran out on the clock. Poop! Next time, for sure, okay?

Buckaroo Bonsai, who chatted with several of the ladies I missed, the bartender, the owners of Fritz's and more. Of course, we did plenty of talking on the way home. (Divide and conquer! That's our strategy.)

The food was great. The conversation was wild. The kilt was... plaid. The sporran was hairy and had balls of steel. Tammi is still paying for forgetting the stained glass thingie in contagions truck. (Stay tuned.) Someone was taking pictures, thank goodness. I'll be glad to see them when they're up. Me? I was too busy gabbing to bother with my camera.

Gah! Just like at the blogmeet, I've run out of time today.

P.S. -- One final note of thanks to Eric, who sponsored the cocktails. You are the best. And we'll return the favor next time we see you.
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One of the discussions that arose was the possibility of persuading Ferdie's Pet Bruce to set up an Illinois... or maybe Midwest... bloggers' community similar to the Cat Lover's Community, both to boost Ecosystem traffic and to make it easier to identify more local bloggers. Whaddaya think, Ferdie? Can you exert your formidable influence?
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Rubber-Necking

Omigosh! Jeff has discovered the Arabic cousin of the Flying Spaghetti Monster.

(Play the FSM game here.)

That Noodly Appendage kind of squicks me out.
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Hmmm...

Your Mood Ring is Dark Green

Friendly Outgoing Cheerful

Mood Ring Generator

(A tip of the cap to Jay Solo.)

Update: The link is fixed AND the color changed. What a difference a day makes!
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Down Memory Lane

Jennifer has entered a contest for describing the worst date ever. I gotta tell you, her story is a real... um... pisser. Go vote here.

So why put this under the heading of "Down Memory Lane"? Well... it brings to mind what was probably my worst date ever, and one of the many, many reasons I hate dating to this day.

Set your Wayback Machine (this one, not this one) for about 1991.

I was newly divorced and working for Price Waterhouse in Chicago. I had gotten friendly with the Director of Marketing, who was a bit older than me, female, single and not liking singleton life much at all. If there was a way to meet a guy, she'd try it, and usually dragged me along, kicking and screaming in protest.

Sandy took me to several singles dances, at which I was always at least 20 years younger than any man there. It felt like dancing with my father to loud and cheesy disco music at a distant relative's wedding. Blech.

She then took me to the hot new singles club where all the local goombas hung out with their mistresses, who wore tight, strapless leather dresses, taped-up cleavage, big hair, ankle bracelets and drank foo-foo girlie drinks. Yep. Most of the "single" guys were married. And the ones that weren't married were real knuckle-dragging wise guys. Lovely. Just my style.

The real winner of a hare-brained scheme that had me questioning her motives and my own sanity was when she talked me into posting a singles ad in the Chicago Reader. Keep in mind that in those ancient times, there were no online postings, and, unfortunately no pictures. (That probably would have solved a whole bunch right there!) You placed an ad in the classifieds, and the Reader set you up with an anonymous voicemail box. You left a voicemail message telling a little about yourself, then dialed in every once in a while (okay, several times a day) to see who might have left an interesting message. You only called the ones who you felt had some possibility. (This was also in the Dark Ages before the advent of *69 or Caller ID.) This double-blind setup was supposed to keep you "safe". Hah!

This might have been bad enough, but Sandy made me agree to meet everyone who gave halfway good phone conversation, and she would do the same. The objective was quantity, not quality. Hooboy, did that eventually turn out to be huge a mistake!

Now, before I get to the prize winner of bad dates ever, I must admit that I also met some pretty nice guys. Architects, lawyers, musicians, accountants, salesmen, the guy who did the traffic 'copter reports for Channel 5 News, even. Short guys, tall guys, funny guys, geeky guys, smart guys -- a whole borgaschmord of okay or better-than-okay guys.

And then.... there was "The Consultant."

We must have had a decent telephone conversation. I don't remember much, except that he mentioned that he lived in Lakepoint Towers. Yes, indeedy -- the very place Oprah calls home. Lakepoint Towers! Well. That meant he was living in a swanky joint that couldn't possibly come cheap. He must be pretty successful if he could swing that kind of monthly rent or mortgage. Alrighty, then! Down to business. I agreed to meet him at his apartment, and we would go on to dinner from there.

(Yes, yes, yes. Go ahead and shake your head. I deserve it.)

He met me at the door to the apartment wearing a John Fava outfit, down to the (pointy) bald head and bare feet. He led me through the nicely-appointed living room, past the dining room and into his "office." The office contained three austere pieces of furniture: a desk and two chairs. No art. He arranged the chairs so that we were sitting face to face and knee to knee, me with my back to the view.

Then the interrogation began -- family, job history, relationship history, religious preference, likes, dislikes, pets. He fired off question after question like a drill sergeant.

Then came the lecture. His love of martial arts. His hatred of regulatory agencies of any kind. His vegetarianism. His hatred of regulatory agencies of any kind. His entreprenurial success. His hatred of regulatory agencies of any kind. His expectations for a dating relationship. His hatred of regulatory agencies of any kind.

Oddly, he never blinked through the entire... um... conversation. Not once. Except... when I asked him why he hated regulatory agencies so much.

Then I blinked... when he told me he'd been arrested twice for practicing medicine without a license.

Oops. Time to go. And I did.
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Drive-Bys

When did Old Crankypants change his name to John Stossel??? Jeeze! The only thing he left out was the phrase, "We're all gonna die!"
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Quote of the day: "I was so miserable you'd have thought I spent a day with a liberal."

I had that same cold. In fact, I'm STILL getting over it.
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Speaking of Old Crankypants, Nancy V. sent this New Year's message just for him!
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Chartered Excursions -- StillmanValley, IL

T1G is giving last call for what Og has referred to as

[T]he big Clusterfuck of biblical Proportions?

That's what we oughta call it, the ClusterCloister.

Or The Shits in Fritz
Or stillborn in stillman.

Or that which I prefer to call it, "The Shiznitzes at Fritz's"

Whatever you choose to call it, it's going to be FUN. Sign up ASAP.
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Rubber-Necking

Is is just me, or is this the ultimate in tacky rubber-necking?
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Drive-Bys

Quote of the day: "Tonight was a TOTAL waste of make up." I'll use that one some day...
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From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

From Deborah S.:

Kid Science Theory:

The beguiling ideas about science quoted here were gleaned from essays, exams, and classroom discussions. Most were from 5th and 6th graders. They illustrate Mark Twain's contention that the "most interesting information comes from children, for they tell all they know and then stop."

Q: What is one horsepower?
A: One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.

You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came.

The law of gravity says no fair jumping up without coming back down.

When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.

When people run around and around in circles we say they are crazy. When planets do it we say they are orbiting.

Rainbows are just to look at, not to really understand.

While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.

Someday we may discover how to make magnets that can point in any direction.

South America has cold summers and hot winters, but somehow they still manage.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change back into a sun in the daytime.

Water freezes at 32 degrees and boils at 212 degrees. There are 180 degrees between freezing and boiling because there are 180 degrees between north and south.

A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.

There are 26 vitamins in all, but some of the letters are yet to be discovered. Finding them all means living forever.

There is a tremendous weight pushing down on the center of the Earth because of so much population stomping around up there these days.

Lime is a green-tasting rock.

Many dead animals in the past changed to fossils while others preferred to be oil.

Genetics explain why you look like your father and if you don't why you should.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they're there.

Some oxygen molecules help fires burn while others help make water, so sometimes it's brother against brother.

Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.

We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.

To most people solutions mean finding the answers. But to chemists solutions are things that are still all mixed up.

In looking at a drop of water under a microscope, we find there are twice as many H's as O's.

Clouds are high flying fogs.

I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.

Clouds just keep circling the earth around and around. And around. There is not much else to do.
Water vapor gets together in a cloud. When it is big enough to be called a drop, it does.

Humidity is the experience of looking for air and finding water.

We keep track of the humidity in the air so we won't drown when we breathe.

Rain is often known as soft water, oppositely known as hail.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

In some rocks you can find the fossil footprints of fishes.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dogs tongue will kill the strongest man.

A blizzard is when it snows sideways.

A hurricane is a breeze of a bigly size.

A monsoon is a French gentleman.

Thunder is a rich source of loudness.

Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.

It is so hot in some places that the people there have to live in other places.

The wind is like the air, only pushier. [Sounds like some politicians I can think of...]
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More kid stuff sent by Nancy V.:

These are real answers given by children.

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

Q: How can you delay milk turning sour?
A: Keep it in the cow.

Q: What causes the tides in the oceans?
A: The tides are a fight between the Earth and the Moon. All wate rtends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature hates a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

Q: What are steroids?
A: Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.

Q: What happens to your body as you age?
A: When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.

Q: What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A: He says good-bye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery.

Q: Name a major disease associated with cigarettes.
A: Premature death.

Q: What is artificial insemination?
A: When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.

Q: How are the main parts of the body categorized? (e.g., abdomen.)
A: The body is consisted into three parts - the brainium, the borax andthe abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain; the boraxcontains the heart and lungs, and the abdominal cavity contains the fivebowels, A, E, I, O, and U.

Q: What is the fibula?
A: A small lie.

Q: What does "varicose" mean?
A: Nearby.

Q: Give the meaning of the term "Caesarean Section"
A: The Caesarean Section is a district in Rome.

Q: What does the word "benign" mean?'
A: Benign is what you will be after you be eight.
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Elizabeth pointed me toward this:

Special Bulletin from the Pentagon

The Pentagon announced today the formation of a new 500-man elite fighting unit called the United States Redneck Special Forces.

These Alabama, Arkansas, Georgia, Kentucky, Mississippi, Missouri, Oklahoma, Tennessee and Texas boys will be dropped off into Iraq and have been given only the following facts about terrorists:

1. The season opened today.
2. There is no limit.
3. They taste just like chicken.
4. They don't like beer, pickups, country music or Jesus.
5. They are DIRECTLY RESPONSIBLE for the death of Dale Earnhardt.

We expect the problem in Iraq to be over by Friday.
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Legal secretary Nancy V. also sends this lawyer joke:

A guy in a bar stood up and shouted, "Lawyers are assholes!"

A guy at the other end of the bar shouted back "I resent that.

The first guy asked "Are you a lawyer?"

The second guy responded "No, I'm an asshole!"
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For Old Grumpypants, when he's having a sleepless night:

Here's a fun game to play. The object of the game is to move the red block around without getting hit by the blue blocks or touching the black walls. If you can go longer than 18 seconds you are phenomenal. I was told that the US Air Force uses this for fighter pilots. They are expected to go for at least 2 minutes. Give it a try!!
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From Paul Frye (who I hadn't heard from in a while):

Ole is a farmer in Minnesota.

He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about one for sale over in Nordakota ( that would be North Dakota for you non Scandhoovians out there). He drives to the Nordakota farm and looks over the cow. Ole reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls, the cow farts. Ole is very suprised.

He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some discussion with the cow's owner, Ole decides to buy the cow and take her home.

When he gets back to Minnesota, he calls over his neighbor, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."

Sven reaches under, pulls the teat and the cow farts. Sven looks at Ole and says, "You bought dis here cow in Nordakota, didn't yah?"

Ole is very suprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip.

Ole replies, "Yah dats right. but, how did you know?

Sven says, "My wife is from Nordakota."
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From Buckaroo Bonsai's StepMama (i.e., the Sweetheart of Shell Knob, MO) to my BlogMama:

The Blonde Year in Review

January -- Took her new scarf back to the store because it was too tight.

February - Couldn't work in a pharmacy because the bottles wouldn't fit into the typewriter.

March - Got excited when she finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months because the box said "2-4 years."

April - Was trapped on an escalator for hours when the power went out.

May - Couldn't make Kool-Aid because 8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets.

June - Couldn't learn to water ski because she couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - After losing in a breast stroke swimming competition, complained to the judges that the other swimmers were using their arms.

August - Told her blonde friend to hurry when trying to get into their locked car using a coat hanger because it was starting to rain and the top was down.

September - When asked what the capital of California was: answered "C."

October - Hates M & M's because they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked a turkey for 4 days because the instructions said 1 hour per pound and she weighed 96 lbs.

December - Couldn't call 911 because there was no "11" on any phone button.
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Also from the SOSKM, a little test:

If all of the desserts listed below were sitting in front of you, which would you choose? Pick your dessert, then look to see what Psychiatrists think about you. (Sorry you can only pick one dessert... and do not scroll down below the list)

1. Angel Food Cake
2. Brownies
3. Lemon Meringue
4. Vanilla Cake with Chocolate Icing
5. Strawberry Short Cake
6. Chocolate on Chocolate
7. Ice Cream
8. Carrot Cake

NO. You can't change your mind once you scroll down! So think carefully what your choice will be.

OK - Now that you've made your choice, this is what research says about you!









1. ANGEL FOOD CAKE...Sweet, loving, cuddly. You love all warm and fuzzy items. A little nutty at times. Sometimes you need an ice cream cone at the end of the day. Others perceive you as being childlike and immature at times.

2. BROWNIES...You are adventurous, love new ideas, are a champion of underdogs and a slayer of dragons. When tempers flare up, you whip out your saber. You are always the oddball with a unique sense of humor and direction. You tend to be very loyal.

3. LEMON MERINGUE...Smooth, sexy, & articulate with your hands, you are an excellent after-dinner speaker and a good teacher. But don't try to walk and chew gum at the same time. A bit of a diva at times, but you have many friends.

4. VANILLA CAKE WITH CHOCOLATE ICING... Fun-loving, sassy, humorous. Not very grounded in life; very indecisive and lack motivation. Everyone enjoys being around you, but you are a practical joker. Others should be cautious in making you mad. However, you are a friend for life.

5. STRAWBERRY SHORTCAKE... Romantic, warm, loving. You care about other people, can be counted on in a pinch and expect the same in return. Intuitively keen. Can be very emotional.

6. CHOCOLATE ON CHOCOLATE... Sexy; always ready to give and receive. Very creative, adventurous, ambitious, and passionate. You can appear to have a cold exterior but are warm on the inside. Not afraid to take chances. Will not settle for anything average in life. Love to laugh.

7. ICE CREAM...You like sports, whether it be baseball, football, basketball, or soccer. If you could, you would like to participate,but you enjoy watching sports. You don't like to give up the remote control. You tend to be self-centered and high maintenance.

8. CARROT CAKE...You are a very fun loving person, who likes to laugh. You are fun to be with. People like to hang out with you. You are a very warm hearted person and a little quirky at times. You have many loyal friends.

[My choice? Lemon Meringue.]
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From Catfish:

Mother Superior called all the Nuns together one evening and said to them: "I must tell you all something. We have a case of Gonorrhea in the convent."

"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back. "I'm so sick of Chardonnay."
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Drive-Bys

I'm blaming Contagion for this one.

How You Live Your Life

You tend to deprive yourself of things you crave, for your own good. You say whatever is on your mind. Other people's reactions don't phase you. Your friends tend to be a as quirky as you are - which is saying a lot! You tend to dream big, but you worry that your dreams aren't attainable.

How Do You Live Your Life?

(What can you expect from a man who sports kilts and hiking boots?)
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Speaking of men in interesting garb (or lack thereof), I don't suppose I could get Og to recreate this scene at Fritz's, do you think? Please???
_____

Bus Fumes

I guess some people just don't get the message:

New York Daily News

Memory lapse
By ANTHONY GARDNER and PATRICIA REILLY
Monday, January 2nd, 2006

Congress and U.S. taxpayers gave the Lower Manhattan Development Corp. $2.78 billion to redevelop the World Trade Center site, entrusting them with the duty of building a magnificent memorial to the victims of Sept. 11, 2001. Just months before construction of the memorial is slated to begin, the LMDC is offering the American public a bargain basement version of Michael Arad's "Reflecting Absence."

The LMDC's latest iteration of Arad's design is one that is 31% smaller than the original, and the central waterfalls - the most powerful design feature - will only operate nine months out of the year. LMDC continues to shrink the memorial despite the fact the original design was too small to accommodate the estimated millions who will make a pilgrimage to the site. The memorial is being built with only one way in and one way out, putting the safety and security of future visitors in peril.

It is insulting that with all of the financial resources at its disposal the LMDC would try to foist an ever-shrinking memorial on the American people and then ask them to pay for it.

The fact that LMDC failed to consider the extra costs involved with heating the memorial's massive waterfalls so they may flow in the winter months reflects its gross mismanagement of the redevelopment. As reported in the Daily News, LMDC has misspent millions in tax dollars on projects completely unrelated to Sept. 11, such as giving $10 million to SoHo's Drawing Center and funding the pet projects of wealthy elites who serve on the LMDC board as they continue to shrink the memorial and refuse to pay heating bills.

Take Back the Memorial, an alliance of major Sept. 11 family groups, began at a time when LMDC's lack of focus nearly led to the placement of the International Freedom Center on sacred ground. Now, to the detriment of future visitors to the memorial, it appears that money has followed LMDC's misplaced priorities as evidenced by the allocation of $50 million to an unrelated cultural facility. Millions have also been spent on the Snohetta building design and we still don't know what it will contain, if it is even built at all.

We would like to be able to say that the WTC Memorial Foundation should take over, but some changes need to be made first. The foundation has said that the memorial is the priority, but actions speak louder than words. Gov. Pataki and Mayor Bloomberg, both members of the foundation's board, have yet to make a personal donation to the memorial.

It seems evident that the cultural facilities, not the memorial, are the true priority of some individuals who have been charged with building the memorial. The majority of Sept. 11 families are withholding donations until America gets a memorial design it deserves, one that preserves our national heritage, provides for the safety of visitors and honors the dead by telling their story without distraction.

We want a memorial that isn't crammed into a basement space, hidden from the light of day. We want public access to the physical remains of the twin tower footprints at bedrock.

The WTC Memorial Foundation must focus its attention on the Sept. 11 memorial. Board members whose priority is not the memorial must be replaced. As long as their focus remains on extraneous cultural matters they will continue to have difficulty raising funds.

LMDC, which must get its priorities straight, would benefit from new leadership. If changes aren't made fast in both the LMDC and the WTC Memorial Foundation, they will not only fail to honor those who died at that site on Sept. 11, 2001, but they will continue to fail us all.

Gardner and Reilly, who lost family members in the World Trade Center attack, are co-organizers of the Take Back the Memorial campaign.
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From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

The Sweetheart of Shell Knob, MO has a little advice on how to stay young:

1. Try everything twice. On Madame's tombstone (of Wayland and Madame), she said she wanted this epitaph: "Tried everything twice...loved it both times!"

2. Keep only cheerful friends. The grouches pull you down. (Keep this in mind if you are one of those grouches).

3. Keep learning. Learn more about the computer, crafts, gardening, whatever. Never let the brain get idle. "An idle mind is the devil's workshop." And the devil's name is Alzheimer's!

4. Enjoy the simple things.

5. Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath. And if you have a friend who makes you laugh, spend lots and lots of time with HIM/HER.

6. The tears happen. Endure, grieve, and move on. The only person who is with us our entire life is our self. LIVE while you are alive.

7. Surround yourself with what you love, whether it's family, pets, keepsakes, music, plants, hobbies, whatever. Your home is your refuge.

8. Cherish your health: If it is good, preserve it. If it is unstable, improve it. If it is beyond what you can improve, get help.

9. Don't take guilt trips. Take a trip to the mall, even to the next county or to a foreign country, but NOT a guilt trip.

10. Tell the people you love that you love them at every opportunity.

[To all my blogging buddies, and you know who you are, see No. 10 above. Yep. I love every one of you!]
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Rubber-Necking

How would you 'splain this one to your boss when you couldn't make it in to work on Monday?
_____

Maybe this was Judith Miller's real source.
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Donut Go Gently...

... into that good night. Godspeed, Mr. Vale.
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Traveling Companions

Laurence Simon is asking the cats about their New Year's resolutions:



Tiger Boots: "I resolve to pose for strictly artistic cheesecake this year. And lots of it."















The Divine Miss Marilyn: "I resolve to stop running (as much) from the Evil Mummy Paparazzo... as long as she brings me the treats I so richly deserve."









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Rubber-Necking -- Bad Santa Edition

Note: I'm moving this to the top until December 25th, and will update as new evidence of "Santarchy" arises.


This past Saturday evening, I stumbled onto the most amazing sight -- a cabal of Santas, clearly up to nefarious exploits!





What's this???

Santas!

Lots and lots of Santas!














Suddenly, they were everywhere!











People were so amazed that traffic stopped dead in its tracks.









The photo is blurry, but this guy looked kind of familiar.

Nah.

He said he was in Florida...




What did I learn from this?

1. It's impossible to get a clear shot of dozens of drunken Santas in the dark. They won't stop wobbling.

2. They left the reindeer at home and commandeered a schoolbus for the night, because...

3. Sometimes even Santa needs a designated driver.





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Update: In a serendipitously timed email, the Sweetheart of Shell Knobb, MO sent me the Sober Santa Game.

She says, "Move Santa-by the arrows on your keyboard-towards the beer...you will scorewhen you hit the glass and Santa will become more tipsy! Keep him off the tracks -- he'll get electrocuted and the game will be over. Sometimes an item will also appear briefly. If you can get Santa to hit it, it'll sober him up some. It's a really funny, quick game. Have fun!"
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Update 2: Apparently "Santarchy" abounds. At least the Chicago Santas above were filled with the right sort of Christmas spirit(s). God rest ye merry, gentlemen!

(A tip of the cap to Old Crankypants.)
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He knows if we've been bad or good, but, for goodness' sake, who's keeping tabs on whether Santa's been naughty or nice?
_____

Bad or good? Now you decide.

(A tip of the cap to Jen(nifer).)
_____

Santa's a scoundrel? A saint? A sweetheart? A sack-wielder?

(A tip of the cap to PJ.)
_____

Aw, jeeze! Now Frosty is getting into the act???
_____

More info on Santa than I really needed to hear.
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Evil Pope Santa? (He may be the world's most wonderful guy, but that photo is downright frightening.)
_____

That naughty, naughty Santa is up to tricks again in Paris, London and Hong Kong.
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Forget the sleigh ride -- apparently Santa phones it in this year.
_____

Santablog is coming to town?
_____

Oh, no! Santa's collapse causes need for crisis counselors?
_____

He's even got his own computer virus!
_____

Wanna be Santa's designated driver?
_____

Liar, liar, pants on fire! Everyone knows he lives at the North Pole. See?
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Now go visit the Carnival of Christmas. It only happens once a year, you know.
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Traveling Companions

The Divine Miss Marilyn gave me an early Christmas gift -- she actually showed off her lovely profile.











But then, of course, she had to express her opinion of Mummy's camera.

The Divine Miss Marilyn says, "All the blessings of the season to you and yours! (And there better be a catnip mouse in my stocking on Sunday morning.)"












Don't forget to visit the Friday Ark!
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Drive-Bys

For my whiskey-loving friends (especially Eric and Ellison), Balblair Scotch is hosting its annual Haggis Hunt. Prizes include bottles of Balblair Single Highland Malt Scotch Whisky, St. Andrew's Cross, Adapted 100% lambswool rug, Scotsman calendars, HaggisHunt merchandise and passes to The Scotsman's Digital Archive. If you snare a Golden haggis you'll have a chance to win our grand prize: two nights of luxury at the world famous Gleneagles Hotel, Perthshire.

Go ahead. Have some fun!
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I sure wish the Anchoress' neighbor was my neighbor instead. Now there's someone who'd be fun to chat with!
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Ah! This is good news:

Your Christmas Stocking Will Be Filled With Little Wrapped Presents

You've made Santa a very happy fellow this year.Don't worry - what happens at the North Pole stays at the North Pole!

What Will Be In Your Christmas Stocking?

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Roadside Diversion

Ferdy once again hosts the Carnival of the Vicious, Invading Paleface Bastards (Illinois residents). Go see what folks are thinkin' in the Land of Lincoln.
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Drive-Bys

T1G has "smacked" me with a meme: The gist of it is "name five movies that you love, that say 'Christmas' to you." For what it's worth, I'm going to include some TV Christmas specials in here, too.

1. Holiday Inn

I did a lot of babysitting when I was in Junior High and High School. That means I spent a LOT of time watching old black & white movies after 11:00 p.m. Love, love, loved the music, the costumes and the dancing. What's not to love about Der Bingle and Danny Kaye?

2. A Christmas Story

"You'll shoot your eye out." Was there ever a more "Mom" line in a movie? Plus, like Ralphie, I was kind of a geeky kid. In fact, when I was really little, I wore snowsuits like that. Ugh!

3. Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and A Charlie Brown Christmas

I am an absolute sucker for old Christmas specials.

4. Miracle on 34th Street

It always makes me cry. Need I say more?

5. Elf

Will Ferrell just cracked me up with his child-like, over-the-top exuberance.

I'll admit it -- when it comes to Christmas, I'm just a kid at heart.

Now it's my turn. I'm tagging Moogie, the Chai-rista, Dana, Og, GuyK and... Catfish. Hmmm. This ought to be interesting!
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Chartered Excursion -- Stillman Valley, IL

Still haven't signed up for the January 8th blogmeet?

Okay. Let me -- er, Neo-Neocon -- give you a few good reasons to attend:

The following pre-conference theories of mine seemed generally to be borne out:

1) bloggers can talk; in fact, most bloggers would rather talk than eat

2) bloggers tend to be intense

3) bloggers include a high proportion of night people and/or people who don't sleep all that much

4) most bloggers look like their photos--except me. I actually don't have an apple in from of my face. [Or, in my case, a camera]

Things that were surprises:

1) a higher-than-expected proportion of bloggers are smokers

2) you can't tell who's short and who's tall from a photo....

Further observations:

1) When I say bloggers can talk, I mean talk. We're talking serious talk here. Stamina, breadth, depth, decibel level. Get a group together, and it's not for the faint of heart--if you don't jump in quickly and vigorously, you may never get the floor, because the competition is hot and the topics change at the speed of light as one thought follows another, like group chain-smoking. Those with natural projective qualities of voice have an advantage here; those of us with naturally quieter voices stand in danger of getting hoarse....

I find it an extraordinary experience to meet people backwards: that is, to meet their minds first and their bodies second. You get to know people in a totally different way as, day after day, you read what they are thinking without ever having met them in the flesh.You don't even realize how many preconceptions (and perhaps misconceptions) you are building up until you meet the person him/herself. Sometimes the meeting shatters those preconceptions utterly. Far more often, however, the person you meet is both similar and somewhat different from the one you had expected: younger, older; livelier, shyer; more fidgety, calmer; funnier, more solemn. Then you superimpose the new template on the old and merge the two, and now you know the person in a fuller, rounder sense.
_____

I'm telling you, you'll have a great time.
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Drive-Bys

I was in a sorority when I was in college. That swinging elf in my sidebar nudged an odd memory of those days out from under the cobwebs:

We had a number of drinking songs we were fond of, one with the refrain,

Then there was [insert sister's name here]
Swinging from the outhouse door
Without her nightie
Waiting for the Phi Sig's
(They got her nightie)
Never, ever will go home...
Ba dum bum!

I'm just saying... it's weirding me out.
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Tootin' the Horn

I haven't been tempted to post ads before, because I blog for my own pleasure. But I was directly contacted by Anchor Bay Media and M80 about posting an ad for The Happy Elf.

Okay, I admit it. I'm a sucker for Christmas specials. And Harry Connick, Jr. For posting a copy of the ad, I get a copy of the DVD to give to my sweet nieces.

Cool.
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Chartered Excursion -- Stillman Valley, IL

Are you coming to the blogmeet on January 8th? T1G needs to know your choice of menu, ASAP.

(Looks like another meat marathon, if you ask me.)

Still thinking about it??? Stop thinking and just sign up. It's going to be a blast.
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Support Your (Not So) Local Blogger

Joanne Jacobs will be in Chicago tomorrow to discuss her new book with Milt Rosenberg on WGN Radio (AM 720).

I'm guessing they'll be in the studio with the windows on Michigan Avenue in the Tribune Tower. They'll be on from 9:00-11:00 central time. Tune in! (And if you're in the city, stop by the studio and make silly faces through the window at them!)
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Help Garrett pass the potato through all 50 states.

C'mon! Be a sport.
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Road Conditions

So much



for light





flurries



in Chicago



today...









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From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

From Catfish, but posted for my BlogDaddy:

Proof Of Identity?

Einstein dies and goes to heaven. At the Pearly Gates, Saint Peter tells him, "You look like Einstein, but you have NO idea the lengths that some people will go to sneak into Heaven. Can you prove who you really are?"

Einstein ponders for a few seconds and asks, "Could I have a blackboard and some chalk?"

Saint Peter snaps his fingers and a blackboard and chalk instantly appear.

Einstein proceeds to describe with arcane mathematics and symbols his theory of relativity.

Saint Peter is suitably impressed. "You really ARE Einstein!" he says. "Welcome to heaven!"

The next to arrive is Salvador Dali. Once again, Saint Peter asks for credentials.

Salvador Dali asks, "Mind if I use that blackboard and chalk?"

Saint Peter says, "Go ahead."

Salvador Dali erases Einstein's equations and sketches a truly stunning picture with just a few strokes of chalk.

Saint Peter claps. "Surely you are the great artist you claim to be!" he says. "Come on in!"

Then Saint Peter looks up and sees George W. Bush. Saint Peter scratches his head, strokes his beard, and says, "Einstein and Salvador Dali both managed to prove their identity. How can you prove yours?"

George W. looks bewildered and says, "Who are Einstein and Salvador Dali?"

Saint Peter sighs and says, "Come on in, George."
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From Deborah S.

Mrs. Rosenberg, a fine Jewish matron from the Upper East Side of Manhattan, found herself stranded-late one night at a fashionable southern resort...one that did not, ordinarily, admit Jews.

When she inquired, at the Front Desk about a room, the desk clerk, looked at his book and said, "Sorry, no rooms. This hotel is full."

Suspicious, about his mind set, Mrs.Rosenberg said, "I beg your pardon ...your sign says, you have vacancies."

The desk clerk stammered and said, curtly, "Mostly, I shouldn't say this, but you know, we do not admit Jews. Now, if you will try...on the other side of town..."

Mrs. Rosenberg stiffened, noticeably, & said, "I'll have you know ...recently, I converted to your religion."

Sensing something, the desk clerk said, "Oh, yeah!? Well, let me give you a little test! How was Jesus born?"

"That's easy" Mrs. Rosenberg replied, "He was born to a virgin named Mary ...in a little town, called Bethlehem."

"Not 'Bad'!" replied, the clerk... "Tell me, more."

Checking her memory, Mrs. Rosenberg said, "He was born in a manger!"

"That's right," said the hotel clerk. And ...why was he born, in a manger?"

Holding her head defiantly high, Mrs. Rosenberg, reared-back, and said loudly for all to hear, "Because a Putz, like you ...in the hotel, ...wouldn't give a Jewish lady a room for the night.
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Now, here's one for the other side of the political aisle. (We try our best to offend everyone.)

Hillary Clinton goes to a primary school in upstate New York to talk about the world. After her talk she offers question time.

One little boy puts up his hand, and the Senator asks him what his name is.

"Kenneth."

"And what is your question, Kenneth?"

"I have three questions:

1 ... Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

2 ... Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

3 ... Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?"

Just then the bell rings for recess. Hillary Clinton informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume Hillary says, "OK, where were we? Oh, that's right, question time. Who has a question?"

A different little boy puts his hand up.

Hillary points him out and asks him what his name is.

"Larry."

"And what is your question, Larry?"

"I have 5 questions:

1 ... Whatever happened to your medical health care plan?

2 ... Why would you run for President after your husband shamed the office?

3 ... Whatever happened to all those things you took when you left the White House?

4 ... Why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early?

And

5 ... What happened to Kenneth?"
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Drive-Bys

Well this is a helluva way to tag someone with a meme:

1. Finish the sentence: "I wish I ..." -- Basically, pretend you had up to three wishes to change something about you. A restriction is that cannot wish to change someone else. For example, you can say; "I wish I weighed 30 pounds less." But this wish is not for this meme; "I wish my spouse weighed 30 pounds less."

2. If you are reading this, you are "tagged" with this meme.

It is not necessary to send me any notice. I just wanna spread some wishes around.

I wish I were an Oscar Meyer wiener.

I wish I were better at math and science.

I wish I had finished a degree... in just about anything.

Okay. Your turn.
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Mog is right. Some of my earliest childhood memories of Christmas are also of church... and the sacred music that accompanies it.

When I was young, my family went to church here. I was an angel in the Christmas pageant when I was about five or six. I remember my mother driving herself almost insane over making wings and a halo for me to wear. The snowy white cassock I wore. Lustily singing Away in a Manger. The Christmas story becoming real to me. Each child who participated in the pageant received a huge navel orange afterward. It was a luscious and precious gift.

We moved to Glen Ellyn, Illinois when I was ten, and attended this church until I graduated from high school. I was always active in youth choir, and loved the music of the season. For a little church (roughly 200 families), we had an outstanding music program.

When I graduated from junior high to high school, I was invited to join the adult choir. One year, our director was a member of the Chicago Symphony Orchestra chorus. That year, we did the entire Christmas Messiah, complete with orchestra (amateur adults and kids from my high school, both church members and volunteers) and soloists from the CSO itself. We practiced and practiced and practiced. And the results were fantastic. I can close my eyes and feel the entire congregation surge to its feet when the first notes of the Alleluia Chorus rang out, the joy that almost froze my throat as the music swelled.

I also participated in Madrigals at my high school. I loved the elaborate costumes. I still love the blending of four- to six-part accapella harmony. The Holly and the Ivy still gives me shivers of pleasure and rockets me back to the Christmases of my youth.

Christmas music still does this to me.

Forget the gifts. Remember the reason for the season.
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I almost got myself arrested taking this photo last night. I didn't know it was illegal to take a photo of a Christmas tree in a train station, did you?

Guess the security guard must have thought I was a terrierist or something...

Merry Christmas, indeed.





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From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

Who knew Ms. Althouse has a rowdy side? This game is absolutely hilarious. I couldn't stop giggling, and I couldn't stop playing it. (Try it. You'll see...)
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From Michael Sneed's 12/25/02 Chicago Tribune Column:

The following is a Christmas story about an old pal named Steve who has a son named Sam, who learned "the Truth" about Santa Claus . . . on Christmas Eve.

But like a good father, Steve worried about how his son was handling this turn in his life. So he penned a note to Sam from "Santa" and left it under the tree.

I printed this yarn (it's true) a few years ago. So here it goes again.

Dear Sam,

Your dad stayed up last night to tell me that you now know as much about me as I do about you.

Well, good. I'm glad you asked. And don't worry, no child ever really leaves me. Ask your mom. Ask your dad. They know I don't live in the North Pole (too cold). They know I don't ride in a sleigh (too dangerous). Still, they love me, and so will you, even 50 years from now.

Oh, and what do you think happened last night just as you were asking about me?

Why, a baby was born out in Kalispell, Mont. That's right, just as you were putting aside your belief, a brand-new child was born who can put it to good use.

So long as that keeps happening, I'll never be out of a job.

Sam, I want to wish you a wonderful life. If you don't mind, I will continue to drop by on future Christmases, just to make sure you're OK.

Love, Santa

P.S. Remember, you don't have to believe in me to know I am there.

Nice, huh? Thanks, Steve . . . for being a terrific Santa.
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From Deborah:

Why Christmas Trees Are Better Than Men

1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for days.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even when it's lit.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
10. You only have to feed/water it once a week.
11. It's always there to light up your life.
12. It gets turned on only when you want it turned on.
13. It always smells nice and doesn't pass gas.
14. If it needles you, you can toss it out.
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From Kathy, a Carol Quiz!

THE OBJECT IS TO NAME AS MANY OF THESE CAROLS AS YOU CAN BY THE CLUES GIVEN.

QUESTIONS:

1. Bleached Yule

2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration (Good one huh?)

3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Incisors

4. Righteous Darkness

5. Arrival Time: 2400 hrs. - Weather: Cloudless

6. Loyal Followers Advance

7. Far off in a Feeder

8. Array the Corridor

9. Bantam Male Percussionist

10. Monarchial Triad

11. Nocturnal Noiselessness

12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers

13. Red Man En Route to Borough

14. Frozen Precipitation Commence

15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle

16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis

17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant

18. Delight for this Planet

19. Give Attention to the Melodius Celestial Beings

20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals

Answers tomorrow.
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Have you written your letter to Santa yet? If not, Jan says this link can help.
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Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."

Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."

Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.

When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"

Johnny replied, "I think I got a damn dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
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Bubba Claus

Subject: To whom it may concern

I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer beable to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.

I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.

His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:

1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."

2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and a moon pie [or pork rinds] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spitcan handy.

3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs insteado f reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer onetime, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.

4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen", when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."

5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard dat!"

6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last I heard, it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.

7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.

8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.

9. And, finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, such as"Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year, however, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South--songs such as Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."

Merrily Yours,

Santa Claus
Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
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Update: Here are those answers I promised.

1. White Christmas
2. Chesnuts Roasting On An Open Fire
3. All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth
4. Oh, Holy Night
5. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear
6. Oh, Come All Ye Faithful
7. Away In A Manger
8. Deck The Halls
9. Little Drummer Boy
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
13. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
14. Let It Snow
15. Go Tell It On The Mountain
16. Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
17. What Child Is This?
18. Joy To The World
19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
20. Twelve Days of Christmas

How'd you do?
_____

Drive-Bys

This, my friends, is why I didn't study rocket science in college:


You're a poetic intellectual.

What Sort of Intellectual Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

(A tip of the cap to Denny.)
_____

I hate remakes of classic movies.

Despise them.

Can't understand why anyone would want to make one.

Can't understand why a studio would fund one.

Can't understand why anyone would pay good money to see one.

And I really can't believe that, all that being said, I want to see this movie.

In the theater, not on DVD.

Hell is freezing over at this very moment.
_____

Roadside Diner

I promised a review of Fogo de Chao a couple of days ago.

Let me say, the restaurant is misnamed. It should be "Fogo de... Wow! I can't believe I ate the whole thing!"

They have the most fabulous salad bar I have ever seen. I could have had nothing but the salad bar, and been a happy, happy camper. Unlimited access to their own smoked salmon with herb sauce for dipping? (The only fish on the menu, BTW.) I thought I'd died and gone to Heaven. At least three kinds of mixed greens. At least four kinds of cheese, including handball-sized portions of fresh buffalo mozzarella and chunked (not grated, not shaved) Parmegiano Reggiano. Prociutto. Genoa salami. Blanched asparagus spears. A fresh salad of haricots vert, julienned carrots, sesame seeds in a light balsamic vinaigrette dressing. Gorgeous grilled red and yellow peppers. The list goes on and on. (I have to stop describing this now. I'm drooling all over the keyboard.)

My recommendation: Choose the smallest plate available. Remember -- this is supposted to be a starter. It's so good and so bountiful, it could easily end up being the whole meal.

As for the rest of the offerings... did you ever see the Rodney Dangerfield movie "Back to School"? In the beginning Rodney is doing an ad for his business -- Thornton Mellon's Tall & Fat. It begins, "Are you fat? Do you..." and ends with, "When you open a menu, do you say 'YES'?"

Well... at Fogo de Chao, you can say "YES". There are 15 different cuts of meat, all cooked over a wood fire. You get a little card that's red on one side and green on the other. When you're ready for a serving of meat, you turn the card to green. Like magic, Gaucho chefs appear with long skewers of steaming, mouthwateringly fragrant beef, pork, lamb, chicken and sausages. They will serve you as much of any of them as you wish. It's a he-man's paradise and a vegan's worst nightmare.

My hands-down favorite is the lamb chops. They were as near to perfection as I've ever had anywhere. If you love lamb, don't miss them. Everything else was wonderful, too, though.

A couple more notes:

A big word of caution: PACE YOURSELF. After one or two servings, flip your card back to red for a while. It's very easy to stuff yourself and miss out on some of the best offerings.

It's pricey -- $48.50 per person; however, you can order every single thing on the menu, and more than once. (Buckaroo Bonsai had four servings of the lamb chops alone.) For the price, if you really like meat, and lots of it, it's a good deal.

Service -- You'll have at least three servers, and that doesn't include the small army of Gaucho chefs with big honking skewers of meat. Side dishes and fresh plates are frequently replenished. Smooth, professional, and non-intrusive.

If you have a more limited appetite, read the menu ahead of time and know what you really want. I must have waived away at least six of the boys in blousy pants before I finally got my lambchops. They won't take offense.

The main dining room is much quieter than the bar, at which conversation is mainly held at a very high decibel level.

Don't eat anything the day you plan to go. Your stomach will thank you later.
_____

Bus Fumes

Mamacita has a few words for students receiving an "F" grade and not understanding why.

I LIKE this woman.
_____

Drive-Bys

You Are Blitzen

Always in good spirits, you're the reindeer who loves to party down with Santa. Why You're Naughty: You're always blitzed on Christmas Eve, while flying! Why You're Nice: You mix up a mean eggnog martini.

Which of Santa's Reindeer Are You?

(A tip of the cap to Kate. Merry Christmas, my friend!)
_____

From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

Funny, funny parody of "God Rest Ye, Merry Gentlemen" can be found here. God! This will be stuck in my head all day!
_____

From Elizabeth:

Two women who had been friends for years, decided to go for a Girls' Night Out and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the martinis. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom.

They were very near a cemetery, and one of them suggested they wiz behind a headstone. The first woman had nothing to dry herself with so she thought she'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away.

Her friend, however, was wearing rather expensive underwear and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. She dried herself with the ribbon.

After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day, the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girls' night out thing has got to stop right now! My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing." said the other husband. "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said, "FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION. WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."
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Having a hard time figuring out what to get the men on your list for Christmas? Michelle has a dandy list.
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Ellison wants to know what rotten kid songs you remember. I, of course, contributed four. (Blame it on my brother, okay?)
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Shamelessly swiped from Tiger:

Three businessmen were riding together on Christmas Eve on their way home from a Christmas party when their car hit a patch of ice, skidded off the road and hit a tree. All three died and found themselves standing outside the Pearly Gates. Saint Peter looked them up and down, shaking his head from side to side. "You three are about as sorry a lot as I have seen lately. I fear you are at the wrong place, but since it is Christmastime, I'll allow you in on one condition."

"What is that?" one of them asked.

"You must reach into your pocket and show me an item with a connection with Christmas."

One of the quickly reached into his pocket and produced a lighter, which he lit and held it above his head. "This symbolizes a Christmas candle."

Saint Peter nodded his head and opened the gate to allow the man to enter.

Following his friend's example, the second man reached into his pocket and produced a ring of keys, which he shook allowing the keys to jingle. "This symbolizes Christmas bells."

Again Saint Peter nodded his head and opened the gate.

The third man reached into his pocket and produced a pair of women's panties which he head out for Saint Peter's examination.

"What Christmas significance can they have?" Saint Peter asked. "They are paisley in print, and of purple and gold color."

"They're Carol's."
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From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

Nancy V. sent me a whole lot more info on being Italian. See if you recognize yourself in here:

Only an Italian would understand.....

You spent your entire childhood thinking what you ate for lunch was pronounced "sangwich."

Your family dog understood Italian.

Every Sunday afternoon of your childhood was spent visiting your grandparents and extended family.

You've experienced the phenomena of 150 people fitting into 50 square feet of yard during a family cookout.

You were surprised to discover the FDA recommends you eat three meals a day, not seven.

You ate pasta for dinner at least three times a week, and every Sunday.

You grew up thinking no fruit or vegetable had a fixed price and that the price of everything was negotiable through haggling.

You watched Lawrence Welk and Ed Sullivan every Sunday night.

You were as tall as your grandmother by the age of seven.

You thought everyone's last name ended in a vowel.

You thought nylons were supposed to be worn rolled to the ankles.

You were surprised to find out that wine was actually sold in stores.

You thought Catholic was the only religion in the world.

You thought every meal had to be eaten with a hunk of bread in your left hand.

You can understand Italian but you can't speak it.

You have at least one relative who came over on the boat.

You grew up calling the bathroom the baccausa. And you only had one.

You were surprised to learn most kitchen utensils had another name which didn't end in a vowel.

All of your (great) uncles fought in a World War.

You have at least one relative who wore a black dress every day for an entire year after a funeral.

You have relatives you don't speak to.

You drank wine before you were a teenager.

You grew up in a house with a yard that didn't have one patch of dirt that didn't have a flower or a vegetable growing out of it.

Your grandparent's furniture was as comfortable as sitting on plastic. (What!!!! You WERE sitting on plastic.)

You thought that talking loud was normal!

You thought cookies and the Tarantella were common at all weddings.

You thought everyone got pinched on the cheeks and had money stuffed in their pockets by their relatives.

Every luncheon meat you ate ended in a vowel.

There was a crucifix in every room of the house, including the cellar.

There was a saint somewhere in the yard and car.

Boys didn't do house work because it was women's work.

You couldn't date a boy without getting approval from your father. And the date required a chaperone.

You know what lemon ice is.

You called pasta "macaroni."

You have at least one irrational fear or phobia that can be directly attributed to your mother.

True Italians have a $40,000 kitchen, but use the $259 stove from Sears in the basement to cook.

The living room is filled with old wedding favors with poofy net bows and stale almonds (they are too pretty to open).

A portrait of the Pope and Frank Sinatra in the dining room.

God forbid if anyone EVER attempted to eat Chef Boy-are-dee, Franco American, Ragu, Prego or anything else in a jar or can (tomato paste is the exception).

Meatballs are made with Pork, Veal and Beef. We are Italians and we don't care about cholesterol.

Turkey is served on Thanksgiving, AFTER the manicotti, gnocchi, lasagna and soup.

If anyone EVER says ES-CAROLE, slap 'em in the face -- it's SHCAROLE.

If they ever say ITALIAN WEDDING SOUP, let the idiot know that there is no wedding, nor is there an Italian in the soup. Also, the tiny meatballs must be made by hand.

No matter how hard you know you were going to get smacked, you still came home from church after Communion, you stuck half a loaf of bread in the sauce pot, snuck out a fried meatball and chowed down. You'll make up for it next week at confession.

Sunday dinner was at 1:00. The meal went like this...Table is set with everyday dishes...doesn't matter if they don't match...they're clean. What more do you want? All the utensils go on the right side of the plate and the napkin goes on the left. Put a clean kitchen towel at Nonno & Papa's plate because they won't use napkins. Homemade wine and bottles of 7-Up or club soda are on the table. First course, antipasto...change plates. Next, Macaroni (Nonna called all spaghetti Macaroni)... change plates. After that, Roasted Meats, Roasted Potatoes, Over-cooked Vegetables...change plates. THEN and only then (NEVER AT THE BEGINNING OF THE MEAL) would you eat the salad (HOMEMADE OIL & VINEGAR DRESSING ONLY)...change plates. Next, Fruit & Nuts - in the shell (on paper plates because you ran out of the other ones). Coffee with Anisette (Espresso for Nonno, "Merican" coffee for the rest) with hard Cookies to dip in the coffee. The kids go play...the men go to lay down. They slept so soundly you could perform brain surgery on them without anesthesia..the women clean the kitchen.

Getting screamed at by Mom or Nonna - half the sentence was English, the other half Italian.

Italian mothers never threw a baseball in their life, but can nail you in the head with a shoe thrown from the kitchen while you're in the living room.

Prom Dress that Zia Ceserina made you...$20.00 for material. Prom hair-do from cousin Angela...$Free. Turning around at prom to see your entire family (including Godparents) standing in the back of the gym...PRICELESS!
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Elizabeth has fun facts about... WD40:

I thought that you might like to know more about this well-known WD-40 product. When you read the "shower door" part, try it. It's the first thing that has cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass.

It's a miracle!

Then try it on your stovetop... Viola! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.

The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a "Water Displacement" compound. They were successful with the Fortieth formulation, thus WD-40.

The Corvair Company bought it in bulk to protect their Atlas missile parts. The workers were so pleased with the product they began smuggling (also known as "shrinkage" or "stealing") it out to use at home. The executives decided there might be a consumer market for it and put it in aerosol cans. The rest is history.

It is a carefully guarded recipe known only to four people. One of them is the "brew master."

There are about 2.5 million gallons of the stuff manufactured each year. It gets its distinctive smell from a fragrance that is added to the brew.

Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you.

Here are a few of the thousands of uses:

~Protects silver from tarnishing
~Cleans and lubricates guitar strings
~Gets oil spots off concrete driveways
~Keeps flies off cows
~Restores and cleans chalkboards
~Loosens stubborn zippers
~Untangles jewelry chains
~Removes stains from stainless steel sinks
~Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill
~Keeps ceramic/terra cotta garden pots from oxidizing
~Removes tomato stains from clothing
~Keeps glass shower doors free of water spots
~Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors
~Keeps scissors working smoothly
~Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes
~Gives a children's play gym slide a shine for a super fast slide
~Lubricates gear shift and mower-deck lever for ease of handling on riding mowers
~Rids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises
~Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open
~Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close
~Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards and vinyl bumpers
~Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles
~Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans
~Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons and bicycles for easy handling
~Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running smoothly
~Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools
~Removes splattered grease on stove
~Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging
~Lubricates prosthetic limbs
~Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)
~Removes all traces of duct tape
~I have even heard of folks spraying it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve arthritis pain.
~Florida's favorite use was "cleans and removes love bugs from auto grills and bumpers." Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly!
~The favorite use in the state of New York:--WD-40 protects the Statue of Liberty from the elements.
~WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a LITTLE on live bait or lures and you will be catching the big one in no time. It's a lot cheaper than the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not allowed in some states.
~Keeps away chiggers on the kids
~Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately, and stops the itch.
~WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and wipe with a clean rag.
~Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick spots withWD-40 and re-wash. Presto! Lipstick is gone!
~If you sprayed WD-40 on the distributor cap, it would displace the moisture and allow the car to start.
~WD-40, long known for its ability to remove leftover tape smunges (sticky label tape), is also a lovely perfume and air freshener! Sprayed liberally on every hinge in the house, it leaves that distinctive clean fresh scent for up to two days!
~Seriously though, it removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks.
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Barrie sends this silly snow globe.
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Elizabeth sent this a while ago:

I had a bunch of Canadian dollars I needed to exchange so I went to the currency exchange window at the local bank. I chose the shortest line,just one guy in front of me. He was an Asian guy who was trying to exchange yen for dollars and he was a little agitated.

He asked the teller, "Why it change? Yestoday I get two hunat dolla fo yen. Today Iget hunat eighty?"

The teller says, "Fluctuations."

The Asian guy says,"Fluc you white guys too!"

[Yeah, yeah -- I know it's not PC. However, I've heard exchanges just like this in currency exchanges here in Chicago.]
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Catfish explains How To Install a Poor-man's Security System:

Go to a second-hand store, buy a pair of men's used work boots -- a really big pair.

Put them outside your front door on top of a copy of Guns and Ammo magazine.

Put a dog dish beside it. A really big dog dish.

Leave a note on your front door that says something like: "Bubba, big Mike and I have gone to get more ammunition - back in a hr. Don't disturb the pitbulls; they've just been de-wormed."
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Roadside Diversions

It's a two-fer today:

The Carnival of the Cats is up at Quite Early One Morning. Loads and loads of feline warm fuzzies.

Also, the Carnival of the Recipes is up at Dubious Wonder. Loads of wonderful recipes for your holiday entertaining... or just some soothing comfort food.

(I've gotta sneak back over there for the recipe for those Chocolate Bourbon Balls. Yum! Two of my favorite things! Now, does anyone have a divine (and foolproof) recipe for Rum Balls???)
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