Leslie's Omnibus

From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

Woundwort directed me over to BlondeStar. Hee hee hee.

Elizabeth introduced me to the concept of METHODIST SQUIRRELS

There were four country churches in a small Alabama town: The Presbyterian church, the Baptist church, the Methodist church and the Catholic church. Each church was overrun with pesky squirrels.

One day, the Presbyterian church called a meeting to decide what to do about the squirrels. After much prayer and consideration they determined that the squirrels were predestined to be there and they shouldn't interfere with God's divine will.

In the Baptist church the squirrels had taken up habitation in the baptistery. The deacons met and decided to put a large plywood cover on the baptistery and flood it. The squirrels escaped somehow and there were twice as many there the next week.

The Catholic group got together and decided that they were not in a position to harm any of God's creation. So, they humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free a few miles outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

But -- the Methodist church came up with the best and most effective solution. They baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church.

Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

Elizabeth is also responsible for this tale of The Brothers

There once were two young brothers, eight and ten years old, who were exceedingly mischievous. Whenever anything went wrong in the neighborhood, it turned out that they had had a hand in it. Their parents were at their wits' end trying to control them.

One day they heard about a rabbi in town who worked with delinquent boys. The mother suggested to her husband that she ask the rabbi to talk with the boys and he agreed.

So the mother went to the rabbi and made her request.

He agreed, but said he wanted to see the younger boy first and alone.

So the mother sent the younger son to the rabbi.

The rabbi sat the boy down and sat across from him behind his enormous, impressive desk. For about five minutes they just sat and stared at each other. Finally, the rabbi pointed his forefinger at the boy and asked, "Young man, where is God?"

The boy looked under the desk, in the corners of the room, all around, then said nothing.

Again, louder, the rabbi pointed at the boy and asked, "Where is God?"

Again, the boy looked all around but said nothing.

A third time, in a louder, firmer voice, the rabbi leaned far across the desk and put his forefinger almost to the boy's nose, and demanded, "Young man, I ask you, where is God?"

The boy panicked and ran all the way home. Finding his older brother, he dragged him upstairs to their room and into the closet, where they usually plotted their mischief. He finally said,
"We're in bi-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-i-g trouble."

The older boy asked, "What do you mean, bi-i-g trouble?"

His brother replied, "I'm tellin' ya', we're in bi-i-i-g trouble. God is missing and they think we did it!"

From Nancy V.

Twas the night after Thanksgiving,
I just couldn't sleep,
I tried counting backwards,
I tried counting sheep.

The leftovers beckoned -
the dark meat and white,
but I fought the temptations
with all of my might.

Tossing and turning with anticipation,
the thought of a snack was infatuation.
So, I raced to the kitchen, flung open the door,
and gazed at the fridge, full of goodies galore.

I gobbled up turkey and buttered potatoes,
pickles and carrots, beans and tomatoes.
I felt myself swelling so plump and so round,
"til all of a sudden, I rose off the ground.

I crashed through the ceiling,
floating into the sky,
with a mouthful of pudding
and handful of pie.

But, I managed to yell
as I soared past the trees...
Happy eating to all -
pass the cranberries, please.

May your stuffing be tasty,
may your turkey be plump,
may your 'tater 'n gravy have narry a lump.
May your yams be delicious,
may your pies take the prize,
may your holiday dinner stay off of your thighs.


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