Leslie's Omnibus

From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

From Catfish:
Which side of the fence?

If you ever wondered which side of the fence you sit on, this is a great test!

If a Republican doesn't like guns, he doesn't buy one.
If a Democrat doesn't like guns, he wants all guns outlawed.

If a Republican is a vegetarian, he doesn't eat meat.
If a Democrat is a vegetarian, he wants all meat products banned for everyone.

If a Republican is homosexual, he quietly leads his life.
If a Democrat is homosexual, he demands legislated respect.

If a Republican is down-and-out, he thinks about how to better his situation.
A Democrat wonders who is going to take care of him.

If a Republican doesn't like a talk show host, he switches channels.
Democrats demand that those they don't like be shut down.

If a Republican is a non-believer, he doesn't go to church.
A Democrat non-believer wants any mention of God and religion silenced.

If a Republican decides he needs health care, he goes about shopping for it, or may choose a job that provides it.
A Democrat demands that the rest of us pay for his.

If a Republican reads this, he'll forward it so his friends can have a good laugh.
A Democrat will delete it because he's "offended".
_____

Dax Montana responds:
If a Democrat doesn't like abortions, he doesn't have one.
If a Republican doesn't like abortions, he wants all abortions outlawed.
Never let it be said that I don't entertain both sides of the argument!

(I also agree completely with this Op Ed. Yes, I am an independent, and damned proud of it!)
_____

From Elizabeth:
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.

When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.

When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."

Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
_____

From my Brother-in-Law:
Because I'm a man...

...when I lock my keys in the car, I will fiddle with a wire long after hypothermia has set in.

...when the car isn't running very well, I will pop the hood and stare at the engine as if I know what I'm looking at. If another man shows up, one of us will say to the other, "I used to be able to fix these things, but now with all these computers and everything, I wouldn't know where to start."

...when I catch a cold, I need someone to bring me soup and take care of me while I lie in bed and moan.
You're a woman. You never get as sick as I do, so for you this isn't a problem.

...I can be relied upon to purchase basic groceries at the store, like milk and bread. I cannot be expected to find exotic items like "cumin" or "tofu". For all I know, these are the same thing. And never, under any circumstances, expect me to pick up anything for which "feminine hygiene product" is a euphemism.

...when one of our appliances stops working, I will insist on taking it apart, despite evidence that this will just cost me twice as much, once the repair person gets here and has to put it back together.

...I must hold the television remote control in my hand while I watch TV. If the thing has been misplaced, I may miss a whole show looking for it (though one time I was able to survive by holding a calculator).

...I don't think we're all that lost, and no, I don't think we should stop and ask someone. Why would you listen to a complete stranger? I mean, how could he know where we're going?

...there is no need to ask me what I'm thinking about.
The answer is always either sex, cars, beer, or football. I have to make up something else when you ask, so don't ask.

...I do not want to visit your mother, or have your mother come vist us, or talk to her when she calls, or think about her any more than I have to. Whatever you got her for Mother's Day is okay; I don't need to see it. And don't forget to pick up something for my mother, too.

...you don't have to ask me if I liked the movie.
Chances are, if you're crying at the end of it, I didn't.

...I think what you're wearing is fine. I thought what you were wearing five minutes ago was fine, too. Either pair of shoes is fine. With the belt of without it...looks fine. Your hair is fine. You look fine. Can we just go now?

...and this is, after all, the year 2003, I will share equally with the housework. You just do the laundry, the cooking, the gardening, the cleaning, the vacuuming, and the dishes, and I'll do the rest.

This has been a public service message from Men Helping Women to Better Understand the Male.
_____

From Paul...
A man is stumbling through the woods totally drunk when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.

He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher.

The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, whereupon he asks the drunk, "Are you ready to find Jesus?"

The drunk answers, "Yes, I am."

So the preacher grabs him and dunks him in the water. He pulls him up and asks the drunk, "Brother, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk replies, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

The preacher shocked at the answer, dunks him into the water again for a little longer this time. He again pulls him out of the water and asks again, "Have you found Jesus, my brother?"

The drunk again answers, "No, I haven't found Jesus."

By this time the preacher is at his wits end and dunks the drunk in the water again--but this time holds him down for about 30 seconds and when he begins kicking his arms and legs he pulls him up.

The preacher again asks the drunk, "For the love of God, have you found Jesus?"

The drunk wipes his eyes and catches his breath and says to the preacher, "Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
_____

From Nancy V., a blonde joke I don't think this guy's posted yet:
A trucker stops for a red light, and a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door. The trucker lowers the window, and she says "Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.

When the truck stops for another red light, the girl again catches up again. She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.

Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they've never spoken, the blonde says brightly, "Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.

At the third red light, the same thing happens again. All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door.

The trucker lowers the window. Again she says "Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!"

When the light turns green, the trucker revs up and races to the next light. When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde. He knocks on her window, and as she lowers it, he says...

"Hi, my name is Kevin, it's winter in Wisconsin and I'm driving the SALT TRUCK!
Then again, Denny does live in Jawja, and I'm not sure he's ever even seen a salt truck before...
_____

From Jan...
MARKETING 101: A SHORT LESSON

You see a gorgeous hunk at a party. You go up to him and say, "I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed".
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous hunk at a party. You go up to him and get his telephone number. The next day you call and say, "I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "I'm fantastic in bed".
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous hunk. He walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed".
That's Brand Recognition.
_____
Leslie

3 comments:

Mike said...

On Dax's pattern, the "pro-life" advocate would retort: And if you don't like murder, don't commit one! Not that I agree with the equation of abortion and murder, but that is the central issue. Dax and the bumper-stickers are begging the question.

Joanie said...

LD approves the Dem/Republican portion of this post.

Omnibus Driver said...

Tell LD his Auntie Omnibus sends a smoocherooni and wishes him a wonderful visit with you!