Leslie's Omnibus

I LOST my MOM, Part II

(Okay, so I lied... er... got to busy to finish the story on time, so this was posted June 7th, 2004. Needless to say, I caught HELL from some of Mom's friends!)

As I said before, my brother is going to kill us. I know it. He's uber-protective of my mom. And she's smoke. We have no idea where she is. I'm dead, deader, deadest. So is Blade.

I threw some money at Melissa, the bartender. Making the ultimate sacrifice, I left a full glass of a decent cabernet on the bar and headed for the car. A chorus of, "Your Mom is going to be fine" followed me out the door.

I had visions of Mom getting on the wrong train and ending up in Altoona, Iowa.
Mom passed out in some ladies room in a diabetic coma.
Mom being mugged and pushed off the train at any station other than her own.
Mom running off to Vegas with the conductor.
Mom being abducted by aliens.
(You get the picture.)
I jumped into the car and headed for Lake Shore Drive. I got as far as Lawrence, and picked up the cell phone. Maybe…

"MOM??? You're HOME???"
"Well of course I'm home. Where did you think I'd be?"
"I didn't know. Blade didn't know. How in the hell did you get home?"
"I called your sister and she came and got me."
"But Blade was THERE and he didn't see you."
"Blade WASN'T there."
"Yes, he was."
"No, he wasn't."
"Wait. I've got to get a hold of Blade. He's somewhere between Aurora and Route 59. I'll call you back."
I pulled off at Irving Park and headed back towards Old St. Andrews, frantically dialing Blade's number. "I'm sorry. The number you're dialing is not in service." SHIT!

I must have hit the redial button 15 times before Blade finally tried dialing me.
"You're not going to believe this…"
"Mom is home."
"She said you weren't there, and she called my sister."
"But I WAS there. I was up and down that platform a dozen times trying to find her."
"Well, somehow or other you missed her. But she's home and she's safe. Why don't you head back that way? By the way -- call Mom."

"You're right. I don't believe it. But I'm on my way. And you BET I'm calling your mom."
I pulled into my usual parking space and headed back into St. Andrews. Everyone started laughing, and pointed to my still-full glass sitting on the bar. No sooner did I get my butt planted back on the stool than the phone rang again. I bounced back up and headed out the door so I could hear.

"Mom? What happened? Blade was on the north side of the tracks waiting for you. He was up and down the platform looking for you."

"Why would he do that? Everyone always picks me up on the SOUTH side of the tracks."
"And this is the first time he's ever picked you up. How was he supposed to know that?"
"Well I don't know. Why didn't he come check on the south side of the tracks before he headed off into the night? [Editorial note: In retrospect, that's a dandy question. I didn't think of it, either.] I assumed that he'd pick me up on the south side."

"Mom, you know that when you assume you make an "ass" of "u" and "me".
"I guess you're right."
"But in any case, why didn't you call me? You knew I had Blade's number."
"Oh. I didn't think about that. I just waited ten minutes, got fed up and then called your sister." [Note the extraordinary patience. She waited a whole 10 minutes.]

"And why didn't you call me as soon as you got home?"
"As a matter of fact, I had just walked in the door when you called."
"Fine. Now you have to call Heidi and swear her to secrecy. You know Keith will kill Blade and I if he ever finds out."

"Don't worry about that. I'll just tell your brother that none of this would have happened if he'd just stayed home for the weekend."

Dissolve into gales of laughter at both ends of the phone line…
"Okay. Gotta go Mom. Love you lots."
"Love you, too."
Can I get that drink now?
P.S. -- Now I understand completely how parents feel when their kids don't show up by curfew. Sheesh.
P.P.S. -- Keith hasn't said a word, but I have a feeling that sooner or later Blade and I are in for some serious ribbing...


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