From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

From Elizabeth, and for my friend Cheryl (who's had many, many of these discussions):

Remember, one need be neither Jewish nor a mother to be a Jewish Mother.

The phone rings. Jewish mother picks up the phone and answers, Hello?

Daughter: Hi Mom. Can I leave the kids with you tonight?

Jewish Mother: You're going out?

Daughter: Yes.

Jewish Mother: With whom?

Daughter: With a friend.

Jewish Mother: I don't know why you left your husband. He's a good man.

Daughter: I didn't leave him. He left me.

Jewish Mother: You let him leave you, and now you go out with anybodies and nobodies.

Daughter: I do not go out with anybody. Can I bring over the kids?

Jewish Mother: I never left you to go out with anybody except your father.

Daughter: There are lots of things that you did and I don't.

Jewish Mother: What are you hinting at?

Daughter: Nothing. I just want to know if I can bring the kids over tonight.

Jewish Mother: You're going to stay the night with him? What will your Husband say if he finds out?

Daughter: My ex- husband. I don't think he would be bothered. From the day he left me, he probably never slept alone.

Jewish Mother: So you're going to sleep over at this loser's place?

Daughter: He's not a loser.

Jewish Mother: A man who goes out with a divorced woman with children is a Loser and a parasite.

Daughter: I don't want to argue. Should I bring over the kids or not?

Jewish Mother: Poor children with such a mother.

Daughter: Such a what?

Jewish Mother: With no stability. No wonder your husband left you.

Daughter: ENOUGH!!!

Jewish Mother: Don't scream at me. You probably scream at this loser too.

Daughter: Now you're worried about the loser?

Jewish Mother: Ah, so he IS a loser. I spotted him immediately.

Daughter: Goodbye, Mother.

Jewish Mother: Wait! Don't hang up. When are you bringing the children over?

Daughter: I'm not bringing them over. I'm not going out!

Jewish Mother: If you never go out, how do you expect to meet anyone?

_____

A Redneck Valentine's Day Poem, from the Sweetheart of Shell Knob, MO:

Collards is green,
my dog's name is Blue
and I'm so lucky
to have a sweet thang like you.

Yore hair is like cornsilk
a-flapping in the breeze.
Softer than Blue's
and without all them fleas.

You move like the bass,
which excite me in May.
You ain't got no scales
but I luv you anyway.

Yo're as satisfy'n as okry
jist a-fry'n in the pan.
Yo're as fragrant as "snuff"
right out of the can.

You have some'a yore teeth,
for which I am proud;
I hold my head high
when we're in a crowd.

On special occasions,
when you shave under yore arms,
well, I'm in hawg heaven,
and awed by yore charms.

Them fellers at work,
they all want to know,
what I did to deserve
such a purdy yung doe.

Like a good roll of duct tape
yo're there fer yore man,
to patch up life's troubles
and fix what you can.

Yo're as cute as a junebug
a-buzzin' overhead.
You ain't mean like those far ants
I found in my bed.

Cut from the best cloth
like a plaid flannel shirt,
you spark up my life
more than a fresh load of dirt .

When you hold me real tight
like a padded gunrack,
my life is complete;
Ain't nuttin' I lack.

Yore complexion, it's perfection,
like the best vinyl sidin'.
despite all the years,
yore age, it keeps hidin'.

Me 'n' you's like a Moon Pie
with a RC cold drank,
we go together
like a skunk goes with stank.

Some men, they buy chocolate
for Valentine's Day;
They git it at Wal-Mart,
it's romantic that way.

Some men git roses
on that special day
from the cooler at Kroger.
That's impressive," I say.

But for this man, honey,
these won't do.
Cause yor'e too special,
you sweet thang you.

I got you a gift,
without taste nor odor,
more useful than diamonds......
IT'S A NEW TROLL'N MOTOR!!
_____