Leslie's Omnibus

From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

Acidman has a list of things you'll never hear a redneck say.

Marian sends a list containing silly plays on words:

1. Arbitrator: A cook that leaves Arby's to work at McDonald's.
2.. Avoidable: What a bullfighter tries to do.
3.. Bernadette: The act of torching a mortgage.
4.. Burglarize: What a crook sees with.
5.. Control: A short, ugly inmate.
6.. Counterfeiters: Workers who put together kitchen cabinets.
7.. Eclipse: What an English barber does for a living.
8.. Eyedropper: A clumsy ophthalmologist.
9.. Heroes: What a guy in a boat does.
10.. Left Bank: What the robber did when his bag was full of loot.
11.. Misty: How golfers create divots.
12.. Paradox: Two physicians
13.. Parasites: What you see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.
14.. Pharmacist: A helper on the farm.
15.. Polarize: What penguins see with.
16.. Primate: Removing your spouse from in front of the TV.
17.. Relief: What trees do in the spring.
18.. Rubberneck: What you do to relax your wife.
19.. Seamstress: Describes 250 pounds in a size 6.
20.. Selfish: What the owner of a seafood store does.
21.. Sudafed: Brought litigation against a government official.
22.. Subdued .... like a guy, like works on one of those, like, submarines, man!

She also sent this: 25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song on an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of hook up and break up.
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@# kids next doorwon't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You no longer take naps from noon to 6 PM!
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset,rather than settle, your stomach.
19. If you're a gal, you go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good stuff."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to," replaces, "I'm never goingto drink that much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign thatdoesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old butt.

Then there's this little tale from the Sweetheart of Shell Knob, MO: A fable for the 21st century

One day, a seamstress sitting close to a river, made a careless move and in the flash of an eyelid, her thimble departed her finger and fell into the river.

When she cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "My dear child, why are you crying?"

The seamstress explained that her precious thimble had fallen into the water and she desperately needed it to generate extra income to help her husbandprovide for their family.

The Lord dipped His hand into the water and immediately pulled up a golden thimble set with pearls.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord again dipped his hand into the river, this time producing a silver thimble ringed with sapphires.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

Again, the seamstress replied, "No."

The Lord reached down again and came up with a soggy leather thimble.

"Is this your thimble?" the Lord asked.

The seamstress replied, "Yes."

Impressed with the woman's honesty, the Lord allowed her to keep all three thimbles. The seamstress went home happy.

Some years later, the seamstress was walking with her husband along the same riverbank when her husband tripped over some rocks, hit his head, fell into the river and disappeared under the water.

When she cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked her, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my husband has fallen into the river!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Mel Gibson.

Is this your husband?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the seamstress.

The Lord was furious. "You lied!....that was an untruth!"

The seamstress replied, "Oh, forgive me, my Lord, you misunderstand my motives. You see, if I had said 'no' to Mel Gibson, you would have produced Tom Cruise. Then if I said 'no' to him, you would have come up with my husband. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have surely rewarded me with all three men. Lord, you need to understand...I'm not in the best of health and would not be able to satisfy all three husbands, so THAT'S why I said 'yes' to Mel Gibson."

The moral of this story is: Whenever a woman lies, it's for a good and honorable reason, and in the best interest of others.

(That's our story, and we're sticking to it.)

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