Leslie's Omnibus

From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

The Manolo, he makes your Omnibus Driver have the many of the fits of the giggles.


Had Won Previous 74 Spats

Former "Jeopardy" champion Ken Jennings suffered another setback today, losing his first argument with his wife after winning an impressive seventy-four consecutive spats with her.

The victory streak began late last year, according to an associate of Mr. Jennings, when his wife told him to take out the garbage and he replied, "What is, 'I already did'?"

After Mrs. Jennings discovered that her husband had, in fact, already taken out the garbage, the "Jeopardy" master was on a roll, besting his wife in quarrels about doing the dishes, balancing the checkbook, and a host of other domestic bones of contention.

"Ken basically has been infallible for the last year or so," the associate said. "But once he blew that answer on 'Jeopardy' last week, his wife clearly saw a chink in the armor."

Mr. Jennings went down to defeat against his wife late Saturday night when she informed him that her mother would be staying with them for the holidays, to which Mr. Jennings responded, "What is, 'Over my dead body'?"

But before the erstwhile game-show champ could claim victory, Mrs. Jennings shot back, "What is, 'Go screw yourself, Ken'?"

According to Mr. Jennings' associate, the "Jeopardy" whiz has taken losing the argument with his wife "in stride."

"The pressure of winning fights with his wife was getting to be too much," the associate said. "I get a sense that Ken is relieved to have this streak business behind him."

Elsewhere, after a surprisingly testy exchange with troops in Iraq, the Pentagon announced the immediate withdrawal of Donald Rumsfeld.

Holy Toledo! My sister sent this (and I never get jokes from my busy, busy sister):

Holiday Eating Tips:

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls

2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

7. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

8. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

9. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.

10. One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Remember this motto to live by: "Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, chocolate in one hand, martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming "WOO HOO what a ride!"

Not to be outdone, Nancy V. sends this list: Here are 10 things to say when caught sleeping at your desk.....

10. "They told me at the Blood Bank this might happen."

9. "This is just a 15 minute power nap they raved about in the time management course you sent me to."

8. "Whew! Guess I left the top off the Whiteout. You probably got here just in time."

7. "I wasn't sleeping! I was meditating on the mission statement and envisioning a new business strategy."

6. "I was testing my keyboard for drool resistance."

5. "I was doing a highly specific Yoga exercise to relieve work-related stress. Are you discriminatory toward people who practice Yoga?"

4. "Darn! Why did you interrupt me? I had almost figured out how to handle that big accounting problem."

3. "Did you ever notice sound coming out of these keyboards when you put your ear down real close?"

2. "Who put decaf in the wrong pot?!?"

NUMBER ONE best thing to say if you get caught sleeping at your desk........

1. Raise your head slowly and say, "...in Jesus name, Amen."

Harvey posts fun (and very little known) facts about Christmas here.

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