Rubber-Necking

Stumbled across this little educational video...

Yep.  That's pretty much the look on my face after a few seconds of narration. 

Want more?

Cool.  Gross.  Hysterical.

If those didn't get at least one full-fledged belly laugh out of you, you're not my kind of people.

Stuck in Traffic

Why don't the pinheads in Springfield feel the need to reform Illinois' government pension problems?  They must not take it too seriously, and who would?  Good ol' Governor Giveaway's master plan rolled out today is based on a spiffy new mascot Squeezy the Pension Python...

... and the school children of the state with red plastic megaphones to rescue us.



But take heart, citizens of Illinois!

"Quinn went so far as to encourage families gathering at the Thanksgiving dinner table to 'speak to each other' about the pension crisis."

Yep.  Talk, talk and more talk by people who don't have a vote in Springfield. That oughta fix it.  After all, that's the Illinois way.

(Let's hope to God that Obama doesn't end up being inspired to deal with the national debt crisis in the same manner.)

Who Has Time...

... to blog when I'm having scintillating email conversations about said failure to post like the following?

Subject: Dilatory and Derelict

Mike: Seriously, now. Twelve days?

Me: Play closing weekend, sick, family obligations and work up to my eyebrows. Pffffllllbbbbbbbttt!

Mike: You put that tongue away, missy!

Me: Yeah? Sez who?

Mike: (Every response I could think of, suppressed.)

Me: *neener neener neener*

Mike: That's it, young lady. Go to your room!

Me: Make me. Nyaah nyaah nyaah!

Mike: And no dinner, either.

Me: That's okay -- I still have my pillowcase full of Halloween candy hidden under my bed. (So there.)

There -- I posted! Are you happy now?

Drive-Bys

While I find it amusing that the protest mob in New York is eating better than I am most of the time...

Hundreds of grimy protesters laying siege to Wall Street and stuffed into the now-smelly Zuccotti Park dine each night on gourmet meals prepared by a former hotel chef using only the finest organic ingredients.

...I can't find fault, because the food and the prep space is all donated.

Most of the produce, grass-fed meat and organic chicken is donated from small organic farms upstate, including Northland Sheep Dairy, West Haven Farm and Wide Awake Bakery in Ithaca, and several farms in Connecticut and Vermont.

As long as it's not on my nickel, why shouldn't they eat well?
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In more Occupy Wall Street news, the protesters aren't much liking the whole involuntary redistribution of wealth concept when it's their stuff that's being seized:

Occupy Wall Street protesters said yesterday that packs of brazen crooks within their ranks have been robbing their fellow demonstrators blind, making off with pricey cameras, phones and laptops -- and even a hefty bundle of donated cash and food.

“Stealing is our biggest problem at the moment,” said Nan Terrie, 18, a kitchen and legal-team volunteer from Fort Lauderdale.

“I had my Mac stolen -- that was like $5,500. Every night, something else is gone. Last night, our entire [kitchen] budget for the day was stolen, so the first thing I had to do was . . . get the message out to our supporters that we needed food!”

Note that not one of these people sees the irony.
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Giggle of the Day:


see more Lolcats and funny pictures, and check out our Socially Awkward Penguin lolz!

Drive-Bys

Why, ultimately, will Occupy Chicago not work?

“Are you here to occupy?” asks Tyler, 20, a young man from Tennessee with whimsical facial tattoos. I tell him no, I’m the media, and ask why he is here, standing in the rain.

“First of all, we’re changing things,” he says. “The people in this bank right here have to listen to the drums every day and have to see us every day, and sooner or later they’ll get real tired of it. We’re going to be here until something happens. Sooner or later, everybody’s going to get sick of it.”

No doubt, though when it comes to real change, I put my chips on “later.” I can’t see the economic order crumbling because those in power get tired of the drumming. Those who have in our society do not generally give up what they have unless forced, and when they do give, it’s symbolic — the bags of cash being handed out by the Federal Reserve at its lobby money museum are shredded, of course, and thus worthless. There is no free money.

Ah, yes! The bank will cease to do business, pack up its marbles and go home because the powers-that-be are sick of the drumming!

Then again, maybe this explains all behind that kind of magical thinking:



And then there's the brilliance of Occupy DC:

You could say they haven't harmed anyone here downtown, except that they have. In McPherson Square, where some two or three dozen of them have been camping out for the last week, they have already ruined a few newly sodded sections of the park.

The re-sodding of the park was completed this year as part of a $419,000 stimulus project to refurbish the square. The park, which is across from the Examiner Building in downtown D.C., was shut down for months during the project.

You could say they're stimulating the economy, because now taxpayers will have to cough up a few thousand more to fix the damage.

Wonderful strategy, eh?

Krauthammer sums it up beautifully:

To the villainy-of-the-rich theme emanating from Washington, a child is born: Occupy Wall Street. Starbucks-sipping, Levi's-clad, iPhone-clutching protesters denounce corporate America even as they weep for Steve Jobs, corporate titan, billionaire eight times over.

These indignant indolents saddled with their $50,000 student loans and English degrees have decided that their lack of gainful employment is rooted in the malice of the millionaires on whose homes they are now marching — to the applause of Democrats suffering acute tea party envy and now salivating at the energy these big-government anarchists will presumably give their cause.

Except that the real tea party actually had a program — less government, less regulation, less taxation, less debt. What's the Occupy Wall Street program? Eat the rich.

And then what? Haven't gotten that far.

Too right.
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But maybe I was wrong about that free money thing after all:

Like many homeowners these days, Victor and Yvonne Delia stood to lose a lot — about $90,000 — when they sold their townhouse near Midway Airport five months ago.

Instead, the two retired Chicago police officers managed to walk away with a 23 percent profit — thanks to property taxes collected from 61,145 of their fellow Southwest Side homeowners.

Ah! That's the Illinois way. And there's more:

Scanlan — a neighbor of Illinois House Speaker Michael J. Madigan, who helped enact the home-equity law — used the program to more than double his investment on the West Lawn bungalow at 6430 S. Keeler that he bought for $105,000 on Dec. 20, 2003.

He enrolled in the program and was given a guaranteed value of $263,000, according to an Aug. 31, 2005, appraisal.

He sold the home for $182,000 on Sept. 8, 2010, then got $81,000 more from the association on Sept. 20, 2010 — for a total of $263,000.

Scanlan moved to a two-story home in Burbank that he bought for $200,000.

And this:

The Suarezes bought their ranch house at 6221 S. Karlov in West Lawn for $135,000 on Sept. 22, 1998, enrolled in the program and were given a guaranteed value of $248,000, according to a March 2, 2005, appraisal.

They sold the house for $164,000 on April 8, 2011, then got $84,000 more from the association on April 20, 2011 — for a total of $248,000.

The Suarezes now live in a bilevel home they bought for $332,500 in the Garfield Ridge neighborhood.

The magic money machine strikes again. That is what you pay taxes for, isn't it?
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Here's an article on how to fix some of the privacy issues with the new Facebook features. (If I hadn't just friended someone who I haven't seen or heard from in a very long time, I'd have deleted my page with this last round of changes. And I may do it yet. Ugh.)
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This could almost turn me into a Katy Perry fan:


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Drive-Bys

Just how gullible can some women be?

An 81-year-old man who posed as a doctor so he could con his way into women's homes and perform fake breast examinations has struck a plea deal with prosecutors, narrowly escaping spending the rest of his lief in prison.

Phillip Winikoff, from Coconut Creek, Florida, was accused of carrying out the pretence with a black doctor's bag in April 2006 at an apartment complex in Fort Lauderdale.

Two women are said to have fallen for his ruse and allowed him into their apartment.

The first victim, a 36-year-old, said once Winikoff was inside her apartment, he 'touched her breast'. She realised something was wrong when he moved his hand down into her pants and fondled her.

By the time the victim called 911, Winikoff had already found a second victim, the sheriff's office said.

Seriously???
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Speaking of seriously, how has this managed to have gone unaddressed for so long?

Cook County Forest Preserve District workers soon will be getting e-mail addresses, performance reviews and clear descriptions of their jobs.

The lack of decent technology is bad enough, but the no performance reviews? No job descriptions? That's just plain nuts. (And that's government Chicago-style for you!)
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For those of you that think Hillary Clinton running for Veep alongside Obama is a good idea, keep in mind her "good" judgment:

"I do not think it's even in the realm of possibility, and in large measure because I think Vice President Biden has done an amazingly good job."

That ranks right up there with, "Brownie, you're doing a heck of a job."
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I've been beating the drum on this topic for years.

In the movies, you know the seemingly mismatched couple are really soulmates when they perform karaoke and both miraculously know the words to some obscure song. All their problems melt away, and confessions of undying love and marriage on the beach swiftly follow.

The inference is that once you find your soulmate, there are no rows and you will be unquestionably accepted for who you are. No wonder everyone wants one — particularly this generation, many of whom had a front-row seat for their parents’ divorce.

Obviously, we need to believe that something will save us from repeating our parents’ mistakes — so the idea that soulmates exist is very attractive. Sadly, it’s totally devoid of realism.

Did they listen to me? Noooooooooooooo. And nobody will pay any attention to this article, either.

Lest you think I lack a romantic soul, however, keep in mind that several of my close friends also thought I was nuts when I arranged for two crazy kids to meet back in 2007. In 2008, those same friends had to eat their words. And guess what?


(Click to embiggen, and check the left hand.)



Nanny-nanny boo-boo to you!
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Drive-Bys

How did CharlieDelta's cat pick him?


It was a match made in heaven, actually.
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Side by side in today's Daily Mail, the following headlines:

• Smoke, drink, eat the wrong food and live to 100... if you've inherited the right genes
  
  
• Mediterranean diet 'lengthens life by up to FIFTEEN years', researchers claim

So... which is true and which isn't?
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Why, oh, why do politicians just not get it???

Another politician forced to resign after sending naked pictures to woman he had online relationship with

Camera phone + naked + press "send" = TROUBLE + caught... er... red-handed

It's a very simple equation, no?
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On the other hand, here's a little article to remind you that there are good people left in the world:

In 55 days, Kellogg assisted 115 strangers and made an exhilarating realization: “You don’t have to be a billionaire to be a philanthropist,” he says. “You just have to ask people, ‘How can I help?’ ”

Would that there were many more young folks out there just like him.
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Why do I love hanging around with my BlownStar Blodgers pal El Capitan? Because he'll take part in the damnedest things... like this. (And, yes -- you can see him quite clearly in that video clip.)

I'll be seeing him in just a few weeks. Check back to see if he taught me all those fancy steps.
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Giggle of the Day:

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Quick Stops

Just when you think you've heard it all, you find out that the ACLU is suing to get porn for South Carolina inmates and that the KKK protests the WBC. Is there a full moon this week?
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I've been having some real doozies of dreams lately. In the past couple of days they've included:

• Two long-haired Dachshunds -- one white, one tan;
• A fistful of small unstretched canvas paintings that turned to bits of colored cotton knit fabric in my hands because I took too long to pick which one I wanted;
• A fantastic pillow-strewn bed with beautiful cream colored linens perched high on the side of a hill overlooking a lake. The sun was behind the waves of the lake, revealing schools of shimmering fish and mermaids;
• Skeet shooting;
  
• Gorgeous architectural arches with a twilight sky beyond them. I have to choose either to go get my camera and possibly miss the shot because night will have fallen before I get back or to just stay and enjoy the view, knowing I have missed a perfect photo opportunity;
• The Princess Mom and my sister.

That's just the bits I remember over a couple of days. Ack.
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The way things are going, I'll see you in my dreams!

Drive-Bys

Euphemism of the Day:

"Manager"

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Quote of the Day:

"You can look it up in the Guinness Book of Nut Huggers." -- Julie Hammerle

It'll take me a while to bleach that image from my brain.
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Pssst! You might want to consider changing your Facebook password.
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I've had three -- count 'em, three -- referrals from here today. Why?

Note to the big-mouthed guy who holds our entire train car hostage with your pontifications on everything and nothing every single day of the work week: We're getting quiet cars, pal. Nanny, nanny boo-boo to you!
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Rubber-Necking

Quote of the Day:

Chicago may be the unofficial brestaurant capital of the U.S. with 11 Hooters, 10 Tilted Kilts, two Brick House Tavern & Taps and a Show-Me's, with Twin Peaks planning to enter the market within the year.

I can't tell you how proud that makes me to be a Chicagoan.

Saturday Ramblings

Normally he's the most serious of babies, so this shot of Mr. Monkey Toes grinning at the camera made my day!

He may look like his daddy, but he's got his mama's sweet smile!

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As cool as this is (and it is)...

... the fact that the animation was done by a high school freshman is just amazing!

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Mary Schmich lists her nine best books for 2010.

While I still haven't posted my list of December books read, here's my own Top 10 Books Read in 2010 (I'm choosing by what I read this year, not necessarily what was published this year)

1. Beatrice & Virgil: A Novel, Yann Martel -- In turns beautiful, comical and horrifying. This one has stuck with me like no other. I highly, highly recommend it.
2. Brainwashed: Challenging the Myth of Black Inferiority, Tom Burrell -- Written by a black man to a black audience, but for anyone who wants to understand race relations in this country it's a must-read.
3. Born Under a Million Shadows, Andrea Busfield -- My favorite character since Piscine Molitor Patel. I'll read this one again and again.
4. Confessions of a Compact Camera Shooter, Rick Sammon -- If you want to do a whole lot more with your little point-and-shoot camera, this book is packed full of good information and written in terms that won't intimidate the techno-challenged (like me).
5. The Shadow of the Wind, Carlos Ruiz Zafón -- Set in post-war Spain, it's a quest novel of heartbreaking beauty.
6. Packing for Mars – The Curious Science of Life in the Void, Mary Roach -- It made me laugh out loud and it was stuffed with interesting data.
7. The Dirty Life: On Farming, Food and Love, Kristin Kimball -- Not a life I'd choose for myself, but one that certainly is rich and wonderful. I could practically taste, smell and feel every element of life on an organic farm.
8. Major Pettigrew’s Last Stand: A Novel, Helen Simonson -- A reminder that there's no age limit on finding love.
9. The Believers, Zoe Heller -- Whether you're liberal, conservative or independent, this is a fascinating fictional peek into the mind of the liberal left. Favorite quote: “’You want to know what I’d do if the truth revealed itself to me and it wasn’t the truth I wanted to find?’ ‘Yes’ Audrey smiled. ‘I’d reject it.” Bang on.
10. Mary Ann in Autumn: A Tales of the City Novel, Armisted Maupin -- I loved the original series and was delighted that Maupin treated my old friends, all of them dearly missed, with such affection.

What are your Top 10 reads for the year?

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Speaking of love stories, here's a dandy:

For the back story, go here. Sappy. Hilarious. Charming.

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So my underwire bra is a threat to national security and requires a groping that left marks for days, but an Iranian-American can get on a plane with a Glock in his bag? Sooooooooo glad to see that the TSA has it's priorities straight and is so effective in its mission.

By the way -- this story about a TSA agent stealing travelers' laptops is exactly why I object to having to step away from your stuff for a body scan or grope fest.

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It's no secret that I'm fully in favor of repealing that obnoxious "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" law. I'm happy to report it's on it's way out the door! Well done.

(John McCain can go pound sand, as far as I'm concerned.)

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More Game of Thrones geekery:

The Artisans: Simon Brindle

Beautiful, no?

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I just had to swipe this from Becky:

Drive-Bys

Ear Worm and Great Big Grin of the Day:

Kids and a sprinkler and a sunny day -- always a recipe for fun.

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Button-Buster of the Day:

"Holy Cow! I just got assigned my first attempted murder case. Craziness."

That's my kid -- taking names and kicking ass. I am so proud of her!

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Mayor Shortshanks proposes bar carts at the gates of O'Hare and Midway and extending all terminal restaurants with bar service and the carts to 24 hour days, making this brilliant proposal on the same day a Chicago-bound flight is diverted to Denver to rid itself of a drunken and disorderly passenger. (Ah, well -- they'll be somebody else's nightmare, not ours. La la la!)

I won't list all the obvious arguments against this -- others will do it better.

I will note, however, that I expect the airlines will be thrilled with the possibility of losing in flight sales and control over what and how much a flyer is served if you can buy a six pack or slam a bunch of shots, or dump half a dozen cocktails into the empty water bottle you've brought along for just that purpose and carry them right onto the plane, just like you can bottled water or soda?

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Speaking of genius-level thought processes, Speaker Pelosi says the way to create jobs is to keep paying people unemployment.

Right.

We've seen article after article here in Illinois and also news from Detroit showing that people refuse to take jobs that pay near the same rate as their unemployment benefit because it's more convenient to just sit home and wait for more and let the government pay them to do it. Then we get peeved when illegal aliens take those same jobs that those living off the government teat are turning up their noses at.

Explain to me how this is creating jobs??? Ooo! Except for the government jobs created to deal with all those unemployment benefits.

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Why I read Ken Levine... and all his comments? First go read Ken's post on how the National Anthem should be sung. It's a thing of absolute beauty.

Then turn your attention to commenter Bevo at that same post, who displays all that is wrong in higher education today and pile on, please.

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Giggle of the Day:

Beginning to end, it's a scream!
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Update: I actually have some appetite today and managed to eat half a sandwich and most of a cup of soup at Panera (I had to walk the couple of blocks to my local grocery store because I had nothing in the house to eat... but since I've eaten almost nothing since Friday night, I stopped there first lest I end up with the shakes). This feels huge. My tastebuds and appetite are completely verfarkled, and normal favorites make me blanch, while things I haven't contemplated eating in years -- liked canned pears, icy cold from the fridge -- have a lot of appeal. Really plain stuff is okay. Turkey. White bread. Mayonnaise. I went a little wild and bought a box of pasta salad mix. Since I was picking so much high food value items, I tossed in a box of all fruit popsicles. That should hold me for the next few days.

I'm still coughing, hacking and wheezing up half a gallon of big green and yellow loogies a day, and my ribs are feeling it. That's on the negative side. On the positive, I'm less achy and a little more focused.

Baby steps, folks. I'm making baby steps.

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One More Thing:

I agree with most people that the vuvuzela is one of the more pernicious assaults on the ears I've heard in a long, long time... which is exactly why I donated money to pay for this creative use of the same:

Adam Quirk, the founder of Wreck & Salvage art video collection, started a campaign on kickstarter.com, raising dough to play 100 vuvuzelas outside BP Headquarters in London for an entire day in an attempt to encourage the company to get a move on cleaning up the oil spill.

Yes, he's met his goal, but why stop at 100?

Let 'em literally hear how pissed we are!

Padiddle*

I've had at least one eye open for the better part of the day -- a grand improvement over the past four. I'm still an irritable, uncomfortable, phlegmy, miserable mess with a barking cough and the attention span of a gnat, but that's what makes the intartubes wonderful -- they're as good taken in small bites as they are in big gulps.
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I suspect that even if I was feeling better, this would have given me a major case of the sniffles:

Who: Joe Brottman, 15, of Palatine, founded the Taps Brigade, a group of volunteer high school trumpeters who play taps, the haunting, 24-note bugle call played at military funerals and ceremonies.

What he does: Brottman, a sophomore honor roll student, is an award-winning trumpet player in the marching and jazz bands at Fremd High School in Palatine. He formed the nonprofit brigade after he learned that because there are so few buglers left in the military, a recording of taps is very often played at military funerals instead of being performed live.

"It's more respectful for the veterans and more meaningful for the families to have someone playing taps for them," said Brottman.

Go read the rest your own self. Even Donald Mills would approve.
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As far as I'm concerned, this is a novel... and probably valid... argument... but ballsy:

The gay soldiers arrested outside the White House protesting "Don't Ask, Don't Tell" will annouce today that they're demanding that President Obama testify in their trial on minor civil disobedience charges.

Their novel argument: Obama himself called on gay rights advocates to pressure him, so they were just following orders.

It's about time the Big Cheese learned to measure twice and cut once with his words.
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Three quick laughs... and if it made me actually crack a smile today, I know it'll give you a giggle:

• Expert riposte.
• How much do you want to bet this brain trust is a gold digger in training?
• The song I'm adopting as my personal anthem, given my own Facebook experience (NSFW):

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Quote of the Day:

"Can you imagine, Obama as President under Acidblogging? Heh." -- Jay Solo (from my comments)

Yes I can, actually. He'd have formed his own legion of pissed off folks, but I suspect he'd have preferred to call it a Whiskey Rebellion... or a Sweet Tea Party.
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Headline News:

'Tessellation' starts Thursday at Subway, avoiding gaps and overlaps

Elisson, my cheese-loving friend? I expect at least a 100 word story!
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That's it. I'm pooped.
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*What? You don't know what a padiddle is?

Drive-Bys

For my cheese-obsessed friend... a peek at Pastoral's shop in the French Market at Ogilvie Transportation Center:

I ended up buying three -- Chevre Noir aged cheddar from Quebec (yes, a goats milk cheddar), Bridgid's Abbey Trappist Monastery-Style Cheese from Colchester, CT and Nancy's Camembert from New York, along with a freshly baked baguette. Yum, yum, YUM!
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Giggle of the Day:


see more Lolcats and funny pictures
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One day I'll figure out how to get a completely focused shot at night... from a position on a bouncing bridge... with my Canon Power Shot. (I really, really, really want to upgrade to a DSLR, but won't do it until I get this one mastered first.)

In the meantime, here's my latest effort:

I swear one day I'll figure out how to get the logo on the Sun Times building in clear focus under these conditions!

I never tire of this view.
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Apparently nobody ever told this guy you catch more flies with honey than you do with vinegar:

Joliet police say Lovelee L. Walker, 29, of the 900 block of Lois Place, Joliet, spit at one emergency room nurse, hit another and broke medical equipment Wednesday because he felt they were treating his gunshot wound to the arm too slowly.

His mother did, however, give him the perfect name to be said with great sarcasm -- "Lovelee. Juuuuuuuuuust freakin' Lovelee."
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And here we have three brilliant and innovative thinkers who display the proper thanks and respect to a child's rescuers:

Three police officers rescued a 5-year-old boy who accidentally fell 10 feet into a hole and a man was Tased after allegedly punching the officer who scooped the child up after being lowered into the hole by his ankles Thursday night on the Northwest Side....

While patrolling the area, plainclothes officers Pinal, Guzman and Morrison were flagged down by the mother of the 5-year-old and other citizens saying that boy had fallen into a manhole next to a restaurant. Officers ran to the hole and saw the boy -- who was crying and visibly injured -- lying at the bottom of the hole, about 8-10 feet below, according to a police report.

The officers called for an ambulance as Pinal and Guzman lowered Morrison by his ankles down the hole and Morrison was able to grab hold of the boy, while Guzman and Pinal pulled him both up, the report said.

The officers then carried the child to ambulance that eventually transported him to Children’s Memorial Hospital where he was in “stable” condition....

But while paramedics were trying to render aid to the child, a 17-year-old relative of the boy allegedly became “very belligerent,’’ and tried to climb into the ambulance. When medics called for police assistance, the relative allegedly punched Morrison in the chest, the report said.

While the relative was placed in handcuffs, another man on the scene -- 29-year-old Pedro Bahena -- allegedly became irate, and was yelling and swearing at the officers. Pinal tried to calm him down but Bahena then allegedly punched Pinal, who Tased Bahena and subdued him, the report said.

Bahena was taken to Our Lady of Resurrection Medical Center to have the Taser prongs removed, but as Bahena was being placed into custody Uriel Banuelos, who is related to the teen -- possibly brothers -- tried to stop his arrest and he was also placed into custody.

Do you think idiocy is coded in this family's DNA? Future Darwin Award winners, I'm betting.
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Quote of the Day:

"There just aren't enough cougars to go around."

Bwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahaha!

Even though it's relatively close to where I live, I definitely won't be attending this event. Ick.
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Spilt...

... coffee?

(Thanks, Elizabeth!)

Drive-Bys

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Jihad Gene says, "It's Friday! Let's Dance!" and he's doing it doggie style.

Alrighty then. I'll see your Gloria Gaynor and raise you a Mark and Julee Weems:



(Swiped gleefully from Patti.)

And what've you got?
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Giggle of the Day:


see more Lolcats and funny pictures
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Quote of the Day:

You might know Jesus, but that won’t stop you from getting Tasered.

Go see more of Spark Check here. He hasn't been blogging long, but, by jinkies, he's good.
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I wouldn't go on a Cougar cruise for anything. And I certainly wouldn't let anyone take my picture or interview me about the experience.

That's positively pathetic.
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I am not at all happy with either of Illinois' choices for senatorial candidates this year, but...

... if I have to choose between a guy with a decent congressional track record but a penchant for self-puffery and a guy who lent money to mobsters and lost family bank at great cost to the taxpayer, but who called it "selling" the bank, and who lost millions of taxpayer dollars by his mismanagement of a college savings fund and lied about the extent of the loss in his first elected position, well... I know who I'm not voting for.
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I found Buzz Aldrin positively creepy on this season's Dancing With The Stars... but his wife is truly a horror show. Is is me, or does she make drag queens look positively straight-laced?
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How many months into his term in office are we before he puts this policy in place:

Don't Pay Dead People

Swell. Nice to see that, as usual, he's on top of things.
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Saw this and thought of Elisson... who's now Lost in the Cheese Aisle (without his little white chune box, apparently...). Now that's a colander!
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Boy meets girl. What a cool story! (Any bets on this becoming, at a minimum, a movie of the week?)
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Interpreting the Signs Along the Way

Having a hard time keeping up with fast-moving developments in the Gulf? Confused by the cacophonous nonsense coming from oil industry hacks and government spokesmouths?

Don’t worry, you’re not alone. Below is a handy timeline that cuts through the absurdity and tells you everything you need to know.

April 20 – An explosion on the oil rig Deepwater Horizon – owned by TransOcean and leased to British Petroleum (BP) – kills 11 workers and injures dozens in the Gulf of Mexico. Within days, the rig sinks in 5,000 feet of water. Industry and government officials insist there is no oil leaking from the site. Few people believe them.

April 24 – BP and the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Agency admit that well, actually, yes, oil is leaking, but only at a rate of 1,000 barrels a day. This number is determined by combining data from an Ouija board, several antique backgammon dice, and a family of capuchin monkeys who throw darts at numbers taped to a wall. (This method is also used to calculate the unemployment rate and other massively understated government statistics.)

April 28 – The Obama administration and BP now say that oil is spilling at a rate “more than originally estimated,” perhaps as much as 5,000 barrels a day. BP insists that “it’s too early to speculate” on the flow rate and flatly refuses to make its capuchin monkeys available for comment.

May 7 – As the scale of the disaster becomes clear, outraged Americans react in typical American fashion: By complaining loudly about oil company greed – and by continuing to consume 20 million barrels of oil a day.

May 11 – In testimony before Congress, BP blames TransOcean. TransOcean blames Halliburton. Halliburton blames TransOcean and BP. Rinse. Repeat.

May 12 – Some Americans begin to ask why a private corporation continues to call the shots on containing the spreading environmental disaster it created. These Americans are quickly labeled socialists, tree-huggers, terrorists, dead-enders, criminal elements, petty thieves, and even “former Ba’athists.” Meanwhile, heavy oil reaches Louisiana’s coastal marshes.

May 13 – Independent scientists studying new video of the massive gusher suggest the flow rate may be as high as 95,000 barrels per day. Viewing the footage for the first time, a spokesperson for BP accidentally says, “Whoa! Look at that sucker go! Ain’t nothin’ gonna stop that thing!” (He is quickly fired.)

May 14 – BP CEO Tony Hayward suggests that the amount of oil released is “tiny” compared to “the total volume of water” in the Gulf of Mexico. A BP spokesman says “it’s too early to speculate” on whether Hayward’s brain is “tiny” when compared to the size of his entire skull – or to the brain of a capuchin monkey.

May 15 – BP again refuses to deploy equipment that could accurately measure the flow rate. A company spokesman actually says, “It’s not relevant to the response effort, and it might even detract from the response effort.” This earns him a Botox Award, given to PR flacks who say ridiculous things with a completely straight face.

May 19 – With options dwindling, the world turns once again to the one man who can save the day. He is contacted by a talking holographic image of Interior Secretary Ken Salazar, beamed from a small, beeping robot: “Help us, Kevin Costner. You’re our only hope!” Costner responds by (a) providing technology that filters oil from seawater, and (b) apologizing, yet again, for “Message in a Bottle.”

May 20 – BP tests a new machine (also developed by Kevin Costner!) that takes weeks’ worth of preposterous public relations statements and transforms them into a massive, impenetrable ball of solid waste that can be used to plug leaking oil wells. The company says “it’s too early to speculate” on the machine’s effectiveness, but ramps up its production of “preposterous public relations statements” anyway.

May 21 – Reports surface that a newspaper columnist Bill Shein recently trademarked the phrase, “it’s too early to speculate” and has made millions in royalties from BP and the Obama administration for its use. BP says it’s too early to speculate on how much the columnist will ultimately earn, but that a team of capuchin monkeys are working on an estimate.

(Thanks, Elizabeth!)

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Via Calvin's Mom, an explanation of just what "Mr. I'm Responsible" has been up to since the day the well blew. Pryoritteez -- he haz Dem.

Quick Stop

Blame my pay LibertyChick... and ask her when she's going to start her own blog, will ya?

Rules of the Road

Don't do this. Okay?

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Update: Og says, "Don't do this, either."

Whiplash

To Whom It May Concern:

When you run into two ladies of a certain age having a conversation at a convenience bar in the train station -- or any bar, for that matter -- it's in poor taste to try and hit on one, while thoroughly ignoring the other. Or, once you've been blown off by the former who stomped off in disgust, to focus your attention on the latter, who's been observing the whole train wreck with a great deal of amusement and knows exactly what's going on in that pointy little head of yours (both of them, actually).

You get no style points for observing that my friend, who's a good five years younger than me and in much better shape, must have had "wicked acne" back in high school, or that "she's a complete bitch." That was my friend, you cretin.

You get no style points for using a commuter convenience as a pick-up bar. That's just... tacky. I'm there to kill a few minutes before I go home... and that does not mean home with you.

Let's see -- you're at least 15 years younger than me, fit and in the process of a nasty divorce... or so you say. No points for you for archly observing out that I'm an older woman and that you like that. You might have pretty looks, but you are not a pretty person. Your behavior just says you have an itch that hasn't been scratched in a while, and I'm conveniently elected. How incredibly flattering.

You repeatedly offer to go home with me. You do not offer to take me home with you. You do offer, over and over again, to do a face-plant in my lady bits, as if I should be grateful for the opportunity.

Listen up, Doofus: I don't take anybody home. Ever. I'm not opening my door to you, nor my arms -- let alone my legs.

You were right about one thing, Buck-o -- I am a firecracker when I choose to be. My body may currently be the Land of Misfit Toys, what with the busted wheel and bit of weight gain that goes with quitting smoking, BUT in between my ears it's a WONDERLAND.

Pity you'll never even get a peek, pal.
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[For my regular readers -- we were grabbing a quick beer for the road on our way home from Therapy Night, for Pete's sake, not auditioning for Cougar Town. Sheesh. And you wonder why I hate dating?]
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Update: Maybe I'm getting old, but I find it really disturbing that someone would be suggesting banqueting on my girlie bits before he'd so much as shaken my hand, for cripe's sake.

Wait a minute. I'm beginning to sound suspiciously like someone else I know...