From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

From Elizabeth:

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a black woman from New Orleans. The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other people, but we haven't gone to Churches in years. We get our chicken from Popeye's."

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.

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Also from Elizabeth:

MILITARY WISDOM

"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
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"Aim towards the Enemy."
Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
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"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.”
- U.S. Marine Corps
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"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

- Infantry Journal
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"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
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"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General Macarthur
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"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
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"You, you, and you .. Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
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"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
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"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
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"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
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"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
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"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
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"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."

- Joe Gay
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"Any ship can be a minesweeper .. Once."
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"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
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"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
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"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
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"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
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"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
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"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
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"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- From an old carrier sailor
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"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
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"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
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"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
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"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
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"Never trade luck for skill."
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The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
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"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
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"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
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"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
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"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
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"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
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"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
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"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
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"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
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"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
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"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum"
- Jon McBride, astronaut
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"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
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"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
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"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime"
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
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"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
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Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees
and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
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"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
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As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

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From my friend Fenian:

It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research a team of scientists proudly presents its results:

REMOVING PARTNER'S CLOTHES:

With consent.................................12 Calories

Without consent........................2187 Calories

UNHOOKING HER BRA:

With both hands.................................8 Calories

With one hand...................................12 Calories

With your teeth................................485 Calories

PUTTING ON A CONDOM:

With an erection................................... 6 Calories

Without an erection........................ 3315 Calories

POSITIONS:

Missionary....................................... 12 Calories

69 lying down.................................... 78 Calories

69 standing up.................................8812 Calories

Wheelbarrow....................................216 Calories

Doggy Style......................................326 Calories

Italian chandelier............................2912 Calories

ORGASMS (hers):

Real..................................................112 Calories

Fake................................................1315 Calories

POST ORGASM:

Lying in bed hugging............................18 Calories

Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories

Explaining why you got up immediately.......816 Calories

GETTING A SECOND ERECTION: If you are:

10-19 years................................... 20 calories

20-29 years.................................... 36 Calories

30-39 years.................................... 80 Calories

40-49 years....................................124 Calories

50-59 years...................................1972 Calories

60-69 years...................................7916 Calories

70 and over.................Results are still pending

DRESSING AFTERWARDS:

Calmly.........................................................32 Calories

In a hurry......................................................98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door...........5218 Calories

With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

Results may vary.

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