Hate paying top dollar at the gas pump? Then thank Elizabeth (who really, really needs to get her own blog) for this nifty tool. It's going straight into my Favorites folder.
Anyone up for a jumpstart on St. Paddy's Day?
I'll be going to a fundraiser for
Where: The Brownstone Tavern, 3937 N. Lincoln, Chicago, IL
When: Monday, March 6, 2006 7-9pm
Please join us on March 6th at a NEW LOCATION, the Brownstone Tavern, as we jumpstart the St. Patrick's Day celebrations! A $10 donation at the door gets you complimentary pints of Ireland's finest brews: Harp & Guinness, live Irish music, the famous pub quiz, and helps Seanachai raise funds for their upcoming production of A WHISTLE IN THE DARK.
Need more info?
Seanachai events are always a lot of fun. See you there?
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
From Jeri in Cape Garagedoor, MO: MOSES AND THE LORD
"Excuse me, Sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, Sir."
"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember ?"
"Oh, yes; I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know, Sir. Remember?"
"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."
"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?"
"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they are important."
"What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that."
"What do you mean you 'lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, Sir; I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot. I did forward them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not.' May he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that."
"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yes. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?"
"They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."
"We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers!!"
"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover Thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."
Thursday, February 23, 2006 | Posted by Omnibabe at 2:40 PM