From Elizabeth, some of the all-time great literary put-downs:
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." Winston Churchill (about Clement Atlee)
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." Thomas Brackett Reed
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. " Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder
Also from Elizabeth... posted especially for Catfish and GuyK:
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out..........
"Holy sh*t..... my girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
The Sweetheart of Shell Knob, MO also sent one for Cat and Guy:
Latest scam, and according to Snopes.Com, this one is real. Be careful.
I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots of the Detroit area.
Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse.
While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the back-seat.
Then both are begging you for a ride home.
Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants.
This is when they steal your wallet.
I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
I couldn't find them on Saturday.