From Elizabeth (who really needs to get a blog of her own):
Classic Jewish insults and curses:
May you inherit a hotel and die in every room.
May your blood turn to whiskey so that a hundred bedbugs get drunk on it and dance the mazurka in your belly button.
May all your teeth fall out except one - and that should ache you.
May you fall into the outhouse just as a regiment of Ukrainians is finishing a prune stew and twelve barrels of beer.
May your teeth get angry and chew off your head.
May you have a lot of money, but may you be the only one in the family with it.
May you grow two more hands to scratch all your itches.
May you win the lottery and spend it all on doctors.
May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about making a living.
May you back into a pitchfork and grab a hot stove for support.
May God mistake you for your worst enemy and give you all the curses you wished on him.
May you grow like an onion, with your head in the ground.
Jewish Bumper Stickers
Jesus saves. Moses invests.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
Prozac is like chicken soup: It doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel better.
From Catfish, and posted especially for my BlogMama: STAY!!!!
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,"Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,"Why don't you just put it in park?"
From the Sweetheart of Shell Nob, MO: A Little Tap
A passenger in a taxi leaned to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the curb, and stopped inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent, and the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no I'm sorry. It's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
She also sent this, which I'm pretty sure is actually written about Old Crankypants:
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went to Qualicum Beach and went to a shop on 2nd Street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi Bastard.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't give a shit.
I came into town by bus.
(I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.)
Tuesday, February 21, 2006 | Posted by Omnibabe at 2:18 PM