Leslie's Omnibus

From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus


From Catfish:

The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department issued a statement today saying Vice President Cheney broke no law by shooting a lawyer instead of a quail over the weekend.

A TPWD spokesman noted that, in Texas, lawyers are not considered game creatures, and are thus not subject to seasonal limitations or bag limits. It was further noted that lawyer hunting was encouraged as the state is overrun with the pesky creatures.

Also (for Ellison):

An Chassidic man is standing by a hotel bar about an hour before Shabbat all dressed up in his special Shabbat clothes. A magnificent looking blonde airline hostess, with legs that go on forever, and breasts that are just waiting to envelop you, has just finished checking in, and is on her way to the elevator, when she sees the Chasid. She stops dead in her tracks and walks over to him.

"Hi" she says.

"Hullo" he answers.

''I have a confession to make to you," she says.

He nods.

"I have a sexual fantasy."

He nods.

"I've always wanted to be with a Hasidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis, play with his gartel, run my fingers through his beautiful beard, and play with his payess. In fact I want you now, and I have a room upstairs. Will you join me for half an hour?"

He looks at her thoughtfully and says, "AND WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME???"

From Elizabeth: Queen Size!

A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased.

He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size."

He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"

Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:

You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock Cal. 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?

Democrat's Answer:

Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.

Republican's Answer:


Southern Republican's Answer:

BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.

Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester silver tips or hollow points?

Son: Git-r-done Pop! Can I shoot the next one!

Wife: You ain't taking that to the taxidermist!

(So sue me -- I giggled.)

1 comment:

Harvey said...

Sam needs to realize that some chicks DIG furry men :-)