From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

The best blonde joke I've heard in a while can be found here.
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Meandering Michelle pointed me here:

You Know You're From Chicago When...

• You say "Wanna go with?" when you mean "Do you want to come with me?"
• You know what Kennedy, Dan Ryan, Eisenhower, Edens, and Bishop Ford, have in common and curse one of them daily.
• You know what "the Hillside strangler is."
• You can name three or four extra taxes nobody else pays.
• You know the difference between Richard J. Daley and Richard M. Daley.
• You can use two or three Daleyisms in context.
• You can imitate the Mayor's whine.
• You say Chicawgo and not Chicaago.
• You think going to a Bears game in single digit temperatures with a wind off the lake (and freezing rain) is fun.
• Da is a proper definite article.
• You expect corruption in local politics.
• You go to the Dells in the summer to get away from the other 20 thousand that followed you.
• You've been caught speeding in Wisconsin because you had Illinois plates.
• You guard your shoveled parking space with an old chair and unusable broom.
• You know why they call it "the Windy City."
• You know dead people who voted.
• You understand the Democratic machine and don't fight against it.
• You've never ever considered the idea of hiring non-union laborers.
• You've never been to Springfield.
• You know a good gyros joint.
• You know what Giordanos, Lou Malnati's, and Gino's have in common.
• You know when the last time the Cubs won a pennant.
• You know exactly how many cars are "legally" allowed to turn left after the light turns red.
• You don't know which ethnic "fest" to choose on any given Summer weekend.
• Your idea of relaxing and getting away from it all is Ravinia (with 10,000 others who have the same idea).
• You can recite many of "The Blues Brothers" lines and know where they filmed certain scenes.
• You consider paying someone to watch your car at a sporting event as just another "city tax."
• The "Living Room" is called the "front room".
• You don't pronounce the "s" at the end of Illinois. You become irate at people who do.
• You measure distance in minutes (especially "from the city"). And you swear everything is pretty much 15 minutes away.
• You refer to anything South of I-80 as "Southern Illinois".
• You refer to Lake Michigan as "The Lake".
• You refer to Chicago as "The City".
• "The Super Bowl" refers to one specific game in a series of 35 played in January of 1986.
• You have two favorite football teams: The Bears, and anyone who beats the Packers!
• You buy "The Trib".
• You think 35 degrees is great weather to wash your car!
• You know what goes on a Chicago Style Hot Dog.
• You know what Chicago Style Pizza REALLY is.
• You understand what "lake-effect" means.
• You know the difference between Amtrak and Metra, and know which station they end up at. You have ridden the "L".
• You can distinguish between the following area codes: 847,630,773,708, 312, & 815.
• You respond to the question "Where are you from" with a side" example:"WEST SIDE", "SOUTH SIDE" or "NORTHSIDE."
• You know what the phone number is to Empire Carpet!
• You wear gym shoes, not sneakers.
• Your favorite melody to hum is "Bang,Bang,Bang-Skeet,Skeet,Skeet!!!!"
• You faithfully attended Lil Louis parties at The Bismarck.
• You GOT to have spaghetti at your barbecue.
• You are STILL a Bulls fan........
• You think kicking it outside of White Castles parking lot, (79th and Stony Island) is the "Freak Nik".
• You go to Harold`s and order 4 pc wing, mild sauce, salt and pepper.
• You have a picture of Harold Washington in your kitchen, living room, family room or basement.
• You have ever waited in line at Home of the Hoagy on 111th for 30-45 minutes for a steak sammich wit cheese.
• You have ever been to the Tiki Room lounge in Hyde Park.
• You have made a special trip downtown because you had a craving for Garrett's caramel and cheese popcorn.
• You drink at bars called "Bud on Tap" or "Milwaukee's Best" -- no names, just beer signs out front.
• It's January and you see someone's kitchen chair in the street, and you know that if you're a responsible citizen and bring it back to the sidewalk you will be shot on sight.
• You live two miles from work and it takes you two hours to drive there.
• You don't flinch when you pay the fifth toll of your 45-minute car ride on the highway.
• When you read a big story in the paper about mob ties in the city government, your first reaction is "So, tell me something I don't know."
• You know Lincoln Towing is Satan incarnate. [It really IS.]
• You've paid $105 for towing, $30 for more than one "street cleaning" ticket, $58 for a city vehicle sticker, and $70 for a license plate sticker -- and chalk it all up to "neighborhood taxes."
• You pluralize grocery stores and retail chains: "I'm going to Jewels"; "I bought it at Targets"; "I couldn't find parking at Wal-Marts".
• You've taken the Red Line past the point where all white people get off and all black people get on -- or vice versa.
• You've cursed at a cyclist, pedestrian, or in-line skater on the lakefront path.
• You know the significance of State and Madison.
• You wonder if the fries will taste the same at Sammy Sosa's Restaurant.
• You don't miss Planet Hollywood.
• You're not ashamed of wearing a big fur Russian hat, or a headsock with one hole in it, in public from November through March.

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Accurate portrait of PMS. (Probably NSFW. But funny. Very funny.)
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From Nancy V.: Best "Out of Office" Auto Replies

1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.

2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.

3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on August 4. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.

4. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.

5. I've run away to join a different circus.

6. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.
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