I have met the entire cast of characters in this podcast. (It was all Buckaroo Bonsai's fault.) Listen to the whole thing, then go back and listen to the outtakes. Yep. It's just like sitting around their kitchen table -- pretty freakin' hilarious.
Dash has a funny for you here.
Graumagus tells tales on his son.
Michelle has a duck tale for you.
Denny has the worst Monday Pun EVER. And also this tasteful little number.
Overheard in the Office...
From Elizabeth: Why It's Great To Be A Guy!
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
We can open all our own jars.
Phone conversations last 30 seconds.
We know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes.
Old friends don't care if we've lost or gained weight.
When surfing channels, we don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
Our last name stays put.
We can leave a hotel room bed unmade.
We can kill our own food.
The garage is all ours.
We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
We never have to clean the toilet.
We can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
If someone forgets to invite us to something, they can still be our friend.
Our underwear costs $6.50 for a pack of 3.
None of our co-workers have the power to make us cry.
We don't have to shave below our neck.
If we're 34 and single, no one notices.
Chocolate is just another snack.
Where and when we pee doesn't effect our emotional well-being.
We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Flowers & duct tape - and we can fix everything.
We never have to worry about other's feelings.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
We can say anything and not worry about what people think.
We can whip our shirt off on a hot day.
Car mechanics tell us the truth.
We don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice our new haircut.
We can watch a game in silence for hours without our buddy thinking "He must be mad at me."
One mood, all the time. We can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve ourselves to look like him.
Same work. More pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress; $2000, Tux rental; 100 bucks.
We don't care if someone is talking behind our back.
We don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's.
If we retain water, it is in a canteen.
The remote is all ours.
We need not pretend we're "freshening up" to use the bathroom.
We can go to the bathroom alone.
If we don't call our buddy when we said we would, he won't tell our friends I've changed.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, we might become lifelong buddies.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
If something mechanical didn't work, we can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
Quotes, from Nancy V.:
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
>- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
>- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
>- Mark Twain
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
>- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
>- Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
>- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
>- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
>- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
>- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
>- Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
>- Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
>- Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
>- Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
>- Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
>- Mark Twain
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
>- Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
>- Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
>- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.
>- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
>- Phyllis Diller
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
>- Billy Crystal
Outside of a book, a dog is man's best friend. Inside a dog, it is too dark to read.
>- Groucho Marx
An ugly man walks into a pub wearing a big grin on his face.
"Why the big smile?" asks the bartender.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railroad tracks and on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, so like in the movies, I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the bartender. "You lucky man. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...never found the head."
From Donna, who's always got my back:
Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from Chicago, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida.
At the end of their White House tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."
So to the back fence they went.
First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Then the guard asks the Chicago contractor how much.
Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."
The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy" says the contractor from Chicago, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."
Another Freddy special:
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids...I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "what you been eatin', boy?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that law firm."
"Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator. "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there ain't nothin' left but two lips and a briefcase."
Barrie sent me this a long time ago:
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5 left.
If you had bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit( in certain states), you would have $214.
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program.
I call it my 401Keg program.
From Victor (gone, but not forgotten):
You Live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long itwill take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire StateBuilding.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: Salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean,etc.
You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
You live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.