Whiplash

To Whom It May Concern:

When you run into two ladies of a certain age having a conversation at a convenience bar in the train station -- or any bar, for that matter -- it's in poor taste to try and hit on one, while thoroughly ignoring the other. Or, once you've been blown off by the former who stomped off in disgust, to focus your attention on the latter, who's been observing the whole train wreck with a great deal of amusement and knows exactly what's going on in that pointy little head of yours (both of them, actually).

You get no style points for observing that my friend, who's a good five years younger than me and in much better shape, must have had "wicked acne" back in high school, or that "she's a complete bitch." That was my friend, you cretin.

You get no style points for using a commuter convenience as a pick-up bar. That's just... tacky. I'm there to kill a few minutes before I go home... and that does not mean home with you.

Let's see -- you're at least 15 years younger than me, fit and in the process of a nasty divorce... or so you say. No points for you for archly observing out that I'm an older woman and that you like that. You might have pretty looks, but you are not a pretty person. Your behavior just says you have an itch that hasn't been scratched in a while, and I'm conveniently elected. How incredibly flattering.

You repeatedly offer to go home with me. You do not offer to take me home with you. You do offer, over and over again, to do a face-plant in my lady bits, as if I should be grateful for the opportunity.

Listen up, Doofus: I don't take anybody home. Ever. I'm not opening my door to you, nor my arms -- let alone my legs.

You were right about one thing, Buck-o -- I am a firecracker when I choose to be. My body may currently be the Land of Misfit Toys, what with the busted wheel and bit of weight gain that goes with quitting smoking, BUT in between my ears it's a WONDERLAND.

Pity you'll never even get a peek, pal.
_____

[For my regular readers -- we were grabbing a quick beer for the road on our way home from Therapy Night, for Pete's sake, not auditioning for Cougar Town. Sheesh. And you wonder why I hate dating?]
_____

Update: Maybe I'm getting old, but I find it really disturbing that someone would be suggesting banqueting on my girlie bits before he'd so much as shaken my hand, for cripe's sake.

Wait a minute. I'm beginning to sound suspiciously like someone else I know...

Drive-Bys

Giggle of the Day:

_____

This article is not about a rest area for overworked prostitutes. But, by the title alone, it could be.
_____

And speaking of the sex trade, this little post illustrates exactly why I adore Ken Levine:

One starlet was asked “Who are you wearing” and she said Ron Jeremy. I had to hit "pause", run upstairs and take a 90 minute shower.

Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahaha!!! That's priceless.
_____

And then I ran across this post by an old friend, and experienced the kind of synchronicity that raises the hair on the back of my neck from time to time.

(Ron Jeremy twice in the same day? Now I need a 90 minute shower!)
_____

"The second way government assistance programs contribute to long-term unemployment is by providing an incentive, and the means, not to work. Each unemployed person has a 'reservation wage'—the minimum wage he or she insists on getting before accepting a job. Unemployment insurance and other social assistance programs increase [the] reservation wage, causing an unemployed person to remain unemployed longer."

Yep, that's the current Economic Advisor to POTUS.

Think that's not true?

Let's just take a peek across the pond for a look at where we're headed:

The Davey family's £815-a-week state handouts pay for a four-bedroom home, top-of-the-range mod cons and two vehicles including a Mercedes people carrier.

Father-of-seven Peter gave up work because he could make more living on benefits.

Yet he and his wife Claire are still not happy with their lot.

With an eighth child on the way, they are demanding a bigger house, courtesy of the taxpayer.

Lovely.

I am more than sympathetic for people who are genuinely working hard to find work.

I am, however, supremely disgusted at folks who are admittedly diddling around with their job hunt until their unemployment runs out completely, and I know a few people who are doing just that.
_____

Have you got a teenager who's pestering you relentlessly to buy his or her first car? This may be just the ticket!
_____

Throwing a Tread

The X-Ray says "no," but Dr. Hot Stuff thinks I may indeed have thrown a tread in my left foot. MRI to come.

Wheels of Steel? Gotta get me some...

World Tour

Out of another head-scratching combination of daily visitors, I bid welcome to a newcomer from Lao People's Democratic Republic. I couldn't find an online translator, but I did find this delightful young man to help you learn a little of the Lao geography and language.

(Don't you feel smarter already?)

Here's a little traditional dance and song from some tiny charmers:

Sunday Schedule

Giggle of the Day:

(A tip of the cap to the guys at The Awesomer. They truly are.)

_____

Apparently the manlier sex has its answer to vajazzling -- baldazzling. I don't know if I'd be willing to be seen in public with a human disco ball, personally:

(And, yes -- Phil is a total head case.)

_____

Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrgh! See what I'm missing!!!

(Yeah, yeah. I am glad to hear 'Pup is up and around.)

_____

Quote of the Day:

“Well, when I put it on the fridge, it just falls off!”

(Brainz. She need'zm.)

_____

This made me bust a gut. Especially the tilty gay head on this little item.

What can I say? I took my baby sister and a friend to see him for her 16th birthday. It was a BIG DEAL to her at the time. Every teeny bopper in the room screamed and reached out, trying to be the one girl he invited on stage to dance to this song:

(Hi, Sis!) Nope. I can guarantee she wouldn't do that today.

_____

Arya lives!

(Sorry. Giddy Fan Girl moment. She's a favorite character of mine.)

_____

My daughter really ought to be shaking in her boots.

I just sent this bit of naughtiness to a 12-year-old who accidentally set himself aflame earlier this year. (Fortunately, his mother has nerves of steel and a houseful of boys, and his father likes things that go "boom!" as well as things that go "vrrrrrrrrrroooooooooooooooom!")

Just imagine what I'll send my grandson when he's that age!

_____

Saveur's 1st Annual Food Blog Award winners. Lot's of good stuff there!

_____

The Great Debate

One song divides people as to who delivers the best version like no other:

I Will Always Love You - Dolly Parton

If I should stay
Well, I would only be in your way
And so I'll go, and yet I know
That I'll think of you each step of my way
And I will always love you.

I will always love you.

Bitter-sweet memories
That's all I have, and all Im taking with me
Good-bye, oh, please don't cry
Cause we both know that I'm not
What you need.
But I will always love you.
I will always love you.

And I hope life, will treat you kind
And I hope that you have all
That you ever dreamed of
Oh, I do wish you joy
And I wish you happiness
But above all this
I wish you love.
I love you, I will always love.

I, I will always, always love you.
I will always love you.

I will always love you.
I will always love you.

Eric Zorn swears by the Linda Ronstadt version. My girlfriend Carolyn goes totally psycho for the Whitney Houston version, belting it out and emoting like she is Whitney and Kevin Costner is tearing her apart. Purists swear by Dolly Parton's original recording.

I'll go you one further. The very best version of this song recorded is in the scene of The Best Little Whorehouse In Texas for which it was written:

Now that's how it should be sung.

On the Radio...

Yes, I was, actually.

Go here to listen in.

(Thanks, Nick and Andy!)

World Tour

Vanuatu??? Alo!

With a population of less that a quarter of a million people and half a world away from where I live, with only 1,023 internet hosts (as of 2009)... and someone from Vanuatu found my blog. This is what makes the intarwebs so endlessly fascinating to me.

We can thank the Bunlap people of Vanuatu for bungee jumping:

Boots 'n Bluebonnets 'n BlownStars

I may not be heading to Texas this weekend, but one of my Texas pals, Kerrcarto, has sent me an electronic Bluebonnet love letter.

It's folks like Miss Nancy, 'Pup, El Cap, Kerrcarto and the rest of my BlownStar pals that make me want to go back there, time and time again.

In Passing...

Geraldine Gay's jazz-steeped piano carried her from tiny South Side churches to the Apollo Theater in Harlem and propelled the Gay Sisters gospel trio to a string of hits, including "God Will Take Care of You.''

Ms. Gay, 79, died on Tuesday, April 6, at Countryside Care Centre in Aurora, of complications from several strokes she suffered in recent years, said her son Donald Hambric. She was a lifelong resident of Chicago's South Side.

The Gay Sisters' recording heyday in the late 1940s and early 1950s was relatively brief, but they continued to be a much-lauded gospel act for decades, performing in churches as well as prestigious commercial venues such as the Apollo Theater and the Houston Astrodome.

I'm sure she's rocking in the Heavenly Choir now.

On the Radio...

... in my head:



Saw them do this live. Scrumptious.

Drive-Bys

Why do I love Plumcake?

When I first took this gig, I knew I wanted it to be for Big Girls, but not just for the type of Big Girl who wore plus-size clothing.

Anyone who knows what it’s like to feel excluded for being “different” is a Big Girl.

Anyone whose mother ever crushingly raised an eyebrow and asked if you *needed* that slice of pie is a Big Girl.

Anyone who looked in the mirror one day with bad lighting and acne and said “Well, this is who I am so I better start loving it” is a Big Girl.

Anyone who just needs to take up more room because that much love, affection, personality and style simply *cannot* be contained is a Big Girl, and if that means you’re a man, woman, thin, fat, gay, straight, confused or just a really well-trained labradoodle with access to an iPhone, if you like this site you’re a Big Girl and I don’t give a chocolate-covered damn what your scale says about it. You are welcome here.

Can I get an "Amen"?
_____

Giggle of the Day:


_____

Ear Worm of the Day:



Blame it on Miles Meezer. (It really is catchy.)
_____

Mood Swing

On the other hand, I just got word I can start buying BLUE Onesies....

My brain hurts from the rapid mood swings, but my heart is full

Boots 'n Bluebonnets 'n BlownStars

Bugger.

'Pup is in the hospital, and Miss Nancy and I are going to have to reschedule our get-together. I don't know which of us is the most disappointed. (And, yes -- my bottom lip is stuck out so far you could land a big ol' birdie on it at the moment.)

I'll get there for the wild flowers next year for sure.

In the meantime, say a prayer for 'Pup's quick recovery, please!

Road Conditions

Last night the lightning was spectacular and we had hailstones so big it sounded like someone was throwing rocks at my windows for 30 minutes at a time. Today?

Severe Thunderstorm Watch in IL: Bureau , Cook , DeKalb , DuPage , Grundy , Henry , Jo Daviess , Kane , Kendall , Lake , Lee , McHenry , Ogle , Putnam , Rock Island , Stephenson , Whiteside , Will , Winnebago
Severe Thunderstorm Warning in IL: Lee , Ogle , Whiteside , Winnebago
Flood Warning in IL: Mercer
Flood Advisory in IL: Will
Flash Flood Watch in IL: Jo Daviess , Rock Island , Stephenson , Whiteside

> Local > Regional > More maps

Current Conditions Mostly Cloudy 50° Wind: North 0 mph Dewpoint: 45° Humidity: 83% Visibility: 10.0 miles Barometer: 29.72 in Today's Forecast Morning Chance of T-storms 54° Afternoon Chance of T-storms 74° Sunrise: 6:25 AM | Sunset: 7:21 PM

Rest of Today Partly cloudy with a 40 percent chance of showers and thunderstorms. Breezy. Unseasonably warm. Highs in the upper 70s. East winds around 10 mph early in the morning shifting to the southwest 15 to 25 mph with gusts up to 35 mph at times in the afternoon. Tonight Mostly cloudy. Chance of showers and thunderstorms in the evening...then showers and thunderstorms after midnight. Lows near 60. Then temperatures becoming steady or slowly rising. Southwest winds 10 to 20 mph. Gusts up to 30 mph in the evening. Chance of precipitation 80 percent.

The folks at WGN Radio say that we're in the middle of a severe thunder storm warning, with a chance of walnut-sized hail, until 8:00 a.m.

Drive carefully, okay?

(As for me, I might just be a little late for work today, as I don't relish the thought of walking to the train station in the middle of a hail storm.)

Rubber-Necking

Giggles, Giggles and More Giggles:

The Carrie Underwood defense?



Apparently the cab driver who hit me is at it again. Or another pedestrian was beamed down from the Starship Enterprise... just like I was.



Great Twitterature down through the ages.

Yup. This would result in Unicorn farts. Just not the first kind that come to mind...

All done.

_____

Update: I shouldn't find this as funny as I do... but then again, my maiden name is Morlock. (Really.)

Book Your Ticket

Want to win free books online? Go here for details. Free is good.

_____

Speaking of books, I hope The Lost Summer of Louisa May Alcott comes to Kindle soon. Kelly O'Connor McNees' book sounds really good!

World Tour

Sudan. Wow.

The first civil war ended in 1972 but broke out again in 1983. The second war and famine-related effects resulted in more than four million people displaced and, according to rebel estimates, more than two million deaths over a period of two decades.

If these statistics don't break your heart, you have no heart:

Median age:

total: 19.1 years
male: 18.9 years
female: 19.2 years (2009 est.)

More than 40% of the population is under the age of 15.

While I usually skim the CIA World Factbook, this entry I read start to finish. You should, too.

I don't kid myself -- a good many of the people who find my blog find it because they're looking for cat pictures or funny animal pictures. I hope that's why someone from Sudan came here. And I hope I made them laugh.

قد وجه الله تألق عليكم ، يا صديقي.

Easter Bleats on the Bunny Trail Beat

Forget the Peeps, the Cadbury Creme Eggs, the foil covered chocolate eggs, the jelly beans, the chocolate bunnies. This is what's blissing out my sweet tooth today:


The cranberries and strawberries are sweet and chewy and delectable. The cherries provide a punch of tangy tartness that wake your tastebuds right up. But the blueberries? Tiny bites of sweetly earthy heaven (and I'm usually kind of "meh" when it comes to blueberries)! These are going on my next order from Mariani:


I'm hooked, I tell you. (And no, they're not paying me for these rave reviews. I'm paying them for the pleasure of purchasing their wonderful products.)
_____

Quote of the Day:

Nothing says He has Risen like receiving a blow 'em away PS3 game in the Easter basket.

_____

Easter Exchange Rates:

According to current exchange rates, one Creme Egg = one small hollow chocolate bunny, three medium-sized solid chocolate eggs = two Creme Eggs, one handful of pink and yellow jellybeans = three chocolate-marshmallow eggs. One brightly colored hard-boiled egg has no value. Don’t even try to use it on the open market.

_____

In case you're not up for the usual Easter ham (or lamb), here's a little cholesterol bomb that just might appeal.

(I dunno about you, but my arteries just whimpered.)

_____

Three love stories for you:

• Aimee and Yuriy: "Aimee Peirog married Marine Cpl. Yuriy Zmysly on a frigid Wednesday morning on the last day of fall during the worst year of their lives."
• Mr. Deal: "At the 3 pm celebration of the Passion, I saw a familiar Kelly green blazer out of the corner of my eye, during the procession to venerate the crucifix. Slowly, in measured steps, he approached the cross that the two altar boys held for the congregation to touch as they filed past. He paused, knelt, and put both hands at the base of the cross and lowered his head for a long minute. When he raised his head, tears were flowing from his eyes."
• Edgebrook Lutheran Church: "Whatever happens, the people at Edgebrook Lutheran say they will stand by the man they have long tried to help. Two weeks ago, Interim Pastor John Holm visited Deichman in jail and offered a message of healing: God has forgiven you, Holm said, and so has the church."

_____

Now the Green Blade Riseth

Now the green blade riseth from the buried grain,
Wheat that in dark earth many days has lain;
Love lives again, that with the dead has been:
Love is come again, like wheat that springeth green.

In the grave they laid him, love whom men had slain,
Thinking that never he would wake again.
Laid in the earth like grain that sleeps unseen:
Love is come again, like wheat that springeth green,

Forth he came at Easter, like the risen grain,
He that for three days in the grave had lain.
Quick from the dead my risen Lord is seen:
Love is come again, like wheat that springeth green.

When our hearts are wintry, grieving, or in pain,
Thy touch can call us back to life again;
Fields of our hearts that dead and bare have been:
Love is come again, like wheat that springeth green.

Book Your Ticket

I'm a little over a third of the way through Lee Child's sixth Jack Reacher book, Without Fail, and, for those of you who read them as religiously as I do, I have two questions:

When did Reacher start wearing a watch???

And why?

He never did in past novels, because he never needed one. Or did I miss something?

This is bugging the absolute crap out of me. Argh!

_____

Update:

For those who were wondering how I can read so many books -- I can't say for sure... but it might just be the voices in my head.