Traveling Companions

I'm breaking Rule #7, okay?















Yep. One last ultra-cute cat bomb for Acidman.
_____

Don't forget to stop by The Friday Ark, for more feline goodness.

Still haven't had enough? Then swing on by to the Carnival of the Cats due out this Sunday evening after 6 p.m. at Watermark.
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Book Your Ticket

Chapter Four of the Psychevella will be up some time today or tomorrow.

Bob started us out with Bitter Herbs.

Christina followed up with Heads Up.

I put the psyche in the the 'vella with Shrink This.

Amelie takes on Chapter Four, followed by...

Caltechgirl's Chapter Five, and...

El Capitan winds us up with Chapter Six.

I can't wait to see what happens next!
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Update: The Old Neighborhood. Good stuff!
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Tootin' the Horn

Happiest of birthday wishes to Christina, who dares her friends and herself to always reach a little higher. You make every journey a grand adventure, my friend!
_____

In Passing

Loads of people have written tributes to Rob Smith. Just google his name, or "Acidman" or "Gutrumbles" and you'll see what I mean.

I had a couple of additional thoughts:

Rob was an absolute catalyst for friendship. Many, many people have become friends directly or indirectly through Rob and Gutrumbles. For example, ask anyone who's ever gone to a Jawja blogmeet, and they'll tell you that a good part of the reason (if not the main reason) they went in the first place was to meet Rob. What invariably happened as a result, though, was gaining a plethora of other new friends -- talented writers and singers, yarn-spinners, artists, jokesters and more. People have made and maintained friendships through his comments, as well. Then there are the old friends -- Catfish and Recondo, who were nearly as dear to Rob as his own family. In the main, the man had exceedingly good taste in friends. (I should know, I've met some phenomenal people through or because of Rob.)

Rob will always remain in the pantheon of the big dawgs in blogdom.

He inspired many, many people to start their own blogs. He inspired even more to comment on Gutrumbles. Whether he made 'em laugh, pissed 'em off, brought a tear to their eye or really made 'em think, he inspired hundreds of people to put fingers to keyboards and write.

A link in Gutrumbles -- called an "Acid Bath" or "Acid-lanche" could spike your hits off the charts for at least a week. Get on his blogroll, and it changed your traffic forever. From what I knew, Rob never put anyone on his blogroll he didn't read. He didn't have to agree with you. He just had to like and/or respect your writing. One of the happiest days of my blogging life was when the Omnibus made its first appearance on his blogroll. I will be forever grateful for the people he steered my way by that one small act. Because of that, I've made it my own personal policy to only link people to my blogroll if I like/respect their writing. If you've got a place there, you've earned it. I learned that from the best.

What else did I learn from Old Crankypants?

I learned to measure twice and cut once with my words. I learned that I'd better take a deep breath and think hard about what I was about to say before hitting the "post" button in someone else's comments. You can update, edit or delete posts from your own blog, but you can't take them back when you've posted to somebody else's comments.

I learned -- the hard way -- to not only stay out of it, but to become Switzerland when I don't have a dog in that fight. The same terriers who are snapping at each other today may be wagging their tails and enthusiastically sniffing each others' behinds tomorrow. In fact, that's a likely outcome. You may end up on the wrong side of both of them if you wade in where you're not needed or wanted.

I learned that a real man and a real lady apologize sincerely when they're wrong -- in person, if the wrong was committed in person and in writing, if the wrong was committed in writing. And that you can ask forgiveness, but can't expect forget-ness.

I learned that it's really a bad idea to post about your place of employment, even when you're saying good things, unless the employer knows about it and approves in advance.

I learned that I value being respected over being liked. And that some people like you more if you demand their respect right from the get-go.

I learned how not to ignore the elephant in the middle of the room.

I learned that it's uncool to try to control the directions of someone's blog and other peoples' thinking by hijacking comments. I learned how to say, "You don't like it? Good. Now get your own damned blog."

I learned that some conversations are better taken offline. Email, snail mail and the telephone are sometimes far better conduits to conversation and understanding than hanging your dirty laundry out in public for all to comment on. Who needs the heavy-duty spin cycle when you're hand washing delicates? Not I.

I learned "Why don't you go live your own life?" meant he was thinking about what I had to say, even though he didn't want to admit it; "Fuck you," meant exactly that. Yep. I heard both from him.

I learned that it was fun to document an entire vacation by taking pictures of my pedicure against exotic backgrounds, just to make someone else grin.

I learned that life is better when you grab it by the balls and live it, because you never know when it's going to grab you back. And sooner or later it always does.

I've learned to value humor wherever I can find it, especially when I'm pointing it directly at myself.

I learned, and am still learning, how to find my own unique voice.

Today, my heart is in Savannah with Rob's family and friends, many of whom are now my friends.

Thanks, Rob, for everything you taught me. The lessons were invaluable.
_____

P.S. -- I also learned that the Bubba of Bombast could be rendered speechless. I'll never forget his run-in with flouncy Brian. The rest of y'all can cry today. I'm going to savor that memory, and all the laughter that followed, instead.
_____

P.P.S. -- It probably wasn't Rob who said this, but it sure could have been. (Sorry. It made me think of him and, again, it made me laugh.
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Bus Fumes

Oh, fer cripes' sake! This is a light-hearted fundraiser for a very good cause. If it gets people who wouldn't normally open his or her wallet to pony up, good for them. Some people have no sense of humor whatsoever. What a pity.

(Thanks, Elizabeth!)
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Speaking of people with no sense of humor... well, displaying a complete lack of sense at all -- Alderman Ed Burke of Chicago wants to control my choice of diet once again. Durrrrrrrrrrrrr!!! This is the same control-freaking maroon who had foie gras outlawed in the Windy City.

Every child in the state of Illinois gets an education in nutrition. Educate, Ed, not legislate, m'kay?

A pox on his head.
_____

P.S. -- Nice to know our Alderman have the City under such great control that cooking oil is their most pressing concern, isn't it?
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The End of the Line

For all my tweaking, I really respected Rob Smith -- writer, singer, picker of all instruments stringed, charmer, pain-in-the-ass, larger-than-life as he was.

Robbie, the blogosphere will be a far more boring world without you. I, for one, am damned glad I got to meet you, argue with you, see you get your shit back in one sock, and sing with you.

I trust you're in the arms of the angels, my friend:

Spend all your time waiting for that second chance
For the break that will make it OK
There's always some reason to feel not good enough
And it's hard at the end of the day
I need some distraction or a beautiful release
Memories seep from my veins
Let me be empty and weightless and maybe
I'll find some peace tonight

In the arms of the Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
You're in the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here

So tired of the straight line, and everywhere you turn
There's vultures and thieves at your back
The storm keeps on twisting, you keep on building the lies
That you make up for all that you lack
It don't make no difference, escaping one last time
It's easier to believe
In this sweet madness, oh this glorious sadness
That brings me to my knees

In the arms of the Angel far away from here
From this dark, cold hotel room, and the endlessness that you fear
You are pulled from the wreckage of your silent reverie
In the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here

You're in the arms of the Angel; may you find some comfort here

Sarah McLachlan
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Drive-Bys

Okay, forget the Shakespearean Insult Generator. For sheer "whack 'em off at the knees" verbal swordsmanship, Velociman reigns supreme:

"There are mandrills beating out better syntax at the Yerkes Primate Research Center on cobwebbed Commodore 64's, you damnable demiglot. They leave more intelligent comments here, too."

He'd even make the Bard blush.
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Omnibus Driver will go to jail for ... Stealing condoms from the grocery store 'What sexual activity will you go to jail for?' at QuizUniverse.com

Water balloons. They make dandy water balloons. Yep. That's my story and I'm sticking to it.

(A tip of the cap to Livey.)
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Bwaaaaaaaaaaaahahahahahaha!!!!!

Leo Since you are such an attention craver, you are into wearing the sexiest clothes and going straight for the sexiest person in the room. You like secure people who are genuine and have a good fashion sense. In bed, you like to get all of the attention, so you need a partner who can worship you for the hottie that you are. You like to dance and strip for your partner and you enjoy buying the sexiest lingere for yourself. Sex matches: Aries, Sagittarius, Libra Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

Those of you that've met me know why this left me ROTFLMAO.

This, on the other hand...

Omnibus Driver -- [noun]: A perma-orgasm 'How will you be defined in the sexual dictionary?' at QuizUniverse.com

Well...

(A tip of the cap to Lisa W.!)
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Book Your Ticket

Late, but -- fear not -- done at last, Chapter Three of the Psychevella.

Bob started us out with Bitter Herbs.

Christina followed up with Heads Up.

See below for Chapter Three.

Next Friday? Amelie takes on Chapter Four, followed by...

Caltechgirl's Chapter Five, and...

El Capitan winds us up with Chapter Six.

Happy reading!

Shrink This

"I tell you, Doctor, that I am in over my head with one of my patients. I know that a diagnosis of dissociative identity disorder is controversial, but this particular patient is a high functioning dissociative. I am certain of it. And, unlike most patients who present multiple personalities, each personality he has displayed is acutely aware of the others. In fact, they cooperate so that he can function on the job and earn enough of a living to subsidize each of their peculiar habits and needs."

Monica Schoedel twisted a tissue between her hands as she spoke. She sighed, glanced up at the ceiling, and tried to collect her thoughts. Damn. I know analysis is an ongoing part of the profession, but I hate this process -- the therapist undergoing therapy.

"What is making my work with this patient increasingly more difficult is that each one of these ‘personalities’ is presenting transference issues, as well. No, not in an emotional attachment – to the contrary, it presents as outright hostility."

Monica shifted her hips and tried to settle more comfortably on the leather couch. If I am uncomfortable with myself and with this process, how the hell am I going to get comfortable on this couch? She blew out a sharp breath and covered her eyes with her forearm.

"Yes, I am aware this process is about me and not about my patient, but my inability to reach this patient on any sort of therapeutic level has me doubting my own abilities – even my choice of profession."

There. I’ve said it.

"George and his Catholic fascination with sin, blood, death and rebirth. Lenny, with his fascination with persecution, atonement and death. And lately, there is Sudin, with his own fascination with the goddess Kali and death as a transformative process. Each of these manifestations is morbidly transfixed with the idea of death – and angry, very angry with me for not ‘understanding’ his suffering. Each of them dreams of and experiences death each night. Each of them feels he has been chosen to suffer for the sins of all his ‘people’. Each of them revels in that suffering, and in being the ‘only one’ that understands.

"How do you help a patient who spreads his pain and woes on display like treasure and refuses to discuss the root causes or pathways to resolution?"

Monica heard a doorknob turn, the slightly muffled squeak of hinges, and then footsteps behind her.

Time to get to work.

"Good afternoon, Dr. Schoedel."

"Hello, Dr. Feldstein. I’m sorry. I must have dozed off while I was waiting."

"That’s understandable, as the couch is very comfortable. Shall we begin?"

* * * * *

After her session with Dr. Feldstein, Monica returned to her office, drew the shades, switched on a brass desk lamp and took out her notes on George/Lenny/Sudin. As she flipped through several legal pads-worth of notes, she retrieved a new pad from her desk drawer and began to write:

What I find fascinating is that two of the three personas were fully manifested when George/Lenny first came to me for treatment. Sudin is a newer persona, still emerging in our sessions. DID, however, typically presents during the psychotherapy process, not before treatment begins.

Has George undergone psychiatric therapy in the past? If so, perhaps a consult with his previous therapist is in order.

Monica pushed the legal pad away and leaned back in her chair, tapping the end of her pen lightly against the top of her desk as she thought.

Yes. It would be very helpful to understand what triggered the dissociation in the first place.

She stowed her notes back in their usual locked file cabinet, and turned back to her desk, when she noticed the blinking message light on her telephone. She had time before her next patient, so she dialed up her voicemail.

"Dr. Schoedel? This is Detective Mitch Cahill of NYPD. I need to speak with you urgently about one of your patients – George McCuddahey. My cell phone number is 212-555-8954. Please return my call as soon as you get this message."

Monica dropped the phone back in its cradle, and raised a trembling hand to cover her mouth. This could not be good news. She picked up the phone again and rescheduled her next appointment, then dialed Detective Cahill’s number.

"Cahill."

"Detective Cahill, this is Dr. Monica Schoedel. You called regarding my patient George McCuddahey?"

"Yes, Doctor. We have reason to believe Mr. McCuddahey, or whatever he is calling himself today, is in serious danger. I found your number from a copy of an invoice left by his telephone. He is your patient, is he not?"

Monica cleared her throat and said, "Yes, I can confirm that he is a patient. Any more than that is covered by doctor/patient confidentiality."

"Doctor, I understand that your ethics don’t permit you to disclose what he is being treated for… but we have found signs of a struggle in his home, his mother insists that he would never voluntarily disappear, evidence that he is seeing a psychiatrist – you – and…"

"And, Detective?"

"And I also have evidence that McCuddahey has been working under an alias – Lenny Markowitz. Given all that, I was hoping you might be able to give me an idea of what kind of trouble McCuddahey might be in, or where we might be able to find him."

An alias, she thought. That’s certainly one way to look at it.

"Detective, I’d like to help you, but ethically my hands are tied. What I can do, Detective, is review my notes, make some calls and see if I can locate Mr. McCuddahey, and ask him to contact you himself. Would that be helpful?"
She could hear the detective’s frustration in the rising tone of his voice.

"Yes, Doctor. That would be very helpful. Thanks. Thanks a lot." And he rang off.

Monica dropped her head in her hands, thinking that she’d failed her patient after all. George/Lenny/Sudin. Where were they? What happened to them?

_____

Bus Fumes

Agh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! This would be the day they decided to replace my old computer.

Posting Psychevella Chapter Three will be delayed until tomorrow.

Grrrrrrrrrrr................
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Rubber-Necking

Quote of the Day: "Police say reports of the flasher — who uses underwear to mask his face — have been sporadic through the years."

Hokay, Lucy. 'Splain me how you wouldn't see that guy coming from a mile away!!!
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Rubber-Necking

It's a wonder the younger generation has any respect for my generation at all. (Shudder!)

It's going to take DAYS to get that image out of my head.

(A big "Gee, Thanks!" to J-Walk.)
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Quote of the Day:

Then there are businesses such as the Ohio Cornhole Company, which sells a Premium Corn Toss Package, which includes two premium white cornhole platforms; eight corn bags; an American Cornhole Association hat; and an ACA scoreboard/beverage holder.

Now I ask you... wouldn't that hat cause some serious rubber-necking?

(And I've played this game at Big Herm's on a lovely summer evening or two.)
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Drive-Bys

Your Bumper Sticker Should Be

Give me ambiguity - or give me something else

What Bumper Sticker Should Be On Your Car?

Sigh. At least the color will blend right in with my bumper.

(A tip of the cap to Richmond and Caltechgirl.)
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Yep. Right on the money:

ACCORDING TO YOUR ANSWERS,

The political description that fits you best is...

.

CENTRIST

CENTRISTS espouse a "middle ground" regarding government control of the economy and personal behavior. Depending on the issue, they sometimes favor government intervention and sometimes support individual freedom of choice. Centrists pride themselves on keeping an open mind, tend to oppose "political extremes," and emphasize what they describe as "practical" solutions to problems.

The RED DOT on the Chart shows where you fit on the political map.

Your PERSONAL issues Score is 50%.
Your ECONOMIC issues Score is 80%.
(Please note: Scores falling on the Centrist border are counted as Centrist.)

......................................................................

7,533,416

.

THAT'S HOW MANY TIMES THE QUIZ HAS BEEN TAKEN SO FAR.

(Results are renewed after each submission.)

......................................................................

How People Have Scored

---

Centrist 32.91 %

---

Right (Conservative) 8.43 %

---

Libertarian 33.02 %

---

Left (Liberal) 17.72 %

---

Statist (Big Government) 7.92 %

---

......................................................................

Other Political Philosophies

Right (Conservative)

Conservatives tend to favor economic freedom, but frequently support laws to restrict personal behavior that violates "traditional values." They oppose excessive government control of business, while endorsing government action to defend morality and the traditional family structure. Conservatives usually support a strong military, oppose bureaucracy and high taxes, favor a free-market economy, and endorse strong law enforcement.

Left (Liberal)

Liberals usually embrace freedom of choice in personal matters, but tend to support significant government control of the economy. They generally support a government-funded "safety net" to help the disadvantaged, and advocate strict regulation of business. Liberals tend to favor environmental regulations, defend civil liberties and free expression, support government action

to promote equality, and tolerate diverse lifestyles.

Libertarian

Libertarians support maximum liberty in both personal and economic matters. They advocate a much smaller government; one that is limited to protecting individuals from coercion and violence. Libertarians tend to embrace individual responsibility, oppose government bureaucracy and taxes, promote private charity, tolerate diverse lifestyles, support the free market, and defend civil liberties.

Statist (Big Government)
Statists want government to have a great deal of power over the economy and individual behavior. They frequently doubt whether economic liberty and individual freedom are practical options in today's world. Statists tend to distrust the free market, support high taxes and centralized planning of the economy, oppose diverse lifestyles, and question the importance of civil liberties.

Take the Quiz Here

(A tip of the cap to Catfish.)

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Giggle for the day -- Windypundit just added me to his blogroll. His description of this here Omnibus? "I have no idea what this blog is about."

Neither do I, Dude. Neither do I.

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Drive-Bys

Quote of the day: "There's not much Madonna can do to shock us any more, short of setting herself on fire or declaring herself a Republican."

Beautiful!
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At last, an Agony Auntie who doesn't pull her punches:

DEAR TRAPPED: Poor you: No time between moving in together, aligning your finances, making love, going out, having dinners together, no time to speak up and say, "Hey, this is moving too fast and too far." You gave her one warning, then plunged in for the whole deal, which you now blame on her.

Do her a favor and let her find someone with a voice and the backbone to use it. Tell her that you misled her, which is what you've done. Then divide your finances and move out. She'll be the lucky one, even if she doesn't realize it at first.

You go, girl.
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Chartered Excursions -- Chicago

Thanks to a tip from the lovely LL, we've chosen the Wyndham Garden Hotel in Schaumburg, IL as the "official" Midwest Blogmeet hotel for the weekend of July 14, 15 and 16, 2006.

• It's spitting distance from Woodfield Mall, Illinois' largest shopping mall;
• It's a stone's throw from lots of great eateries and drinkeries;
• It's easy access to the major arteries into Chicago and out to the hinterlands;
  

Because of the short notice, there are no rooms blocked, but there is a dandy web rate of $63/night (non-refundable). Folks, there's never going to be a better rate than this in the vicinity of Chicago, at least in a respectable venue.

Need more enticement to attend? Mullet Boy, that maven of all things blog-met, is blowing into town for the event!

For now the schedule appears to be:

Friday -- Check in and get settled in. Find somewhere in the hotel to share cocktails and conversation. (In fact, see the list of Saturday choices, if you're coming in early in the day.)

Saturday -- Many choices:

• Og and the NRA-minded will be heading out to the sticks for target destruction. (If you're interested, please email him ASAP to reserve your spot.)
  
• Shopping at Woodfield is certainly a convenient option.
  
• Zonker and I have talked about a trip into the city -- Millennium Park, a lakeshore or river cruise, the Field Museum of Natural History (King Tut), Museum of Science & Industry (da Vinci), Art Institute of Chicago, Shedd Aquarium (komodo dragons), Adler Planetarium, Lincoln Park Zoo, shopping on North Michigan Avenue (the Magnificent Mile) or State Street, North Pier, Navy Pier, Trolley or Double Decker Bus tours and, well, it's Chicago -- you name it, we can arrange it!*
• For the truly ambitious, there is always the option of examining the insides of one's eyelids alongside the indoor pool at the Wyndham.
  

Saturday Evening -- Group dinner. Og's favorite German joint, we think. Later, back to Schaumburg for more cocktails and conversation.

Sunday -- Completely unscheduled. (Again, see Saturday choices if you're not checking out early.) Choose your own companions for breakfast/brunch. Many hugs good-bye, and promises to do it again soon. I guarantee!

If you're planning on attending some or all of the blogmeet, please drop a note in the comments.

Are you a lurker or commenter without a blog of your own, but frequent reader of bloggers who'll be attending? You're invited, as well. (Warning! We'll have you setting up your own blog so fast it'll make your head spin.) No, really. We're opinionated. We're loud. We're fun. What's not to love?

Sign up already, will you?
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*For those first-timer visitors without vertigo, there are also the observatories on top of the Sears Tower and the John Hancock buildings.
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P.S. -- Spread the word!
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Drive-Bys

This is about right...

You Are 76% Lady

Overall, you are a refined lady with excellent manners. But you also know when to relax and not get too serious about etiquette

Are You A Lady?

_____

This, too...

You Are 32% Sociopath

From time to time, you may be a bit troubled and a bit too charming for your own good. It's likely that you're not a sociopath... just quite smart and a bit out of the mainstream!

Are You A Sociopath?

(A tip of the cap to the lovely Poppy Cedes.)
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Roadside Diversions

Carnival of the Cats #117 brought to you by Our Lady of the Plants is up at the inimitable Mind of Mog.
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Carnival of the Recipes #96 (Father's Day Edition) can be found at World Famous Recipes.
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Bus Fumes

Ear worm of the day: "Unbreak My Heart," thanks to that new Citibank identity theft commercial. Make it stop!!!
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Traveling Companions

TMBCITW attempts to ride The Divine Miss Marilyn off into the sunset...














... and the silly cat humors her.



Now that's what I call Traveling Companions!








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Tootin' the Horn

Drop by Chez Montana and wish Dax and the lovely Priscilla heartiest congratulations on the arrival of Baby Dax. (He's going to be a handsome bugger -- just like his daddy!)
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Book Your Ticket

What? You haven't been reading the Psychevella?

Start here with Bob's Bitter Herbs...

Chapter Two, Heads Up, is up at Feisty Christina's place.

Yours truly will be yanking her hair out all next week working on Chapter Three.

Amelie, God bless her, will be picking up where I leave off for Chapter Four.

CalTechGirl ramps up for the climax with Chapter Five.

My buddy El Capitan stitches it all together in Chapter Six.

See you next Friday!
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Drive-Bys

Sigh...

Your Passion is Purple!

You've got a ton of passion, but you don't always wear it on your sleeve. If something truly excites you, you let your inner intensity shine through. But otherwise, your passion tends to morph into energy ... which you never lack. You're a balanced woman, knowing when to turn on the fire in your heart.

What Color is Your Passion?

***

What Guys Think of Your Medium Curly Hair...

Artistic, friendly, and witty -- the type of girl he'll stay up until 3am talking to ... on the first date.

What Do Guys Think Of Your Hair?

***

Your Famous Movie Kiss is from Gone With The Wind

"Great balls of fire. Don't bother me anymore, and don't call me sugar."

What Famous Movie Kiss Are You?

(A tip of the cap to Christine for all three!)
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Oh, great! Another online quiz:

the Wit

(61% dark, 23% spontaneous, 31% vulgar)

Your humor style:
CLEAN | COMPLEX | DARK

You like things edgy, subtle, and smart. I guess that means you're probably an intellectual, but don't take that to mean pretentious. You realize 'dumb' can be witty--after all isn't that the Simpsons' philosophy?--but rudeness for its own sake, 'gross-out' humor and most other things found in a fraternity leave you totally flat.

I guess you just have a more cerebral approach than most. You have the perfect mindset for a joke writer or staff writer.

Your sense of humor takes the most thought to appreciate, but it's also the best, in my opinion.

You probably loved the Office. If you don't know what I'm
talking about, check it out here.

PEOPLE LIKE YOU: Jon Stewart - Woody Allen - Ricky Gervais




The 3-Variable Funny Test!

- it rules -

If you're interested, try my best friend's best test:
The Genghis Khan Genetic Fitness Masterpiece

My test tracked 3 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

	You scored higher than 99% on darkness
	You scored higher than 99% on spontaneity
	You scored higher than 99% on vulgarity

Link: The 3 Variable Funny Test written by jason_bateman on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

(A tip of the cap to LL!)
_____

From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

Fair warning -- I'm happily flinging political correctness out the window today.
_____

Mr. Right sent an email notifying me that he'd done a parody of "American Pie" over at The Right Place. Parody done well is an awesome accomplishment!
_____

Speaking of parodies, Fenian, King of the Clothing Optional Joke List, sent me this:

The 2006 version of I WILL SURVIVE

(SING IT, GIRLS!!!)

Ready... set... go...

At first I was afraid, I was petrified.
When you said you had 10 inches, Lord I almost died!
But I'd spent so many years just waiting for a man that long,
That I grew strong,
And I knew that I could take you on...
But there you are, another lie,
I was ready for a Big Mac and you've brought me a French Fry!
I should have known that it was bull, just a sad pathetic dream,
Should have known there was no Anaconda lurking in those jeans!

Go on now - go, walk out the door,
Don't you promise me 10 inches, then turn up with only 4!
Weren't you a brat to think I wouldn't find you out!?
Don't you know we're only joking when we say that size don't count??!!

[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
with a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! .Hey! Hey!

It took all my self control not to laugh out loud,
When I saw your little wiener standing tall and proud!
But to hell with your ego
and to hell with all your needs,
Now I'm saving all my lovin' for a cordless multispeed!

[Chorus]
I will survive! I will survive!
Cuz as long as I have batteries,
My sex life's gonna thrive!
I will always have good sex,
With a handful of latex!
I will survive! I will survive! Hey! HEY!
_____

The Windypundit gives a peek beyond the Cheddar Curtain. [Sure it's stereotyping... but accurate!]
_____

F*ck the Symphony. (I laughed myself silly. You will, too!)
_____

From Elizabeth:

Boudreaux died in a fire at his house and his body was badly burned. The coroner needed someone to positively identify the body, so they sent for Boudreaux's two best friends, Thibodeaux and Fontenot. The three men had always done everything together.

Thibodaux arrived first and when the mortician pulled back the sheet Thibodeaux said, "Yah, his face is burned up pretty bad, yeah. Mais, you better roll him over so I can be sure it's Boudreaux."

The mortician rolled him over, and "Thib" said, "Nope, dat ain't Boudreaux."
The mortician called the coroner to give him the news. "Well, see what Fontenot says and call me back", replied the coroner.

Fontenot looked at the body and said, "Yah, he's pretty well burnt up, yeah. Turn him over." The mortician rolled him over and Fontenot said, "No, dat ain't mah podnuh Boudreaux".

The mortician asked, "How can you tell?"

Fontenot said, "Well, dat's easy. Boudreaux had two assholes".

"What? He had two assholes?" asked the mortician in amazement.

"Yah, I ain't never seen 'em, but everybody knew he had two assholes. Lots of times when we went walkin' around town, I heard folks say, "Here comes Boudreaux wit' dem two assholes".

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She also sent this:

It was written by an 8-year-old named Danny Dutton, who lives in Chula Vista, CA He wrote it for his third grade homework assignment, to "explain God". I wonder if any of us could have done as well?

EXPLANATION OF GOD:

One of God's main jobs is making people. He makes them to replace the ones that die, so there will be enough people to take care of things on earth.

He doesn't make grownups, just babies. I think because they are smaller and easier to make. That way he doesn't have to take up his valuable time teaching them to talk and walk. He can just leave that to mothers and fathers."

God's second most important job is listening to prayers. An awful lot of this goes on, since some people, like preachers and things, pray at times beside bedtime. God doesn't have time to listen to the radio or TV because of this. Because he hears everything, there must be a terrible lot of noise in his ears, unless he has thought of a way to turn it off.

God sees everything and hears everything and is everywhere which keeps Him pretty busy. So you shouldn't go wasting his time by going over your mom and dad's head asking for something they said you couldn't have.

Atheists are people who don't believe in God. I don't think there are any in Chula Vista. At least there aren't any who come to our church.

Jesus is God's Son. He used to do all the hard work, like walking on water and performing miracles and trying to teach the people who didn't want to learn about God. They finally go tired of him preaching to them and they crucified him. But he was good and kind, like his father, and he told his father that they didn't know what they were doing and to forgive them and God said O.K.

His dad (God) appreciated everything that he had done and all his hard work on earth so he told him he didn't have to go out on the road anymore. He could stay in heaven. So he did. And now he helps his dad out by listening to prayers and seeing things which are important for God to take care of and which ones he can take care of himself without having to bother God. Like a secretary, only more important.

You can pray anytime you want and they are sure to help you because they got it worked out so one of them is on duty all the time.

You should always go to church on Sunday because it makes God happy, and if there's anybody you want to make happy, it's God!

Don't skip church to do something you think will be more fun like going to the beach. This is wrong. And besides the sun doesn't come out at the beach until noon anyway.

If you don't believe in God, besides being an atheist, you will be very lonely, because your parents can't go everywhere with you, like to camp, but God can. It is good to know He's around you when you're scared, in the dark or when you can't swim and you get thrown into real deep water by big kids.

But...you shouldn't just always think of what God can do for you. I figure God put me here and he can take me back anytime he pleases. And that's why I believe in God.

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The Mom Update

Gosh, I haven't done one of these in forever. Forgive me, please.

The Princess Mom is back, and in just two weeks has already caused many new gray hairs to appear on the heads of myself and my siblings. In fact, she probably caused at least 10 new ones just this morning.

Let me preface this by telling you that I didn't stay out in marriage-and-baby-land last night. I had made plans to celebrate a good friend's birthday at The Friendly Confines, and decided that it would be too much trouble to head back to Outer Mongolia via Metra and bus or cab at that late hour... so I treated myself to a room downtown. I didn't want to be hauling the sleep-like-a-baby machine around with me, so I knew I'd probably do some heavy-duty dreaming.

And dream, I did. Another one of those dreams that starts almost before I've completely drifted off to sleep, and lasts all night long.

About what? All sorts of strange circumstances that found me loaning my trusty Kia Sportage to The Princess Mom. Three times. And three times she got into successively worse fender-benders with the darned thing -- never hurting herself badly, but with the vehicle finally tipped backwards on its spare tire, with the airbags deployed. That's when I woke up this morning, thinking that I really had to stop trusting her with my vehicle. Or much of anything else.

(Nice way to start the day, huh?)

No sooner had I walked into my little corner of the office and started sipping a cup of coffee, the phone rang -- The Princess Mom on line 1. Since she knew I'd be home early tonight, there was no good reason for the call, except...

... to let me know that she'd taken a backwards swan dive off the stairs last night, resulting in a trip to the ED culminating in stitches to the scalp and an orthopedic boot on her right foot.

This is the third instance of the rapidly growing incompatibility between hardwood floors, heavy gravity and The Princess Mom in less than six months. And the most spectacular.

I was spooked on a lot of levels, including the fact that somewhere floating around in my subconscious was the knowledge that sometimes you just can't trust her to make a sensible choice.

Like slipper socks with treads, as opposed to fuzzy socks with no tread.

Like letting me, my brother or my sister-in-law carry an overlarge stack of laundry upstairs, rather than doing it herself wearing slippers like this.

Normally, I am the calm, sensible, easy-to-deal with one of her children.

Not today.

I informed her in no uncertain terms that she (and we) had not gone through all the hell of chemotherapy and radiation treatments and beaten back lung cancer only to have her break her neck on the stairs in a totally preventable accident.

I got loud. I got agitated. I got bossy. (Okay, I'm frequently bossy... but not on purpose, and never with her.)

She swears she won't do it again. She swears that she'll wear the slipper socks with treads I just bought for her.

She's banged up, achy and contrite.

For now.

Who knows what excitement she'll dream up for us next? (It's The Princess Mom we're talking about here. There'll ALWAYS be a next.)

Velociman thinks he knows Bedlam? Just wait until I introduce him to The Princess Mom...

Has anybody got an aspirin?
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Update: Maybe I need to get The Princess Mom her very own Urban Translator. That just might work.
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Chartered Excursions -- Chicago

It's official -- there will be a Chicago blogmeet the weekend of July 14, 15 and 16. Now the questions are...

How many out-of-towners will be attending? Locals?

How many folks, local or otherwise, will need a hotel room?

Do you want to be in or near Chicago itself so that if you're not one those who want to go out to the sticks and play with toys that go "bang," we can shop Michigan Ave. or State Street, find a museum or go on an architectural tour boat ride?

Would you rather stay somewhere where the rooms are cheaper and we can't escape from one another. (Hey! We are the entertainment!)

I need quick answers so I can block hotel rooms for those that need 'em!
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Hmmm...

I wonder if we could entice V-Man to attend if I bribed him with one of these:


















(I was the one who supplied the cowbell, you know!)
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Rubber-Necking

Understatement of the day: "The experience can be a little alarming."

Ya THINK???
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Great. Now it's not just current and future employers gathering your online personal data.

Be careful what and how you blog, kids.
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"It occurred to me that, sure, I could keep the details of my recent prostate troubles to myself, but I’ve spent enough time on other blogs reading about constipation, menstruation, and clogged milk ducts that I feel like you owe me."

(I told you so.)
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Yep. This is pure, unadulterated Catfish. (I laughed myself silly, too!)
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Tootin' the Horn

Just got off the phone with -- Tah Dah!!!!!!!!!!!!! -- my new landlord. My. New. Landlord. Whahoo! Let the dance of happiness ensue!
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Roadside Diversions

Evil Troll! is assisting Gigolo Kitty with the Carnival of the Cats. You can find them both here and here.

(The Divine Miss Marilyn would like you to note that she must be in GK's favor, as she received top billing in the Carnival, right after the PSA. She sends a heaping spoonful of sugar to GK and the Evil Troll!, too!)
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My BlogMama is hosting Blawg Review #61. Go read the whole thing.
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This week's Carnival of the Recipes... and last week's, too. Waaaaaaaaaaay too much yumminess to miss.
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Drive-Bys

This cuts close to the bone:




Catarina was Henry's first wife and was probably the only one of his six wives to truly love him. He tired of her, and she spent the last decade of her life in lonely exile. Yet when she was dying, alone and unloved, she wrote: "Lastly, I make this vow, that mine eyes desire thee above all things. Farewell."

Which of Henry VIII's wives are you?


this quiz was made by Lori Fury

Hmmm............

(A tip of the cap to Lady Norbert.)
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Headline of the day: "Ex-Gang Enforcer Becomes 'Urban Translator'".

Spare. Me.

This is the biggest bunch of horse hockey I've seen in a long, long time.

"Urban translator." (Bangs head repeatedly against monitor.) Huh.

P.S. -- Counsel gets an A+ for a creative defense... but, as my BlogMama will confirm, you just can't force your client to act in their own best interest.
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Rubber-Necking

That'll cause some whiplash, for sure!

To ride
Want to bike Chicago in the buff? The World Naked Bike Ride is set for Saturday in Wicker Park. Check-in begins at 6 p.m. at the fountain in Wicker Park, 1455 N. Damen Ave. The ride is set to start at 9 p.m. For more info, visit www.worldnakedbikeride.org/chicago.
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Book Your Ticket

The first chapter in the new "Psychevella" is up at Christina's old joint. Bob certainly starts things off with a bang.
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Egad! What was I thinking??? (Ah, well... I always did like a challenge.)
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Here's the schedule for the rest of the summer's blog novella challenges. Good reading all summer long!
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Traveling Companions

TMBCITW and The Divine Miss Marilyn get to be better buddies every day.
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Don't forget the Friday Ark at the Modulator, weekend cat blogging at eatstuff, and the Carnival of the Cats Sunday evening hosted this week by *gasp* the infamous Gigolo Kitty!
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Roadside Scenery

A beautiful day to you, too!

Bus Fumes

Quote of the day:

His men are still going to Iraq. Only, now they'll be deployed with an officer who has neither trained them, nor trained with them, nor knows their strengths and weaknesses.

There is no 'bravery' in exposing what would have been his command to additional unnecessary dangers.

Every combat leader worth his salt that I've known, or served under, thought of the men as his lads. They were his responsibility, and By God no one else was good enough to lead them.

Just so.
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Roadside Scenery

Hope your day is filled with beauty, too!

Drive-Bys

Somebody find Miss Doxie a publisher, will you? She's truly hilarious.

(A tip of the cap to Caltechgirl. Thanks for the giggles!)
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Rubber-Necking

Old Crankypants lists a couple of jobs he'd never apply for. Off the top of my head, I can think of at least one that he'd be first in line for!

(The imagination boggles, doesn't it?)
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I just had to swipe this photo from Style.com's 2006 CDFA Awards page for a little caption contest:


















Have at it, kids!
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Surveillance Report

Giggy Bond should fear not (and tell Unfortulate Mistress) that The Divine Miss Marilyn has not been neglecting her plushy-bottomed swain. No! She is a Mistress of Disguise, and just working out which disguise will best serve to bring her close enough to save the day. No Missy Kitty rescue is necessary.

See for yourself:







































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Drive-Bys

Take the common sense intelligence test here. My score?

You got a score of 10 out of 11.
Your rating: Wow! Come to work for us!

Now here's the twist: your answers not only can tell your current intelligence, but the combination can also forecast your upcoming love life:

Your Projected Love Life: Your love life is mediocre.

(Yep. That's about right...)
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Who knew Kim du Toit had a love child? (Sorry! This just made me giggle.)
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Have you visited this week's Carnival of the Cats yet?
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I'll never view the Oscar Mayer Wienermobile the same way again...
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Drive-Bys

I've had another ear worm all afternoon, and it's one song I'm determined never to sing again:

Here I go down that wrong road again
Goin' back where I've already been
Even though I know where it will end
Here I go down that wrong road again

Crystal Gale. Make it stop. Please.
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Traveling Companions

I don't second guess my decisions, but that doesn't mean I don't ever have regrets. My biggest one at the moment? That Tiger Boots and I aren't traveling down the same road any more.

You are missed, you silly little kitty.
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Don't forget:

The Friday Ark

The Carnival of the Cats, Sunday evening, hosted by TacJammer

Weekend cat blogging at eatstuff.
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Book Your Ticket

The final chapter of the Blog Novella is up at Christina's place, and it's loaded with twists.

Fine, fine writing, gang!
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Chartered Excursions -- Chicago

My buddy Og is working on setting up a Chicago area blogmeet for this summer. Interested? Then go here and let him know which date is best for you.
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Looks like it's about to hatch an alien, doesn't it?






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