The Campaign Tour

Two completely different perspectives, both, ummm, interesting:
 
First, Wind Rider has a suggestion for a mascot for the Democratic National Convention.
 
Second, my friend Deborah sends this little ditty on why it's tough to be a Republican:

It is very tough to be a Republican in 2004, because somehow you have to believe concurrently that:

1. Jesus loves you, but shares your deep hatred of homosexuals and Hillary Clinton.

2. The United States should get out of the United Nations, but our highest national priority is enforcing UN resolutions against Iraq.

3. Standing Tall for America means firing your workers and moving their jobs to India.

4. A woman cannot be trusted with decisions about her own body, but multinational corporations can make decisions affecting all humankind without regulation.

5. Being a drug addict is a moral failing and a crime, unless you're a conservative radio host. Then it's an illness and you need our prayers for your recovery.

6. The best way to improve military morale is to praise the troops in speeches, while slashing veterans' benefits and combat pay.

7. Group sex and drug use are degenerate sins, unless you someday run for Governor of California as a Republican.

8. If condoms are kept out of schools, adolescents won't have sex.

9. A good way to fight terrorism is to belittle our long-time allies, but then demand their cooperation and money.

10. HMOs and insurance companies make huge profits and have the interest of the public at heart.
 
11. Providing health care to all Iraqis is sound policy. Providing health care to all Americans is socialism.

12. Global warming and tobacco's link to cancer are junk science, but creationism should be taught in schools.

13. It is okay that the Bush family's Carlisle Group has done millions of dollars of business with the Bin Laden family.

14. Saddam was a good guy when Reagan armed him and Rumsfeld reassured him he was our buddy, a bad buy when Bush's daddy made war on him, a good guy when Cheney did business with him, but then a bad buy again when Bush junior needed a prop for his re-election campaign as the War President.

15. A president lying about an extramarital affair is an impeachable offense. A president lying about WMD existence to enlist support for an unprovoked, undeclared war and occupation, in which thousands of soldiers and civilians die, is, somehow, solid defense policy in a War against Terrorism.

16. Government should limit itself to the powers named in the Constitution, which should include banning gay marriages and censoring the Internet.

17. The public has a right to know about Hillary's cattle trades, but George Bush's Harken Oil stock trade should be sealed in his Daddy's library, and is none of our business.

18. What Bill Clinton or John Kerry did in the 1960s was of vital national interest but what Bush did in the 80's is irrelevant.

19. Trade with Cuba is wrong because the country is communist, but trade with China and Vietnam is vital to a spirit of international harmony.

20. Affirmative Action is wrong, but it is OK for your Daddy and his friends (here and in Saudi Arabia) to get you to graduate from Yale without studying much, to bail out your companies (Harken Oil and the Texas Rangers), and to get the Governorship of Texas.

21. You are a conservative, but it is OK to spend like there is no tomorrow and run up deficits that your grandchildren will have to pay, while at the same time refunding as much tax money as possible to rich people who do not need it.

Contemplating these illogical paradoxes can take a toll on a healthy mind. So if a friend of yours has been acting a bit dazed and confused lately, be nice: he or she may be a Republican.
_____
 
Not to be outdone, my buddy Donna sends:
 
The 2004 Democratic National Convention -- Official Program 
  
  6:00pm - Opening flag burning ceremony.
  6:05pm - Pledge of Allegiance to the United Nations
  6:10pm - Secular words by Revs. Jesse Jackson and Al Sharpton
  6:30pm - Anti-war concert by Barbra Streisand
  6:45pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
  7:00pm - Tribute theme to France
  7:10pm - Collect offerings for al-Zawahri defense fund
  7:30pm - Tribute theme to Germany
  7:45pm - Anti-war rally moderated by Michael Moore
  8:25pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
  8:30pm - Terrorist appeasement workshop
  9:00pm - Gay marriage ceremony for male and female couples
  9:30pm - CBS, NBC, ABC, CNN urge defeat of President Bush
10:00pm - Posting the Iraqi Colors by Sean Penn and Tim Robbins
10:10pm - Reenactment of Kerry's fake medal toss
10:20pm - Cameo by Dean 'Yeeearrrrrrrg!'
10:30pm - Abortion demonstration by N.A.R.A.L.
10:40pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
10:50pm - Special thanks to the New York Times & Washington Post
11:00pm - Multiple gay marriage ceremony for threesomes and groups
11:15pm - Maximizing Welfare workshop
11:30pm - Saddam Legal Defense Fund pep rally
11:50pm - Ted Kennedy proposes a toast
12:00pm - Nomination of Democratic candidate
NEW: 5:00am -Ted Kennedy will conduct a swimming class 

[In the interest of being fair and balanced, Donna promises to send the Republican schedule when she gets it.]