Leslie's Omnibus

Traveling Companions

In a rare moment of peace and harmony among felines, Tiger Boots and the Divine Miss Marilyn share a sunbeam.



Do you have a kid brother? If you do, then you know they can be a pain in the ha-ha. Even when they're an adopted Blog Brother.

Mine never calls.

He never writes.

He never posts anymore.

But he made my day when he stuck a pin in this.

Thanks, Dude!

Bus Fumes

It seems that flaming asshat Fred Phelps is at it again. If you live in or near Yucca Valley, California, please go support the family and friends of SPC Timothy Watkins. I wish I could.

(A tip of the cap to Mr. Right.)

Mamacita is rapidly becoming one of my favorite bloggers. See if you can figure out why.


I love these online quiz thingies. Especially when they're, um, accurate:

I am a d20

You are the large, round, friendly d20! (You probably didn't know this, but the shape of the twenty-sided die is called an Icosahedron.) You are the friendly, outgoing, outspoken, leader of friends. You are often looked up to, even though you don't normally deserve it. Most other types secretly wish they were you, and you'd give them tips on how, if only you had a clue yourself. Your charisma is often all you need, but you have your occasional moments of brilliance as well--just never when it's actually needed. You are the all-around good guy, a dependable chum, a respectable foe, and an inspiration to those who need one. Who says you can't get by on a smile and good looks alone?

Take the quiz at dicepool.com

(A tip of the cap to Graumagus.)


Buckaroo Bonsai and I like to watch competitions of all sorts -- Iron Chef, BBQ cook-offs, sports and the like. This is the conversation we had this morning:

BB: "I guess we missed one unique competition last night."

Me: "What? When?"

BB: "I'd guess round about 3:00 a.m."

Me: "What are you talking about?"

BB: "The litter-flinging competition."

Me: "Oh?"

BB: "Yeah. Tiger Boots won for volume and the Divine Miss Marilyn won for distance."




This is the way life is supposed to be. Pass it on.


My adopted Sistah tries to stage an intervention... and unwittingly sets me up for the best pun ever. (You've got to scroll down to the comments to see it.)


Nancy V. sends this lovely story and poem:

When an old lady died in the geriatric ward of a small hospital nearDundee, Scotland, it was believed that she had nothing left of any value. Later, when the nurses were going through her meager possessions, they found this poem. Its quality and content so impressed the staff that copies were made and distributed to every nurse in the hospital. One nurse took her copy to Ireland. The old lady's sole bequest to posterity has since appeared in the Christmas edition of the News Magazine of the North Ireland Association for Mental Health. A slide presentation has also been made based on her simple, but eloquent, poem. And this little old Scottish lady, with nothing left togive to the world, is now the author of this "anonymous" poem winging across the Internet:

Crabby Old Woman

What do you see, nurses?
What do you see?
What are you thinking
When you're looking at me?

A crabby old woman,
Not very wise,
Uncertain of habit,
With faraway eyes?

Who dribbles her food
And makes no reply
When you say in a loud voice,
"I do wish you'd try!"

Who seems not to notice
The things that you do,
And forever is losing
A stocking or shoe?

Who, resisting or not,
Lets you do as you will,
With bathing and feeding,
The long day to fill?

Is that what you're thinking?
Is that what you see?
Then open your eyes, nurse,
You're not looking at me.

I'll tell you who I am
As I sit here so still,
As I do at your bidding,
As I eat at your will.

I'm a small child of ten
With a father and mother,
Brothers and sisters,
Who love one another.

A young girl of sixteen
With wings on her feet
Dreaming that soon now
A lover she'll meet.

A bride soon at twenty,
My heart gives a leap,
Remembering the vows
That I promised to keep

At twenty-five now,
I have young of my own,
Who need me to guide
And a secure happy home.

A woman of thirty,
My young now grown fast,
Bound to each other
With ties that should last.

At forty, my young sons
Have grown and are gone,
But my man's beside me
To see I don't mourn.

At fifty once more,
Babies play round my knee,
Again we know children,
My loved one and me.

Dark days are upon me,
My husband is dead,
I look at the future,
I shudder with dread.

For my young are all rearing
Young of their own,
And I think of the years
And the love that I've known.

I'm now an old woman
And nature is cruel;
'Tis jest to make old age
Look like a fool.

The body, it crumbles,
Grace and vigor depart,
There is now a stone
Where I once had a heart.

But inside this old carcass
A young girl still dwells,
And now and again,
My battered heart swells.

I remember the joys,
I remember the pain,
And I'm loving and living
Life over again.

I think of the years All
too few, gone too fast,
And accept the stark fact
That nothing can last.

So open your eyes, people,
Open and see,
Not a crabby old woman;
Look closer . . . see ME!!

Highway Rest Stops

Spoons has decided to rearrange his priorities, and The Spoons Experience is going into hibernation mode. Chris is a great writer, and sooner or later something will bring him back to blogging. (I just know it.) In the meantime, stay in touch, big guy! I, for one, will miss you a lot.

Bus Fumes

I received the following release from Take Back The Memorial today:

Alliance of Major 9/11 Family Groups Calls on LMDC to Fulfill Gov. Pataki’s Mandate

New York, N.Y.—October 26, 2005—The alliance of 15 major 9/11 family groups calls upon the Lower Manhattan Development Corporation and its chairman, John Whitehead, to move forward with Governor George E. Pataki’s historic mandate that the World Trade Center Memorial and memorial quadrant be solely devoted to honoring the victims and heroes of September 11, 2001 and telling the story of that day and of those who came to our aid, as well as the story of the first attack on the Trade Center in 1993.

It has been one month since the governor took the decisive step of removing the International Freedom Center from the memorial site and called for the memorial quadrant to focus solely on the story of 9/11, yet the LMDC has refused to affirmatively declare that it will abide by the governor’s decision and to announce that the so-called Snohetta building will be reserved only for 9/11 exhibits and programming. Instead, LMDC president Stephan Pryor has revived the misapplied term, “public process,” to describe its closed-door plans, including whether the Snohetta building will be reconfigured in its currently planned location, whether it will be moved to another part of the quadrant, or even built at all.

9/11 families, first responders, survivors, residents, and tens of thousands of Americans have clearly demonstrated their wish-through countless public meetings, rallies, petitions, letters, emails and phone calls-that the LMDC preserve the important history of September 11, undiluted and without distraction, for future generations. The World Trade Center Memorial Foundation’s recently commissioned poll clearly illustrates that the nation remains personally touched by the events of that day, believes the memorial must be built and plans to visit it in record numbers.

We urge the LMDC to give the American people what they want, deserve and are contributing to by their tax dollars and private donations: a memorial which honors the lost, tells the true and inspiring history of that day and conveys a message of hope which survives the survivors. We believe that story would fill several Snohetta buildings. Further, we urge the LMDC to turn over all curatorial decisions pertaining to the memorial quadrant to the institution responsible for building, operating and paying for the memorial: the World Trade Center Memorial Foundation.

Mayor Michael Bloomberg has recently come forward and declared the previous LMDC decision-making process moot, telling the New York Post that “there is no reason for us to feel obligated to build what we talked about before” if things have changed. While we remain committed to the unmitigated success of the rebuilding effort and the robust economic revival of Lower Manhattan, we believe the mayor has hit on something.

Though the number of commercial tenants, regrettably, remains in question, one thing is certain: pilgrims to the memorial will be coming in droves, upwards of ten million visitors per year according to conservative estimates, leveling out to more than five million per year by 2015. It is counterintuitive to plan for tens of millions of square feet of commercial space in anticipation of hoped-for tenants while sending tens of millions of certain-to-arrive visitors into an underground space that can neither accommodate them or the thousands of artifacts and exhibits that will have to be warehoused, farmed out or circulated to 9/11 memorials all over the globe.

Just as disturbing is the LMDC’s insistence that thousands of visitors per hour can be shuttled underground through one entrance and one exit, all without regard to New York City building and fire codes. We do not understand why the Port Authority, which owns the land at Ground Zero and which holds exemptions and immunities from the city’s legal jurisdiction over such codes, would assert them on these 16 sacred acres, given the fact that the World Trade Center site will continue to be a fertile target for those who would like nothing more than to return to the scene of this mass destruction and inflict more carnage.

We remain eager to join with the World Trade Center Memorial Foundation to engage the public in raising funds for this historic and life-affirming memorial, but we find ourselves stymied by these unanswered questions. Ultimately, the public has a right to know what they are paying for. The World Trade Center Memorial Foundation is not yet in a position to tell them.

In keeping with these and other outstanding questions and in light of our continuing obligation on behalf of the public trust to safeguard this historic memorial, we announce today our renewed effort to monitor the progress at Ground Zero through the website, www.takebackthememorial.org.


Roadside Diversions

Mog is back and hosting the Carnival of the Cats.

If thirteen dancing chicks isn't diverting, I don't know what is.

(A tip of the cap to J-Walk.)


Nancy V. sent me this little test from Dr. Phil. (Dr. Phil scored 55; he did this test on Oprah - she got a 38. Your Omnibus Driver scored a 45.)

The following is pretty accurate and it only takes 2 minutes. Don't peek but begin the test as you scroll down and answer. Answers are for who you are now...... not who you were in the past.

Have pen or pencil and paper ready.

This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees. It's only 10 simple questions, so..... grab a pencil and paper, keeping track of your letter answers to each question.

Ready?? Begin.

1. When do you feel your best?
a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon and early evening
c) late at night

2. You usually walk...

a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly 3.

When talking to people you...

a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair

4. When relaxing, you sit with...

a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you

5. When something really amuses you, you react with...

a) big appreciated laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile

6. When you go to a party or social gathering you...

a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed

7. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted...

a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes

8. Which of the following colors do you like most?

a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray

9. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep you are...

a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers

10. You often dream that you are...

a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant


1. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6
2 . (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1
3. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6
4. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1
5. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2
6. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2
7. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4
8. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1
9. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1
10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1

Now add up the total number of points.

OVER 60 POINTS: Others see you as someone they should "handle with care." You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.

51 TO 60 POINTS: Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions, though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.

41 TO 50 POINTS: Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who'll always cheer them up and help them out.

31 TO 40 POINTS: Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and who expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over if that trust is ever broken.

21 TO 30 POINTS: Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.

UNDER 21 POINTS: People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything! They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.

The voicemail message the Princess Mom always wanted to leave for my dad (who traveled on business a lot), but couldn't because voicemail didn't exist back in those days.


Yep. That's really what it says.

Quote of the day is here. (And, yes. I laughed. A lot.)

This choked me up. I bet it will do the same to you.


I dunno. If Elvis, deer and motorcycles are your passion, there could be worse ways to go... or to be remembered.

Then again, I'm now an honorary Jawja Blodger. Maybe those folks are affecting my judgment.

Bus Fumes

Here's another example of why I'm convinced that our society is heading straight to hell in a handbasket. (Er, handbag?) What is WITH people these days?

(A tip of the cap to Grendel's Dragon.)

Think I'm overly pessimistic? Compare and contrast the story above with this one. Okay. Tell me again our value system isn't seriously out of whack.

And, speaking of values, I guess I'd better state one of mine here: I oppose the Meiers nomination. I haven't said much, because I was waiting to read more about the pros and cons before making up my mind. It's now clear to me that the woman doesn't have the grounding in Constitutional law necessary to do the job. I don't want a Supreme Court Justice that makes up new law when she/he doesn't like what the Constitution says -- that's what I vote for Representatives and Senators and Presidents for. It is also clear that she has not demonstrated the analytical ability necessary to do the job.

Traveling Companions - Part II

Laurence Simon asks the cats what they think of the Syrians being responsible for the death of Rafik Hariri.

The Divine Miss Marilyn says: "Only the lowest form of vermin would do such a thing. I catch vermin and eat them."

Tiger Boots says: "Syrians? Where? Where? I will pounce on them and massacre them like I would my mousie toy. Bad, bad Syrians!"


Traveling Companions - Part I

While the thought of the birthing process is painful, these sure are cute babies:

Now you know what a "dibbon" looks like!

Bus Fumes

We need a law for THIS??? We already have laws barring frivolous lawsuits. Let's enforce those, instead of creating frivolous laws against frivolous lawsuits.


What's V-Man's monkey doing in Pammy's boudoir? Doesn't that bother Ziggy at all?

I'm thinking we need to send a platinum-plated invitation to The Manolo for the next Blodgtoberfest in Helen. Based on this post alone, I'm thinking he'd fit in just fine with the rest of us blown-eyed blodgers.

I've been tagged by Nancy V. (who really, really needs a blog of her own): Bold any of the following that are true.

Have you ever...

  • smoked a cigarette
  • crashed a friend's car
  • stolen a car
  • been in love
  • been dumped
  • shoplifted (A roll of Necco Wafers when I was 4 or 5)
  • been fired
  • been in a fist fight
  • snuck out of your parent's house
  • had feelings for someone who didn't have them back
  • been arrested
  • gone on a blind date
  • lied to a friend
  • skipped school (Once, to stop a troubled friend from doing something even more completely stupid than skipping school)
  • seen someone die
  • had a crush on one of your internet friends
  • been to Canada
  • been to Mexico
  • been on a plane
  • purposely set a part of yourself on fire
  • eaten sushi
  • been jet-skiing
  • met someone in person from the internet (in fact, a bunch of them)
  • been moshing at a concert
  • taken pain killers
  • loved and missed someone or love and miss someone right now
  • made a snow angel
  • had a tea party
  • flown a kite
  • built a sand castle
  • gone puddle jumping (in my brother's brand new hi-top Chuck's)
  • played dress up
  • jumped in a pile of leaves
  • gone sledding
  • cheated while playing a game
  • been lonely
  • fallen asleep at work or school
  • used a fake id
  • watched a sun set
  • felt an earthquake
  • touched a snake
  • slept beneath the stars
  • been tickled
  • been robbed
  • been misunderstood
  • petted a reindeer/goat
  • won a contest (unless you count a football pool or a Kentucky Derby pool)
  • run a red light/stop sign
  • been suspended from school
  • been in a car accident
  • had braces
  • eaten a whole pint of ice cream in one night (An entire bag of salt & vinegar potato chips is another story, however)
  • had deja vu
  • danced in the moonlight
  • liked the way you looked at least at one point in time
  • witnessed a crime (A shooting in my old neighborhood. Yikes!)
  • questioned your heart
  • been obsessed with post-it notes
  • squished barefoot through the mud
  • been lost
  • been on the opposite side of the country (I've been on both coasts)
  • swam in the ocean
  • felt like dying
  • cried yourself to sleep
  • played cops and robbers
  • recently colored with crayons
  • sung karaoke (I was a finalist in a big karaoke contest on a cruise ship, in fact)
  • paid for a meal with only coins
  • done something you told yourself you wouldn't
  • made prank phone calls
  • laughed until some kinda beverage came out of your nose
  • caught a snow flake on your tongue
  • danced in the rain
  • written a letter to Santa Claus
  • been kissed under the mistletoe by your boy/girlfriend
  • watched the sun rise with someone you care about
  • blown bubbles
  • made a bonfire on the beach
  • crashed a party
  • gone rollerskating
  • had a wish come true
  • worn pearls
  • jumped off a bridge
  • ate dog/cat food
  • told a complete stranger that you loved them
  • kissed a mirror
  • sang in the shower
  • had a dream you married someone
  • glued your hand to something
  • got your tongue stuck to something
  • kissed a fish or a frog
  • sat on a roof top (drinking Boone's Farm Strawberry Hill. Eek! I didn't think they still made that swill)
  • screamed at the top of your lungs
  • did a one handed cartwheel
  • talked on the phone for more the 6 hours
  • stayed up all night
  • not taken a shower for a week
  • picked and eaten an apple right off the tree
  • climbed a tree
  • had a tree house
  • admitted you are scared to watch scary movies alone
  • believed in ghosts
  • had more than 30 pairs of shoes at the same time
  • worn a really ugly outfit to school just to see what others would say
  • gone streaking
  • gone dingdong ditching (Heck if I know)
  • pushed into a pool/hottub with all your clothes on
  • been told you're hot by a complete stranger
  • broken a bone
  • been easily amused
  • caught a fish
  • caught a butterfly
  • laughed so hard you cried
  • cried so hard you laughed
  • laughed so hard you pee your pants
  • cheated on a test
  • had or do you currently have a Britney Spears CD
  • forgotten someone's name (I'm great with faces. I suck at names)
  • french braided someone's hair (I bought a book to learn how to teach my friend Carra's daughter Alexa how to do it)
  • been kissed by someone you didn't like
  • gone skinny dipping in a pool /lake
  • been threatened to be kicked out of your house
  • been kicked out of your house
Well, have you?

Bus Fumes

I'm about two-thirds of the way through this book, and it's put me in a mood -- and not a good one. So much so, in fact, that one of my girlfriends took that book out of my hands and replaced it with this one. It's bad when your friends may you back awaaaaaaaaay from the book...

Is it me, or is this the only female child star in Hollywood these days? Blech.



Seems somebody had to cheat to get his driver's license renewed:

Damn! That little monkey sure does get around...

(A tip of the cap to Kellie.)

El Capitan was tagged with an interesting meme, so I thought I'd pick up on it:

Go to Google and put your your first name and the word needs within quotes and record the first 10 results. Like so: Leslie "needs"

And we get:

1. Leslie needs to poke Thomas but will not have a chance before the business meeting. [Thomas? Who in the hell is Thomas?]

2. Leslie needs a time of 2:20 to qualify for the Olympic trials. [And she can make it, too, in the speed-shopping competition.]

3. Leslie needs to complete thirty credit hours.

4. Leslie needs a family with a strong support network that has access to varied therapeutic and community supports. [Truer words were probably never spoken.]

5. Leslie needs to find a place in Paula's life where she does in fact have commitment. [Actually, Leslie has found that here.]

6. Leslie needs to get away from Steve. [SWMBO said so.]

7. Leslie needs to be dealt with. [Yeah, yeah. That's what Zonker and V-Man keep saying.]

8. Leslie needs rides for her medical visits and to pick up glasses, etc.

9. Leslie speaker 101 needs amp work. [Huh? In English, please.]

10. Leslie needs to write down a question for Jeff and she needs to make it really embarrassing and include the phrase "vinyl record albums". [The only blogging Jeff I know is this guy, and if I was asking him really embarrassing questions about vinyl, it wouldn't be about record albums.]

I tag Moogie, Yabu, Pammy, Shoe and Og. That should get some interesting results.

Given that Commonwealth Edison is predicting that our electric bills will go up 30% to 70% in the next year, this might very well be true.

From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

From those wacky gals and guys at Overheard in New York, this classic.

And from Nancy V.:

A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobies are there?The father, surprised, answers,

"Well, son, there's three kinds of breasts. In her twenties, a women's breasts are like melons, round and firm. In her thirties to forties, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After fifty, they are like onions."


"Yes, you see them and they make you cry"

This infuriated his wife and daughter so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of 'willies' are there?"

The mother, surprised, smiles and answers, "Well dear, a man goes through three phases. In his twenties, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his thirties and forties, it is a birch, flexible but reliable. After his fifties, it is like a Christmas tree."

"A Christmas tree?"

"Yes, dead from the root up and the balls are for decoration only."


Finally a relatively accurate quiz result:

King Edward I
You scored 68 Wisdom, 81 Tactics, 56 Guts, and 48 Ruthlessness!
Or rather, King Edward the Longshanks if you've seen Braveheart. You, like Edward, are incredibly smart and shrewd, but you win at any costs.... William Wallace died at his hands after a fierce Scottish rebellion against his reign. Despite his reputation though, Longshanks had the best interests of his people at heart. But God help you if you got on his bad side.

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 51% on Unorthodox

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 44% on Tactics

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 63% on Guts

free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 25% on Ruthlessness
Link: The Which Historic General Are You Test written by dasnyds on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test

(A tipe of the cap to the Laughing Wolf.)

Traveling Companions

What's the difference between a Diva and an Ingenue?

The Divine Miss Marilyn says: "Ugh! Papparazzi! Bodyguards!?! Where are my bodyguards? No photos! No comment!"

Tiger Boots says, "Cheesecake photos? I'd loooooooove to do cheesecake photos. Can I be Miss October?"

I report. You decide.

Bus Fumes

I'll make you a bet that the moron who has a problem with the Chronicles of Narnia film would probably also best friends with the idiot mommies who took their kiddies to see "The 40 Year-Old Virgin." I'm really getting tired of "politically correct" bullshit like this. Really tired.

Speaking of PC asshattery, one letter -- one letter -- to the editor of a local newspaper and "The Devil Went Down to Georgia" is struck from a high school marching band's roster.

If we were sincerely worried about things we say, do, film, write or sing would be offensive, not a single soul would ever get out of bed in the morning. That song has been around since 1979, and all of a sudden it's offensive?

Puh-leeze, all you PC police-type people. Find something better to do with your time, would you? Like, get a life?

Roadside Diversions

Looking for something to do on a Sunday afternoon?

First, stop byand visit Blonde Sagacity for the Carnival of the Recipes, Pork Edition. (It's inspiring me to hit the grocery store this afternoon.)

Then, wander over to the Conservative Cat for the Carnival of the Vicious, Invading Paleface Bastards #2 -- interesting views from the Prairie State.

And don't forget, the Carnival of the Cats will be up at Where the Dolphins Play later this evening.

A Shout Out to the Prayer Warriors

I'm dumbfounded. A friend who has been destrying himself with booze and pills has made a decision:
"I'm gonna get dried out, unfucked, and see what my options are with the bone problem I have. I can't just sit here and fester anymore."

While part of me wants to get up on the desk and do the happy dance, another part of me knows that entering the hospital is the easy part. He's about to walk down a very dark road.

He doesn't believe in prayers, but I do. I'll be praying for him daily. Please keep him in your prayers, as well. He'll need each and every one you can spare.

Bus Fumes

I was noodling around the Sunday headlines this morning:

Here's what's got to be the "well, DUH!" headline of the week: Little girls too young for '40-year-old Virgin'.

I'd be tempted to say, "'Nuff said," but apparently there are some really stupid and selfish parents in the world...

Here's a case, however, where it's obvious that the parents aren't necessarily stupid or selfish, but completely ignorant of how to parent at all. It makes me want to put my head down and weep.

How much do you want to bet that those same women who took their small children to an R-rated movie will also be buying crap like this for their wee ones?

How you spend your money counts. Just say no.

The evil empire expands. Is there any corner of our lives Martha won't have her label on?

(A tip of the cap to Barbara Brotman.)

Bus Fumes

I beg to differ. They knew damn well the word would be offensive. (Or should have.) It's offensive here. Why wouldn't it be offensive in England?


From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

I shamelessly swiped this from Denny, and everyone in my office is secretly giggling over it. You will, too. (Just don't let the boss catch you!)

Okay, I lied. This is what really went on in Helen.

Shoe says:
"i have been advised via email and comments that i'm going to lose some of my closests companions if i don't do something to move spidey's scrotum further down the page."

Gotta love that gal!

Elizabeth sends this tale of "The Middle Wife" by an anonymous 2nd grade teacher

I've been teaching now for about fifteen years. I have two kids myself,but the best birth story I know is the one I saw in my own second-grade classroom a few years back.

When I was a kid, I loved show-and-tell. So I always have a few sessions with my students. It helps them get over shyness and usually,show-and-tell is pretty tame. Kids bring in pet turtles, model airplanes, pictures of fish they catch, stuff like that. And I never, ever place any boundaries or limitations on them. If they want to lug it to school and talk about it, they're welcome.

Well, one day this little girl, Erica, a very bright, very outgoing kid, takes her turn and waddles up to the front of the class with a pillow stuffed under her sweater. She holds up a snapshot of an infant.

"This is Luke, my baby brother, and I'm going to tell you about his birthday.

"First, Mom and Dad made him as a symbol of their love, and then Dad puta seed in my Mom's stomach, and Luke grew in there. He ate for nine months through an umbrella cord."

She's standing there with her hands on the pillow, and I'm trying not to laugh and wishing I had my camcorder with me. The kids are watching her in amazement.

"Then, about two Saturdays ago,my Mom starts saying and going, 'Oh, oh, oh!' Erica puts a hand behind her back and groans. "She walked around the house for, like an hour, 'Oh, oh, oh!

Now the kid's doing this hysterical duck walk, holding her back and groaning.

"My Dad called the middle wife. She delivers babies, but she doesn't have a sign on the car like the Domino's man."

"They got my Mom to lie down in bed like this."

Then Erica lies down with her back against the wall.

"And then, pop! My Mom had this bag of water she kept in there in case he got thirsty, and it just blew up and spilled all over the bed, like psshhheew!"

This kid has her legs spread and with her little hands are miming water flowing away. It was too much!

"Then the middle wife starts saying 'push, push, and breathe, breathe.'"

"They started counting, but never even got past ten. Then, all of a sudden, out comes my brother. He was covered in yucky stuff, they all said it was from Mom's play-center! , ...so there must be lot of stuff inside there."

Then Erica stood up, took a big theatrical bow and returned to her seat.

I'm sure I applauded the loudest. Ever since then, if it's show-and-tell day, I bring my camcorder, just in case another Erica comes along.

The Sweetheart of Shell Knob, MO sends THOUGHTS FOR 2005!

Number 10 - Life is sexually transmitted.

Number 9 - Good health is merely the slowest possible rate atwhich one can die.

Number 8 - Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see him without an erection, make him a sandwich!

Number 7 - Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

Number 6 - Some people are like a Slinky.....not really good foranything, but you still can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

Number 5 - Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lyingin hospitals dying of nothing.

Number 4 - All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

Number 3 - Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

Number 2 - In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

AND THE NUMBER 1 THOUGHT FOR 2005: We know exactly where one cow with mad cow disease is located among the millions and millions of cows in America, but we haven't got a clue as to where thousands of illegal immigrants and terrorists are located. Maybe we should put the Department of Agriculture in charge of immigration.

She also sent this: VALERIE and the 3 certainties of life.

The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40's or early 50's.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," was the man's reply.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit.

Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs.

After an hour, the man calmly left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie.

Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row -- too expensive -- and there were no discounts.

The price was still $1,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs.

After an hour, he left. The following night the man was there again.

Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man.

"No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she asked.

The man replied, "Missouri."

"Really" she said. "I have family in Missouri."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died and I am your sister's attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance."


There are three things in life that are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

Bus Fumes

Who are the fruit loops who come up with dandy ideas like this, anyway? And why is American Girl not thoroughly researching where the money they donate from "I Can" bands really goes?

This is a perfectly acceptable message for girls. Granted, American Girl has earmarked all donated funds to only these three Girls, Inc. initiatives (click on the "Learn more about the American Girl donation" link).

BUT when you go to the Girls, Inc. Advocacy Statement page, it's impossible to dismiss the fact that in order of priority, items 2, 3 and 4 are "Sexuality," "Reproductive Freedom" and "HIV/AIDS." "A Safer World for Girls," and "Girls have the right to prepare for interesting work and economic independence" seem to take a back seat to the right to get pregnant, the right to an abortion, the right not to get sexually transmitted diseases and sexual orientation. Gah!

Do you really want your little princess to be receiving that kind of messages along with her American Girl doll???

I can tell you here and now that I will not be buying American Girl products for either TMBCITW or MPAE until and unless American Girl severs its relationship with Girls, Inc. And I love to spoil my nieces.

In another one of those karmic oddities that I love so well, Ann Althouse and Spoons are tackling the issue of women who want to raise children without men and all the ticklish questions doing so raises on the same day. There are so many facets to take into consideration that this makes my head hurt.

All I've got to say is this: if you choose to get involved as the sperm donor, the sperm recipient, or the partner of said recipient, get thee to an attorney and spell out legal arrangements first. And know what the hell it is that you're signing.


Og wants to know where to find a picture of me from the Helen trip. You can find one here... But be warned -- I'd rather be behind the lens that in front of it. And another thing. While I was snapping that photo, Moogie was snapping me:


I've got your Grandma's rose right here for you, girlfriend:


Geeze! And Zonker thinks the power of the mullet is awesome? Guess we're going to have to bring something shiny and paisley for him to the next blogmeet...

Well, there have certainly been some interesting quizzes up lately. These results were surprising to me:

You scored as Simon Tam. The Doctor. You have a gift for healing that goes beyond education. You took an oath to do no harm, even when your patients have tried to kill you. You are out of place where you are, being used to refined society. However, if you take that stick out of your arse you should be fine.

Which Serenity character are you?
created with QuizFarm.com

(A tip of the cap to the Laughing Wolf.)

Just for fun, here's the Princess Mom and the Princess-in-Training:


And for those of you non-believers in the power of the mullet, even Buckaroo Bonsai was feeling it:

Now doesn't that get you all tingly?

(BB may kill us both, but THANKS, Moogie!)

Tootin' the Horn


....has a new baby sister!

Welcome Joee Lauren, the Most Precious Angel Ever (MPAE).

The Princess Mom appears to be thriving on grandbaby therapy. See?

I am truly blessed.


Oddly enough, my hair was this color once... by accident, right before my sister's wedding, and only for as long as it took to run to the drugstore, buy a new box-o-color, hoof it home and dump the new color stuff on my head:

Your Hair Should Be Orange
Expressive, deep, and one of a kind.You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

(A tip of the cap to Christine.)

Hillary Clinton is V-Man's monkey??? Dude! You're starting to scare me.

Hmmmm.... maybe that explains this, after all....

This is a woman with great style. I admire her spunk.

Another woman after my own heart.

Tootin' the Horn


Look who's finally coming back:

I'm so excited!

(And if you want to know what I want for Christmas, this is at the top of my list.)

Bus Fumes

The nanny state has once again reared its ugly head in Britain... and Piglet's presence in the House at Pooh Corner hangs in the balance.

Join the revolution!

Note: In protest, this week's Carnival of the Recipes will feature pork chop recipes. Submit yours here by noon on Saturday. (Ignore the Thursday deadline shown. The new deadline is indeed noon on Saturday.)


The Sewing Fanatic has some great news. Drop on over and leave her some love in the comments.

Mira is having a birthday. Go send good wishes.

V-Man's monkey says, "Thank you, sir. May I have another?"

(A tip of the cap to J-Walk.)

Roadside Diversions

Ferdy is debuting the Carnival of the Vicious, Invading Paleface Bastards (residents of the great state of Illinois).

Carnival of the Recipes is up at the Glittering Eye.


Who knew that V-Man's monkey...

... swings both ways?

Whoops! (Maybe this...

Should have been my first clue...

(A tip of the cap to Elizabeth and Flying Piggies.)


The Brits have a Ministry of Fun??? How can anyone regulate FUN???

Scratch that thought. I want a job there.

Pants, pants and more pants. Lack of pants, lack of pants and more lack of pants. Make up your mind, dudes.

This guy ranks right up there with my email buddy Og for people I really need to meet... and soon.

(BTW -- Go over here and wish Contagion and his lovely bride a happy anniversary.)


Hey, V-Man! I found your monkey...

Holy guacamole, Batman! Will Flipper will be signing up for American Idol soon? (If this weaponry doesn't kill our enemies, surely this will slay them... with laughter.)


Quote of the day:

"Malkiel's book is worthless. Within the first ten pages he distorts Fisher's theory of time-preference, implies that economics is both mathematical and quantitative, gives credence to Keynes, and just plain pisses me off."


The Mommy Test? (Sorry. I giggled.)

Because Yabu asked the question:

Revenge killer

You kill for revenge.

That is because you have lost something or someone you held very dear. Now you can't seem to get over the loss that marked your soul, and the only solution is to go after the one person who brought all this pain to you. Chances are you are angry inside and you bottle everything up and don't talk to anyone about it. People may want to help, but you think that they can never understand your pain and only get frustrated because of this. But it is important to see all that you have left and be thankful of that even if you have lost something great.

It may not be true that Times heals all wounds, but with time and talking about your feelings, maybe the hurt will ease.

Main weapon: Yourself

Quote: "You can close your eyes to reality but not to memories" -Stainslaw J. Lec

Facial expression: Gritted teeth and teary eyes

What Type of Killer Are You? [cool pictures]
brought to you by Quizilla


Looky here! Our receptionist "Trisha da Fisha" has turned up in the Outdoor section of the Chicago Sun Times. Congrats, Trish.


Well, what do you know?

You're Brigitte Bardot!

What Classic Pin-Up Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

I know that feeling. In fact, that was me at about 3 a.m. on Saturday morning.

Bus Fumes

What in the hell possessed Illinois Republican party leaders to consider an "outside candidate" for governor??? May I remind the GOP leadership that the last time they picked an outsider, we ended up with this right-threaded wingnut as our best shot for the Senate? Note "How and why Dr. Keyes won in Illinois" for example. I swear the entire party in this state is wearing tinfoil beanies and oompa-loompa suits and marching in an all-kazoo band.

Jesus, Mary, Joseph and the wee donkey, they're going to force me to vote for a Democrat, any Democrat, aren't they? (Even a Lyndon LaRouche candidate is going to look better than a GOP pick.)

(A tip of the cap to Spoons.)

Aw, fer cripe's sake! Some people have no sense of humor. I, on the other hand, want one of those FSM magnet doohickies for my car. (Pastafarians of the world, unite!)

The English Werewolf hits the nail on the head. Make sure you know where your donated dollars are really going.

Roadside Diversions

Carnival of the recipes is being hosted by Punctilious. Loads of yummy goodness.

Carnival of the Cats is being hosted by Music and Cats. Cuddly goodness.

Chartered Excursion -- Helen, GA

So how was the blogmeet? Probably best described by this old Tom Paxton tune.

Think I'm kidding? Saturday morning Sam (who had the room next to ours) leaned over the balconey and called down to the parking lot, "V-Man! I got yer monkey, yer laptop, yer cowbell and yer bullwhip in mah room. Come on up and git'em." And that was just the results of the first night of debauchery.

Who was there? In approximate order of appearance:

Acidman, Recondo32 and Georgia
Velociman and the Velocimistress
Key Monroe
Sam Moore
Ellison and SWMBO
Eric and the charming Fiona

I know the rules -- what happens in Helen stays in Helen. So here's what I can tell you:

  • Every one of those fine folks welcomed Buckaroo Bonsai and I with open arms, open hearts and cocktails up the kazoo.
  • I haven't laughed as long or as much in I don't know how long.
  • There is a way to avoid the hangover from hell from the Chatham Artillery Punch. You take two aspirin (or Tylenol or Advil) and drink two big glasses of water every time you wake up and need to use the facilities during the wee small hours of the morning.
  • I got to witness Acidman left speechless. Yep. He nearly dropped his dentures. I didn't think that was possible, but it happened and it was priceless. (I have a witness. Just ask Ellison to confirm.)
  • Next time we go, BB and I are going to Tube the Hooch.
  • Helen is a lovely town, and you can't go two feet without tripping over fantastic live music, especially during Octoberfest.
  • Every blodger there ate at The Troll at one point or another during the weekend. Luscious irony. Great food.
  • Almost every restaurant in the place has a German theme, and the waitresses are dressed in dirndls. It's mightly bizarre to have a blonde-haired cutie in one of those get-ups approach your table and say, "Hah. Whut can Ah brang y'all?" Truly a spit-take moment.
  • Buckaroo Bonsai revealed to me that he owns a set of these, hand-me-downs from his stepdad. I'm making him bring them next year.
  • Moogie and I are so much alike it's downright frightening. She'll be moving up the blogroll into the "family" column.
  • Elvis threw beads at me, and I didn't even have to show him my breasts.
The best part? This Beantown-born, midwest raised Yankee gal became an official Deadly Blowneyed Jawja Blodger. And damned proud of it, too.

Now, wasn't that a party?