From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

An email from my dear (and outrageous) friend Mr. Bill got me to thinking that I haven't posted the jokes some of you keep sending me in a very long time.

Here's Mr. Bill's contribution:

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students.

'Human beings are the only animals that stutter,' she says.

A little girl raises her hand. 'I had a kitty-cat who stuttered.'

The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.

'Well', she began, 'I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler that lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!'

'That must've been scary,' said the teacher.

'It sure was,' said the little girl.

'My kitty raised her back, went Fffff, Fffff, Fffff' and.................................. before she could say 'Fuck!', the Rottweiler ate her!'

The teacher had to leave the room.

From the Sweetheart of Shell Knob, MO:

These 16 Police Comments were taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They stretch after awhile."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? OK, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."

13. "How big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief (of Police) is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Heh.

And since we're featuring such sophisticated humor:

Please follow the instructions.

.....Just because I know you need to smile.

1st look and see the Whale under the water.

Keep your cursor OUT of the picture until you see the Whale.

Then move your mouse cursor onto the picture, but stand back, you might get wet (it's like it's 3D).

Click on the picture when it loads completely and be sure that your sound is on

CLICK ON: Worlds Most Dangerous Creature

Also, this little gem of a video: