Leslie's Omnibus

From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

Just a couple of quick things that tickled my funny bone:

From Elizabeth comes this hystical news item --

When Nathan Radlich's house was burgled, thieves left his TV, his VCR, and even left his watch. What they did take was "generic white cardboard box filled with greyish-white powder." (That at least is the way the police described it.) A spokesman for the Fort Lauderdale police said, "that it looked similar to cocaine and they'd probably thought they'd hit the big time."

Then Nathan stood in front of the TV cameras and pleaded with the burglars: "Please return the cremated remains of my sister, Gertrude. She died three years ago."

Well, the next morning, the bullet-riddled corpse of a drug dealer known as Hoochie Pevens was found on Nathan's doorstep. The cardboard box was there too; about half of Gertrude's ashes remained. And there was this note. It said: "Hoochie sold us the bogus blow, so we wasted Hoochie. Sorry we snorted your sister. No hard feelings. Have a nice day."

[Of course I knew this was an urban legend. It still made me laugh!]
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Catfish sent me a variety of quotes commenting on the French, and their usefulness as an ally:

France has neither winter nor summer nor morals. Apart from these drawbacks it is a fine country.”

France has usually been governed by prostitutes.” --Mark Twain
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"I would rather have a German division in front of me than a French one behind me." --General George S. Patton
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"Going to war without France is like going deer hunting without your Accordion." --Norman Schwartzkopf
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"We can stand here like the French, or we can do something about it." --Marge Simpson
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"As far as I'm concerned, war always means failure." --Jacques Chirac, President of France

"As far as France is concerned, you're right." --Rush Limbaugh
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"The only time France wants us to go to war is when the German Army is Sitting in Paris sipping coffee." --Regis Philbin
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"You know, the French remind me a little bit of an aging actress of the 1940s who was still trying to dine out on her looks but doesn't have the face for it." -- John McCain , U. S. Senator from Arizona
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"The last time the French asked for 'more proof' it came marching into Paris under a German flag." --David Letterman
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"Only thing worse than a Frenchman is a Frenchman who lives in Canada." --Ted Nugent
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"War without France would be like ... World War II." --Unknown
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"The favorite bumper sticker in Washington D. C. right now is one that says 'First Iraq, then France.'" --Tom Brokaw
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"What do you expect from a culture and a nation that exerted more of its National will fighting against Disney World and Big Macs than the Nazis?" --Dennis Miller
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"It is important to remember that the French have always been there when they needed us." --Alan Kent
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"They've taken their own precautions against al-Qa'ida. To prepare for an attack, each Frenchman is urged to keep duct tape, a white flag, and a three-day supply of mistresses in the house." --Argus Hamilton
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"Somebody was telling me about the French Army rifle that was being advertised on eBay the other day -- the description was, 'Never shot. Dropped once." --Rep. Roy Blunt, MO
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"The French will only agree to go to war when we've proven we've found truffles in Iraq " --Dennis Miller
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Q. What did the mayor of Paris say to the German Army as they entered the city in WWII?

A. Table for 100,000 m'sieur?
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"Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris ? It's not known, it's never been tried."---Rep. R. Blount, MO
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"Do you know it only took Germany three days to conquer France in WWII? And that's because it was raining." --John Xereas, Manager, DC Improv
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The AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced after the London bombings that it has raised its terror alert level from Run to Hide. The only two higher levels in France are Surrender and Collaborate.

The rise in the alert level was precipitated by a recent fire which destroyed France 's white flag factory, effectively disabling their military.
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French Ban Fireworks at Euro Disney

(AP), Paris, March 5, 2003

The French Government announced today that it is imposing a ban on the use of fireworks at Euro Disney. The decision comes the day after a nightly fireworks display at the park, located just 30 miles outside of Paris, caused the soldiers at a nearby French Army garrison to surrender to a group of Czech tourists.

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Need more? He also sent this:

A U.S. Navy Admiral was attending a Naval conference that included admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a group of half dozen or so officers that included personnel from most of the countries.

Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French Admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, Americans learn only English.

He then asked:

"Why is it that we always have to speak English at these conferences rather than speaking French?"

Without hesitating, the American Admiral replied:

"Maybe it's because the Brits, Canadians, Aussies and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German."
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From the Sweetheart of Shell Knob, MO, come these...

Handy Cleaning Tips

Dirt
Layers of dirty film on windows and screens provide a helpful filter against harmful and aging rays from the sun. Call it an SPF factor of 15 and leave it alone.

Cobwebs
Artfully draped over lampshades reduce the glare from the bulb, thereby creating a romantic atmosphere. If someone points out that the light fixtures need dusting, simply look confused and exclaim "What? And spoil the mood?" (Or just throw glitter on them & call them holiday decorations.)

Pet Hair
Explain the mound of pet hair brushed up against the doorways by claiming you are collecting it there to use for stuffing hand-sewn play animals for underprivileged children. (Also keeps out cold drafts in winter.)

Guests
If unexpected company is coming, pile everything unsightly into one room and close the door. As you show your guests through your tidy home, rattle the doorknob vigorously, fake a growl and say, "I'd love you to see our den, but Fluffy hates to be disturbed and the shots are SO expensive."

Dusting
If dust is REALLY out of control, simply place a showy urn on the coffee table and insist that "This is where Grandma wanted us to scatter her ashes."

General Cleaning
Mix one-quarter cup pine-scented household cleaner with four cups of water in a spray bottle. Mist the air lightly. Leave dampened rags in conspicuous locations. Develop an exhausted look, throw yourself on the couch and sigh, "I clean and I clean and I still don't get anywhere."

As a last resort, light the oven, throw a teaspoon of cinnamon in a pie pan, turn off oven and explain that you have been baking cookies for a bake sale for a favorite charity and haven't had time to clean...Works every time.

Another favorite, I think from Erma Bombeck - always keep several get well cards on the mantle so if unexpected guests arrive, you can say you've been sick and unable to clean.

(I like the way she thinks!)
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Leslie

2 comments:

Barb said...

Thanks for putting a smile on my face today. :) And I really like that pet hair cleaning tip. LOL

LadyGunn said...

Those are great tips. Now I have cover stories!

The Fwench ones are hilarious.