A couple of months ago I rushed through a mall and grabbed two packages of underpants in what I thought was the correct size off a sale table in a store that I visit once or twice a decade, and put the brand new packages in my undies draw for just such an emergency.
A few weeks later I was running low and had no time to do laundry, so I hauled out and opened a new package of panties. When I unfolded them, I immediately realized I had made a mistake and bought one size too large.
Unlike Bridget Jones' gigantic granny pants, which were made of spandex, the ones I'd bought were made of cotton -- cheap cotton with elastic at the waist and leg bands.
It was the giant pants or going commando.
I opted for the giant pants.
Do you recall the tale of me and the self-destructing pantyhose? Sometimes my foundations and I simply do not get along.
The giant pants, like the pantyhose, fit just fine (okay, a little loose -- but not so bad) just out of the package. But as the day went on they started expanding in all directions, except for the waistband and leg bands.
The waistband ended up scooching northwards, missing my bra band by a mere inch.
The butt boofed out like a gangsta's boxers.
The sides expanded until it looked like the plastic pants my mother used to cover my cloth diapers as a baby.
And I had no time to do laundry or go shopping for at least three more days.
Yes, I should have thrown them out. I've laundered, then binned them at least three times but my penurious Yankee conscience just won't let me let go of them.
And I'll probably end up wearing them again, too.
The Chicago Air & Water Show starts tomorrow, but we've had fighter jets buzzing the city for a couple of days now in practice. Ear worm of the day?
Yes, this is extra naughty. Yes, it made me laugh and laugh and laugh some more.
Not only are her photographs beautiful, Jen McKen's ethics are, too:
Last night I posted on facebook the following: “If I’m wrong, please speak up. I came across a page on facebook that was created (by someone under a ficticious name) thats purpose is to bully, ridicule and say mean and hurtful things about their class mates. While visiting the page, I found several teenage girls that have scheduled sessions with me for their senior pictures. I am emailing them tomorrow to cancel their shoots. I do not want them to represent my business and I am beside myself at how MEAN and CRUEL they were on that page.”You go, girl.
(A tip of the cap to Her Primordial Majesty.)
My down home girlfriend Paula kicks Tony Bourdain's arrogant ass:
“My good friends Rachael, Guy and Sandra are the most generous charitable folks I know. They give so much of their time and money to help the food-deprived, sick children and abandoned animals. I have no idea what Anthony has done to contribute besides being irritable.”Go read the whole thing here.