Leslie's Omnibus

From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

You think you've got problems? How'd you like to be this flasher?

They couldn't tell the difference? How mortifying.

If I didn't know V-Man's true identity, I'd swear this was him!

Update: Maybe it was him after all.

Thanks to CancunAnne, I find that my mother was wrong -- sometimes it's not impolite to play with your food:


From Elizabeth:

After having been served in a Las Vegas cocktail lounge, the Southern gent beckoned his waitress back and said quietly, "Miss, y'all sure are a luvly, luvly lady; can ah persuade y'all to give me a piece of ass?"

"Lord, that's the most direct proposition I've ever had!" gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, "Sure, why not? You're nice lookin' too and it's pretty slow here right now, so why don't we just slip away up to my room?"

When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, "Will there be anything else, sir?"

"Why yes," replied the southern gentleman. "Ah sure 'preciate what y'all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y'all for a piece uh ass for mah drink."

Also from Elizabeth:

A hillbilly got married, and on his wedding night he calls his father for advice on what to do since he had never been intimate with a woman before. "We're in the bedroom, Pa What do we do now?"

Thinking that nature will take its course, the father replied, "Take her clothes off and then you both get in bed."

The hillbilly calls his dad 5 minutes later and says, "She's nekid and we're in bed. What do I do now?"

Knowing his son wasn't the brightest crayon in the box, his dad asked, "Did you take your clothes off, too?"

"No." the son replies.

"Well, take your clothes off and get back in bed with her."

The son calls back a few minutes later and says, "We're both nekid and in bed. What do I do now?"

The father's patience is quickly running out, and he growls, "Look, Son, do I have to spell everything out? Just stick the hardest thing on your body where she pees!"

The son calls again a minute later. "Ok, Pa. I've got my head in the toilet bowl. Now what?"

From Catfish:

A dietician was once addressing a large audience. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here years ago.

"Red meat is awful. Soft drinks erode your stomach lining. Chinese food is loaded with MSG. High-fat diets can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the long-term harm caused by the germs in our drinking water.

"But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all have, or will, eat it. Can anyone here tell me what food it is that causes the most grief and suffering for years after eating it?"

After several seconds of quiet, a small 75-year-old man in the front row raised his had, stood up and softly said,

"Wedding cake?"

More vintage Catfish (and while we're on the subject):

A blonde's car gets a flat tire on the Interstate one day so she eases it over onto the shoulder of the road. She carefully steps out of the car and opens the trunk. Takes out two cardboard men, unfolds them and stands them at the rear of the vehicle facing oncoming traffic. The lifelike cardboard men are in trench coats exposing their nude bodies to approaching drivers...

Not surprisingly, the traffic became snarled and backed up.

It wasn't very long before a police car arrives.

The Officer, clearly enraged, approaches her yelling, "What is going on here?"

“My car broke down, Officer" says the woman, calmly.

"Well, what the heck are these obscene cardboard pictures doing here by the road?!" asks the Officer...

“Oh, those are my emergency flashers!" she replied.

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

.. bhwhahhaa... piece of ice, indeed....