That's my story, and I'm sticking to it.
Nancy V. wants you to know that since flu season is just around the corner:
Eat right! Make sure you get your daily dose of fruits and veggies.
Take your vitamins and bump up your vitamin C.
Get plenty of exercise because exercise helps build our immune system.
Walk for at least an hour a day, go for a swim, take the stairs instead of the elevator, etc.
Wash your hands often. If you can't wash them, keep a bottle of antibacterial stuff around.
Get lots of fresh air. Open doors and windows whenever possible.
Try to eliminate as much stress from your life as you can.
Get plenty of rest.
Take the doctor's approach. Think about it...
When you go for a shot, what do they do first?
They clean your arm with alcohol... Why?
Because alcohol KILLS GERMS.
I walk to the liquor store. (exercise)
I put lime in my Corona. (fruit)
Celery in my Bloody Mary. (veggies)
Drink outdoors on the bar patio. (fresh air)
Tell jokes, laugh. (eliminate stress)
Then pass out. (rest)
The way I see it... If you keep your alcohol levels up, flu germs can't get you!
My grandmother always said,
"A shot in the glass is better than one in the ass!"
Remember John Wayne Gacy jokes? Ted Bundy jokes? GUYK raises the genre of finding humor in the gruesome to a whole new level with this NOLA joke.
[European] Business Trip
I checked into a hotel on a business trip and was a bit lonely so I thought I'd get me one of those girls you see advertised in phone booths when you're calling for a cab.
I grabbed a card on my way in.
It was an ad for a girl calling herself Erogonique, a lovely girl, bending over in the photo.
She had all the right curves in all the right places, beautiful long wavy hair, long graceful legs. You know the kind.
So I'm in my room and figure, what the hell, I'll give her a call.
"Hello?" the woman says.
God, she sounded sexy.
"Hi, I hear you give a great massage and I'd like you to come to my room and give me one. No, wait, I should be straight with you. I'm in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hard, I want it hot, and I want it now. I'm talking kinky the whole night long. You name it, we'll do it. Bring implements, toys, everything you've got in your bag of tricks. We'll go hot and heavy all night. Tie me up, wear a strap on, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything you want baby. Now, how does that sound?"
She says, "That sounds fantastic Sir , but for an outside line you need to press 9."
While touring an Indian reservation in North Dakota filming a documentary, Barbara Walters was puzzled as to why the difference in the number of feathers in the headdresses. So, she asked a brave who only had one feather in his headdress.
His reply was: "Only have one woman. One woman, one feather."
Feeling the first fellow was only joking she asked another brave.
This brave had two feathers in his headdress. And he replied: "Me have two women. Two women, two feathers."
Still not convinced the feathers indicated the number of sexual partners involved, she decided to interview the Chief.
Now the Chief had a headdress full of feathers, which, needless to say, amused Ms.Walters. She asked the Chief, "Why do you have so many feathers in your headdress?"
The Chief proudly pounded his chest and said: "Me Chief, me sleep with 'em all. Big, small, fat and tall, me sleep with 'em all."
Horrified, Ms. Walters stated, "You ought to be hung."
The Chief said: "You damn right, me hung, big like buffalo, long like snake"
Ms. Walters cried, "You don't have to be so hostile"
The Chief replied: "Hoss-style, dog-style, wolf-style, any style.. ... me sleep with 'em all."
With tears in her eyes, Ms. Walters cried, "Oh dear."
The Chief said: "No deer. Ass too high, run too fast."
He also sent this:
It was October and the Indians on a remote reservation asked their new chief if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild.
Since he became the chief in a modern society, he had never been taught all the old secrets. When he looked at the sky, he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the village should collect firewood to be prepared.
Now being a practical leader, after several days he got an idea. He went to a phone booth, called the National Weather Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to be cold?"
"It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold," the meteorologist at the weather service responded.
So the chief went back to his people and told them to collect even more firewood in order to be prepared.
Two weeks later he called the National Weather Service again. "Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?"
"Yes," the man at the National Weather Service again replied, "it's going to be a very cold winter."
The chief again went back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find.
Still apprehensive the chief called the National Weather Service one more time. "Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?"
"Absolutely," the man replied. "It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever."
"How can you be so sure?" the chief asked.
The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting firewood like crazy."
For my BlogMama:
A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls, and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde. The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.
Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "It's golf balls".
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him thoughtfully and finally, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, asked, "Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?"
Wednesday, November 02, 2005 | Posted by Omnibabe at 9:59 AM