From Michael Sneed's 12/25/02 Chicago Tribune Column:
The following is a Christmas story about an old pal named Steve who has a son named Sam, who learned "the Truth" about Santa Claus . . . on Christmas Eve.
But like a good father, Steve worried about how his son was handling this turn in his life. So he penned a note to Sam from "Santa" and left it under the tree.
I printed this yarn (it's true) a few years ago. So here it goes again.
Your dad stayed up last night to tell me that you now know as much about me as I do about you.
Well, good. I'm glad you asked. And don't worry, no child ever really leaves me. Ask your mom. Ask your dad. They know I don't live in the North Pole (too cold). They know I don't ride in a sleigh (too dangerous). Still, they love me, and so will you, even 50 years from now.
Oh, and what do you think happened last night just as you were asking about me?
Why, a baby was born out in Kalispell, Mont. That's right, just as you were putting aside your belief, a brand-new child was born who can put it to good use.
So long as that keeps happening, I'll never be out of a job.
Sam, I want to wish you a wonderful life. If you don't mind, I will continue to drop by on future Christmases, just to make sure you're OK.
P.S. Remember, you don't have to believe in me to know I am there.
Nice, huh? Thanks, Steve . . . for being a terrific Santa.
Why Christmas Trees Are Better Than Men
1. A Christmas tree is always erect.
2. Even small ones give satisfaction.
3. A Christmas tree stays up for days.
4. A Christmas tree always looks good - even when it's lit.
5. A Christmas tree is always happy with its size.
6. A Christmas tree has cute balls.
7. A Christmas tree doesn't get mad if you break one of its balls.
8. You can throw a Christmas tree out when it wears out.
9. You don't have to put up with a Christmas tree all year.
10. You only have to feed/water it once a week.
11. It's always there to light up your life.
12. It gets turned on only when you want it turned on.
13. It always smells nice and doesn't pass gas.
14. If it needles you, you can toss it out.
From Kathy, a Carol Quiz!
THE OBJECT IS TO NAME AS MANY OF THESE CAROLS AS YOU CAN BY THE CLUES GIVEN.
1. Bleached Yule
2. Castaneous-colored Seed Vesicated in a Conflagration (Good one huh?)
3. Singular Yearning for the Twin Incisors
4. Righteous Darkness
5. Arrival Time: 2400 hrs. - Weather: Cloudless
6. Loyal Followers Advance
7. Far off in a Feeder
8. Array the Corridor
9. Bantam Male Percussionist
10. Monarchial Triad
11. Nocturnal Noiselessness
12. Jehovah Deactivate Blithe Chevaliers
13. Red Man En Route to Borough
14. Frozen Precipitation Commence
15. Proceed and Enlighten on the Pinnacle
16. The Quadruped with the Vermillion Probiscis
17. Query Regarding Identity of Descendant
18. Delight for this Planet
19. Give Attention to the Melodius Celestial Beings
20. The Dozen Festive 24 Hour Intervals
Have you written your letter to Santa yet? If not, Jan says this link can help.
Little Johnny had a cussing problem and his father was getting tired of it. He decided to ask his shrink what to do. The shrink said "Since Christmas is coming up, you should ask Johnny what he wants Santa to bring him. If he cusses while he tells you his wish list, leave a pile of dog poop in place of the gift or gifts he requests."
Two days before Christmas, Johnny's father asked him what he wanted for Christmas. "I want a damn teddy-bear laying right beside me when I wake-up. When I go downstairs I want to see a damn train going around the damn tree. And when I go outside I want to see a damn bike leaning up against the damn garage."
Christmas morning, Little Johnny woke up and rolled over into a pile of dog poop. Confused, he walked down stairs and saw another pile under the tree. Scratching his head, he walked outside and saw a huge pile of dog poop by the garage.
When Johnny walked back inside with a curious look on his face, his dad smiled and asked, "What did Santa bring you this year?"
Johnny replied, "I think I got a damn dog but I can't find the son-of-a-bitch!"
Subject: To whom it may concern
I regret to inform you that, effective immediately, I will no longer beable to serve the southern United States on Christmas Eve. Due to the overwhelming current population of the earth, my contract was renegotiated by North American Fairies and Elves Local 209. I now serve only certain areas of Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin and Michigan. As part of the new and better contract I also get longer breaks for milk and cookies, so keep that in mind.
I'm certain that your children will be in good hands with your local replacement, who happens to be my third cousin, Bubba Claus.
His side of the family is from the South Pole. He shares my goal of delivering toys to all the good boys and girls; however, there are a few differences between us. Differences such as:
1. There is no danger of a Grinch stealing your presents from Bubba Claus. He has a gun rack on his sleigh and a bumper sticker that reads: "These toys insured by Smith and Wesson."
2. Instead of milk and cookies, Bubba Claus prefers that children leave an RC Cola and a moon pie [or pork rinds] on the fireplace. And Bubba doesn't smoke a pipe. He dips a little snuff though, so please have an empty spitcan handy.
3. Bubba Claus' sleigh is pulled by floppy-eared, flyin' coon dogs insteado f reindeer. I made the mistake of loaning him a couple of my reindeer onetime, and Blitzen's head now overlooks Bubba's fireplace.
4. You won't hear "On Comet, on Cupid, on Donner and Blitzen", when Bubba Claus arrives. Instead, you'll hear, "On Earnhardt, on Wallace, on Martin and Labonte. On Rudd, on Jarrett, on Elliott and Petty."
5. "Ho, ho, ho!" has been replaced by "Yee Haw!" And you also are likely to hear Bubba's elves respond, "I heard dat!"
6. As required by Southern highway laws, Bubba Claus' sleigh does have a Yosemite Sam safety triangle on the back with the words "Back off". The last I heard, it also had other decorations on the sleigh back as well. One is a Ford or Chevy logo with lights that race through the letters and the other is a caricature of me (Santa Claus) peeing on the Tooth Fairy.
7. The usual Christmas movie classics such as "Miracle on 34th Street" and "It's a Wonderful Life" will not be shown in your negotiated viewing area. Instead, you'll see "Boss Hogg Saves Christmas" and "Smokey and the Bandit IV" featuring Burt Reynolds as Bubba Claus and dozens of state patrol cars crashing into each other.
8. Bubba Claus doesn't wear a belt. If I were you, I'd make sure you, the wife, and the kids turn the other way when he bends over to put presents under the tree.
9. And, finally, lovely Christmas songs have been sung about me, such as"Rudolph, The Red-Nosed Reindeer" and Bing Crosby's "Santa Claus Is Coming to Town." This year, however, songs about Bubba Claus will be played on all the AM radio stations in the South--songs such as Mark Chesnutt's "Bubba Claus Shot the Jukebox" and "Grandma Got Run'd Over by a Reindeer."
Member, North American Fairies and Elves Local 209
Update: Here are those answers I promised.
1. White Christmas
2. Chesnuts Roasting On An Open Fire
3. All I Want For Christmas Is My Two Front Teeth
4. Oh, Holy Night
5. It Came Upon A Midnight Clear
6. Oh, Come All Ye Faithful
7. Away In A Manger
8. Deck The Halls
9. Little Drummer Boy
10. We Three Kings
11. Silent Night
12. God Rest Ye Merry, Gentlemen
13. Santa Claus Is Coming To Town
14. Let It Snow
15. Go Tell It On The Mountain
16. Rudolph The Red-Nosed Reindeer
17. What Child Is This?
18. Joy To The World
19. Hark! The Herald Angels Sing
20. Twelve Days of Christmas
How'd you do?