From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

The Sweetheart of Shell Knob, MO sends this highly accurate parody:

Barbies for ILLINOIS girls

Highland Park Barbie: This trendy homemaker Barbie is available with the Lexus or BMW SUV, gets lost easily, and has no full-time occupation. Traffic-jamming cell phone sold separately. Optional matching gym outfit.

Cicero Barbie: This recently paroled Barbie comes with a 9 mm handgun, a Ray Lewis knife, a low-rider Chevrolet with oversized wheels and tinted windows, and a Meth Lab Ken. Also available in a Mexican version.

Naperville Barbie: This yuppie Barbie comes with choice of a BMW sports car or a souped up Hummer 2, Starbucks cup, credit card and shallow Ken.

Peoria Barbie: This model comes in Wrangler jeans two sizes too small, a NASCAR shirt, big hair, a six pack of Coors Light, and a Hank, Jr., CD set. She can spit over 5 feet, and she can kick Ken's hiney when she's drunk. A pickup is available with Confederate flag bumper stickers.

Halsted Barbie: This Barbie actually comes in two variations. One has long gray hair and arch-less feet, Birkenstocks, no makeup, and a mutt. Or boycut brown highlighted hair, Abercrombie Tee and cargos, combat boots and a pit-bull.

Humboldt Barbie: This bee-atch of a Barbie comes with a knife to stab other Barbies in the back, miniskirt and tons of makeup. They are working on developing a "Hyde Park Barbie," but she keeps getting shot.

Lake Forest and Kenilworth Barbie: This true blonde shops exclusively in town. She drives a Land Rover (sold separately). She has an MBA from Northwestern but has never worked outside the home. Her child's stroller is bigger than your car, and her tennis trophies are discreetly hidden behind CEO Ken's golf trophies. She knows enough Spanish to talk with the nanny, Tagalog to speak to the cook, and Polish for the house painter and housekeeper, respectively. Her family owns a winery in Napa, but she buys cases of "2-Buck Chuck" at Trader Joe's. Hence the need for the rear-loading Land Rover.

Berwyn Barbie: Big hair sprayed black, with overdone makeup and housecoat, cooks up a batch of mean meatballs and lasagna and the ever popular chocolate chip cookies. Comes with plastic covered sofas.

Wrigleyville Barbie: Cubs hat and tank top, bleacher tan, Kosher hotdog and overpriced Old Style in hand. Ken is dressed in the Cubs satin jacket, hat, and headphones, and has a mark in his palm where the game ball landed once. His lawyer is sold separately.
_____

Moogie's thinging "Thong Thung Blue"... or thumbthing like that. (Thorry. Jutht can't help mythelf. Thilly, thilly me.)
_____

New baby stories for my sister-in-law, who's expecting a sibling for TMBCITW some time in late September...
_____

Jutht sthop it, already.
_____