From Nancy V.: Football FINALLY makes sense..........
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like... Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!
The reason a dog has so many friends is that he wags his tail instead of his tongue.
If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went.
- Will Rogers
Don't accept your dog's admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.
- Ann Landers
There is no psychiatrist in the world like a puppy licking your face.
- Ben Williams
A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than they love themselves.
- Josh Billings
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney
We give dogs time we can spare, space we can spare and love we can spare. And in return, dogs give us their all. It's the best deal man has ever made.
- M. Acklam
I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.
- Rita Rudner
Anybody who doesn't know what soap tastes like never bathed a dog.
- Franklin P.
If your dog is fat, YOU aren't getting enough exercise.
My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That's almost $21.00 in dog money.
- Joe Weinstein
Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? We come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul - chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we're the greatest hunters on earth!
- Anne Tyler
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, 'My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!'
- Dave Barry
Dogs are not our whole life, but they do make our lives whole.
- Roger Caras
If you think dogs can't count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then giving Fido only two of them.
- Phil Pastoret
My goal in life is to be as good of a person as my dog already thinks I am.
A man and his dog were walking along a road. The man was enjoying the scenery, when it suddenly occurred to him that he was dead.
He remembered dying, and that the dog walking beside him had been dead for years. He wondered where the road was leading them.
After a while, they came to a high, white stone wall along one side of the road. It looked like fine marble. At the top of a long hill, it was broken by a tall arch that glowed in the sunlight.
When he was standing before it he saw a magnificent gate in the arch that looked like mother-of-pearl, and the street that led to the gate looked like pure gold. He and the dog walked toward the gate, and as he got closer, he saw a man at a desk to one side.
When he was close enough, he called out, "Excuse me, where are we?"
"This is Heaven, sir," the man answered.
"Wow! Would you happen to have some water?" the man asked.
"Of course, sir. Come right in, and I'll have some ice water brought right up."
The man gestured, and the gate began to open.
"Can my friend," gesturing toward his dog, "come in, too?" the traveler asked.
"I'm sorry, sir, but we don't accept pets."
The man thought a moment and then turned back toward the road and continued the way he had been going with his dog.
After another long walk, and at the top of another long hill, he came to a dirt road leading through a farm gate that looked as if it had never been closed. There was no fence.
As he approached the gate, he saw a man inside, leaning against a tree and reading a book.
"Excuse me!" he called to the man. "Do you have any water?"
"Yeah, sure, there's a pump over there, come on in."
"How about my friend here?" the traveler gestured to the dog.
"There should be a bowl by the pump."
They went through the gate, and sure enough, there was an old-fashioned hand pump with a bowl beside it.
The traveler filled the water bowl and took a long drink himself, then he gave some to the dog.
When they were full, he and the dog walked back toward the man who was standing by the tree.
"What do you call this place?" the traveler asked.
"This is Heaven," he answered.
"Well, that's confusing," the traveler said. "The man down the road said that was Heaven, too."
"Oh, you mean the place with the gold street and pearly gates? Nope. That's hell."
"Doesn't it make you mad for them to use your name like that?"
"No, we're just happy that they screen out the folks who would leave their best friends behind."
Vocabulary Lesson of the Day:
In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything had to be transported by ship, and it was also before commercial fertilizer's invention, so large shipments of manure were common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, it not only became heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas.
As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles, you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM!
Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined what caused the explosions.
After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the term "Ship High In Transit" on them which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this volatile cargo and start the production of methane.
Thus evolved the term "S.H.I.T.," (Ship High In Transit) which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day.
[You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I. I thought it was a golf term.]
More for pet lovers:
Dear Beloved Pets:
The dishes with the paw print are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food. Please note, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that aesthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn't help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort.
For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, bark, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years -- canine or feline attendance is not mandatory.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat's butt. I can not stress this enough!
To return the kindness of your obedience, my dear pets, I have posted the following on our front door so visitors to our home know what the rules are here:
Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit and Like to Complain About Our Pets:
1. They live here. You don't.
2. If you don't want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture. (That's why they call it "fur"niture.)
3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.
4. Dogs and cats are better than kids. They eat less, don't ask for money all the time,
are easier to train, usually come when called (this does not apply to most cats), never drive your car, don't hang out with drug-using friends, don't smoke or drink, don't worry about having to buy the latest fashions, don't wear your clothes, and don't need a gazillion dollars for college.
Also, if they get pregnant, you can sell the children.
There once was a little pink lady. She had a little pink house and a little pink dress and a little pink dog. This lady sold Avon.
One day the lady was walking down a street selling her Avon when she came across a little red house. She pressed the doorbell. In the little red house lived a little red man. He was taking a bath in his little red bathtub when he heard his little red doorbell ring.
"There goes my doorbell" he said to himself as he climbed out of his little red bath. He grabbed a little red towel and put it around his waist and walked down his little red stairs to his little red door.
But, when he opened the door, his little red towel slipped and fell off.
The little pink lady screamed and ran out across the street. A car coming down the road hit her and she died.
Moral: never cross the street when the little red man is flashing.
Actual Personals From Jewish Newspapers:
- Divorced Jewish man seeks partner to attend shul with, light Shabbos candles, celebrate holidays, build Sukkah together, attend brisses and Bar Mitzvahs. Religion not important.
- Israeli professor, 41, with 18 years of teaching in my behind. Looking for American-born woman who speaks English very good.
- I am a sensitive Jewish prince to whom you can open your heart to share your innermost thoughts and deepest secrets. Confide in me. I'll understand your insecurities. No fatties, please.
- Jewish male, 34. Very successful, smart, independent, self-made. Looking for girl whose father will hire me.
- Single Jewish woman, 29, into disco, mountain climbing, skiing, track and field. Has slight limp.
Sisters of Mercy
A man is driving down a deserted stretch of highway, when he notices a sign out the corner of his eye.
It reads SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 10 MILES. He thinks it is a figment of his imagination so he drives on without a second thought.
Soon, he sees another sign which reads SISTER OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - 5 MILES and realizes these sign are for real.
When he drives past a third sign saying SISTERS OF MERCY HOUSE OF PROSTITUTION - NEXT RIGHT, his curiosity gets the best of him and he pulls into the drive.
On the far side of the parking lot is a somber stone building with a small sign next to the door reading SISTERS OF MERCY.
He climbs the steps and rings the bell.
The door is answered by a nun in a long black habit who asks, "What may we do for you, my son?"
He answers, "I saw your signs along the highway, and was interested in possibly doing some business."
"Very well, my son. Please follow me."
He is led through many winding passages is soon quite disoriented. The nun stops at a closed door, and tells the man, "Please knock on this door."
He does as he is told and his knock is answered by another nun dressed in a long habit and holding a tin cup.
This nun instructs, "Please place $50 in the cup, then go through the large wooden door at the end of this hallway."
He gets $50 out of his wallet and places it in the second nun's cup. He trots eagerly down the hall and slips through the door, pulling it shut behind him.
As the door locks behind him, he finds himself back in the parking lot, facing another small sign which reads:
GO IN PEACE, YOU HAVE JUST BEEN SCREWED BY THE SISTERS OF MERCY.
How a Cat's Brain Works (from Marian):