From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

I don't know about you, but I could use a good laugh today. Let's see what the Rowdies plopped in my mail bag while I was gone:

From the Sweetheart of Shell Knob, MO:

Little known fact. Did you Know?

A study conducted by UCLA's Department of Psychiatry has revealed that the kind of male face a woman finds attractive can differ depending on where she is in her menstrual cycle.

For instance, if she is ovulating, she is attracted to men with rugged and masculine features.

However, if she is menstruating, or menopausal, she is more prone to be attracted to a man with scissors lodged in his temple and a bat jammed up his ass while he is on fire.
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A brief lesson in Chicago-ese:

1. Grachki (grach'-key): Chicagoese for "garage key" as in, "Yo, Theresa, waja do wit da grachki? Howmy supposta cut da grass if I don't git intada grach?"

2. Uptadaendada(up-ta-da-en'-dada): As in, "Joey, you kin ride yur bike uptadaendada alley but not acrost or I'll bust yur butt."

3. Sammich: Chicagoese for sandwich. When made with sausage, it's a sassage sammich; when made with shredded beef, it's an Italian Beef sammich, a local delicacy consisting of piles of spicy meat in a perilously soggy bun.

4. Da: This article is a key part of Chicago speech, as in "Da Bears" or "Da Mare" -- the latter denoting Richard M. Daley, or Richie, as he's often called.

5. Jewels: Not family heirlooms or a tender body region, but a popular name for one of the region's dominant grocery store chains. "I'm goin' to da Jewels to pick up some sassage."

6. Field's: Marshall Field, a prominent Chicago department store. Also Carson Pirie Scott, another major department store chain, is simply called "Carson's."

7. Tree: The number between two and four. "We were lucky dat we only got tree inches of snow da udder night."

8. Prairie: A vacant lot, especially one on which weeds are growing.

9. Over by dere: Translates to "over by there," a way of emphasizing a site presumed familiar to the listener. As in, "I got the sassage at da Jewels down on Kedzie, over by dere."

10. Kaminski Park: The mispronounced name of the ball! park where the Chicago White Sox (da Sox) play baseball. Comiskey Park was recently renamed U.S. Cellular Field (yuck!).

11. Frunchroom: As in, "Getouttada frunchroom wit dose muddy shoes." It's not the "parlor." It's not the "living room." In the land of the bungalow it's the "frunchroom," a named derived, linguists believe, from "front room."

12. Use: Not the verb, but the plural pronoun "you." "Where's use goin'?"

13. Downtown: Anywhere near The Lake, south of The Zoo (Lincoln Park= Zoo) and north of Soldier Field.

14. The Lake: Lake Michigan. (What other lake is there?) It's often used by local weathermen, "cooler by The Lake."

15. Boys Town: A section on Halsted between Belmont and Addison which is lined with gay bars both sides of the street. "Didn't I see use in Boys Town in front of da Manhole?"

16. Braht:: Short for Bratwurst. "Gimme a braht wit kraut."

17. Cashbox: Traffic reporter slang for tollbooths. "Dere's a delay at da cashbox on da Skyway."

18. Goes: Past or present tense of the verb "say." For example, "Then he goes, 'I like this place'!"

19. Guys: Used when addressing two or more people, regardless of each individual's gender.

20. Pop: A soft drink. Don't say "soda" in this town. "Do ya wanna cannapop?"

21. Sliders: Nickname for hamburgers from White Castle, a popular Midwestern burger chain. "Dose sliders I had last night gave me da runs."

22. The Taste: The Taste of Chicago Festival, a huge extravaganza in Grant Park featuring samples of Chicagoland cuisine which takes place each year around the Fourth of July holiday.

23. "Jieetyet?": Translates to, "Did you eat yet?"

24. Winter and Construction: Punch line to the joke, "What are the two seasons in Chicago?"

25. Cuppa Too-Tree: is Chicagoese for "a couple, two, three" which really means "a few." For example, "Hey Mike, dere any beerz left in da cooler over by dere?" "Yeh, a cuppa too-tree."

26. 588-2300: Chicago knows this commercial jingle and the carpet company you'll get if you call that number -- Empire!27.

Junk Dror: You will usually find the 'junk drawer' in the kitchen filled to the brim with miscellaneous, but very important, junk.

28. Southern Illinois: Anything south of I-80.29.

Expressways: The Interstates in the immediate Chicagoland area areusually known just by their 'name' and not their Interstate number: the Dan Ryan ("the Ryan"), the Stevenson, the Kennedy, the Eisenhower (the "Ike"), and the Edens.

30. Gym Shoes: The rest of the country may refer to them as sneakers or running shoes but Chicagoans will always call them gym shoes!
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From Marian:

An 80 year old man went to the doctor for a checkup and the doctor was amazed at what good shape the guy was in. The doctor asked, "To what do you attribute your good health?"

The old timer said, "I'm a pilot and that's why I'm in such good shape. I 'm up well before daylight and out flying up and down the countryside."

The doctor said, "Well, I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it. How old was your dad when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my dad's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your dad's still alive? How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 100 yrs old and, in fact, he flew next to me this morning in his own airplane. That's why he's still alive... he's a pilot!"

The doctor said, "Well, that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it. How about your dad's dad? How old was he when he died?"

The old timer said, "Who said my grandpa's dead?" The doctor said, "You mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! How old is he?"

The old timer said, "He's 118 yrs old."

The doctor was getting frustrated at this point and said, "I guess he went flying with you this morning too?"

The old timer said, "No...Grandpa couldn't go this morning because he got married."

The Doctor said in amazement, "Got married!! Why would a 118-year-old guy want to get married?"

The old timer said, "Who said he wanted to?"
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From Elizabeth:

How quick are you on that mouse button?
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The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out would win the money. Many people had tried over time (professional wrestlers, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.

One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, "I'd like to try the bet."

After the laughter had died down, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the dried, wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.

But the crowd's laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and SIX drops fell into the glass.

As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, "What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?

"The man replied, "I work for the IRS."
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A hamburger walked into a bar, climbed up onto a bar stool, looked at the bartender and ordered a tall cold beer.

The bartender looked at the hamburger for a moment and replied, "I'm sorry sir, but I can't sell you that drink."

"Why can't you sell me a drink?"

After looking at the hamburger for another moment, the bartender replied, "I'm sorry, we don't serve food in here."
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From Nancy V.:

Maude and Claude, both 91, lived in a retirement community. They met in their social center and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and much to his delight, she accepted.

They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town, and, despite his age, Claude was still a charmer.

Afterward Claude asked Maude to join him at his place for an after dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and age being no inhibitor Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay.

As they were basking in the after glow of the magic moment they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts.

Claude was thinking: "If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been more gentle."

Maude was thinking: "If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose."
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Why God made Moms (Answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions. )

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out of there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me. He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones. Then they mostly use string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background. Like is he a crook? Does he get drunk on beer?
3. Does he make at least $800 a year? Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world. And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom. You can tell by room inspection. She sees the stuff under the bed.
3. I guess Mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work & work at home, & dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller & stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friend's.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect. Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet. You know, her hair. I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean. I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter. Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.
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The Sermon

"Dear Lord," he began with arms extended and a rapturous look on his upturned face, "without you, we are but dust..."

He would have continued, but at that moment one very obedient little girl (who was listening carefully for a change!) leaned over to her mother and asked quite audibly in her shrill little girl voice, "Mommy, WHAT is butt dust?"

Church was pretty much over at that point...
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Cookie Recipe

1... Look in cookbook for cookie recipe.
2... Get cup of coffee.
3... Get cat off of cookbook.
4... Find that special recipe.
5... Get cat's nose out of coffee mug.
6... Go to fridge and get eggs.
7... Get dry ingredients from cupboard.
8... Break eggs in small bowl.
9... Sift dry ingredients into a large bowl.
10.. Answer the phone.
11.. Cat ate eggs; get more from fridge.
12.. Get cat out of flour bowl and dust cat off.
13.. Get Band-Aids for scratches on hands.
14.. Throw flour out and get more.
15.. Preheat oven for cookies.
16.. Glare at cat with desire to bake cat now.
17.. Watch cat run for cover into bathroom.
18.. Flour the counter to roll out cookie dough.
19.. Run to bathroom to investigate loud crashing sound.
20.. Cat has toilet paper all over floor and your personal bathroom things have been knocked over on top of the counter.
21.. Yell at cat. Cat falls in toilet bowl.
22.. Take cat out of toilet to dry cat off.
23.. Get bandages to cover more scratches on arms and legs.
24.. Clean up bathroom.
25.. Run to kitchen to see what cat is doing now.
26.. Get cat off floured counter in kitchen.
27.. Try to pick cat hairs out of flour.
28.. Step on cat's tail and get bitten in ankle.
29.. Get coat, car keys, cat, and drive to store to buy cookies.
30.. Squeeze cat through partially open window into a stranger's car at the store parking lot.
31.. Eat most of the cookies on the way home.

--author unknown
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