Bus Fumes

Baldilocks has started a new Monday meme -- Pet Peeve Mondays.

Today's post struck hit home with me, as I routinely assist my company's receptionist with telephone and reception duties during her lunch and break periods. She's correct. There's no such thing as telephone etiquette any more.

Peeve No.1 -- A hint to telemarketers and collection agencies everywhere

If you call a number and an operator answers, giving you the name of the company and asking how he or she might assist you, it's really not smart to ask, "Is [formal first name] there?"

You've already given yourself away. You're going straight to voice mail hell... if I don't drop the call accidentally on purpose, first. Part of my job is to get rid of pesky people like you; I'm good at it, and I take great pleasure in doing so.

Peeve No. 2 -- A hint to children of employees

Asking, "Is my dad/mom there?" before identifying yourself and your parent is not helpful. Clearly you have the only parent in the place; therefore, the rest of us must be non-breeders. Show a little respect. We may be non-breeders, but we are your elders.

Peeve No. 3 -- A hint to our regular receptionist's family and friends

Our receptionist has very regimented morning, lunch and afternoon breaks. She's had the same break schedule for 20+ years. Don't call five minutes after the start of her break, be rude to whomever has to deliver the message that you just missed her (this happens 3-4 times daily), and then hang up with a bang. Learn your sister's/friend's damn schedule already. And then use it.

To Nos. 1, 2 and 3 above, when you call someone at their place of business:

1. Identify yourself by your first and last name and the company you are calling from (if you are calling on business) or relationship to the person requested (if its personal business).
2. If you think for a moment your name might be difficult for the receptionist to pronounce, spell your name out for him/her.
   
3. Identify the person you wish to speak with by first and last name.
4. Be polite at all times.

Pet Peeve No. 4 -- United Airline's convoluted electronic, press-a-number telephone answering system

Dear United Airline,

Your answering service for making reservations via telephone SUCKS.

1. That recording guy's voice is like fingernails on a blackboard. That stupid tick-tock noise he does when the system is searching for data makes me want to reach through the telephone and strangle someone.
2. Did you have to put so many prompts into the automated system? I can bake an apple pie from scratch with fewer instructions and in less time than it takes to get to a real person on your system.
3. For God's sake, quit outsourcing your operators to India. I want someone who speaks American English to help me. I don't care how polite your reservationist is; what I do care about is speaking with someone who actually understands me so I can get my business done quickly, get off the damned phone and get some real work done.
   
4. Couldn't you at least have live operator assistance for you Platinum Plus members? It's irritating as hell for people at that level to bounce around like Tron in your telephone system. These are your best customers, for cripe's sake!
5. If I billed you for the time my boss and every other Platinum Plus member alone and/or their executive assistants every spend on the phone trying to get through your stupid system, we could bankrupt you in a week. It's rude, disrespectful and a huge waste of time and money from your customers' standpoints.
   
6. Oh. I forgot. You don't give a rat's ass about your customers, do you?
7. Due to all of the above, the only exception I make for being rude is for anyone who has had to slog through your unwieldy and exasperating system. Your reservationists should expect unhappy campers. Every time.
   

That's all for now. (What did happen to manners, anyway?)