From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

The Sweetheart of Shell Knob, MO sent these Zen Thoughts for the Day:

1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just pretty much leave me the hell alone. (Especially if you're editing the document from hell in red ink again.)

2. The journey of a thousand miles begin with a broken fan belt and a leaking tire.

3. It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.

4. Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.

5. Don't be irreplaceable. If you cannot be replaced, you cannot be promoted.

6. No one is listening until you fart.

7. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.

8. Never test the depth of the water with both feet.

9. If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.

10. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them you're a mile away and you have their shoes.

11. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

12. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

13. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.

14. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.

15. Some days you are the bug; some days you are the windshield.

16. Don't worry; it only seems kinky the first time.

17. Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.

18. The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.

19. A closed mouth gathers no foot.

20. Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.

21. There are two theories to arguing with women. Neither one works.

22. Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.

23. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.

24. Never miss a good chance to shut up.

25. We are born naked, wet, hungry, and get slapped on our butt.... Then things get worse.

26. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

27. There is a fine line between "hobby" and "mental illness."

28. No matter what happens, somebody will find a way to take it too seriously.

29. There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday..........around age 11.

30. Everyone seems normal until you get to know them.

31. THE MOST WASTED DAY OF ALL IS THE ONE IN WHICH WE HAVE NOT LAUGHED.
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TSOSKM and Nancy V., old Chicagoans both, sent this little quiz:

OLD-TIME CHICAGOAN QUIZ

(1) Name all five of Riverview's roller coasters.
(2) What was the former name of Martin Luther King Drive?
(3) How many times was Richard J. Daley (the "Old Man") elected mayor?
(4) Identify any two candidates who lost to this Daley.
(5) What is an alewife?
(6) What did Jack Brickhouse yell when the Cubs hit a home run?
(7) Name -- in order -- the three papers Mike Royko wrote for.
(8) What gasoline chain had Dino the Dinosaur as a mascot?
(9) Which of Bill Veeck's legs was the peg-leg?
(10) Identify Resurrection Mary.
(11) Why was 1340 North State Parkway a famous address?
(12) Who was Uncle Johnny Coons?
(13) What car dealer was the "Home of the Backward K?"
(14) Name the announcer of TV bowling at Faetz-Niesen.
(15) What was a Green Hornet?
(16) Where were the Stock Yards located?
(17) What type of store was Morris B. Sachs?
(18) If he wasn't doing Riverview commercials, what was Two-Ton Baker! 's profession?
(19) What Catholic archbishop has a suburb named after him?
(20) What business had the phone number MOhawk 4-4100?
(21) Identify one Chicago street that was part of U.S. Route 66.
(22) Name the sponsor of TV wrestling who was killed by an unhappy customer.
(23) What was the last home stadium of the Chicago Cardinals? And where did they play before that?
(24) Name one locally brewed Chicago beer -- recent brew pubs do not count.
(25) Before Circle, where was the Chicago campus of the University of Illinois?
(26) Where did the Beatles perform on their first trip to Chicago?
(27) Which defunct grocery chain gave S & H Green Stamps?
(28) Name the boxing champ who gave his name to a local milk company.
(29) Where was the Army Induction Center located?
(30) How many inches of snow fell in the January 1967 blizzard?
(31) Who wore an Uncle Sam suit, and was always a losing candidate for public office?
(32) What public building was often called simply "Eleventh and State?"
(33) Where did Andy the Clown hang out?
(34) Name the TV show that was the source of the catchphrase "Right Here, Harv."
(35) Who were the Lincoln Park Pirates?
(36) What was the old name of the Brown Line 'EL?
(37) Where was Skip's located?
(38) What do the call letters of Channel 11 -- WTTW -- stand for?
(39) Where was Skid Row?
(40) Name two Illinois governors who served time in prison.

No cheating and looking at the answers first!!!

Here are the answers ....
1. Bobs, Silver Streak, Comet, Fireball (formerly the Blue Streak), Flying Turns. [No, the Wild Mouse was not a real roller coaster.]
2. South Park Avenue
3. Six
4. Pick two -- Merriam, Sheehan, Adamowski, Waner, Friedman, Hoellen.
5. Fish [Notorious for heaving themselves on the shores of Lake Michigan to die and stink up the place for weeks on end.]
6. "Hey-Hey!"
7. Daily News, Sun-Times, Tribune
8. Sinclair
9. Right leg
10. Famous ghost haunting the Southwest suburbs
11. Playboy mansion
12. Host of 1950s kids' TV show
13. Nickey Chevrolet
14. Whispering Joe Wilson
15. Streetcar
16. Halsted near 43rd Street
17. Men's Wear Clothing
18. Band leader and piano player
19. George Cardinal Mundelein
20. C.E.T. (early TV dealer)
21. Ogden, Adams, Jackson
22. Sid Fohrman
23. Soldier Field and before then, Comiskey Park
24. Old Chicago, Meister Brau, Tavern Pale, Drewrys, Edelweiss, etc.
25. Navy Pier
26. Comiskey Park
27. National Foods
28. Joe Louis
29. Van Buren and Des Plaines streets
30. 27 inches
31. Lar "America First" Daly
32. Central Police Headquarters
33. Comiskey Park
34. Bozo's Circus
35. Lincoln Towing
36. Ravenswood
37. North Avenue near First Avenue
38. Window To The World
39. Madison Street, from Clinton to Halsted
40. Kerner and Walker

SCORES

31-40 points -- EXPERT: In the next election, you get to vote three times instead of only twice.

21-30 points -- JOURNEYMAN: When it snows, you may save a parking space with furniture.

11-20 points -- APPRENTICE: You probably put ketchup on your hot dog.

0-10 points -- TOURIST: Go back to Milwaukee!
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Negative People

This is something to think about when negative people are doing their best to rain on your parade. So remember this story the next time someone, who knows nothing and cares less, makes your life miserable.

A woman was at her hairdresser's getting her hair styled for a trip to Rome with her boyfriend. She mentioned the trip to the hairdresser, who responded, "Rome? Why would anyone want to go there? It's crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You're crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?"

"We're taking Continental," was the reply. "We got a great rate!"

"Continental!?" exclaimed the hairdresser. "That's a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly, and they're always late. So, where are you staying in Rome?"

"We'll be at this exclusive little place over on Rome's Tiber River called Teste."

"Don't go any further. I know that place. Everybody thinks it's gonna be something special and exclusive, but it's really a dump, the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly, and they're overpriced. So, whatcha doing when you get there?"

"We're going to go to see the Vatican and we hope to see the Pope."

"That's rich." laughed the hairdresser. "You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on this lousy trip of yours. You're going to need it."

A month later, the woman again came in for a hairdo. The hairdresser asked her about her trip to Rome. "It was wonderful," explained the woman. "Not only were we on time in one of Continental's brand new planes, but it was overbooked and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a handsome 28-year-old steward who waited on me hand and foot. And the hotel was great! They'd just finished a $5 million remodeling job, and now it's a jewel, the finest hotel in the city. They, too, were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us their owner's suite at no extra charge!"

"Well," muttered the hairdresser, "That's all well and good, but I know you didn't get to see the Pope."

"Actually, we were quite lucky, because, as we toured the Vatican, a Swiss Guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained that the Pope likes to meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into his private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, five minutes later, the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand! I knelt down and he spoke a few words to me."

"Oh, really? What did he say?"

He said, "Where'd you get the shitty hairdo?"
_____

My pal Dick -- who never sends ANYTHING -- sent this:

AIN'T LIFE GREAT? Why Men Are Just Happier People

What do you expect from such simple creatures?

Your last name stays put.
The garage is all yours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
You can be president.
You can never be pregnant.
You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park.
You can wear NO T-shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell you the truth.
The world is your urinal.
You never have to drive to another gas station restroom because this one is just too icky.
You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Same work, more pay.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental -- $100.
People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
One mood-all the time.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
You know stuff about tanks.
A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.
You can open all your own jars.
You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
If someone forgets to invite you, he or she can still be your friend.
Your underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
You almost never have strap problems in public.
You are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
Everything on your face stays its original colour.
The same hair style lasts for years, maybe decades.
You only have to shave your face and neck.
You can play with toys all your life.
Your belly usually hides your big hips.
One wallet and one pair of shoes one colour for all seasons.
You can wear shorts no matter how your legs look.
You can "do" your nails with a pocket-knife.
You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.

No wonder men are happier!
_____

And Marian sends this:

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery. The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left."

"Would you care to do it again?" he asks her.

"Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you shit on its head."
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Again from Nancy V., The Final Word on Nutrition:

For those of you who watch what you eat, here's the final word on nutrition and health. It's a relief to know the truth after all those conflicting medical studies.

1. The Japanese eat very little fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
2. The Mexicans eat a lot of fat and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
3. The Chinese drink very little red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
4. The Italians drink excessive amounts of red wine and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.
5. The Germans drink a lot of beers and eat lots of sausages and fats and suffer fewer heart attacks than us.

CONCLUSION: Eat and drink what you like. Speaking English is apparently what kills you.
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