From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

Elizabeth loves to make me laugh:

Yes, So can I, Now

A spaceship from the planet Zong, lands in Iowa in the middle of the night. The farm town is deserted as the aliens descend from their ship. They wander around for a while until they come across a garage and what they perceive to be intelligent life - a free standing gas pump.

The chief Zong greets the gas pump, "Greetings, I am Zong, a Zong from the planet Zong. We have come in our spaceship, to meet Earth people. Take me to your leader."

The Zong receives no reply, so he repeats his demands using shorter words: "Take me to your leader."

The gas pump, not surprisingly, says nothing.

By now, the short tempered Zong captain is getting a bit annoyed at being ignored. He levels his ray gun at the gas pump, much to the distress of his first mate, and demands, "Take me to your leader, insolent scum, or I will blow you to pieces!"

Of course, the gas pump remains silent.

His Zongian shipmates try to restrain him, but their leader fires. There is an almighty explosion as the gas pump burst into a huge ball of flames and the crew are hurled hundreds of feet in the air. They land in a nearby field with a bump.

"What the hell happened?" shouted the Zong captain.

"I tried to warn you, "said the first mate, "You just don't mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around his waist and stick it in his ear."
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I'm with Pejman on this issue. It's the only thing I'll miss about it, though.
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Strange English For Tourists

Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."

Hotel, Acapulco: "THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE."

Dry cleaners, Bangkok: "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.

In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."

On the grounds of a private school: "NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION."

On a highway: "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."

On a poster at Kencom: "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."

In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.

A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: "DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."

In a Pumwani maternity ward: "NO CHILDREN ALLOWED."

In a cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."

Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."

In a Tokyo bar: "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."

Hotel brochure, Italy: "THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE."

Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."

In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."

Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"

In the window on a Swedish furrier: "FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN."

Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."

A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME." [Wait! Isn't that sign actually hanging on Acid Dude's front door?]
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My friend Rosemary sent this:

Teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"

Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"

The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited outside the office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"

Harry: "9"

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"

Harry: "36"

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her,"I think Harry can go to the third-grade."

The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agree.

Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"

Harry: "Legs"

Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Harry: "Pockets"

Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Harry: "Pants"

Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)

Harry: "Coconut"

Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"

Harry: "Bubblegum"

Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"

Harry: "Shake hands"

Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I? sort of questions, okay?"

Harry: "Yup"

Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do"

Harry: "Tent"

Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first" (The principal was looking restless and bit tense)

Harry: "Wedding Ring"

Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good"

Harry: "Nose"

Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver"

Harry: "Arrow"

Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"

Harry: "Firetruck"

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
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A Fabulous Fish Tale

One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said, "Wow, what a goddamn fish!"

The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't talk to me like that, I'm a nun!" and the man said, "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish."

So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said, "Mother Superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught."

The Mother Superior said, "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!"

And the sister said, "But Mother Superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish."

The Mother Superior said, "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the Monsignor walked in and she said, "Monsignor, look at the goddamn fish that sister caught."

The Monsignor said "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!" and the Mother Superior said,"But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish."

So the Monsignor said, "Well, give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it."

That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish."

The Sister said I caught goddamn fish."

And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the goddamn fish."

And the Monsignor said, "I cooked the goddamn fish."

And the new priest said, "I like this fucking place already!!"
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