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No more hanging chad problems for Florida. Click here to see the great new electronic voting system Governor Jeb's staff has set up. In fact, you can even cast your vote now by clicking in the box of your choice to insert an "X", and your vote will be tabulated in advance to help officials determine the outcome earlier.
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Speaking of the upcoming elections, here's one way to ensure more people get out and vote!
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AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT PASSES CONGRESS (Very Important Message!!!) Aug 25, 2005
WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans with No Abilities Act (AWNAA), signed into law by President John Kerry shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Kerry, a longtime AWNA supporter.
"This is why many of them voted for me. We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing," said Kerry.
President Kerry pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability. Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). President Kerry has also set an example, personally selecting hundreds of Non-abled people for top government positions, including many cabinet-level jobs.
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" and "Are you awake?"
"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me."
With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Kerry, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."
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A little ghost humor for Halloween:
A professor at Texas A&M University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asked, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raised their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who blieve in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raised their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raised their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raised their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever had sex with a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raised his hand. The professor took off his glasses and said, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have had sex with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor said, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
Bubba replied, "Shee-yit! From way back thar, I thought y'all said 'goats'."
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Deborah says, "Okay, Okay, it finally all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:"
MENtal illness
MENstrual cramps
MENtal breakdown
MENopause
GUYnocologist .
AND .....
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
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Chinese Jews?
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter." When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know, sir. Let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He quickly returned and said, "No sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied, and went back into the kitchen.
While he was gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews!"
"Sir, I ask everyone," the exasperated waiter replied. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews... but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"
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Elizabeth must know Acidman hates cats, because she sent these instructions:
How to Clean Your Toilet the Fun Way!
1. Lift toilet lid and seat and add 1/8 cup pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up cat and pet him soothingly as you carry him to the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, insert cat into toilet bowl, close lid and seat. (You may need to stand on the lid.)
4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the strange noises coming from the toilet bowl. Your cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides "power wash" and "rinse" cycles.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure there is nothing and nobody between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Wedge yourself as far behind the toilet as you can. Quickly lift lid and seat together.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and bolt outside to dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Sincerely,
The Dog
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Nancy V. sends us this Dress Code for Senior Citizens:
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided at all cost:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least, my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
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Unhappy about the outsourcing trend? Marian says to go here and click on the Indian guy.
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Old Geezer Jokes:
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
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A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a newhearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
" Twelve thirty."
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Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
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A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
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Barrie wants you to know:
"Today is International Very Good Looking Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking Damn Smart Woman! Good motto to live by: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Chocolate in one hand - martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO - What a Ride!' Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away."
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This is a story about a couple who have been happily married for 40 years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he woke up.
Every morning his wife would plead with him to stop because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it, and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would, quite literally, blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to start every day the same way.
Then, one Thanksgiving morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey giblets and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep, gently pulled back the bed covers, lifted up the elastic waistband of his shorts and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his boxer shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband wake up with his usual trumpeting, followed by a blood-curding scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes. After years of torture she reckoned that she had got him back.
Twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained shorts with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened!"
"But...by the grace of God, ..and some Vaseline, I think I got most of them back in."
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Sick of New Yorkers
Four men are driving cross-country together: one from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Florida, and one from New York.
A short way down the road, the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window. The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the heck are you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these darned things in Idaho - they're laying all over the ground - I"m sick of looking at them!"
A few miles further down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Florida asks, "What are you doing that for?"
The man from Iowa replies, "Man we have so many of these darned things in Iowa - I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
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In the beginning...
... God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...
At this point God created Hell.
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Robert found out what your computer is up to in your absence.
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Jeff from Beautiful Atrocities pointed me towards this compendium of weird and wacky wedding attire. Atrocious, indeed!
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Whoohoo! (I don't know about you, but I'm always up for a new Mel Brooks comedy.)
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Ha ha ha hahahahahahahahaaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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Zonker points out the 5 stages of drunkeness. Recognize any of these?
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