Leslie's Omnibus

From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

From Elizabeth:

One of the local television stations in South Louisiana aired an interview with a black woman from New Orleans. The interviewer was a woman from a Boston affiliate. She asked the woman how such total and complete devastation of the churches in the area had affected their lives.

Without hesitation, the woman replied, "I don't know about all those other people, but we haven't gone to Churches in years. We get our chicken from Popeye's."

The look on the interviewer's face was priceless.


Also from Elizabeth:


"A slipping gear could let your M203 grenade launcher fire when you
least expect it. That would make you quite unpopular in what's left of your unit."
- Army's magazine of preventive maintenance.
"Aim towards the Enemy."
Instruction printed on US Rocket Launcher
"When the pin is pulled, Mr. Grenade is not our friend.”
- U.S. Marine Corps
"Cluster bombing from B-52s are very, very accurate. The bombs are guaranteed to always hit the ground."
- USAF Ammo Troop
"If the enemy is in range, so are you."

- Infantry Journal
"It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just bombed."
- U.S. Air Force Manual
"Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never encountered automatic weapons."
- General Macarthur
"Try to look unimportant; they may be low on ammo."
- Infantry Journal
"You, you, and you .. Panic. The rest of you, come with me."
- U.S. Marine Corp Gunnery Sgt.
"Tracers work both ways." - U.S. Army Ordnance
- -----------------------------------------------------
"Five second fuses only last three seconds."
- Infantry Journal
"Don't ever be the first, don't ever be the last, and don't ever volunteer to do anything."
- U.S. Navy Swabbie
"Bravery is being the only one who knows you're afraid."
- David Hackworth
"If your attack is going too well, you're walking into an ambush."
- Infantry Journal
- --------------------------------------------------------
"No combat-ready unit has ever passed inspection."

- Joe Gay
---- --------------------------------------------------
"Any ship can be a minesweeper .. Once."
"Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do."
- Unknown Marine Recruit
"Don't draw fire; it irritates the people around you."
- Your Buddies
"If you see a bomb technician running, follow him."
- USAF Ammo Troop
"Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death, I Shall Fear No Evil. For I am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing."
- At the entrance to the old SR-71 operating base Kadena, Japan
"You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3."
- Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)
"The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire."
"Blue water Navy truism: There are more planes in the ocean than submarines in the sky."
- From an old carrier sailor
"If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe."
"When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash."
"Without ammunition, the USAF would be just another expensive flying club."
"What is the similarity between air traffic controllers and pilots? If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies."
"Never trade luck for skill."
The three most common expressions (or famous last words) in aviation are: "Why is it doing that?", "Where are we?" And "Oh S...!"
"Weather forecasts are horoscopes with numbers."
"Progress in airline flying: now a flight attendant can get a pilot pregnant."
"Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully complete the flight."
"A smooth landing is mostly luck; two in a row is all luck; three in a row is prevarication."
"I remember when sex was safe and flying was dangerous."
"Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!"
"Flashlights are tubular metal containers kept in a flight bag for the purpose of storing dead batteries."
"Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it."
"The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill you."
- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)
"A pilot who doesn't have any fear probably isn't flying his plane to its maximum"
- Jon McBride, astronaut
"If you're faced with a forced landing, fly the thing as far into the crash as possible."
- Bob Hoover (renowned aerobatic and test pilot)
"Never fly in the same cockpit with someone braver than you."
"There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime"
- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970
"If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to."
Basic Flying Rules: "Try to stay in the middle of the air. Do not go near the edges of it.
The edges of the air can be recognized by the appearance of ground, buildings, sea, trees
and interstellar space. It is much more difficult to fly there."
"You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full power to taxi to the terminal."
As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft, having torn off the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives, the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot and asks "What happened?". The pilot's reply: "I don't know, I just got here myself!"
- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)


From my friend Fenian:

It has been known for many years that sex was good exercise, but until now nobody had made a scientific study of the caloric expenditure of different sexual activities. Now after "original and proprietary" research a team of scientists proudly presents its results:


With consent.................................12 Calories

Without consent........................2187 Calories


With both hands.................................8 Calories

With one hand...................................12 Calories

With your teeth................................485 Calories


With an erection................................... 6 Calories

Without an erection........................ 3315 Calories


Missionary....................................... 12 Calories

69 lying down.................................... 78 Calories

69 standing up.................................8812 Calories

Wheelbarrow....................................216 Calories

Doggy Style......................................326 Calories

Italian chandelier............................2912 Calories

ORGASMS (hers):

Real..................................................112 Calories

Fake................................................1315 Calories


Lying in bed hugging............................18 Calories

Getting up immediately.........................36 Calories

Explaining why you got up immediately.......816 Calories


10-19 years................................... 20 calories

20-29 years.................................... 36 Calories

30-39 years.................................... 80 Calories

40-49 years....................................124 Calories

50-59 years...................................1972 Calories

60-69 years...................................7916 Calories

70 and over.................Results are still pending


Calmly.........................................................32 Calories

In a hurry......................................................98 Calories

With her father knocking at the door...........5218 Calories

With your wife knocking at the door..........13,521 Calories

Results may vary.




Quote of the day: "So feverish were the efforts I was performing with my lips that think I might have gotten to second base with my burrito. I eventually got the burrito back together again, but if this had gone on even one minute longer, I would have invented burrito-lingus."

Chipotle love -- it's a beautiful thing to behold.

Not me. I'm doing the happy dance on my desk, because I can finally watch Matt and Ann and Al again! Yay! She's GONE, baby, GONE!!!

Yep. This is about right:

You Are 32% Cynical

Generally you give people the benefit of the doubt. But there are exceptions.

You buy into many of the things that mainstream society believes, but you're not anybody's fool.

(A tip of the cap to Deb Solo.)

I'm certainly not ready to dive back into the dating pool (and we all know how much I love dating), but when I do get in the mood to do so, I'll be signing on to the Singular Manifesto. Be warned.

(A tip of the cap to Babs RN, who's obviously also felt the pain.)


Moody Mama is trying to raise $500 for the Leukemia & Lymphoma Society's Light the Night Walk.

As some of you know, The Princess Mom's battle with lung cancer is not the first time my family has dealt with cancer. My father died of leukemia several years ago.

$500 is really a modest goal. Even a $5 donation is a big help. Let's see if we can't help Angie not only meet, but exceed her goal.

Update: Looks like the goal is now $1000. Still very doable. If you've ever had leukemia touch the life of a family member or other loved one, you know how important this is.

Precious Cargo

TMPAE is growing like a weed. You can see why I've nicknamed her "Susie Bright Eyes."

We're all pretty well convinced that she's Gene Simmons' love child.

I can't believe I haven't posted a photo of her since October. Bad Auntie! Bad, bad Auntie!

Book Your Ticket

Since I've been parked out in marriage-and-baby-ville with my brother and SIL, I've been moseying back through a bunch of my mom's Readers' Digest Condensed books. Books that I used to swipe and burn through before my mom ever got a chance to crack a cover.

Right now I've got Volume 3, 1969 in my bag. I've already revisited Snatch, and am currently reading A Place in the Woods. I'd forgotten how much I enjoyed these books the first time around... and just what incredibly quick reads they are!

Books bring back lots of memories for me. I wish I had the set of books that were housed with our Encyclopedia Britanica for years -- "The Children's Classics". This is probably as close to the set we had as I've seen... but it has some books we didn't have, and lacks some books we did.

Missing? The Arabian Nights. Aesop's Fables. Black Beauty.

Did anyone else have these books with beautiful shiny oxblood leather bindings with a gold imprint of a boy's and girl's head in silhouette, along with the title of each volume? I'd sure love to find a set for TMBCITW and TMPAE, one of whom already loves bedtime stories.

A Peek Under the Hood

El Capitan did a 30-question meme-thingie about a week ago. Okay. I'll play:

1. Have you ever been searched by the cops?

2. Do you close your eyes on roller coaster?
Only sissies close their eyes on roller coasters. I LOVE roller coasters.

3. When's the last time you've been sledding?
Holy smokes! That has to be about 20 years ago, when my nephew was visiting me in New Hampshire. Guess I'll wax up the runners on the Flexible Flyer (and get a little more flexible my own self) and take TMBCITW sledding this coming winter. It's been entirely too long.

4. Would you rather sleep with someone else, or alone?
Aw, man! That's a tough question. If it's someone who likes to spoon, doesn't mind my cold feet and doesn't toss and turn a lot, then I guess I'd rather share sleeping space with someone else. If it's someone that doesn't meet any or all of the foregoing criteria, well... I'd rather sleep with The Divine Miss Marilyn.

5. Do you believe in ghosts?
I have a healthy skepticism of 'em, but that door's not entiredly closed.

6. Do you consider yourself creative?
I'm a blogger. 'Nuff said.

7. Do you think O.J. killed his wife?

8. Vince Vaughn or Brad Pitt? (Who cares about Jennifer Aniston or Angelina Jolie, really?)
Neither. Brian Dennehy. Now THERE's a sexy actor.

9. Can you honestly say you know ANYTHING about politics?
Enough to have me banging my head against the wall at the moment.

10. Do you know how to play poker?
Nope. I'm a lousy gambler. I have a marvelous poker face... but no poker skill.

11. Have you ever been awake for 48 hours straight?
Hasn't everybody?

12. What's your favorite commercial?
Current or classic? I grew up on commercials, and can still sing a zillion different jingles.

13. Who was your first love?
Billy McCluskey. We kissed in the laundry hamper playing Hide'n'Seek when we were 5 years old. We played house a LOT.

14. If you're driving in the middle of the night, and no one is around you, do you run a red light?
Absolutely not. See #10 above.

15. Do you have a secret that no one knows but you?
Just one?

16. Boston Red Sox or New York Yankees?
I'm originally a Beantown Betty. BoSox, of course!

17. Have you ever been Ice Skating?
Yes. I'm far less dangerous on blades than on wheels.

18. How often do you remember your dreams?
Less now that I've got the CPAP machine. I used to have dreams that lasted from the moment my eyes closed until half a second after I woke up. I never got much rest on those nights.

19. What's the one thing on your mind?
Right now? Finding a place to set down some roots. I've been living on shifting sands for too long.

20. Do you always wear your seat belt?
After breaking a steering wheel off the column with my chin and breastbone when I was in college, I've been fanatical about wearing my seatbelt. I'm picky about my passengers wearing them, too.

21. What talent do you wish you had?
I wish I had a talent with numbers. Complex mathematics perplex me.

22. Do you like Sushi?

23. What do you wear to bed?
This quiz has to have been written by a man. A woman knows that the answer to that question can change in a flash, based entirely on circumstances.

24. Do you truly hate anyone?
No. I would rather not give anyone that much control over my emotions.

25. If you could sleep with one famous person, who would it be?
Who says I haven't already? (And don't ask. See #15 above. I have a strict "don't tell" policy.)

26. Do you know anyone in jail?
Not at the moment.

27. What food do you find disgusting?
Stewed okra. I just don't like slimey food.

28. Have you ever made fun of your friends behind their back?
No. I was made fun of a lot as a kid, and I've never forgotten how lousy that feels.

29. Have you ever been punched in the face?

30. Do you believe in angels and demons?
TMBCITW is three years old. I've seen both -- in the blink of an eye. That's solid enough evidence for me!

Another Toot of the Horn

My Baby Blog Sis has just been accepted to nursing school. Please go over and offer your congratulations. She's worked very hard for this!

Traveling Companions

TMBCITW and The Divine Miss Marilyn become better pals every day.

(It's a tough life when your Godchild begs you to get out your camera and take a picture, please!)

On another note, The Divine Miss Marilyn is pestering the Dickens out of me to get her a bikini like this so that she can co-star in the next big Hollywood blockbuster with her favorite leading... cat.

She's always maintained that the Broccolis needed to resurrect the character of "Pussy Galore." Who better to fill the role?

For more animal goodness, go visit the Friday Ark, stop by eatstuff's weekend cat blogging, and take a stroll through the Carnival of the Cats at Niobium Sunday evening.

Tootin' the Horn

Head on over to Tammi's World and offer the girl some high fives, will ya? Can't think of anyone who deserves it more!


You Are Half Baked Ice Cream

In reality, you're just a quarter baked

Gee, thanks.

(A tip of the cap to Caltechgirl.)

Chapter Four in the latest Blog Novella is up! Go visit Silk for Beautiful Death.

I'm incredibly impressed by the level of difficulty in the assignment and the astonishing level of ability that each of these writers has brought to the table.

Return Volley

An open letter to Marc Grossman, Sr. Vice President of Corporate Communications, Hilton Hotels Corporation

Dear Mr. Grossman:

Thank you for your letter of May 15, 2006 regarding Hilton’s handling of the Fran O’Brien’s lease termination. Rather than firing off an immediate response, I chose to take a few days to do a little research and cool off before answering.

In the spirit of your request that I think about this issue “in an objective manner,” there are a number of troublesome questions that remain unanswered:

1. Have you or anyone else on Hilton’s Board of Directors, or their immediate families, ever served in the U.S. military? (Note: This may not seem relevant to you, but I think you will find that this is very relevant to anyone who has worn a uniform or has had a loved one wear a uniform.)

2. Did Hilton make any attempt to make arrangements/take responsibility for the Friday night dinners prior to termination of FOB’s lease? Prior to the blog and media storm that followed?

3. While you address the fact that the owners of FOB’s had not paid their rent in four months, Hilton has not addressed the issue of outstanding monies the Capital Hilton owed to FOB’s for room service meals provided to its guests, which, as I understand it, is in excess of the rent owed in the amount of nearly $8,500. How does Hilton respond to this?

4. Is it Hilton’s policy to only reimburse room service providers every 120 days at all its properties? Is Hilton in arrears with any other of its lessees of funds it may owe them?

5. Is it Hilton’s policy to raise rents by 100% for month-to-month lessees at all its properties?

6. Is it Hilton’s policy to require lessees to make upgrades to carpeting, upholstry, etc., without a signed lease? Obtain and pay for their own plumbers?

7. In your letter you allege that there were “numerous health and fire safety violations present in the restaurant that were in clear violation of the lease.”

a. Is it possible that you are referring to the injured veterans themselves, due to the fact that in event of a fire during one of the Friday night dinners, getting the wounded veterans out safely would be problematic and the Hilton – due to its lack of ADA compliance – might be liable for any further injuries?

b. In a recent search of public records regarding these allegations, the Non Partisan Pundit was unable to find any evidence of health or safety violations.

c. In a comment to this post, a Fran’s volunteer writes, “Fran O'Brien's wasn't cited with any health code violations. I spoke with the owner two hours ago about this. He has records.”

If the issue is not Hilton’s concern that having large numbers of disabled individuals in its non-ADA compliant property, what are these alleged violations?

8. Why is the former FOB’s space not ADA compliant? Will the space have to be made ADA compliant before a new tenant can take over the space? Whose responsibility is to make these upgrades? Are any other areas of the Capital Hilton ADA compliant?

9. Is it possible that the Capital Hilton’s General Manager, Brian Kelleher, has been less than forthcoming with Hilton Corporate management?

a. Again, see comments to this post: “As a frequent customer and Army veteran volunteer at the Friday Night Dinners for the wounded troops, the Hilton Corporation is believing the BS that lower, local management is telling them. Capital Hilton General Manager Brian Kelleher lied to my face when I question him on a few things.”

b. “I wonder if Mr. Grossman knows about the piles trash the Hilton put behind Fran's service door, among other stunts. Or the water leak from the Hilton restaurant above Fran O'Brien's that made Fran's lose business.” Was this reported to Corporate? Supported by Corporate?

c. From the Indepundit, “Kelleher's responses to our questions were blatant lies. Despite what Kelleher says, Hilton has done nothing to support the dinners... never met a bus, never contributed a cent, never negotiated for changes to bring the restaurant into ADA compliance, never advertised the restaurant or the dinners within their own hotel, never provided logistical support... in a word, they've done absolutely zip. In fact, Kelleher hides out in his office and has had no contact with Fran's owners.

d. From the Mudville Gazette, another volunteer states, “With the exception of this past Friday the Hilton has never helped out or been involved in any Friday Soldier dinner for the past 2 ½ years we have been doing this. It was comical this past week, they saved a parking spot for our bus, escorted us down to an elevator through a neatly cleaned coat closet and hallway where in the past we could barely get by because of all the mattresses and other hotel storage supplies in the way. The manger was even there holding an umbrella as wounded and family got off the bus. It was absolutely disgusting as I watched him look to see where the CBS and CNN cameras were pointing and run to get in the background to help like it was something he routinely did.

e. The emails and other correspondence I received from Mr. Kelleher were clearly “canned.” Was any of this correspondence approved by Corporate Communications before he sent it?

Mr. Grossman, I haven’t permanently jumped on the boycott bandwagon… yet. I do believe, sir, that Hilton is in a mess of its own making, and answers to these questions could go a long way towards clarifying how and why Hilton came to the decision to terminate the FOB’s lease. And, yes -- I'm boycotting until these questions are answered.

Your move, sir.


Leslie Spiller


Update: The Non Partisan Pundit has received a response to his FOIA request to the DC Fire & Emeregency Management division. It's not looking good for Hilton's claim that there were health and safety violations.


Yep. It's going to be one of those days:

Your Fortune Is

Support bacteria -- it's the only culture some people have!

(A tip of the cap to Little Joe.)

I had no idea that I shared a birth year with Alvin, Simon and Theodore.

Quote of the day: "As for the claim the Internet has revived the tradition of written communication... yeah, right. And Jerry Springer has revived reasoned discourse and open debate."


You are 42% Rational, 57% Extroverted, 42% Brutal, and 42% Arrogant.
You are the Hippie! Characterized by a strong sense of extroversion, irrationality, gentleness, humility, and a faint scent of marijuana, you no doubt frolic through fields preaching peace and free love! Immediately following that, you then frolic to the hospital with herpes! You are probably either very spiritual or needlessly paranoid about "the man", like most hippies, as a result of your focus on intuition and feelings over cold, brutal logic. You probably enjoy poetry, especially beatnik ultra-liberal crap about how horrible fascism is, even though your suburbanized, sheltered idea of "fascism" is having to pay two dollars per gallon at the gas pump. You are also very, very social. And like any hippie who would have no qualms about hitchhiking across the country just to meet some interesting people, you also love to interact with others, even complete strangers. Though I highly doubt they love to interact with you! Because we know most any hippie is peace-loving and humble, it stands to reason that you, as well, are terribly gentle and humble, almost to the point of revulsion. Your carefree attitude of peace and harmony is probably very, very sickening to realists or cynics or anyone who isn't a hippie, to tell the truth. In short, your personality is defective because you are overly emotional, extroverted, gentle, and humble--thus making you an annoying hippie. Now go do your drugs and have sex with filthy bearded men in tie-dye shirts.

To put it less negatively:

1. You are more INTUITIVE than rational.

2. You are more EXTROVERTED than introverted.

3. You are more GENTLE than brutal.

4. You are more HUMBLE than arrogant.


Your exact opposite is the Sociopath.

Other personalities you would probably get along with are the Hand-Raiser, the Televangelist, and the Robot.



If you scored near fifty percent for a certain trait (42%-58%), you could very well go either way. For example, someone with 42% Extroversion is slightly leaning towards being an introvert, but is close enough to being an extrovert to be classified that way as well. Below is a list of the other personality types so that you can determine which other possible categories you may fill if you scored near fifty percent for certain traits.

The other personality types:

The Emo Kid: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Starving Artist: Intuitive, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Bitch-Slap: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Brute: Intuitive, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hippie: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Televangelist: Intuitive, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Schoolyard Bully: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Class Clown: Intuitive, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Robot: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Haughty Intellectual: Rational, Introverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Spiteful Loner: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Sociopath: Rational, Introverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

The Hand-Raiser: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Humble.

The Braggart: Rational, Extroverted, Gentle, Arrogant.

The Capitalist Pig: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Humble.

The Smartass: Rational, Extroverted, Brutal, Arrogant.

Be sure to take my Sublime Philosophical Crap Test if you are interested in taking a slightly more intellectual test that has just as many insane ramblings as this one does!

My test tracked 4 variables How you compared to other people your age and gender:
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on Rationality
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on Extroversion
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on Brutality
free online datingfree online dating
You scored higher than 99% on Arrogance
Link: The Personality Defect Test written by saint_gasoline on OkCupid Free Online Dating, home of the 32-Type Dating Test
Okay, maybe this was true back in the '70s....

(A tip of the cap to LL.)

Watching the ACLU shoot itself in the foot is amusing the hell out of me. They certainly are taking liberties... but they are in no way civil.

Just so:

You Are Fish

You have a well formed palate and a daring appetite. If it's served to you, you'll at least try it.
People are pretty scared of your exotic ways. But once they get a taste of you, they're addicted!

(A tip of the cap to Deb Solo.)

Yep. I've had days like this. Quite of few of 'em, in fact.

"Ask Amy" gets it right here: "When you sling mud, some of it gets on you. Every time you are cruel, your own soul takes a hit." Someone remind the folks at Hilton, m'kay?

Well, if they're going to screw up, better now during a drill than in the middle of hurricane season. Cripes! Won't these folks ever learn?

Traffic Report

Holy, moly! For someone used to about 60 hits a day, my Site Meter stats have been off the charts, thanks to Blackfive, Smash, Fuzzybear Lioness, Soldiers' Angels, Mudville Gazette, Andi, Teresa, Counter-Revolutionary, and many more.

I've had tons of responses to my request for questions for Hilton, and really do have a response to Marc Grossman's last letter in the works... but I want to get it right, so it may take another day to marinate completely.

He wanted me to be objective? Fine. I will be thoughtful, polite and objective. Now, let's hope Hilton will be objective enough to do a little bit of research and give us factual and truthful answers.


While I agree with the food choice, I'm not so sure I like that description:

You Are French Food

Snobby yet ubiquitous.

People act like they understand you more than they actually do.


Ah, well... it's a good description of my hair, anyway...

You Are Curling

What you lack in athleticism, you make up for in concentration.

And while curling isn't much more of a sport than bowling, you *can* win a gold medal for it!

(A tip of the cap to Yabu.)

Now that's more like it:

You are Ocean Blue

You're both warm and practical. You're very driven, but you're also very well rounded.
You tend to see both sides to every issue, and people consider you a natural diplomat.

(A tip of the cap to Deb.)

The Uncyclopedia reveals the latest PDA -- the Pontius Pilot. Too funny!


The Hasselhoff is Hooked on a Feeling. A video only the Manolo could love.

(A tip of the cap to Jonathan at ChicagoBoyz.)

Dear Lord! I suddenly got an ear worm featuring the Manolo, singing "Hooga, Hooga, Ooga Chakka" over and over an over again. And tapping his toes in time in bespoke shoes.

Roadside Diversions

Laurence Simon is hosting Carnival of the Cats #113 over at IMAO. Who doesn't love a carnival?

Speaking of carnivals, the Crockpot Edition of Carnival of the Recipes is up at PractiGal's place. Yum!

Speaking of roadside diversions, T1G hit Six Flags Great America in Gurnee, IL this weekend. Quote of the day?
I guarantee that none of us took our hands off of that locking bar until it was safe. I got off of that ride with my legs shaking, and made myself a vow.

Next time I'm there, I'm riding it TWICE.


More carnival ride action over at ChicagoBoyz -- Tilt-A-Whirl Lore (and video)!

Traveling Companions

The Divine Miss Marilyn just got the news that her best beau is back from... well... wherever it was that he nabbed that hat.

She's crazy about that cat!

Don't forget to stop by the Friday Ark for loads of animal goodness.

Haven't gotten enough? Then stop by eatstuff for weekend cat blogging and swing over to IMAO for the Carnival of the Cats on Sunday evening.

If all that's not enough to satisfy, you need a pet of your own. Really.


Trevor Romain has a young friend in need of prayers, and her family needs them even more. May the angels hold them all in their arms.

Book Your Ticket

I've been remiss in sending links to something that I instigated. (Gee... imagine me being an instigator!)

Okay, here are the first three parts of Christina's blog novella challenge:

Reluctant Assassin (Chapter One)

The Cleaner (Chapter Two)

House of Cards (Chapter Three)

Next week's installment will be provided by Silk, with Christina bringing it all together in the final chapter.

I've done some of Christina's 1000 word writing challenges back in her Feisty days, and to do your own thing with 1000 words is tough. To have to run with someone else's idea is a real challenge. The folks who volunteer to do these really love writing. Go check'em out!

Another Shot Across the Bow

I have apparently come to the attention of some folks high up at Hilton Hotels Corporation. (Don't ever let anyone tell you that a letter writing campaign doesn't work. I'm proof positive that it does!)

I'm posting Marc Grossman's response as a .jpg file:

(Click to embiggen.)

Since he asks that I be open-minded, I'll oblige. I have a couple of questions for Mr. Grossman, for which I am no politely asking for answers:

1. How does Hilton respond to Fran O'Brien's owners' assertion that the money Hilton owed Fran's for providing room service to Capital Hilton guests was in excess of rents FO'B's owed to the Capital Hilton?

2. I have heard/read that FO'B's was required to upgrade carpeting/upholstery in the restaurant under the terms of the lease, but this is the first I've heard of fire and health safety issues. Can you cite specific examples?

3. Is is reasonable to expect that tenants would put substantial sums of money into upgrading a rental property when the landlord has made it clear that lease renewal is unlikely to happen? Why wasn't this negotiated into the terms of renewal?

4. Why has Hilton not yet made the entrance to that restaurant handicapped accessible? Why wasn't this done years ago?

I have a lot more questions, but I'm going to put this out there to my readers. What questions do you have that this letter does not answer? Send me an email or drop'em in the comments and I'll send them to Mr. Grossman.

Update: Welcome Blackfive readers!

Update: Welcome MilBlogs readers! In addition, Smash reminds us which properties are owned by the Hilton Family of brands.


This thoughtful and measured discussion of the immigration issue is just one in a thousand reasons why Rich Moran has a permanent spot on my blogroll.

Richmond sometimes makes me laugh so hard my sides hurt. Today is one of those days.

The Divine Miss Marilyn's swain is back from hiatus. Swell. Now she'll be pestering me to post her pictures again. (And she still hasn't learned the meaning of the word "no.")

I keep laughing too hard to aim right! You go and try Hairball Bowling and see if you can do it with a straight face.

(A tip of the cap to P'nut.)

Since Richmond has the gross guy parts story covered, I'll point you to Theresa for the female parts tale.

Leslie Spiller's sexual nickname:

"Pussy Cat"

Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

Damn straight, Skippy!

(A tip of theCap to McGehee. (Dude! Trouser Anaconda???))

Quote of the day: "Your Monkey Is Naked" Someone tell V-Man, okay?

I beg to differ with QT. A female dude is a "dudette," not a "dudine." Dudine???

This looks like something I might have made in my junior high Home Ec class. But my mother would have insisted I put a bra on under it. (And, no -- perky nipples aren't enough to detract from the plug-ugliness of that sack masquerading as a frock.)


Isaac Mizrahi clearly hates women.

Speaking of thoughtful and measured posts, Jim is back, and posting up a storm. You've been missed, big guy!

From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

Nancy V. snuck this one in under the wire:

Brand new edition of... "You know you're a redneck when......

1. You take your dog for a walk and you both use the same tree.

2. You can entertain yourself for more than 15 minutes with a fly swatter.

3. Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.

4. You burn your yard rather than mow it.

5. You think "The Nutcracker" is something you do off the high dive.

6. The Salvation Army declines your furniture.

7. You offer to give someone the shirt off your back and they don't want it.

8. You have the local taxidermist on speed dial.

9. You come back from the dump with more than you took.

10. You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.

11. Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.

12. Your grandmother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.

13. You keep flea and tick soap in the shower.

14. You've been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.

15. You go to the stock car races and don't need a program.

16. You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.

17. You have a rag for a gas cap.

18. Your house doesn't have curtains, but your truck does.

19. You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.

20. You can spit without opening your mouth.

21. You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.

22. Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.

23. You have a complete set of salad bowls and they all say "Cool Whip" on the side.

24. The biggest city you've ever been to is Wal-Mart.

25. Your working TV sits on top of your non-working TV.

26. You've used your ironing board as a buffet table.

27. A tornado hits your neighborhood and does $100,000 worth of improvements.

28. You've used a toilet brush to scratch your back.

29. You missed your 5th grade graduation because you were on jury duty.

30. You think fast food is hitting a deer at 65.




Okay, I'm ROTFLMAO at this:

Why, oh, why do I always get these, um, unusual results?

(A tip of the cap to Jay Solo.)

On the topic of flip-flops (funky or otherwise), Christina and the Head Yenta are of like minds. If you're smart, you won't mess with these women.

Lately, I keep finding posts that remind me that V-Man's monkeys are legion.

Look! Here's another one:


The Uncyclopedia has a heading for Ninja Pirate, but none for Baboon Pirates. Gross omission, don't you think?

And, no -- Baboon Pirates are not V-Man's monkeys sporting doo rags and eye patches.

I think.

At least I'm pretty sure.

Lawdy, Miz Clawdy! Don't tell Eric or K-Nine. One or t'other of them will show up at the next blodgmeet with Bugsy in tow. (Gucci or no Gucci.) Hillarity will ensue.

From the Rowdies in the Back of the Bus

From the Sweetheart of Shell Knob, MO: Life as it Should Be...

I think the life cycle is all backwards.

You should die first, start out dead and get it out of the way.

Then you wake up in a nursing home, feeling better every day.

You get kicked out for being too healthy, go collect your pension, then, when you start work, you get a gold watch on your first day.

You work 40 years until you're young enough to enjoy your retirement.

You drink alcohol, you party, you're generally promiscuous and you get ready for High School.

You go to primary school, you become a kid, you play, you have no responsibilities.

You become a baby, then you spend your last 9 months floating peacefully with luxuries like central heating, spa room service on tap, larger quarters everyday, and finally you finish off as an orgasm.

I rest my case.


To those of us who have children in our lives, whether they are our own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or students... here is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children.

After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve.

And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit," God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve! We have forbidden fruit!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.


"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants.

A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it! " Adam said.

"Did not!"

"Did too!"


Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own.

Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.


If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself.

If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?


1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said. [Just ask my brother!]

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We childproofed our homes, but they are still getting in.


Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home one day.

If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle:




From Elizabeth:

It was almost midnight and the attractive Mrs. Robinson had been standing at the bus stop for over half an hour, several drinks past her limit, when up drove a gentleman who offered to take her home. Sliding into the seat beside him, she managed to mumble her address, then slumped drowsily against the man's shoulder.

Responding to the opportunity, the driver wrapped his free arm around his pretty passenger and pressed her closer to him, proceeding with as personal an appraisal of the terrain as possible without taking his eyes off the road, or his other hand off the wheel.

At first she seemed oblivious to what was going on, but then she suddenly same to life, exclaiming, "Man, you're passionate!"

Quite naturally flattered by this positive reaction to his romantic overture, he attempted to take further liberties and was promptly greeted with a stinging slap across the face.

Stopping the car abruptly, he turned to her angrily and said, "What the hell's going on here? On the one hand you tell me how passionate I am and with the other, you smack me. Why don't you make up your mind?"

"I don't know what you're talking' about, mishter," came the slurred reply, "but that's my house - and you're about to pash it again!"

From Karen Bear:

New Office Policy

Dress Code:
-You are advised to come to work dressed according to your salary.
- If we see you wearing Prada shoes and carrying a Gucci bag, we will assume you are doing well financially and therefore do not need a raise.
- If you dress poorly, you need to learn to manage your money better, so that you may buy nicer clothes, and therefore you do not need a raise.
- If you dress just right, you are right where you need to be and therefore you do not need a raise.

Sick Days:
We will no longer accept a doctor's statement as proof of sickness. If you are able to go to the doctor, you are able to come to work.

Personal Days:
Each employee will receive 104 personal days a year. They are called Saturdays & Sundays.

Bereavement Leave:
This is no excuse for missing work. There is nothing you can do for dead friends, relatives or co-workers. Every effort should be made to have non-employees attend the funeral arrangements. In rare cases where employee involvement is necessary, the funeral should be scheduled in the late afternoon. We will be glad to allow you to work through your lunch hour and subsequently leave one hour early.

Bathroom Breaks:
Entirely too much time is being spent in the toilet. There is now a strict three-minute time limit in the stalls.
- At the end of three minutes, an alarm will sound, the toilet paper roll will retract, the stall door will open, and a picture will be taken.
- After your second offense, your picture will be posted on the company bulletin board under the "Chronic Offenders" category.
- Anyone caught smiling in the picture will be sectioned under the company's mental health policy.

Lunch Break:
- Skinny people get 30 minutes for lunch, as they need to eat more, so that they can look healthy.
- Normal size people get 15 minutes for lunch to get a balanced meal to maintain their average figure.
- Chubby people get 5 minutes for lunch, because that's all the time needed to drink a Slim-Fast.

Thank you for your loyalty to our company. We are here to provide a positive employment experience. Therefore, all questions, comments, concerns, complaints, frustrations, irritations, aggravations, insinuations, allegations, accusations, contemplations, consternation and input should be directed elsewhere.

The Management

Also from that crazy Nancy V.: WHY ITALIANS CAN'T BE PARAMEDICS

Luigi and Salvatore are out in the woods hunting when suddenly Salvatore grabs his chest and falls to the ground. He doesn't seem to be breathing; his eyes are rolled back in his head.

Luigi whips out his cell phone and calls 911. He gasps to the operator, "I think Salvatore is dead. What should I do?"

The operator, in a calm soothing voice says,"Just take it easy and follow my instructions.

First, let's make sure he's dead."

There is a silence... and then a shot is heard.

Luigi's voice comes back on the line,

"Okay, now what?"


It seems that Major League Baseball Advanced Media is getting downright unsporting. This ought to piss my BlogMama off something fierce.

Quote of the day: "Check this shit out (Fig. 1). That's bonafide, 100%-real data, my friends."

(A tip of the cap to Harvey, who truly is a Bad Example.)

I'm Ludvig II, the Swan King of Bavaria!
Which Historical Lunatic Are You?
From the fecund loins of Rum and Monkey.

You are Ludwig II, the Swan King of Bavaria!

Born with the name of Otto, you became Ludwig at the request of your grandfather, King Ludwig I, because you were born on his birthday.

You became Crown Prince at the tender age of 3, and soon after stole a purse from a shop on the basis that everything in Bavaria belonged to you.

Tragedy struck when your pet tortoise was taken away; relatives thought the six-year- old prince was too attached to it.

Your childhood was lonely and formal.

Once, you were prevented from beheading your younger brother by the timeous arrival of a court official.

From the age of 14 you suffered from hallucinations.

Despite striking an imposing figure with your great height and good looks, your speeches were pompous to the point of incomprehensibility.

You became even more of a recluse, often spending hours reading poetry in a seashell- shaped boat in your electrically-illuminated underground grotto.

You are most famous for building three fairytale castles - Linderhof, Neuschwanstein and Herrenchiemsee - at tremendous public expense.

Declared insane and confined to your bedroom by concerned (and embarrassed) subjects, you escaped on 13 June 1886, but were later found drowned with your physician in Lake Stamberg in mysterious circumstances.

A tip of the cap to LL.)

Well, DUH!!! And it hurts like hell to bite your tongue and not tell someone off, too.

Tootin' the Horn

It's my BlogMama's blawgiversary. Stop on by and wish her a good one, will ya?

(I'm here to tell you that a kid just couldn't ask for a nicer BlogMama!)


Johnny Depp? Well, I suppose that's nice to know. But I'd be willing to wager that one of the nicest and most generous celebrities ever with autographs and a warm, welcoming smile has to be Florence Henderson. I've seen her in action on a night in Chicago when she was out casually, and she's... well... Mrs. Brady. She signed autographs for every patron and employee of a hotel bar, and took time to chat with every one.

Yep. She still takes that Mrs. Brady responsibility seriously.

Get a look at all these kitties!

Bus Fumes

A friend recently asked why I am so angry with Hilton Corporation. The soldiers described in this article are exactly the reason why. They and their wounded brethren are the ones who benefited so greatly from having a welcoming place to "come out" in society and be made to feel whole again by the wonderful folks at Fran O'Brien's. The soldiers that could only enter the restaurant via a service elevator, because the Capital Hilton wouldn't put in a handicapped entrance to the restaurant. The ones the Hilton claims it still wants to honor. The ones Mr. Kelleher only bothered to go out and greet once. The ones, on the other hand, that Fran's chef would prepare food specially for so they could eat a real steak dinner, even if it had to be pureed in order for them to eat.

Nope, I'm not a milblogger. But I am an American, and these guys are fighting for you and me. I have no use for a corporation that puts the cost of a handicapped exit over making a restaurant in their own hotel accessible to these heroes.

Hilton's latest "Be hospitable" ad campaign makes me want to put my foot through my television every time I see it. "Be hospitable?" My ass.

Keep the pressure on Hilton, okay?

(A tip of the cap to Mike at Presto Agitato.)


I know my friends love me, because they've been making me laugh all week in a week when I've really needed the laughs.

Today's [spit-take warning!] little gem, comes via McGehee.

Thanks, Dude!

'Tis true:

Your Brain is 73% Female, 27% Male

Your brain leans female

You think with your heart, not your head

Sweet and considerate, you are a giver, but you're tough enough not to let anyone take advantage of you!

(A tip of the cap to Jay Solo.)

The Uncyclopedia has pimped my ride:

(I don't suppose I could sweet-talk a Blown-Star Blodger to photoshop one of those pix of me in my lampshade onto the driver here, could I???)

Quote of the day: "Ma used to tell me the difference between faith and knowledge was that she knew I was hers, Pop had faith I was his."

Traveling Companions

The Divine Miss Marilyn and TMBCITW finally meet. What happens when a big diva meets a little diva? Love at first sight!

Make sure to visit the Friday Ark and also the Carnival of the Cats over at Watermark this Sunday evening. Finally, don't miss weekend cat blogging at eatstuff.

Bus Fumes

Andi suggests "Operation Remind Hilton." I'm in. Are you?

(Cartoon shamelessly swiped from Citizen Smash.)


This has left me both tickled and bumfuzzled. The far left loons really don't get it, do they?


King Tut and Leonardo Da Vinci exhibits up at the same time??? How could you not want to visit Chicago this summer?

This is why I love the ever-truthful Graumagus:
If the dumbasses could understand any piece of writing more complicated than "Dick and Jane go to sensitivity training" ("See Spot. See Spot run. Is Spot creating a hostile environment for differently abled canines who are unable to match his ambulatory prowess?") they'd realize that I don't hate any given ethnic group, gender, or people of any sexual orientation, what I despise is the bullshit double standards and "blame the white heterosexual guy for everything that sucks in our lives" mentality that permeates every aspect of our society these days. Plus I like smacking hornet's nests with a stick now and then for amusment purposes.
Pure poetry.

Quote of the day: "i'm taking the boys to the pool to celebrate the fed's sixteenth straight interest rate hike. i know it's weird, but that's how we roll. may the sun shine on your portfolio and mine."

The End of the Line

Man, the news has been awful this week. For this gal and the Chai-rista (and anyone else that needs to hear them), I offer up these words:


When I die if you need to weep
Cry for your brother or sister
Walking the street beside you
And when you need me put your arms around anyone
And give them what you need to give me.

I want to leave you something
Something better than words or sounds.

Look for me in the people I've known or loved
And if you cannot give me away
At least let me live in your eyes and not on your mind.

You can love me most by letting hands touch hands
By letting bodies touch bodies
And by letting go of children that need to be free.

Love doesn't die, people do
So when all that's left of me is love
Give me away.

~Merritt Malloy

(A tip of the cap to Suzanne.)


Quote of the day: "I gather a general lack of lips amongst the pigeonry means they can't just do a "ptoo!" and spit something out."

(A tip of the cap to El Capitan, who provided a badly-needed laugh today.)

Oh, no! The Uncyclopedia is doing its level best to keep up with the crap bloggers. I think the entry is sadly incomplete, however, without links to King of the Crap Bloggers -- Old Crankypants, as well as Ellison, Og, El Capitan, Dooce and Miz Thang. Sheesh!

Gee, thanks, Poppy. It's a wonder my retinas are still intact.

To those who've sent emails that I have not yet answered, give me a couple more days to get back to my old self. I'd rather respond when I'm not in as much of a funk.

And If I Wasn't Having A Bad Enough Day...

... I get a "personal" letter on official Capital Hilton stationery in the mail from everybody's favorite asshat, Brian Kelleher:
Thank you for your letter. We first want to emphasize that Hilton Hotels Corporation is deeply grateful for the service, sacrifice and devotion of our troops and their families.

Our business relationship with Fran O'Brien's has come to an end effective May 1, 2006, due to their refusal to pay rent and make necessary improvements in order to comply with the terms of their lease.

We fully support our troops and have offered to host and sponsor the dinners moving forward. We recognize and salute the sacrifices of our men and women in uniform and will continue to demonstrate our gratitude to them.

Brian Kelleher
General Manager
Capital Hilton Hotel
Dear Mr. Kelleher --

It's Ms., not Mrs., you do not really thank me for my letter, you want me to go away and pretend this mess of your own making never happened. And to send business back, thank you very much.

Your response is, once again, nothing but spin, spin, spin. But thanks for the blogfodder. Really.

If you were truly grateful to our troops... and to your lessees, I wouldn't be finding things like this and this and this out in the blogosphere.

Thank all that's holy that it appears Fran's will reopen in a new location -- somewhere far friendlier to both the troops and the lessees.

Hal and Marty will continue to generate very positive experiences for our wounded troops, as well as positive PR for their own business, while you, sir, will never be able to do that. You are a Jedi Master in the art of opening your mouth only long enough to change feet -- in fast-forward... and in living color.

Clearly the higher-ups at Hilton corporate have backed your actions, or Fran's never would have closed their doors. Therefore, I'm not only extending my own boycott of Hilton's properties, I'm vigorously encouraging every other consultant in my company to do the same (and we are a global consulting firm).

Personally, I hope another hotel chain does lease an appropriate space to Fran O'Brien's. You can be absolutely sure that I will throw as much business their way as I humanly can.

Leslie Spiller

P.S. -- A salutation and a signature would have been a sign that you actually "get" the meaning of public relations. But it's you I'm talking about/to -- I know I shouldn't be holding my breath on that one.

Hit 'em in the pocketbook, folks.