I don't know if this is a problem with the dogs themselves, the original training or the handlers (either training maintenance or boredom or sheer lack of caring), but I know this situation needs to be improved quickly. The numbers passing through the downtown Metra stations daily is staggering... and so is the possibility for disaster.
Will we never learn?
Aw, ferchrissakes! What are they going to do next? Outlaw matches?
Your past life diagnosis:
I don't know how you feel about it, but you were female in your last earthly incarnation.
You were born somewhere in the territory of modern Saudi Arabia around the year 1200.
Your profession was that of a trainer or holder of fine animals, such as birds. [Spooky in that, up until the past couple of years, I bred and showed purebred cats.]
Your brief psychological profile in your past life: Revolutionary type. You inspired changes in any sphere - politics, business, religion, housekeeping. You could have been a leader.
The lesson that your last past life brought to your present incarnation: You are bound to solve problems of pollution of environment, recycling, misuse of raw materials, elimination of radioactivity by all means including psychological methods. [Eerily again, my problem-solving skills have always been highly prized by my bosses -- current and former.]
Do you remember now?
Quote of the day:
We were treading lightly with her pain medications because she had been delirious at times. Well and truly off with the fairies. She kept claiming that she was dancing in the rain, with only an umbrella to keep away the chills.
Hubby de Dooce is obviously related to my own dear brother.
It started with a hissing noise, like bacon frying, that elevated to a throaty roar coming from the open septic tank vent, blowing the water hose out, then it got worse, huffing and puffing, with steam coming from the roof vents, then progressing to a steady roar that could be heard for blocks around, then it started to sound like an immense steam whistle, and looked like 'Old Faithfull' in full glory, neighbors in pajamas were out in their yards watching, one guy started to run over to help and I yelled at him to, ' stay back it's bigger than both of us', my poor wife made several attempts to get out of the house, appearing at the door then running back inside only to try again.
(Thanks, Livey, for the belly laugh of my day!)
Oooh! I need to get me one of these... right after I get my motorized barstool (factory installed autopilot and chrome cup holder would be nice additions).
( tip of the cap to Patti.)
Carnival of the Cats is up at Animal Family, brought to you all the way from Singapore!
Carnival of the Recipes is up at Sun Comprehending Glass. If you weren't hungry before you went, you will be by the time you're done!
If all that isn't enough to get you drooling, head on over to Carnival of the Digital Cameras. I've got to believe you'll find something to fall in lust with there.
From the Sweetheart of Shell Knob, MO:
For all of us who are married, were married, wish you were married, wish you weren't married, or glad you never married, this is something to smile about the next time you open a bottle of wine:
Sally was driving home from one of her business trips in Northern Arizona when she saw an elderly Navajo woman walking on the side of the road.
As the trip was a long and quiet one, she stopped the car and asked the Navajo woman if she would like a ride.
With a silent nod of thanks, the woman got into the car. Resuming the journey, Sally tried in vain to make a bit of small talk with the Navajo woman.
The old woman just sat silently, looking intently at everything she saw, studying every little detail, until she noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Sally.
"What in bag?" asked the old woman.
Sally looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. I got it for my husband."
Speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder, the old woman said, "Good trade."
From that hot Italian babe, Nancy V.: A SWEET STORY ABOUT ITALIAN COOKIES
This is for all the Italians out there, and those who are lucky enough to be married to an Italian, and even to all the friends of Italians.
An elderly Italian man lay dying in his bed. While suffering the agonies of impending death, he suddenly smelled the aromaof his favorite Italian anisette sprinkle cookies wafting up the stairs. Gathering his remaining strength, he lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort, gripping the railing with both hands he crawled downstairs. With labored breath, he leaned against the doorframe, gazing into the kitchen. Were if not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in heaven. For there, spread out upon waxed paper on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite anisette sprinkled cookies.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted Italian wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in a crumpled posture. His parched lips parted, the wondrous taste of the cookie was already in his mouth, seemingly bringing him back to life. The aged and withered hand trembled on its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when it was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife...
"Get out of here! " she shouted, "They're for the funeral."
From Catfish: Quotable Cops
The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country.
#15 "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretchout after you wear them a while."
#14 "Take your hands off the car, and I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."
#13 "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."
#12 "Can you run faster than 1,200 feet per second? In case you didn't know, that is the average speed of a 9mm bullet fired from my gun."
#11 "So you don't know how fast you were going. I guess that means I can write anything I want on the ticket, huh?"
#10 "Yes, Sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh . Did I mention that I am the shift supervisor?"
#9 "Warning! You want a warning? O.K., I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."
#8 "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"
#7 "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy, and step in monkey crap."
#6 "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."
#5 "In God we trust, all others we run through NCIC."
#4 "Just how big were those two beers?"
#3 "No sir we don't have quotas anymore. We used to have quotas but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we want."
#2 "I'm glad to hear the Chief of Police is a good personal friend ofy ours. At least you know someone who can post your bail."
And the best one . . .
#1 "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."
Also from Cat, but posted for my friend Mort: Sunday Sex
A man wonders if having sex on the Sabbath is a sin because he is not sure if sex is work or play. So he goes to a priest and asks for his opinion on this question.
After consulting the bible, the priest says, " My son, after an exhaustive search, I am positive that sex is work and is therefore not permitted on Sundays."
The man thinks: "What does a priest know about sex?"
So he goes to a minister, who after all is a married man and experienced in this matter. He queries the minister and receives the same reply. Sex is work and therefore not for the Sabbath!
Not pleased with the reply, he seeks out the ultimate authority: a man of thousands of years tradition and knowledge. (In other words, he goes to a rabbi.)
The Rabbi ponders the question, then states, "My son, sex is definitely play."
The man replies, "Rabbi, how can you be so sure when so many others tell me sex is work?"
The Rabbi softly speaks, "If sex were work, my wife would have the maid do it."
| Olive |
You scored 64 flavor!
|Other than the fact that you come out of a can, you're way cool.|
|My test tracked 1 variable How you compared to other people your age and gender:|
|Link: The What Pizza Topping Am I? Test written by rivertorch on Ok Cupid, home of the 32-Type Dating Test|
I know how the poor kid feels...
It's an all-Cheney line-up today.
First, my BlogDaddy has the late night monolog one-liners covered... and then some.
Catfish sent me a sampling of news story headlines related to Vice President Cheney's shooting accident:
Kingsville Dispatch "Sheriff Fines Cheney $100 For Only Wounding Lawyer"
National Review Online "Red States Poll Shows Cheney Shooting Was Justifiable"
Dallas Morning News "Shot Came From Grassy Knoll"
Austin Statesman "Cheney Says Victim's Quail Call Was Best He Ever Heard"
Washington Post "Cheney Prevents Hunting Party From Field Dressing Shooting Victim"
The Nation "Cheney Drove Shooting Victim to Hospital Tied to The Hood of His Car"
San Antonio Express/News "Sneaky Lawyer Tactics Don't Work On Cheney"
Houston Chronicle "Personal Injury Lawyers Hold Candlelight Vigil Outside Cheney Victim Hospital"
Wyoming Tribune Eagle "Cheney Friends Decline Fall Duck Hunting Invitation"
La Raza "Cheney Shooting Victim Gets Emergency Room Priority Over Illegal Aliens"
Vegan News "Cheney Shooting Victim Converts To Vegetarian In Hospital"
NRA American Rifleman "Witnesses Claim Cheney Only Feathered Lawyer"
New Orleans Times Picayune "Getting 'Dicked' Has All New Meaning"
Broussard "Times Pickyournose" (Broussard, La.)"Cheney misses Quayle"
In an effort to remain OSHA Compliant, the sign outside the White House has been updated to reflect the latest statistics.
Test your quail-hunting skills here: http://www.quailhuntingschool.com/flash.php
|You Are a Double Espresso|
Hey Energizer Bunny Girl! Do you ever slow down?
You're a mix of high energy and ambition, perfectly matched with strong espresso
When you want something you get it - by any means possible
You're driven, determined, and no nonsense. Which is just how you like your java.
(A tip of the cap to Lyn at Bloggin' Outloud.)
It's a puzzlement. (And there's even a clue for me!)
The Divine Miss Marilyn thinks Video Catnip is QVC for cats.
She's busy shopping for something to win her favor with the object of her affection. (Either that, or she's hungry. Very hungry.)
Don't forget to visit the Friday Ark. Also, the Carnival of the Cats will be up at Animal Family this Sunday evening.
Update: Piper wants to know what your kitties are having for dinner. The Divine Miss Marilyn says, "I'd pass on the smelly goodness if I could nibble on Gigolo Kitty!'s ear for an hour."
I'm a Talent!
You're a risk-taker, and you follow your passions. You're determined to take on the world and succeed on your own terms. Whether in the arts, science, engineering, business, or politics, you fearlessly express your own vision of the world. You're not afraid of a fight, and you're not afraid to bet your future on your own abilities. If you find a job boring or stifling, you're already preparing your resume. You believe in doing what you love, and you're not willing to settle for an ordinary life.
Talent: 70%Take the Talent, Lifer, or Mandarin quiz.
(A tip of the cap to Professor Bainbridge!)
GROUND ZERO MEMORIAL RALLY
Monday, February 27 at noon (Church and Liberty St. WTC site)
In just a few weeks, LMDC will break ground on a memorial and museum that will put the safety of future visitors in peril and will fail to honor the 9/11 dead.
We urge you to stand with us to support the emergency personnel unions as their leaders publicly address the safety and security concerns LMDC has created through their mismanagement and lack of transparency.
If we are to rescue the memorial, we need your help!
The current plan is to start building the memorial in March so we must make our voices heard now or America will be stuck with a bargain basement memorial that fails to provide for the safety of its visitors.
WHEN: Monday, February 27, 2006 at NOON
WHERE: Corners of Church and Liberty Streets at the World Trade Center site
WHO: Advocates for 9/11 Fallen Heroes Memorial* Union and 9/11 family leadership and supporters will also be in attendance
PURPOSE: To publicly protest the memorial as it is currently proposed.
Union leaders, safety experts and 9/11 community leaders will publicly address the numerous safety and security problems LMDC is creating through its misguided plans and mismanagement. Speakers will also address how LMDC still refuses to list the names of those killed in the way their families and most Americans desire. The vast majority of families have formally requested their loved ones be listed by their individual affiliations. LMDC has ignored this request since 2004.
We encourage you to bring photos of your loved ones and to bring signs. To ensure our message is uniform please choose from the slogans noted below:
- LMDC Values Political Expediency Over Safety of Visitors
- Rescue the 9/11 Memorial from the LMDC
- LMDC process is Opposite of Transparent
- LMDC Makes Bad Decisions BEHIND CLOSED DOORS
- Time Stamp is a Red Herring
- Don't skimp on Safety and Security for the 9/11 Memorial
- Less Ramps - Less Access for the Public
- LMDC Changes to Memorial Must NOT go forward
- Don't build the Memorial on the Cheap
- The Heroes of 9/11 deserve a Magnificent Memorial
- Why only two ramps - put back the original four - Safety before Cost
- Raise the 9/11 Museum above Ground
- LMDC: Learn from 9/11 and Past Mistakes
Hate paying top dollar at the gas pump? Then thank Elizabeth (who really, really needs to get her own blog) for this nifty tool. It's going straight into my Favorites folder.
Anyone up for a jumpstart on St. Paddy's Day?
I'll be going to a fundraiser for
Where: The Brownstone Tavern, 3937 N. Lincoln, Chicago, IL
When: Monday, March 6, 2006 7-9pm
Please join us on March 6th at a NEW LOCATION, the Brownstone Tavern, as we jumpstart the St. Patrick's Day celebrations! A $10 donation at the door gets you complimentary pints of Ireland's finest brews: Harp & Guinness, live Irish music, the famous pub quiz, and helps Seanachai raise funds for their upcoming production of A WHISTLE IN THE DARK.
Need more info?
Seanachai events are always a lot of fun. See you there?
Jim and Mary were both patients in a mental hospital. One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool Jim suddenly jumped into the deep end. He sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Mary promptly jumped in to save him. She swam to the bottom and pulled Jim out.
When the medical director became aware of Mary's heroic act he immediately ordered her to be discharged from the hospital, as he now considered her to be mentally stable.
When he went to tell Mary the news he said, "Mary, I have good news and bad news. The good news is you're being discharged because since you were able to jump in and save the life of another patient, I think you've regained your senses. The bad news is, Jim, the patient you saved, hung himself with his bathrobe belt in the bathroom. I am so sorry, but he's dead."
Mary replied, "He didn't hang himself, I put him there to dry."
From Jeri in Cape Garagedoor, MO: MOSES AND THE LORD
"Excuse me, Sir."
"Is that you again, Moses?"
"I'm afraid it is, Sir."
"What is it this time, Moses; more computer problems?"
"How did you guess?"
"I don't have to guess, Moses. Remember ?"
"Oh, yes; I forgot."
"Tell me what you want, Moses."
"But you already know, Sir. Remember?"
"Well, go ahead, Moses; spit it out."
"Well, I have a question, Sir. You know those ten 'things' you sent me via e-mail?"
"You mean the Ten Commandments, Moses?"
"That's it. I was wondering if they are important."
"What do you mean 'if they are important,' Moses? Of course, they are important. Otherwise, I would not have sent them to you."
"Well, sorry, Sir, but I lost them. I could say the dog ate them; but, of course, you would see right through that."
"What do you mean you 'lost them'? Are you trying to tell me you didn't save them, Moses?"
"No, Sir; I forgot."
"You should always save, Moses."
"Yes, I know. You told me that before. I was going to save them, but I forgot. I did forward them to some people before I lost them though."
"And did you hear back from any of them?"
"You already know I did. There was the one guy who said he never uses 'shalt not.' May he change the words a little bit?"
"Yes, Moses, as long as he does not change the meaning."
"And what about the guy who thought your stance was a little harsh, and recommended calling them the 'Ten Suggestions,' or letting people pick one or two to try for a while?"
"Moses, I will act as if I did not hear that."
"I think that means 'no.' Well, what about the guy who said I was scamming him?"
"I think the term is 'spamming,' Moses."
"Oh, yes. I E-mailed him back and told him I don't even eat that stuff, and I have no idea how you can send it to someone through a computer."
"And what did he say?"
"You know what he said. He used Your name in vain. You don't think he might have sent me one of those -- err -- plagues, and that's the reason I lost those ten 'things', do you?"
"They are not plagues; they are called 'viruses,' Moses."
"Whatever! This computer stuff is just too much for me. Can we go back to those stone tablets? It was hard on my back taking them out and reading them each day, but at least I never lost them."
"We will do it the new way, Moses; using computers!!"
"I was afraid you would say that, Sir."
"Moses, what did I tell you to do if you messed up?"
"You told me to hold up this rat and point it toward the computer."
"It's a mouse, Moses, not a rat. Mouse! Mouse! And did you do that?"
"No, I decided to try calling technical support first. After all, who knows more about this stuff than you? And I really like your hours. By the way, Sir, did Noah have two of these mice on the ark?"
"One other thing. Why did you not name them 'frogs' instead of 'mice,' because did you not tell me the thing they sit on is a pad?"
"I did not name them, Moses. Man did, and you can call yours a frog if you want to."
"Oh, that explains it. I bet some woman told Adam to call it a mouse. After all, was it not a woman who named one of the computers 'Apple?'"
"Say good night, Moses."
"Wait a minute, Sir. I am pointing the mouse, and it seems to be working. Yes, a couple of the ten 'things' have come back."
"Which ones are they, Moses?"
"Let me see. 'Thou shalt not steal from any grave an image' and 'Thou shalt not uncover Thy neighbor's wife.'"
"Turn the computer off, Moses. I'm sending you another set of stone tablets."
Tell the truth -- which would you rather watch?
Update: Scott Adams is also getting into the act. This is one team my pal Og could captain and lead to a medals sweep.
This gives a whole new meaning to the term "air guitar," doesn't it?
1: Black and White or Color; how do you prefer your movies?
In their original format. I want to see it the way the director wanted me to see it.
2: What is the one single subject that bores you to near-death?
The Manolo (who always makes me laugh) forgive me, it's buying men's shoes.
3: MP3s, CDs, Tapes or Records: what is your favorite medium for prerecorded music?
CDs. I'm such a technotard that MP3 technology is beyond me at the moment. Vinyl, on the other hand, is just too fragile.
4: You are handed one first class trip plane ticket to anywhere in the world and ten million dollars cash. All of this is yours provided that you leave and not tell anyone where you are going ... ever. This includes family, friends, everyone. Would you take the money and ticket and run?
I'd think hard about for a few minutes... but I'm Godmama to TMBCITW, the Princess Mom needs me, I'd miss my brother, sister-in-law, TMPAE and my handsome nephew terribly. (Not to mention my friends.) Nope. Gotta stick around.
5: Seriously, what do you consider the world's most pressing issue now?
Light, heavy or medium starch?
6: How would you rectify the world's most pressing issue?
Spray sizing. All the body with none of the stiffness.
7: You are given the chance to go back and change one thing in your life; what would that be?
I'd have told my dad I loved him more often.
8: You are given the chance to go back and change one event in world history, what would that be?
I'd stop the first cancer cell from forming.
9: A night at the opera, or a night at the Grand Ole' Opry --Which do you choose?
Arghhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Don't make me choose! I love both.
10: What is the one great unsolved crime of all time you'd like to solve?
Why I've been single for so long. (What? That's not a crime?)
11: One famous author can come to dinner with you. Who would that be, and what would you serve for the meal?
Janet Evanovich. We'd have Jolt Cola, Pino's Pizza and Tasty Kakes for dessert. (Wait! Can I change that to Ranger with a side of Morelli for dessert?)
12: You discover that John Lennon was right, that there is no hell below us, and above us there is only sky -- what's the first immoral thing you might do to celebrate this fact?
I don't think I would. I am what I am. That won't change.
Gee thanks, Gennie:
|Omnibus Driver --|
A real life muppet
How will you be defined in the dictionary? at QuizGalaxy.com
A hermit living in the big city
How will you be defined in the dictionary? at QuizGalaxy.com
She Who Will Be Obeyed is in Chicago this week and next. I've extended an invitation for cocktails. If you're in the Loop, stop by her blog and add to the invitation. Impromptu blogmeet, anyone?
Update: It looks like we'll be getting together some time next week. I'll keep you posted!
Holy moly! Zonker's midget is not only fierce, he's got fine taste in women... but, alas, not in fashion.
"Another Ammons attorney, George Reres, said he's worried about his client's 'emotional and psychological well-being right now.'The answer is NO.
"His concern focuses on 'whether there are underlying emotional issues that would put a young person in his situation up to doing something like this,' Reres added."
The Texas Parks and Wildlife Department issued a statement today saying Vice President Cheney broke no law by shooting a lawyer instead of a quail over the weekend.
A TPWD spokesman noted that, in Texas, lawyers are not considered game creatures, and are thus not subject to seasonal limitations or bag limits. It was further noted that lawyer hunting was encouraged as the state is overrun with the pesky creatures.
Also (for Ellison):
An Chassidic man is standing by a hotel bar about an hour before Shabbat all dressed up in his special Shabbat clothes. A magnificent looking blonde airline hostess, with legs that go on forever, and breasts that are just waiting to envelop you, has just finished checking in, and is on her way to the elevator, when she sees the Chasid. She stops dead in her tracks and walks over to him.
"Hi" she says.
"Hullo" he answers.
''I have a confession to make to you," she says.
"I have a sexual fantasy."
"I've always wanted to be with a Hasidic man. I want to run my hands up and down his white silk socks, run my hands over his tzitzis, play with his gartel, run my fingers through his beautiful beard, and play with his payess. In fact I want you now, and I have a room upstairs. Will you join me for half an hour?"
He looks at her thoughtfully and says, "AND WHAT'S IN IT FOR ME???"
From Elizabeth: Queen Size!
A little boy went to the store with his grandmother and on the way home, he was looking at the things she had purchased.
He found a package of panty hose and began to sound out the words "Queen Size."
He then turned to his grandmother and exclaimed, "Look Granny, you wear the same size as our bed!"
Are you a Democrat, Republican or Southern Republican? Here is a little test that will help you decide. The answer can be found by posing the following question:
You're walking down a deserted street with your wife and two small children. Suddenly, an Islamic terrorist with a huge knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities, praises Allah, raises the knife, and charges at you. You are carrying a Glock Cal. 40, and you are an expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family. What do you do?
Well, that's not enough information to answer the question! Does the man look poor! Or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that would inspire him to attack?Could we run away? What does my wife think? What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does the Glock have appropriate safety built into it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1? Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and weed day and make this happier, healthier street that would discourage such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some friends for few days and try to come to a consensus.
Southern Republican's Answer:
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click...(sounds of reloading). BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
Daughter: "Nice grouping, Daddy! Were those the Winchester silver tips or hollow points?
Son: Git-r-done Pop! Can I shoot the next one!
Wife: You ain't taking that to the taxidermist!
(So sue me -- I giggled.)
Omnibus Driver's Heart Attack in a Bowl:
3 Medium potatoes, peeled and cubed (I use the really thin-skinned white potatoes and skip the peeling all together)
4 Cups chicken broth
4 Leeks (1"-1-1/2" in diameter), sliced into 1/8-1/4" rounds (use everything but the really tough parts of the leaves)
3 Tablespoons butter
2 Cups heavy cream
1/3 Cup white vermouth
Lawrey's Seasoned Salt and white pepper, to taste
Boil the potatoes in the chicken broth until tender. Get out the potato masher and break down the potatoes into the broth. (You can puree in a food processor or blender, but I like some chunks in there.) Saute the leeks in the butter until tender. Dump the leeks, cream and vermouth into the potatoes and broth. Bring to temperature without bringing to a boil. Season with Lawrey's Seasoned salt and white pepper to taste.
Also check out the Carnival of the Recipes at the Ministry of Minor Perfidy!
From Elizabeth (who really needs to get a blog of her own):
Classic Jewish insults and curses:
May you inherit a hotel and die in every room.
May your blood turn to whiskey so that a hundred bedbugs get drunk on it and dance the mazurka in your belly button.
May all your teeth fall out except one - and that should ache you.
May you fall into the outhouse just as a regiment of Ukrainians is finishing a prune stew and twelve barrels of beer.
May your teeth get angry and chew off your head.
May you have a lot of money, but may you be the only one in the family with it.
May you grow two more hands to scratch all your itches.
May you win the lottery and spend it all on doctors.
May you grow so rich your widow's second husband never has to worry about making a living.
May you back into a pitchfork and grab a hot stove for support.
May God mistake you for your worst enemy and give you all the curses you wished on him.
May you grow like an onion, with your head in the ground.
Jewish Bumper Stickers
Jesus saves. Moses invests.
If it tastes good, it's probably not kosher.
Why spoil a good meal with a big tip?
What business is a yenta in? Yours.
Prozac is like chicken soup: It doesn't cure anything, but it makes you feel better.
From Catfish, and posted especially for my BlogMama: STAY!!!!
I pulled into the crowded parking lot at the Super Wal-Mart Shopping Center and rolled down the car windows to make sure my Labrador Retriever Pup had fresh air. She was stretched full-out on the back seat and I wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. I walked to the curb backward, pointing my finger at the car and saying emphatically,"Now you stay. Do you hear me? Stay! Stay!"
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave me a strange look and said,"Why don't you just put it in park?"
From the Sweetheart of Shell Nob, MO: A Little Tap
A passenger in a taxi leaned to ask the driver a question and tapped him on the shoulder.
The driver screamed, lost control of the cab, nearly hit a bus, drove over the curb, and stopped inches from a large plate glass window.
For a few moments everything was silent, and the still shaking driver said, "I'm sorry but you scared the daylights out of me."
The frightened passenger apologized and said he didn't realize a mere tap on the shoulder could frighten him so much.
The driver replied, "No, no I'm sorry. It's entirely my fault. Today is my first day driving a cab. I've been driving a hearse for the last 25 years."
She also sent this, which I'm pretty sure is actually written about Old Crankypants:
Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to make their days interesting.
Well for example, the other day I went to Qualicum Beach and went to a shop on 2nd Street. I was only in there for about 5 minutes.
When I came out there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.
I went up to him and said, "Come on buddy, how about giving a senior citizen a break?"
He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
I called him a Nazi Bastard.
He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn tires.
So I called him a piece of stinking dog shit.
He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third ticket.
This went on for about 20 minutes. The more I abused him, the more tickets he wrote.
Personally, I didn't give a shit.
I came into town by bus.
(I try to have a little fun each day now that I'm retired. It's important at my age.)
First, the Chai-Rista and Pep devise a new Olympic sport, for which V-Man's monkey would be perfectly suited.
Next, I learn that not only does V-Man have Velocidaughters, he also has a son.
Finally, I caught another one of his pesky mutant monkeys j-walking near the bus stop:
(I think Kim du Toit sent him. Or maybe it was Og.)
Are you coming to the cat show today? If so, stop by the Lincoln State information booth and say hello.
You have come to a place mute of all light, where the wind bellows as the sea does in a tempest. This is the realm where the lustful spend eternity. Here, sinners are blown around endlessly by the unforgiving winds of unquenchable desire as punishment for their transgressions. The infernal hurricane that never rests hurtles the spirits onward in its rapine, whirling them round, and smiting, it molests them. You have betrayed reason at the behest of your appetite for pleasure, and so here you are doomed to remain. Cleopatra and Helen of Troy are two that share in your fate.
Here is how you matched up against all the levels:
|Purgatory (Repenting Believers)||High|
|Level 1 - Limbo (Virtuous Non-Believers)||Moderate|
|Level 2 (Lustful)||Very High|
|Level 3 (Gluttonous)||Moderate|
|Level 4 (Prodigal and Avaricious)||Very Low|
|Level 5 (Wrathful and Gloomy)||Low|
|Level 6 - The City of Dis (Heretics)||Very Low|
|Level 7 (Violent)||Moderate|
|Level 8- the Malebolge (Fraudulent, Malicious, Panderers)||High|
|Level 9 - Cocytus (Treacherous)||Low|
Take the Dante's Divine Comedy Inferno Test
Hmmm... Cleopatra and Helen of Troy. A couple of powerful broads, indeed.
(A tip of the cap to What Now Murphy.)
Since we're already on the topic of debauchery...
|Your Pimp Name Is...|
A tip of the cap to James Old Guy, Mr. Mactastic Love himself.)
One more thing --
This must be the week for the world's worst pick-up lines. First T1G gets pasted with a loser line. Last night, I got to hear, "You're really sexy for an older woman. What's your bra size?"
Smoooooooooooooth. Real smooth. I'm so flattered.
We're No. 1. Whoohoo!
- El Capitan is cat blogging in baby talk.
- Ryan is cat blogging.
- Even Harrison the Terriorist is cat blogging.
Don't forget to stop by the Friday Ark. And the Carnival of the Cats will be up Sunday evening at Bloggin' Outloud.
Update: Even James the Old and Evil is cat blogging. Heh!
Stop on by and send him warm birthday wishes. And be sure to tell him I sent you.
Me neither, especially after the last one where two of my sister's bridesmaids decided that we should all get tickets to "Naked Boys Singing." And not just any tickets, but front row seats.
While most of the girls were goggle-eyed at the wildly bobbling (at eye level) dangly bits, I was enjoying the story line of the play.
It's naked gay guys. Singing, dancing, naked gay guys. Exuberant singing, dancing, naked gay guys. A bunch of 'em.
(Betcha can't get that image out of your brain for the rest of the day!)
I'm a straight female.
There was nothing there for me to get excited about. But, somehow or other, the bridesmaids all found this fascinating and hilarious.
Ugh! Amateur hour. (The girls, not the actors.)
No. More. Bachelorette. Parties. Ever.
"Y'all know damn well that if I'd been able to be so cold hearted as to say, 'That's it kids, the fish are being flushed! This is a Fish Free Zone!', the whole damn family would have ended up in group therapy in 20 years."The Princess Mom would heartily approve.
This is why I wish Richmond lived about two doors down from me. The woman rocks.
Laurence Simon asks the cats, what "PUBH" stands for.
The Divine Miss Marilyn says, "Plumptuously-Bottomed Unmatchable Hunk. And he's MINE, no matter what Tiger Boots may think!"
Update: Hey! She's a cat in love. Nobody ever said she could keep her letters straight.
(Interested in coming to the show? Get the discount coupon here.)
Update: Well, that was fun! I got to show of a lovely Egyptian Mau girl, a Turkish Angora girl, and the 7th best cat in the country right now, a gorgeous Russian Blue male. Lucky me!
Update II: If you missed the Lunch Break, but would still like to see the spot, send me an email at Omnibus dot Driver at gmail dot com. I'll be happy to forward the link.
|Your Love Quote|
Does anyone know what happened to Queenie McFarland? Her blog's gone silent and emails to her bounce back. I miss her!
Don't you just love a good David and Goliath story? That just made my day.
My parents never would have bought this explanation. Then again, I never would have been stupid enough to go along with a stunt like this. (And I went to Glenbard East, not Glenbard West.)
Did you see the men's figure skating last night? I'm rooting for an underdog for silver or bronze this time. I really like Canada's Jeffrey Buttle. The kid's got pizzazz. Now if he could only land all his jumps.......
The man is a media whore -- nothing more, nothing less -- and he proves it by once again using the Kings' names to promote himself.
When Ktreva slipped one of my meat sticks into her mouth, the look of surprise on her face told me all I needed to know. The moaning and MmmmmMMMmmming told me she liked it. She kept trying to gobble up my meat the entire weekend.I'm still giggling.
"I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here." Stephen Bishop
"A modest little person, with much to be modest about." Winston Churchill (about Clement Atlee)
"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." Irvin S. Cobb
"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow
"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)
"He is not only dull himself, he is the cause of dullness in others." Samuel Johnson
"He had delusions of adequacy." Walter Kerr
"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." Groucho Marx
"They never open their mouths without subtracting from the sum of human knowledge." Thomas Brackett Reed
"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." Forrest Tucker
"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it. " Mark Twain
"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." Mae West
"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others whenever they go." Oscar Wilde
"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." Oscar Wilde
"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." Billy Wilder
Also from Elizabeth... posted especially for Catfish and GuyK:
A drunk walks out of a bar with a key in his hand and he is stumbling back and forth.
A cop on the beat sees him and approaches "Can I help you, sir?"
"Yessh! Ssssomebody ssstole my carrr" the man replies.
The cop asks "Where was your car the last time you saw it?"
"It wasss on the end of thisshh key" the man replies.
About that time the cop looks down and sees the man's weiner hanging out of his fly for all the world to see. He asks the man "Sir are you aware that you are exposing yourself?"
Momentarily confused, the drunk looks down at his crotch and without missing a beat, blurts out..........
"Holy sh*t..... my girlfriend's gone, too!!!!!"
The Sweetheart of Shell Knob, MO also sent one for Cat and Guy:
Latest scam, and according to Snopes.Com, this one is real. Be careful.
I am a victim of the latest scam which is happening in shopping mall parking lots of the Detroit area.
Two good looking young women come to your car as you are parking. One starts wiping your windshield with a rag and the other comes to your window and bends over so far her breasts just about fall out of her blouse.
While you're distracted, the other one lets herself in the back-seat.
Then both are begging you for a ride home.
Be very wary, because as soon as you start driving, one of them will take off her shirt and rub her breasts on you while the other climbs over the seat and unzips your pants.
This is when they steal your wallet.
I was robbed last Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday.
I couldn't find them on Saturday.
|Your Candy Heart Says "Cutie Pie"|
You always seem to have a hot date, even though you never try to meet anyone.
A total charmer, you have a natural appeal that keeps you in high demand.
Your ideal Valentine's Day date: multiple dates with multiple people
Your flirting style: 100% natural
What turns you off: serious relationship talks
Why you're hot: you're totally addicting
(A tip of the cap to Pammy!)
I have four words for this: Not. On. Your. Nelly.
Great. NOW they tell me.
After I bought this for myself.
I'm doomed -- doomed, I tell you.
Ah, yes. The 1970's when saccharine caused cancer in lab rats... because they were each fed hundreds of times a normal human's consumption of the stuff.
Miss the good old days? Nah. Everything old is new again.
This guy is a Tiglon. He was caged his entire life before he arrived at TCWR. The problem with this hybrid, and with Ligers, is that they tend to have a lot of physical problems -- and he is no exception. He has bone cancer. But he'll live out the rest of his life in the comfort of an outdoor habitat.
The keepers told us that when the door to his cage opened and he stepped into his new habitat... he smiled. I don't know about you, but that really choked me up.
I understand that these animals are beautiful -- but I don't understand how anyone would be idiot enough to think they'd make good pets, and it infuriates me that so many of them are so easily disposed of when they get too big to handle.
They're gorgeous... and they belong in nature, not somebody's basement or back yard.
Many of the animals at TCWR are awaiting new habitats. TCWR is going on my donation list this year.
I'd love to go back for a PhotoWild session, or a stay at the bed and breakfast on site.
This is downright disappointing. I expected better of Gretzky.
Update: Okay, so the guy was just trying to rescue his wife here. Still... nah. Not going there.
This is just creepy. Ick.
Stuff like this always turns out to be fraudulent. Why do people even bother?
I almost wish they hadn't found this place. You just know it'll end up as an eco-tourism spot, and sooner rather than later. Why do we always have to screw with nature?
Quote of the day: "These were not MY peniseseses."
(A tip of the cap to Ragingmom.)
The buck stops with Cardinal Francis George. Period. Whatever process was put in place to protect children from suspected pedophile priests didn't work.
The cardinal is responsible for protecting and serving his flock, no matter how overburdened he may be.
As a columnist and a member of his flock, I am entitled to an opinion.
I've got a better use for all those crosiers pointing in my direction:
Instead, use your shepherd's crooks, symbols of your office, to lead the children of your flocks to safety.
Good for Sneed. It's about time the media took the gloves off when it comes to criticizing the leadership of the Catholic church in Chicago.
There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone brother .
2. He liked Gospel.
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his Mother was sure He was God.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with His hands.
2. He had wine with His meals.
3. He used olive oil.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut His hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was an American Indian
1. He was at peace with nature.
2. He ate a lot of fish.
3. He talked about the Great Spirit.
But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.
But the most compelling evidence of all - 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food.
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when He was dead, He had to get up because there was work to do.
(A tip of the cap to the Sweetheart of Shell Knob, MO.)
Furthermore, unless I specifically ask, I don't want to know: 1) how much it cost; 2) where you got it; or 3) how old it is (unless it's a treasured family heirloom or a cherished gift).
Sandy's two-word answer will suffice. And a smile.
Can you say -- Really. Poor. Judgment?
(Not to mention Extremely. Bad. Taste?)
"People who live a virtual life don't have actual experiences. Their blogs tend to reflect that.She's either reading the wrong blogs or not reading blogs at all. (And she's certainly not reading the Tribune's own blogs.)
"I can't understand why people are so hungry to share their every waking thought with the rest of the world -- and I certainly don't understand why people are interested in reading these musings, personal details and outright lies."
I, on the other hand, agree with my pal Zonker:
"I've met some wonderful people through blogging. If I'd not started blogging, I'd never have met them. Really. Whether here in the States or overseas, our paths would never have crossed. Perhaps I'd have cut them off in traffic. Perhaps they'd have flipped me the bird. But the chances of me having met any of these people otherwise...slim to none. It amazes me. If I'd not started blogging, I'd have missed out on a lot of true friendships. Worse still, I would not even know that I was missing out. That last bit just blows my mind. I'd never even know. Damn."I'm with him.
Oh. And Ms. Dickinson should also visit Jay and Deb, who met through their blogs and now have a second child on the way.
It's true! Bloggers have no actual experiences, and their blogs reflect it.
If you disagree with her, drop her a little note at firstname.lastname@example.org. I know I'm going to.
Update: Mr. Helpful pointed out something that went zipping straight over my head. This is the biggest case of pot calling the kettle black in recent history. C'mon! Amy Dickinson mines through piles of people's "musings, personal details and outright lies" every day. And then publishes them in her column... and makes money from doing so. Back to the top this goes!
Miss Manners, on the other hand, is the bomb:
"It is not only the magnitude of your nerve that makes it rude. Soliciting donations and presents has become so commonplace that people now believe trolling for money and goods is only tasteless when it seems especially greedy. You would get the prize for that, but those who make smaller demands are no less rude. Just less imaginative."
(Gah! Now I'll be hearing that earworm all day long...)
You Are an Irish Coffee
At your best, you are: wild, spontaneous, and outgoing
At your worst, you are: too extreme and reckless
You drink coffee when: you want to keep drinking booze
Your caffeine addiction level: low
(A tip of the cap to Mostly Cajun.)
Hahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'd love to be in court on the day they raise that defense!
Of course, they still haven't been arrested. Bet they'll blame "W" for that, too, when that day comes.
When I was living in New Hampshire, this would have been a hot night out. But there wasn't nearly that much excitement in the little town I lived in...
What? And she didn't blame "W", too?
And this guy was banned... but did he blame Bush? No way. He took it like a man.
Energize Your Underpants
Tuesday, January 31, 2006
Forget the Flintstones, all you need for your daily vitamin dose is a pair of souped-up skivvies. Trendy Australian undies maker aussieBum has rolled out vitamin-infused undies called Essence, according to The New York Post.
Company founder Sean Ashby told the paper health-care giant Bayer developed the drawers' special blend of polyester and lycra to "trap organic substances, which are then released slowly by natural body heat."
The enlivening underpants offer "dermo-protective properties" and "give your whole body an overall feeling of well-being," the company said.
The beefed-up briefs come in acerola, a plant rich in vitamin C, ginseng and the company hopes to release a Viagra version soon, Ashby told The Post.
The concept was cooked up by "a bunch of us sitting around the pub last year, having a few beers, when I asked, 'What can we do with our knickers that'll be the next big thing?'" Ashby told The Post.
"One of my guys joked that we should put vitamins in them and everyone laughed. But the next day I realized what a great idea that was," he said.
The $24 laced lingerie debuts in New York next month at men's retail chain Universal Gear they were launched in Australia and Europe last month.
The toughened tighty-whities stay vital through 15 washings, and then should be soaked in "Essence Extender" to re-energize them, Ashby told The Post.
Some 25,000 pairs of invigorating underpants have already been sold worldwide so far.
[So the next time you see someone with more pep in their step than usual, you're going to wonder, aren't you?]
(A tip of the cap to Catfish.)
|Your Five Factor Personality Profile|
You have medium extroversion.
You're not the life of the party, but you do show up for the party.
Sometimes you are full of energy and open to new social experiences.
But you also need to hibernate and enjoy your "down time."
You have high conscientiousness.
Intelligent and reliable, you tend to succeed in life.
Most things in your life are organized and planned well.
But you borderline on being a total perfectionist.
You have medium agreeableness.
You're generally a friendly and trusting person.
But you also have a healthy dose of cynicism.
You get along well with others, as long as they play fair.
You have low neuroticism.
You are very emotionally stable and mentally together.
Only the greatest setbacks upset you, and you bounce back quickly.
Overall, you are typically calm and relaxed - making others feel secure.
Openness to experience:
Your openness to new experiences is medium.
You are generally broad minded when it come to new things.
But if something crosses a moral line, there's no way you'll approve of it.
You are suspicious of anything too wacky, though you do still consider creativity a virtue.
(A tip of the cap to the Accidental Jedi.)
You know, last night wasn't so bad. If I can sleep soundly with a snorkle under my nose, wires stuck to me everywhere, and a pesky aide who kept waking me up (or trying to. I pretty much dozed through both adjustments) because a couple of the sensors were on the fritz, I can live with a CPAP machine.
If you've thought about getting the testing done, but were afraid you'd have to wear that awful, alien-like thing over your face and head, ask about a nasal pillow. Truthfully, I'd be claustrophobic if I had to wear the whole mask doo-dah. But the nasal pillow is lighter in weight and a LOT less restrictive.
More in a week or two when I get my own rig and have a few days to try it on my own, in my own bed.
And speaking of stupid women... I wish Antonio Davis good luck. Really, I do.
What planet does this clueless wonder come from?
Oh, goody! Another clueless wonder. And this one has a "Y" chromosome, too. Amazing.
If I had a real cluebat I'd be playing whack-a-moron today.
Quick! Hand me that cluebat! I'm not done yet. (I can't believe this. No, wait. It's an Illinois politician. Maybe I can...)
(A tip of the cap to Jim Treacher, whose other blogging location I refuse to link to on the grounds that I just gave up the evil weed. Go find it yourself.)
So, I'm headed back off to the sleep medicine center tonight to get wired for sound and hooked up for a permanent anti-snore machine. Egads, this has stirred up a shitstorm of clashing opinions! Who knew apnea was such a controversial topic?
Will sleeping with a CPAP rig take some getting used to? I assume so. However, I have chosen one of the more streamlined options -- more like wearing a snorkle than having an alien plastered to my face and wrapped around my head.
Uncomfortable? Maybe. But no more so than the week I spent sleeping in shooting earmuffs. (That's a whole 'nuther story.) If I can sleep in shooting earmuffs, I can get used to a snorkle.
I'm sure these machines aren't for everyone. But if it works for me, if it puts a little more pep in my step and allows me to bounce out of bed happy and wide awake every morning, I'm willing to give it a whirl. I'm tired of having a draggin' wagon all the time.
(Quite frankly, the biggest pain in the ha-ha about this whole process is not being able to have any caffeinated beverages for 8 hours before the testing. And let me tell you, decaf is nasty. No, it does not taste like real coffee. Not any more than Equal tastes like Spenda tastes like Sweet'n Low tastes like sugar. Yes. I can tell 'em apart blindfolded and holding my nose.)
Welcome her to the blogroll, will you? I should have given her mad props quite a while ago.
(And yes, I just realized this today. It made me giggle.)
It's posts like this that are the reason I troll through med-blogs every once in a while.
Quote of the day: "You're not the boss of me...Bruce Springsteen is the boss of me."
(Holy moley! They got a book deal!)
Hmmm.... I got my first "Where's George?" dollar today. I logged it in and then passed it on to my boss, who's got an 8 year old son. They're going to follow the dollar trail together. Neat. (And the 8 year old will be happy, because he's got to spend the dollar in order for it to move!)