"'I am not a religious man. I am a pagan, actually. But seeing Jesus still standing was awesome,' said Ken Hallober, a Melrose Park native who works in New Orleans selling statues and making Mardi Gras beads."
See what happens when you don't neuter Jesus?
"[T]he next time you hear some pointy-headed fartknocker beating up on the United States for being "stingy" in times of trouble, for being reluctant to share the wealth, even with those in the direst need, ask 'im where the first relief came from, during his native country's last natural disaster. Ask him who showed up first, with supplies and fresh water. Then ask him where his country was after Katrina."
The brilliant Barry Beelzebub on reality TV:
(At least it's not in red ink!)
Find James Dean's car, win $1 million.
I'll take a book of these great American scientist stamps for my BlogDaddy. (A tip of the cap to J-Walk!)
Professor Bainbridge makes a very good point here. Scary. Very scary.
Another example of why I can't wait to meet this evil genius. September 30th can't come fast enough for me!
*That's like saying it's a little bit damp in the Big Easy today.
Here's what Joan Miller, Legislative Coordinator for the Cat Fanciers' Association has to say:
Alert from the Cat Fanciers' Association (CFA)
Appropriate forwarding/cross posting is appreciated.
THE NEXT STEP:
The Senate Agriculture subcommittee hearing on PAWS (SB 1139) is expected to be scheduled near the end of September. This is the time to concentrate on effectively reaching the eleven subcommittee members.
Members are listed on the CFA website - the Agriculture "Research, Nutrition and General Legislation" Subcommittee, chaired by Senator Rick Santorum (author of PAWS).
Each member's state is noted. They will listen to their own CONSTITUENTS.
If you (or family or friends) live in the following 11 states PLEASE write to your member of the subcommittee. Letters sent to senators by FAX are preferred.
Your help is needed NOW.
Pennsylvania (Santorum, Chair, Author of SB 1139)
Send a copy of your letter to Senator Saxby Chambliss (R-GA), Chairman of the full Senate Agriculture Committee.
If you do not live in a subcommittee member's state your letters are still important. Continue to use the CFA pre-addressed email form to reach the full Agriculture Committee Legislative Assistants. Add your own words or paste a copy of your letter to the Subcommittee here.
Continue to follow instructions so that your cat club, breed council or organization will be listed on the Opponents List.
PAWS contact information - http://www.cfainc.org/exhibitors/PAWS-committee.html
WHERE ARE WE NOW
It has become apparent to anyone who has examined the PAWS bill that this proposal is confusing, badly drafted and full of uncertainties. Even the supporters acknowledge flaws in this bill, which they believe can be rectified with some language modifications. Others are aware that if PAWS were to become law the needed US Department of Agriculture rulemaking would go on for years. There is little chance that standards of care or regulations suitable for the newly licensed "dealers" raising cats and dogs in a home environment could be easily established. Existing Class A dealers with commercial separate facilities will object to special considerations for hobby/retail breeders' homes.
Letters to the congressional subcommittee members need to include points that are basic and simple in addition to addressing the specific objections. Here are some suggestions that are directed toward fundamental problems with PAWS.
PAWS TARGETS THE WRONG PEOPLE.
***The PAWS bill does not simply "close a loophole" in the Animal Welfare Act, as supporters claim. The PAWS bill is against individuals selling cats, dogs and other animals to the pet owning public. The PAWS bill is a step toward eventually ending the breeding of pure bred dogs and pedigreed cats in a home setting. [Emphasis mine.]
***The PAWS bill is a dramatic change in the fundamental concept of the Animal Welfare Act, which is to license dealers who sell to the pet trade (to pet stores and brokers).
***The PAWS bill federalizes the breeding of home-raised animals - the optimum source of well socialized pets. If fanciers and hobby breeders are forced to discontinue or reduce their breeding programs, the public demand for well socialized pets will shift to less desirable sources. Fewer breed enthusiasts will result in the loss of genetic diversity - many rare breeds will no longer be preserved.
***The PAWS bill does not benefit the welfare of dogs in large substandard commercial kennels. In fact the thousands of added cat and dog hobbyists will greatly overburden the US Department of Agriculture making it harder to properly enforce the Animal Welfare Act.
***The PAWS bill was written without solid facts and without input from all stakeholders. Radical changes to the Animal Welfare Act should not be implemented without some investigation and data.
WHAT CAN OR CANNOT BE DONE
Senator Santorum's office says they will "mark up" the bill to correct some wording and unintended consequences, such as breeders who would become dealers if they sell only one bird, rabbit, guinea pig, or other warm blooded animal. The Senator has said he will find a way to exclude the "true" rescue groups. There seems to be some recognition that the "high-volume" thresholds established in the bill would unnecessarily impact small or moderate sized breeders of pedigreed cats.
Unfortunately the PAWS bill cannot be easily "fixed". Taking care of the problems in this bill is beyond the ability of one Senate subcommittee or one hearing.
CONSIDER THE FACTS
PAWS supporters claim the legislation is needed because there is a growing problem of large scale selling of dogs/cats through mass media outlets such as magazines or the Internet. But reports of large dog kennels selling direct to the public at retail have not been validated. Only 3 to 6% at most of all pet cats in the United States come from cat breeders and there are few large scale breeders of cats. At least one national pet owner survey shows that cats and dogs are NOT acquired through mass media sources like the Internet or even newspaper advertising. Pet dogs are mostly acquired from friends/family, shelters or private breeders. Cats are mostly acquired from friends/family, shelters or as strays.
The alleged growing threat from mass importing of dogs from outside the United States has not been verified. Is this problem perceived as unfair market competition? Are concerns health related? Does it even exist? The USDA cannot regulate facilities of breeders in other countries. Animal brokers are already licensed. If supporters of PAWS are opposed to imported dogs from other countries being sold directly to the public is this any different from those importing and selling through shelters?
There are some enforcement provisions included in the PAWS bill. Will these improve regulation yet be fair to the dealers? A report from the USDA on the ways in which the Animal Welfare Act can be best enforced, the risks of noncompliance and whether the numbers of inspectors or other resources are adequate should be made available.
WHAT TO SAY
***Urge the Senate Subcommittee members to OPPOSE SB 1139 entirely - this bill is fundamentally misdirected, poorly written and without substantiated findings.
***Ask the Senators to request that the USDA, as a government agency, convene a STUDY COMMITTEE to investigate the facts or problems surrounding large scale marketing of pets in America including an evaluation of the current enforcement of the Animal Welfare Act. Ask that adequate stakeholder input be assured.
***We care about the welfare of animals and how they are raised. The large commercial breeders selling to the pet trade may have the resources to comply with USDA regulation; but the PAWS bill will be the end of the breeding programs of many conscientious pedigreed cat/purebred dog breeders, along with other animals. Those who lovingly raise animals in their homes and sell directly to the public provide the optimum pets. Help them to survive - defeat PAWS.
CFA Legislative Coordinator
HSUS is actively recruiting support for PAWS from shelters and rescues. Below is the text of a message from Joanne Bourbeau, HSUS NE Regional Director that went out to all animal workers in Massachusetts yesterday.
"Attention shelters and rescue groups, 2 minutes of your time can really help.
Attached is an endorsement form to use to record your support of the federal Pet Animal Welfare Statute (PAWS) legislation.
PAWS, commonly known as "the puppy mill bill" will go far in regulating commercial, high-volume breeders of dogs who escape inspection through a loophole in the Animal Welfare Act. Small, hobby breeders are not covered under PAWS. [UNTRUE!]
PAWS is supported by all major national animal welfare groups including The ASPCA, American Humane Assocaition, Animal Protection Institute, Doris Day Animal League, Humane Society of the United States, Society for Animal Protective Legislation and the World Society for the Protection of Animals. We hope you will add your name to this list!
Please sign and fax, or fill out and respond via email, completed forms to: Kelley Dupps in The HSUS Government Affairs department. You can reach Kelley at firstname.lastname@example.org<mailto:email@example.com> or via fax at 202-676-2301.
For more information about PAWS, go to www.hsus.org/pets
New England Regional Office
The Humane Society of the United States"
Write to your senator. Spread the word to your friends. This requires action, and FAST.
A brunette, a redhead and a blonde are in a breast stroke race. The starter's gun goes off and the three girls dive into the pool. The brunette and the redhead shoot across the pool and get out; 20 minutes later the blonde reaches the end and gets out.
The judge says, "The gold medal goes to the brunette, the silver medal goes to the redhead, and the bronze goes to the blonde".
The blonde says, "I don't want to be a sore loser, but I think the other girls were using their arms."
Speaking of blondes, I blush to admit that this one came from the Sweetheart of Shell Knob, MO:
Gorgeous Blonde Pole Dancer
(Cover your eyes if you're easily offended)
(Naughty, naughty! I see you're still scrolling.)
(Cute as a button, isn't she?)
"That's unsettling -- plus, nobody wants the nickname Nips Akimbo." Heh!
(I dunno about that, though. Sounds like a new Bond Girl to me!)
Professor Bainbridge makes a funny here. Who says a law professor can't have a sense of humor?
Tiger has the quintessential mother-in-law joke here.
From Nancy V., some Sunday School lessons:
THE GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, "If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?"
A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, "I think I'd throw up."
STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah, the Prophet, and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut the steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill for barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times.
"Now," said the teacher, "can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?"
A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, "I know, I know," she said, "to make the gravy!"
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot's wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Johnny interrupted, "My Mummy looked back once, while she was DRIVING," he announced triumphantly, "and she turned into a telephone pole!
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, "Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark?"
"No," replied Johnny. "How could he, with just two worms."
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, "We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power, Can anybody tell me what it is?"
One child blurted out, "Aces!"
Nine-year-old Joey was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school.
"Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt. When he got to the Red Sea, he had his engineers build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he used his walkie-talkie to radio headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved."
"Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?" his mother asked.
"Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher said, you'd never believe it!"
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday School teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse.
Little Bobby was excited about the task. But, he just couldn't remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation, Bobby was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, "The Lord is my shepherd and that's all I need to know."
AFRAID OF THE DARK
A little boy was afraid of the dark. One night his mother told him to go out to the back porch and bring her the broom.
The little boy turned to his mother and said, "Mama, I don't want to go out there. It's dark."
The mother smiled reassuringly at her son. "You don't have to be afraid of the dark," she explained. "Jesus is out there. He'll look after you and protect you."
The little boy looked at his mother real hard and asked, "Are you sure he's out there?"
"Yes, I'm sure. He is everywhere, and he is always ready to help you when you need him," she said.
The little boy thought about that for a minute and then went to the back door and cracked it a little. Peering out into the darkness, he called, "Jesus? If you're out there, would you please hand me the broom?"
We might as well say: 1) God is anything you want him/her/it to be; 2) change any church doctrine that makes you feel icky; 3) if it feels good, do it.
Spare me from social and moral apologists, okay?
I'm not a usually the Oracle of Doom and Gloom, but Christians seem to be committing acts of societal suicide at an astounding rate, especially American Christians.
And if I feel this way, imagine how Kim DuToit will react...
Speaking of societal suicide, it appears our friends in the UK aren't all that far behind us. (Can we go back to paddling now?)
A couple of quick political notes:
This is the only acknowledgement I will make of Cindy Sheehan. I'm sorry her son died. But she's not the only mother who has lost a son or daughter in battle, and she does not speak for anyone but herself. The only way to stop this craziness is to ignore her. Totally.
The same goes for that moonbat Fred Phelps.
Their messages are hateful, and they thrive on media attention. This is the last they get of mine.
And now for more barking moonbat lunacy, the California Food Police are at it again. Good golly, Miss Molly! If you aren't already leery of the grease, salt and carbohydrates contained in french fries and chips, now you have to be worried about some chemical that may or may not be harmful? We might as well stop eating, drinking and breathing right now, if that's the case. Who knows what harmful stuff we may be ingesting at any given second?
"Illinois is currently experiencing rapid population growth because an Illinoisan's only natural predator is the Wisconsin State Highway Patrol."
This is a must read for all Illinois residents, or anyone contemplating visiting the Land of Lincoln. But be sure to either put down the beverage first or shield the monitor.
Quote of the day, from my buddy Donna, an Executive Assistant, to our tech support guy: "You know, the problem with all this new technology is that there's too damned much of it."
Man, I feel old now...
Since I travel a lot of those same roads, I know what he means.
So I write to V-Man and ask him if I should bring some of this native Chicago treat. What does he respond? "We need more Frangoes. And cowbell."
So I'm asking: Anybody got a cowbell they can lend me? I aim to fulfill this mission.
El Capitan isn't going to like that idea... especially the bit about reduction of peyote button intake.
“I have communed with the Great Pasta at length,” Tundra said, “and it has told me that we must produce more Vikings or the Earth is doomed. It also said that I should really reduce my peyote button intake.”
The new sect, called the Norse Pastafarians, have suggested that the false religion fell into the trap of thinking it was pirates that have caused so many disasters because they do not take a “long, historical view” of human history. They also do not believe in redundancy.
(A tip of the cap to the Conservative Cat.)
Dear Friends and Family,
I recently accepted the challenge of walking in the American Diabetes Association's America's Walk for Diabetes fund-raising event. I am taking part in this event because I believe in and support the Association's mission: to prevent and cure diabetes and to improve the lives of all people affected by diabetes.
You, too, can help by supporting my fund-raising efforts with a generous contribution. Your tax-deductible gift will make a difference to more than 18 million Americans who are affected by diabetes and another 40 million who are at risk for developing diabetes. It is faster and easier than ever to support this great cause - you can make your donation online by simply clicking the link at the bottom of this message. If you would prefer, you can also send your tax-deductible contribution to me at the address listed below.
More information on the American Diabetes Association, its programs, and diabetes in general can be found at the Association's Web site, http://www.diabetes.org/. To find out more information on our America's Walk for Diabetes, please visit walk.diabetes.org.
Whatever you can give will help! I greatly appreciate your support and will keep you posted on my progress.
To donate online, click here.
Hey, Denny and Professor Bainbridge! Help me out here. Think we can get the International Sommelier Guild to host a tasting?
Hmmmmm... This is not that far from where I live, and will bear watching in the news. I'd feel much better about the idea if the builder wasn't Cambridge Homes.
It was interesting, then, to receive this article from him today. The debate continues, even in the religious and scientific communities. Fascinating, isn't it?
Another insult to America's heritage at Freedom Center
How International Freedom Center risks fostering anti-U.S. sentiment
By DOUGLAS FEIDEN, DAILY NEWS STAFF WRITER
A global network of human rights museums is urging the International Freedom Center to downplay America in its exhibits and programs at Ground Zero, the Daily News has learned.
The outrageous request is the latest controversy to torment the Freedom Center, whose leaders have tried to dispel the perception that it would be a home for America bashers.
"Don't feature America first," the IFC has been advised by the consortium of 14 "museums of conscience" that quietly has been consulting with the Freedom Center for the past two years over plans for the hallowed site. "Think internationally, where America is one of the many nations of the world."
Those words rang hollow with some 9/11 family members.
"I can't think of a greater insult than to invite museums from other countries of the world to come and exploit what should be America's memorial," said Jack Lynch, who helped carry the body of his firefighter son Michael, 30, out of the rubble.
"If you're going to explore slavery, the Holocaust or women's rights, you should do it at Chelsea Piers or on the East River waterfront - anywhere but Ground Zero," said Debra Burlingame, whose brother Charles, 51, was the pilot of the plane that crashed into the Pentagon. "After all, it was not slavery that caused the terrorists to attack us," said Burlingame, who has led the fight to bar the IFC.
Under fire from 9/11 family members and Gov. Pataki, the IFC on July 6 pronounced itself proudly patriotic, vowed never to "blame America"and said it would celebrate the nation's "leading role in the global fight for freedom."
In April, however, the Freedom Center said on its Web site and newsletter that it had "drawn inspiration" and received "important practical advice" from the International Coalition of Historic Site Museums of Conscience.
"We have many, many advisers who have given us lots of advice," Richard Tofel, Freedom Center president, said last week. "Some of it we've taken and some of it we haven't - that's the nature of advice."
He said the National Constitution Center in Philadelphia and the Holocaust Memorial Museum in Washington had most inspired the IFC's vision, and that the new Abraham Lincoln Presidential Museum in Illinois was also offering extensive advice.
The firefighters union already has demanded the Freedom Center be booted from Ground Zero, and state officials have given it until Sept. 23 to satisfy the objections of family members.
Located in nine countries on five continents, the coalition museums chronicle apartheid in South Africa, slavery in Senegal, torture in Argentina, racism in the South and internment of Japanese-Americans in California, along with other historical horrors.
"No one in the civilized world would ever defend what happened on 9/11," said Sarwar Ali, the coalition's chairman and a trustee of theLiberation War Museum in Bangladesh.
"But what happened after 9/11 - with restrictions placed on human rights and the cycle of revenge and the allegations of human rights abuses in prisons - must also be explored," Ali said in a call from London.
Coalition members gathered for their annual conference at a Holocaust site in the Czech Republic in July 2004 - and assailed the United States for "reasserting its power in an arrogant way," the conference report shows.
Among its suggestions for the place where the United States was attacked and nearly 3,000 innocents massacred: "The Freedom Center must signal its openness to contrary ideas."
Philip Kunhardt, the Freedom Center's editorial director, was in attendance at a session called Bringing Conscience to Ground Zero and was given this advice:
"Help distinguish between American people and the U.S. government in exhibits..."
"Use reports from human rights organizations to examine contemporary abuse of rights."
"Involve the United Nations, UNESCO and other international bodies."
"Use the museum as a venue for international meetings, where all views are welcomed and considered."
At the conference, the coalition also leveled barbs at the IFC: "The Freedom Center is a caricature of the typical American response to everything [telling every story from an American viewpoint]."
Members of the coalition also expressed these concerns:
"It seems that whatever Americans want, Americans get!" the conference report states. "Is the definition of the 'struggle for freedom' simply defined by the victors, or also by those engaged in ongoing struggles? Will Americans really create a balanced vision of freedom?"
"The WTC was attacked because it was a symbol of power and influence. In building the Freedom Tower, the U.S. reasserts its power in an arrogant way: Does this mean the U.S. will not only build the biggest building, but also define freedom for the world?"
"Many nonsecular Muslims may be very skeptical about the intent of this museum (e.g. the average Bangladeshi condemns the Sept. 11 attacks, yet at the same time feels his/her human rights have been violated by the U.S.)."
Kunhardt, an ordained Episcopal minister and the writer of the PBS series "Freedom: A History of Us," mostly listened. He agreed with some things that were said, disagreeing with others, an observer said. He didn't return calls.
Tofel said preliminary plans call for an exchange of exhibits with some coalition museums.
"It is hoped and expected that temporary exhibits at the IFC will originate at, or travel to, some of the Historic Site Museums of Conscience - and perhaps vice versa," he said in an E-mail.
Originally published on August 21, 2005
Update: Ye, Gods! Even QT has climbed on to the Church of the FSM bandwagon!
Seems Senator Durbin is doing a political Courtney Love-style flaming death spiral into ignominy. (A tip of the cap to Professor Bainbridge.)
Og delivers a smackdown.
The brats had been steamed in beer, then lightly grilled. The buns were fresh. The condiments were many, varied and plentiful. The fries were just how I like them -- salty, greasy and gloppy with cheese.
When we went to pick up our order, Buckaroo Bonsai asked the "chef" at the grill about the quality of the ribs ($9.95 for a 1 lb. slab). Reggie (that's his name) told us that the ribs were great, and that he smoked them himself. We thanked him, and headed back to our table to pig out on brats and beer. Just a few minutes later, Reggie appeared at our table and held out a half slab of ribs to each of us to try... at no charge. Beautiful pork spare ribs with a sweet, slightly tangy sauce, falling-off-the-bone tender. Yum!
We ended lunch with mustard and relish up to our elbows, and barbeque sauce from ear to ear. (I have a theory about what makes food good: You either have to use every pan in the kitchen to make it, or it has to be messy to eat; in fact, the messier, the better. Famous Freddie's proves the messy-to-eat theory, without question.)
Famous Freddie's has nightly beer and/or cocktail specials, including $1 mixed drinks on Wednesdays. In addition, on Fridays and Saturdays they have live music upstairs and DJ music, with large dance floors in both sections of the roadhouse.
It ain't a fancy joint... but the food is delicious and inexpensive, the drinks are big and cheap, the chef is a peach and our waitress Lisa (who also bartends) was a doll. We're going back, and soon.
I had an offer from someone to take these 5 cats (carriers provided) all the way from Okemos, MI to Kenosha, WI. However, I've received no replies to my emails & phone calls, so I'm beginning to panic.
If you can help, please contact me directly at:
*****PLEASE CROSS POST WIDELY*****
OKEMOS, MI - KENOSHA, WI
MONDAY - AUGUST 22ND
****DATE & LEGS ARE VERY FLEXIBLE*****
REASON FOR TRANSPORT: Shelter to Rescue
COMING FROM: Mary Christine Seeley - Temp Foster
DESTINATION: Specialty Purebred Cat Rescue
ORGANIZATION RESPONSIBLE FOR TRANSPORT:
CFA Purebred Rescue, Inc
/DBA Purebred Cat Breed Rescue
Ragdoll Rescue USA/International
CFA Purebred Rescue, Inc - Transport Coordinator
(618) 624-2511 Fax (618) 624-4492
PASSENGERS: 5 Adult Cats
BREED/SPECIES: Various Breeds
AGE: 1-3 Years
ALTERED: Will be altered by rescue
TESTED NEGATIVE FOR FIV/FELV: Yes
UTD ON RABIES & OTHER VACS: Yes
CARRIER: Will be provided
*****PLEASE CROSS POST WIDELY*****
OKEMOS, MI - KENOSHA, WI
MONDAY - AUGUST 22ND
****DATE & LEGS ARE VERY FLEXIBLE*****
Leg 1 - Okemos, MI - Battle Creek, MI - NEED
62 Miles 1 Hour
Depart: 10:00 AM Arrive: 11:00 AM
Leg 2 - Battle Creek, MI - Hartford, MI - NEED
55 Miles 46 Minutes
Depart: 11:15 AM Arrive: 12:00 PM
Leg 3 - Hartford, MI - Michigan City, IN - NEED
58 Miles 53 Minutes
Depart: 12:10 PM Arrive: 1:05 PM
Leg 4 - Michigan City, IN - Lansing, IL - NEED
40 Miles 47 Minutes
Depart: 1:05 PM Arrive: 1:55 PM - Eastern
12:05 PM 12:55 PM - Central
Leg 5 - Lansing, IL - Skokie, IL - NEED
40 Miles 53 Minutes
Depart: 1:10 PM Arrive: 2:05 PM
Leg 6 - Skokie, IL - Kenosha, WI - NEED
49 Miles 1 Hour
Depart: 2:15 PM Arrive: 3:15 PM
Ragdoll Rescue USA/International
CFA Purebred Rescue Board of Directors
Purebred Rescue Coordinator (CFA & TICA)
Rescues involve taking cats from "kill" shelters to loving rehabilitators... and, in the long run, loving homes. If the cats can't be picked up, they will not survive.
It's a worthy cause, and you'll feel good about yourself when you're done. (I know we can't save them all, but we sure can do our best.)
So........ My buddy Moogie wanted to hear about yesterday's dinner at Le Titi de Paris.
We used the Dine Out deal, and were expecting a 3-course meal. Instead, Le Titi offered their Four Course Mini Gourmand menu. A huge treat, indeed. In fact, the ambience and food were as fine as anything I found in Paris itself. Soothing shades of green, rose and antique gold. Soft lighting. Cozy booth. Solicitous wait staff. A hot wine tip straight from the owner. And the food...
... Well... Let's just call it "Tantric Gustation" -- a concentrated sensual experience that cannot and should not be rushed, but instead savored and prolonged. From the amuse bouche of cold leek and pear soup to the post-dessert mini cookies and hazelnut creme-filled dark chocolates (okay, add them and it was SIX courses), it was pure sensory bliss. The kind of flavors and textures that make you want to roll around in your plate and wear it. Layers of spice, salt, sweet, savory and sour that explode on your tongue, one after another and build, break in waves and build again from course to course. It's the kind of cuisine that makes you feel naughty for indulging yourself. Ooooh la la!
My eyes rolled back in my head several times. I hummed happy noises. I kept sliding down in my seat. I all but danced in my chair. (Fortunately, Buckaroo Bonsai is as much of a foodie as moi, so I was not alone in my experience and expression of epicurean ecstacy.) Imagine Meg Ryan in "When Harry Met Sally." Yes. By the end of the evening, we had redefined replete.
If you're in the Chicago area, for God's sake make yourself a reservation. And take someone you're crazy about. You'll thank me for it.
(Tip: If you see an ominous glow in the sky, followed by a humongous mushroom cloud, she's read this.)
I am SO glad I'm not this age any more...
Hahahahaha!!!!! (That just tickles the hell out of this here Executive Assistant.)
(If I haven't put you up there yet and you think you belong, it's simply an oversight on my part. Drop me a line in the comments and I'll rectify immediately.)
Thought for the Day (from Deborah):
As we grow up, we learn that even the one person that wasn't supposed to ever let you down probably will.
You will have your heart broken probably more than once and it's harder every time. You'll break hearts too, so remember how it felt when yours was broken.
You'll fight with your best friend.
You'll blame a new love for things an old one did.
You'll cry because time is passing too fast, and you'll eventually lose someone you love.
So take too many pictures, laugh too much, and love like you've never been hurt because every sixty seconds you spend upset is a minute of happiness you'll never get back.
Meandering Michelle pointed me here:
You Know You're From Chicago When...
- You say "Wanna go with?" when you mean "Do you want to come with me?"
- You know what Kennedy, Dan Ryan, Eisenhower, Edens, and Bishop Ford, have in common and curse one of them daily.
- You know what "the Hillside strangler is."
- You can name three or four extra taxes nobody else pays.
- You know the difference between Richard J. Daley and Richard M. Daley.
- You can use two or three Daleyisms in context.
- You can imitate the Mayor's whine.
- You say Chicawgo and not Chicaago.
- You think going to a Bears game in single digit temperatures with a wind off the lake (and freezing rain) is fun.
- Da is a proper definite article.
- You expect corruption in local politics.
- You go to the Dells in the summer to get away from the other 20 thousand that followed you.
- You've been caught speeding in Wisconsin because you had Illinois plates.
- You guard your shoveled parking space with an old chair and unusable broom.
- You know why they call it "the Windy City."
- You know dead people who voted.
- You understand the Democratic machine and don't fight against it.
- You've never ever considered the idea of hiring non-union laborers.
- You've never been to Springfield.
- You know a good gyros joint.
- You know what Giordanos, Lou Malnati's, and Gino's have in common.
- You know when the last time the Cubs won a pennant.
- You know exactly how many cars are "legally" allowed to turn left after the light turns red.
- You don't know which ethnic "fest" to choose on any given Summer weekend.
- Your idea of relaxing and getting away from it all is Ravinia (with 10,000 others who have the same idea).
- You can recite many of "The Blues Brothers" lines and know where they filmed certain scenes.
- You consider paying someone to watch your car at a sporting event as just another "city tax."
- The "Living Room" is called the "front room".
- You don't pronounce the "s" at the end of Illinois. You become irate at people who do.
- You measure distance in minutes (especially "from the city"). And you swear everything is pretty much 15 minutes away.
- You refer to anything South of I-80 as "Southern Illinois".
- You refer to Lake Michigan as "The Lake".
- You refer to Chicago as "The City".
- "The Super Bowl" refers to one specific game in a series of 35 played in January of 1986.
- You have two favorite football teams: The Bears, and anyone who beats the Packers!
- You buy "The Trib".
- You think 35 degrees is great weather to wash your car!
- You know what goes on a Chicago Style Hot Dog.
- You know what Chicago Style Pizza REALLY is.
- You understand what "lake-effect" means.
- You know the difference between Amtrak and Metra, and know which station they end up at. You have ridden the "L".
- You can distinguish between the following area codes: 847,630,773,708, 312, & 815.
- You respond to the question "Where are you from" with a side" example:"WEST SIDE", "SOUTH SIDE" or "NORTHSIDE."
- You know what the phone number is to Empire Carpet!
- You wear gym shoes, not sneakers.
- Your favorite melody to hum is "Bang,Bang,Bang-Skeet,Skeet,Skeet!!!!"
- You faithfully attended Lil Louis parties at The Bismarck.
- You GOT to have spaghetti at your barbecue.
- You are STILL a Bulls fan........
- You think kicking it outside of White Castles parking lot, (79th and Stony Island) is the "Freak Nik".
- You go to Harold`s and order 4 pc wing, mild sauce, salt and pepper.
- You have a picture of Harold Washington in your kitchen, living room, family room or basement.
- You have ever waited in line at Home of the Hoagy on 111th for 30-45 minutes for a steak sammich wit cheese.
- You have ever been to the Tiki Room lounge in Hyde Park.
- You have made a special trip downtown because you had a craving for Garrett's caramel and cheese popcorn.
- You drink at bars called "Bud on Tap" or "Milwaukee's Best" -- no names, just beer signs out front.
- It's January and you see someone's kitchen chair in the street, and you know that if you're a responsible citizen and bring it back to the sidewalk you will be shot on sight.
- You live two miles from work and it takes you two hours to drive there.
- You don't flinch when you pay the fifth toll of your 45-minute car ride on the highway.
- When you read a big story in the paper about mob ties in the city government, your first reaction is "So, tell me something I don't know."
- You know Lincoln Towing is Satan incarnate. [It really IS.]
- You've paid $105 for towing, $30 for more than one "street cleaning" ticket, $58 for a city vehicle sticker, and $70 for a license plate sticker -- and chalk it all up to "neighborhood taxes."
- You pluralize grocery stores and retail chains: "I'm going to Jewels"; "I bought it at Targets"; "I couldn't find parking at Wal-Marts".
- You've taken the Red Line past the point where all white people get off and all black people get on -- or vice versa.
- You've cursed at a cyclist, pedestrian, or in-line skater on the lakefront path.
- You know the significance of State and Madison.
- You wonder if the fries will taste the same at Sammy Sosa's Restaurant.
- You don't miss Planet Hollywood.
- You're not ashamed of wearing a big fur Russian hat, or a headsock with one hole in it, in public from November through March.
Accurate portrait of PMS. (Probably NSFW. But funny. Very funny.)
From Nancy V.: Best "Out of Office" Auto Replies
1. I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
2. You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn't have received anything at all.
3. I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless emails you send me until I return from holiday on August 4. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
4. Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
5. I've run away to join a different circus.
6. I will be out of the office for the next 2 weeks for medical reasons. When I return, please refer to me as ' Margaret ' instead of 'Steve'.
innocent, yet underneath it all there is a quite nasty
streak. Gossiping and being critical of others comes
a bit too naturally to you. And people will begin to
see through the sickly sweet exterior soon.
Which Swear (Curse) Word Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Jim gives a great tip for ridding yourself of those pesky persistent telemarketers.
Oh, goody. Is Carol Mosely Braun thinking about running for mayor of Chicago? Can't wait to hear what Pejman has to say about this....
Dash has a funny for you here.
Graumagus tells tales on his son.
Michelle has a duck tale for you.
Denny has the worst Monday Pun EVER. And also this tasteful little number.
Overheard in the Office...
From Elizabeth: Why It's Great To Be A Guy!
A 5 day vacation requires only one suitcase.
Bathroom lines are 80% shorter.
We can open all our own jars.
Phone conversations last 30 seconds.
We know useful stuff about tanks and airplanes.
Old friends don't care if we've lost or gained weight.
When surfing channels, we don't have to stop on every shot of someone crying.
Our last name stays put.
We can leave a hotel room bed unmade.
We can kill our own food.
The garage is all ours.
We get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
We never have to clean the toilet.
We can be showered and ready in 10 minutes.
If someone forgets to invite us to something, they can still be our friend.
Our underwear costs $6.50 for a pack of 3.
None of our co-workers have the power to make us cry.
We don't have to shave below our neck.
If we're 34 and single, no one notices.
Chocolate is just another snack.
Where and when we pee doesn't effect our emotional well-being.
We can quietly enjoy a car ride from the passenger seat.
Flowers & duct tape - and we can fix everything.
We never have to worry about other's feelings.
Three pair of shoes are more than enough.
We can say anything and not worry about what people think.
We can whip our shirt off on a hot day.
Car mechanics tell us the truth.
We don't give a flip if someone doesn't notice our new haircut.
We can watch a game in silence for hours without our buddy thinking "He must be mad at me."
One mood, all the time. We can admire Clint Eastwood without having to starve ourselves to look like him.
Same work. More pay.
Gray hair and wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress; $2000, Tux rental; 100 bucks.
We don't care if someone is talking behind our back.
We don't pass on the dessert and then mooch off someone else's.
If we retain water, it is in a canteen.
The remote is all ours.
We need not pretend we're "freshening up" to use the bathroom.
We can go to the bathroom alone.
If we don't call our buddy when we said we would, he won't tell our friends I've changed.
If another guy shows up at the party in the same outfit, we might become lifelong buddies.
The occasional well-rendered belch is practically expected.
If something mechanical didn't work, we can bash it with a hammer and throw it across the room.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
Quotes, from Nancy V.:
Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself, "Lillian, you should have remained a virgin."
>- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter)
I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalog: "No good in a bed, but fine against a wall."
>- Eleanor Roosevelt
Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement.
>- Mark Twain
Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
>- Victor Borge
Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.
>- Mark Twain
What would men be without women? Scarce, sir .. mighty scarce.
>- Mark Twain
By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
>- Groucho Marx
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
>- Jimmy Durante
I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
>- Zsa Zsa Gabor
Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
>- Alex Levine
Don't go around saying the world owes you a living. The world owes you nothing. It was here first.
>- Mark Twain
My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
>- Ed Furgol
Money can't buy you happiness... but it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
>- Spike Milligan
What's the use of happiness? It can't buy you money.
>- Henny Youngman
I am opposed to millionaires... but it would be dangerous to offer me the position.
>- Mark Twain
Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life.
>- Herbert Henry Asquith
I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
>- Bob Hope
We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
>- Will Rogers
Don't worry about avoiding temptation... as you grow older, it will avoid you.
>- Winston Churchill
Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty... but everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out.
>- Phyllis Diller
The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good spit it out.
By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
>- Billy Crystal
Outside of a book, a dog is man's best friend. Inside a dog, it is too dark to read.
>- Groucho Marx
An ugly man walks into a pub wearing a big grin on his face.
"Why the big smile?" asks the bartender.
"Well, I'll tell you," replies the ugly man. "You know I live by the railroad tracks and on my way home last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, so like in the movies, I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night all over the house. We did everything, me on top, sometimes her on top!"
"Fantastic!" exclaimed the bartender. "You lucky man. Was she pretty?"
"Dunno...never found the head."
From Donna, who's always got my back:
Three contractors were touring the White House on the same day. One was from Chicago, another from Missouri, and the third from Florida.
At the end of their White House tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they each replied that they were contractors the guard said "Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys look at it and give me a bid."
So to the back fence they went.
First up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, "Well I figure the job will run about $900. $400 for materials, $400 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Next was the Missouri contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, "Looks like I can do this Job for $700. $300 for materials, $300 for my crew, and $100 profit for me."
Then the guard asks the Chicago contractor how much.
Without so much as moving the contractor says, $2700."
The guard, incredulous, looks at him and says "You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?"
"Easy" says the contractor from Chicago, "$1,000 for me, $1,000 for you and we hire the guy from Missouri."
Another Freddy special:
Two alligators were sitting at the side of the swamp. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I cain't unnerstand how you kin be so much bigger 'n me. We're the same age, we was the same size as kids...I just don't get it."
"Well," said the big 'gator, "what you been eatin', boy?"
"Lawyers, same as you," replied the small 'gator.
"Hmm. Well, where do y'all catch 'em?"
"Down at 'tother side of the swamp near the parkin' lot of that law firm."
"Same here. Hmmm. How do you catch 'em?"
"Well, I crawls up under one of them Lexus and wait fer someone to unlock the door. Then I jump out, grab 'em on the leg, shake the shit out of 'em, and eat 'em!"
"Ah!" says the big alligator. "I think I see your problem. You ain't gettin' any real nourishment. See, by the time you get done shakin' the shit out of a lawyer, there ain't nothin' left but two lips and a briefcase."
Barrie sent me this a long time ago:
With Enron, you would have $16.50 of the original $1,000.
With WorldCom, you would have less than $5 left.
If you had bought $1,000 worth of Budweiser (the beer, not the stock) one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the cans for the 10-cent deposit( in certain states), you would have $214.
Based on the above, my current investment advice is to drink heavily and recycle. This is my new retirement program.
I call it my 401Keg program.
From Victor (gone, but not forgotten):
You Live in California when...
1. You make over $250,000 and you still can't afford to buy a house.
2. The high school quarterback calls a time-out to answer his cell phone.
3. The fastest part of your commute is going down your driveway.
4. You know how to eat an artichoke.
5. You drive your rented Mercedes to your neighborhood block party.
6. When someone asks you how far something is, you tell them how long itwill take to get there rather than how many miles away it is.
You Live in New York City when...
1. You say "the city" and expect everyone to know you mean Manhattan.
2. You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire StateBuilding.
3. You can get into a four-hour argument about how to get from Columbus Circle to Battery Park, but can't find Wisconsin on a map.
4. You think Central Park is "nature."
5. You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multi-lingual. 6. You've worn out a car horn.
7. You think eye contact is an act of aggression.
You Live in Maine when...
1. You only have four spices: Salt, pepper, ketchup, and Tabasco.
2. Halloween costumes fit over parkas.
3. You have more than one recipe for moose.
4. Sexy lingerie is anything flannel with less than eight buttons.
5. The four seasons are: winter, still winter, almost winter, and construction.
You Live in the Deep South when...
1. You can rent a movie and buy bait in the same store.
2."Ya'll" is singular and "all ya'll" is plural.
3. After five years you still hear, "You ain't from 'round here, are Ya?"
4. "He needed killin' " is a valid defense.
5. Everyone has 2 first names: Billy Bob, Jimmy Bob, Mary Sue, Betty Jean,etc.
You live in Colorado when...
1. You carry your $3,000 mountain bike atop your $500 car.
2. You tell your husband to pick up Granola on his way home and he stops at the day care center.
3. A pass does not involve a football or dating.
4. The top of your head is bald, but you still have a pony tail.
You live in the Midwest when...
1. You've never met any celebrities, but the mayor knows your name.
2. Your idea of a traffic jam is ten cars waiting to pass a tractor.
3. You have had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" on the same day.
4. You end sentences with a preposition: "Where's my coat at?"
5. When asked how your trip was to any exotic place, you say, "It was different!"
You live in Florida when...
1. You eat dinner at 3:15 in the afternoon.
2. All purchases include a coupon of some kind -- even houses and cars.
3. Everyone can recommend an excellent dermatologist.
4. Road construction never ends anywhere in the state.
5. Cars in front of you are often driven by headless people.
It's amazing how a color or a scent or a scene can send you hurtling back in time when you least expect it. Og does a beautiful job of illustrating the phenomenon.
"In the jungle, the mighty jungle
the lion sleeps tonight..."
The Divine Miss Marilyn: "Good grief! Now I suppose that nut will want me to do the 'Wemoweh' part. I won't and she can't make me."
Don't forget to stop by and visit the Friday Ark, okay?
Also, go visit Mog on Sunday evening for the Carnival of the Cats.
All together now, "Wheeeeeeeeeee dee dee dee dee dee wheee duh mummawaaaaaaaaaay!!!!!!!!!!"
From Elizabeth: Ready To Find Jesus?
A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher.
The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, "Mister, Are you ready to find Jesus?"
The drunk looks back and says, "Yess, Preacher..I sure am."
The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. "Have you found Jesus?" the preacher asked.
"Nooo, I didn't!" said the drunk.
The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, "Now, brother, have you found Jesus?"
"Noooo, I did not Reverend."
The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, "My Good man, have you found Jesus yet?"
The ole drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher..."Are you sure this is where he fell in?"
From Deborah: The Fireman's Bell
A fireman came home from work one day and told his wife, "You know we have a wonderful system at the fire station:
BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets.
BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole.
BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.
From now on when I say...
BELL 1, I want you to strip naked.
BELL 2, I want you to jump in bed.
BELL 3, we are going to make love all night.
The next night he came home from work and yelled "BELL 1!"
The wife promptly took all her clothes off.
When he yelled "BELL 2," the wife eagerly jumped into bed.
When he yelled "BELL 3," they began making love.
After a few minutes the wife yelled "BELL 4!"
"What the hell is BELL 4?" asked the husband.
"ROLL OUT MORE HOSE," she yelled, "YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE!"
El Capitan cracks me up. Boys and their toys, indeed.
This is just so wrong. And the idiot got paid to teach that crap?
What I don't like is my birthday. Nothing ever seems to go right on or around August 11th for me. This year, it seems, is no different. I know I should follow this bit of advice that I found this morning, but I sure don't feel like it. In fact, what I really feel like is throwing myself down on the floor and having a good, old-fashioned, terrible twos temper tantrum. Silly, right?
Ah, well. It'll be better tomorrow. It just has to.
(And a tip of the cap to Sandy for the graphic. It says it all.)
Welcome to the next edition of getting to know your friends. If you like this meme, change all the answers so that they apply to you.
You might be surprised with some of the things you learn about people you think you know...
1. IF YOU COULD BUILD A SECOND HOUSE ANYWHERE, WHERE WOULD IT BE? England. I looooooooooove the English countryside.
2. WHAT ARE YOUR FAVORITE ARTICLES OF CLOTHING? My new bras. Finally one that treats "the girls" with a little respect.
3. WHAT IS THE LAST CD YOU BOUGHT? Camp songs for TMBCITW.
4. WHAT TIME DO YOU WAKE UP IN THE MORNING? About 7:00 a.m.
5. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE KITCHEN APPLIANCE? Coffee grinder.
6. IF YOU COULD PLAY AN INSTRUMENT, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Violin.
7. FAVORITE COLOR? Red.
8. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SPORTS CAR OR SUV? Both?
9. DO YOU BELIEVE IN THE AFTERLIFE? Yup.
10. FAVORITE CHILDREN'S BOOK? Awwww, man! No fair having to pick just one. I just can't do it.
11. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE SEASON? Autumn.
12. IF YOU HAVE A TATTOO, WHAT IS IT? Don't have one. Don't want TMBCITW and the Crown Prince to have to debate whether or not to let Auntie's tattoos show in the casket.
13. IF YOU COULD HAVE ONE SUPERPOWER, WHAT WOULD IT BE? Mind reading.
14. CAN YOU JUGGLE? You betcha. I work for three VPs and two Principals. If that ain't juggling, I don't know what is!
15. ONE PERSON/PEOPLE FROM YOUR PAST YOU WISH YOU COULD GO BACK AND TALK TO? My Dad. My Auntie Francis, who was my Fairy Godmother. My Uncle Aldy and Aunt Dorothy, who were really like grandparents to me. My friend Dave, who committed suicide the year after we graduated from high school. My friend Claude, whose heart was huge... but damaged.
16. WHAT IS IN THE TRUNK OF YOUR CAR? A beach chair, a shovel, a cat enclosure, a striping kit for my car and a first aid kit.
17. WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE DAY? National kissing day.
18. WHICH DO YOU PREFER, SUSHI OR HAMBURGER? Hamburger.
19. FROM THE PEOPLE WHO WILL READ THIS, WHO'S THE MOST LIKELY TO RESPOND FIRST? My Blogmom.
20. WHO'S THE LEAST LIKELY TO RESPOND? Old Crankypants.
21. WHO DID YOU RECEIVE THIS FROM? The lovely and talented Nancy V.!
22. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE FLOWER? Anemone.
24. WHEN IS YOUR BIRTHDAY? Tomorrow.
25. WHAT DID YOU DO ON NEW YEAR'S EVE? Danced on stage with Count Basie's Orchestra.
26. DO YOU HAVE A SECRET CRUSH? Nope.
27. IF YOU RECEIVED A MILLION DOLLARS WHAT WOULD YOU DO FIRST? Change my phone to an unlisted number. Get a good lawyer and a good financial advisor. Disappear for a while.
I Am Napoleon
Late one night at the insane asylum, one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!"
Another patient asked, "How do you know?"
The first inmate said, "Because God told me!"
Just then, a voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
An old man was unhappy because he'd lost his favorite hat. Instead of buying a new one, he decided to go to the local church and pinch one out of the vestibule. But when he tried, an usher saw him and forced him to sit in the pew and listen to the entire sermon on the Ten Commandments.
After church, the old man went to the preacher, shook his hand and said, "I want to thank you for saving my soul today. I came to church to steal a hat and after hearing your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I decided against it."
"You mean the Commandment "Thou shalt not steal" changed your mind?" asked the preacher.
"No," said the old man. "The one about adultery did. As soon as you mentioned it, I remembered where I"d left my hat."
Nancy V. sends these Nursery Rhymes for Big Kids:
Mary had a little pig,
She kept it fat and plastered;
And when the price of pork went up,
She shot the little bastard.
MARY HAD A LITTLE LAMB
Her father shot it dead.
Now it goes to school with her,
Between two hunks of bread.
JACK AND JILL Went up the hill
To have a little fun.
Stupid Jill forgot the pill
And now they have a son.
SIMPLE SIMON met a Pie man going to the fair.
Said Simple Simon to the Pie man,
"What have you got there?"
Said the Pie man unto Simon,
"Pies, you dumb #$%!"
HUMPTY DUMPTY sat on a wall,
Humpty Dumpty had a great fall.
All the kings' horses,
And all the kings' men.
Had scrambled eggs,
For breakfast again.
HEY DIDDLE, DIDDLE the cat took a piddle,
All over the bedside clock.
The little dog laughed to see such fun.
Then died of electric shock.
GEORGIE PORGY Pudding and Pie,
Kissed the girls and made them cry.
And when the boys came out to play,
He kissed them too 'cause he was gay.
There was a little girl who had a little curl
Right in the middle of her forehead.
When she was good, she was very, very good.
But when she was bad........
She got a fur coat, jewels, a waterfront condo, and a sports car.
From Elizabeth again:
In the year 2005, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Naples, Florida, and said, "Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated and I see the end of all flesh before me. Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans."
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying, "You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights".
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard....but no Ark.
"Noah", He roared, "I'm about to start the rain! ?"
"Forgive me, Lord," begged Noah. "But things have changed. I needed a building permit and I've been arguing with the inspectors about the need for a sprinkler system.
My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
We had to go to the Board of Zoning Appeals for a decision and now I've got the Planning Commission breathing down my neck.
Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I argued that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it. The Board of County Commissioners thought I was crazy.
Getting the lumber was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the red cockaded woodpecker. I tried to convince the environmental planners and the Conservancy that I needed the wood to save the owls. But no go!
When I started gathering the animals, I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too
restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission and EEOC on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
Also, the trade unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only union workers with Ark building experience.
To make matters worse, the IRS seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years for me to finish this Ark."
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked, "You mean, You're not going to destroy the World?".
"No," said the Lord. "The government beat me to it."
From the Sweetheart of Shell Knob, MO:
A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected a half-gallon of 2% milk, a carton of eggs, a quart of orange juice, a head of romaine lettuce, a 2 lb. can of coffee, and a 1 lb. package of bacon.
As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly stated, "You must be single."
The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital status.
Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what, you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"
The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
A father asked his 10-year-old son if he knew about the birds and the bees.
"I don't want to know!" the child said, bursting into tears. "Promise me you won't tell me!"
Confused, the father asked what was wrong.
The boy sobbed, "When I was six, I got the "There's no Santa" speech. At seven, I got the "There's no Easter Bunny" speech. When I was eight you hit me with the "There's no Tooth Fairy" speech. If you're going to tell me that grownups don't really get laid, I'll have nothing left to live for."
Hang on to any of the new State of Alabama quarters. If you have them, they may be worth much more than 25 cents. The U.S. Treasury announced today that it is recalling all of the Alabama quarters that are part of its program featuring quarters from each state.
"We are recalling all the new Alabama quarters that were recently issued," Treasury Undersecretary Jack Shackleford said Monday. "This action is being taken after numerous reports that new quarters will not work in parking meters, toll booths, vending machines, pay phones, or other coin-operated devices."
The quarters were issued in the order in which the various states joined the U.S. and have been a tremendous success among coin collectors worldwide.
"The problem lies in the unique design of the Alabama quarter, which was created by a University of Alabama graduate," Shackleford said. "Apparently, the duct tape holding the two dimes and the nickel together keeps jamming the coin-operated machines."
I've got to agree. This is the best beer ad ever.
I don't know what's worse -- booger blogging, or ear wax blogging (with picture, even -- eeeuuuw!).
Boys will be boys, I guess...
TMBCITW turned 3 this weekend. Of course as Auntie and (Fairy) Godmother, I had to go a little nuts. Yes. I bought the whole Tinkerbell costume... and the doll, too. (Never let me loose in the Disney store with a credit card again!)
For those who've been asking about the Princess Mom, here she is with the Birthday Princess. Don't they both look great?
Whee!!! It's fun to be three!
Dear friends, family and those who are wondering, "who the heck is Melissa Reinke?"
Well, I am. And I am writing in order to ask for your help in a very important cause.
It's no surprise that there is hurt and suffering in the world. We began the year thrown into the clutches of Mother Earth and awakened to her possible wake by the horrible tsunami. In the past week we've seen London attacked under the noses of world leaders at the G8 summit, while countless artists played in support of the summit, bringing public awareness to the dangers present to the people of Africa.
With all of the hurt in the world, it is easy for a person to feel inundated and inadequate to help in any way.
I am writing to let you know there is a way to help ease some of the pain in the world.
The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society is a not-for-profit health organization dedicated not only to eradicating leukemia, lymphoma and myeloma, but also to improving the lives of patients and their families. Although anyone can be affected by leukemia, it has a large affect on older adults and cause mores deaths among children 1-14 in the U.S. than any other disease. It is estimated that leukemia, lymphoma or myeloma will kill an estimated 59,200 persons in the U.S. this year.
The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society funds research that attempts to find both the cure and the cause of these diseases.
Why am I telling you all this and how can you help, you ask?
In order to help the L&LS with its cause, I have signed up with Team in Training (TNT) to run the Nike Women's Marathon in San Francisco in October. Although I have asthma and didn't run my first full mile until mid-college, I am dedicating myself to raising funds to help find a cure for these diseases.
TNT pledges to donate $0.75 of every dollar raised to the Leukemia and Lymphoma Society--the rest of which will cover travel and expenses for the race as well as training so that I don't kill myself!
In order to keep this pledge, I have set a challenge to raise $3,800 for this race by the end of September.
I don't know which aspect seems most challenging right now, running 26.2 miles, raising $3,800 or having to get up at 5 a.m. on Saturdays in order to train for it!
Although I'm not sure which aspect will challenge me most, I am positive that the most rewarding part of this experience will be seeing all of those funds go towards helping children like Katie, our honoree for the race, provided for and eventually healed.
Thank you very much in advance for all of your help. You are a very integral part of our Team in Training.
You may send me emails with any questions regarding TNT or the LLS at firstname.lastname@example.org
You may also follow the link below to donate by Visa or Mastercard online right now!!!
On behalf of children like Katie, I thank you again for your help and support.
P.S. You can also help with fundraising ideas and by seeing if your company will match your donation! Feel free to pass this email on to others who may be willing to help change lives and reshape dreams and destinies!
Want to donate or help? Simply go to the link below:
You know what to do. I certainly did.
Me? I hate 'em.
I'm convinced pantyhose were designed by men as part of a plot to keep women stupid. How can I say that? Well, for one thing, no matter whether you're a size 0 or a size 240, the elastic wasteband on pantyhose is always no bigger around that you would normally be able to pull over your wrist. That means that all circulation is cut off from the waist up. And it's pretty hard to be intelligent when not one single molecule of oxygen can reach your brain.
What's even worse is that they've got a built in self-destruct mechanism designed to trigger at the worst possible moments in time. Not true, ladies? Ever try to gracefully exit a car... on a date... and have your pantyhose snag and leave a big honking run up the back of your leg? Or have something similar happen just before you're supposed to make a big presentation that could make or break your career?
My most humiliating pantyhose moment ever? It came, unwittingly, at the hands of my sister, the brand junkie. She had just switched (or so she said) from using Marshall Field's store brand to Jockey brand, so she offered me half a dozen brand new pairs of the Field's hose, still in the package.
On a beautiful Monday morning, I pulled out a new pair of stockings and put them on. I noticed an odd crackling noise, but didn't think much of it... then. I got on the bus to go the the train to get me to work. By the time I got off the bus and onto the train, I noticed that the waistband of my pantyhose appeared to be loosening noticeably and rapidly, so I made my way to the nasty, icky bathroom on the train, hauled up my skirt and yanked at the waistband. With one good crackle and a puff of dust, the elastic gave up the ghost. In horror, I stretched the waistband out as far as it would go and tied a knot to keep the hose up. I quickly yanked my skirt back down and made my way to a seat.
As soon as I sat down I heard a quiet "zip" and felt the unmistakeable creep of a run go from my big toe northwards like a shot. Then another. Then another. Cripes!
But it got worse. By the time the train reached Union Station, I was wearing spider webs with baggy knees. I hurried for the CTA bus to the office. No seats were available, so I grabbed onto a railing.
We had a cowboy bus driver who must have thought we all wanted to ride the mechanical bull at Gilley's once before we died, as he whipped around corners and bounced through potholes like a madman.
I was holding onto the rail with both hands for dear life when the elastic waistband snapped.
I clamped my knees together and prayed.
It didn't help.
I had to get off the bus and climb a hill to get to the office with my knees clamped together. By the time I got to my office, the waistband was around my knees and heading for my ankles. I sat down and my desk and peeled off the shredded remnants. (Actually, the whole mess just kind of sighed and collapsed on its own.)
Yep. Reduced to a Carol Burnett comedy routine by a simple pair of pantyhose. Is it any wonder why I hate them so and avoid wearing them like the plague?