Yes, So can I, Now
A spaceship from the planet Zong, lands in Iowa in the middle of the night. The farm town is deserted as the aliens descend from their ship. They wander around for a while until they come across a garage and what they perceive to be intelligent life - a free standing gas pump.
The chief Zong greets the gas pump, "Greetings, I am Zong, a Zong from the planet Zong. We have come in our spaceship, to meet Earth people. Take me to your leader."
The Zong receives no reply, so he repeats his demands using shorter words: "Take me to your leader."
The gas pump, not surprisingly, says nothing.
By now, the short tempered Zong captain is getting a bit annoyed at being ignored. He levels his ray gun at the gas pump, much to the distress of his first mate, and demands, "Take me to your leader, insolent scum, or I will blow you to pieces!"
Of course, the gas pump remains silent.
His Zongian shipmates try to restrain him, but their leader fires. There is an almighty explosion as the gas pump burst into a huge ball of flames and the crew are hurled hundreds of feet in the air. They land in a nearby field with a bump.
"What the hell happened?" shouted the Zong captain.
"I tried to warn you, "said the first mate, "You just don't mess with a guy who can wrap his penis around his waist and stick it in his ear."
I'm with Pejman on this issue. It's the only thing I'll miss about it, though.
Strange English For Tourists
Cocktail lounge, Norway: "LADIES ARE REQUESTED NOT TO HAVE CHILDREN IN THE BAR."
Hotel, Acapulco: "THE MANAGER HAS PERSONALLY PASSED ALL THE WATER SERVED HERE."
Dry cleaners, Bangkok: "DROP YOUR TROUSERS HERE FOR THE BEST RESULTS.
In a Nairobi restaurant: "CUSTOMERS WHO FIND OUR WAITRESSES RUDE OUGHT TO SEE THE MANAGER."
On the grounds of a private school: "NO TRESPASSING WITHOUT PERMISSION."
On a highway: "TAKE NOTICE: WHEN THIS SIGN IS UNDER WATER, THIS ROAD IS IMPASSABLE."
On a poster at Kencom: "ARE YOU AN ADULT THAT CANNOT READ? IF SO, WE CAN HELP."
In a City restaurant: "OPEN SEVEN DAYS A WEEK AND WEEKENDS.
A sign seen on an automatic restroom hand dryer: "DO NOT ACTIVATE WITH WET HANDS."
In a Pumwani maternity ward: "NO CHILDREN ALLOWED."
In a cemetery: "PERSONS ARE PROHIBITED FROM PICKING FLOWERS FROM ANY BUT THEIR OWN GRAVES."
Tokyo hotel's rules and regulations: "GUESTS ARE REQUESTED NOT TO SMOKE OR DO OTHER DISGUSTING BEHAVIOURS IN BED."
In a Tokyo bar: "SPECIAL COCKTAILS FOR THE LADIES WITH NUTS."
Hotel brochure, Italy: "THIS HOTEL IS RENOWNED FOR ITS PEACE AND SOLITUDE. IN FACT, CROWDS FROM ALL OVER THE WORLD FLOCK HERE TO ENJOY ITS SOLITUDE."
Hotel, Japan: "YOU ARE INVITED TO TAKE ADVANTAGE OF THE CHAMBERMAID."
In the lobby of a Moscow hotel across from a Russian Orthodox monastery: "YOU ARE WELCOME TO VISIT THE CEMETERY WHERE FAMOUS RUSSIAN AND SOVIET COMPOSERS, ARTISTS, AND WRITERS ARE BURIED DAILY EXCEPT THURSDAY."
Advertisement for donkey rides, Thailand: "WOULD YOU LIKE TO RIDE ON YOUR OWN ASS?"
In the window on a Swedish furrier: "FUR COATS MADE FOR LADIES FROM THEIR OWN SKIN."
Airline ticket office, Copenhagen: "WE TAKE YOUR BAGS AND SEND THEM IN ALL DIRECTIONS."
A laundry in Rome: "LADIES, LEAVE YOUR CLOTHES HERE AND SPEND THE AFTERNOON HAVING A GOOD TIME." [Wait! Isn't that sign actually hanging on Acid Dude's front door?]
My friend Rosemary sent this:
Teacher asked, "Harry what is your problem?"
Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third grade too!"
The teacher had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited outside the office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told the teacher he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first-grade and behave. The teacher agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grader should know. The principal looks at the teacher and tells her,"I think Harry can go to the third-grade."
The teacher says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agree.
Teacher: "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?"
Teacher: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?" (The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question!)
Teacher: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?"
Teacher: "What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?" (The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...)
Teacher: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?"
Teacher: "What does a man do standing up, a woman do sitting down and a dog do on three legs?"
Harry: "Shake hands"
Teacher: "Now I will ask some 'Who am I? sort of questions, okay?"
Teacher: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I get wet before you do"
Teacher: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The best man always has me first" (The principal was looking restless and bit tense)
Harry: "Wedding Ring"
Teacher: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good"
Teacher: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver"
Teacher: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of excitement?"
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put his ass in the fifth-grade, I got the last ten questions wrong myself."
A Fabulous Fish Tale
One day a nun was fishing and caught a huge fish for supper. A man was walking by and said, "Wow, what a goddamn fish!"
The sister said, "Sir, you shouldn't talk to me like that, I'm a nun!" and the man said, "But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish."
So the sister took the fish back to the rectory and said, "Mother Superior, look at the goddamn fish I caught."
The Mother Superior said, "Sister, you shouldn't talk like that!"
And the sister said, "But Mother Superior, that's the name of it: a goddamn fish."
The Mother Superior said, "Well give me the goddamn fish and I'll clean it." While she was cleaning the fish the Monsignor walked in and she said, "Monsignor, look at the goddamn fish that sister caught."
The Monsignor said "Mother Superior, you shouldn't talk like that!" and the Mother Superior said,"But that's the name of it: a goddamn fish."
So the Monsignor said, "Well, give me the goddamn fish and I'll cook it."
That evening at supper there was a new priest at the table, and he said, "Wow, what a nice fish."
The Sister said I caught goddamn fish."
And Mother Superior said, "I cleaned the goddamn fish."
And the Monsignor said, "I cooked the goddamn fish."
And the new priest said, "I like this fucking place already!!"
(BTW -- Wouldn't it be fun to introduce Manolo to Puce? It'd either be love at first sight or instant WWIII.)
A tip of the cap to Jeff.
This doggles the mind.
Beldar disects the O'Reilly settlement. It's an eye-opener. Mackris will never have to say another word about this publicly, as O'Reilly's on-air statement said it all. (And it wasn't pretty.)
It's hard to believe that we may actually see space tourism in the next few years.
I believe that competition like this is giving NASA the kick in the pants it needs to shake off the complacency it has demonstrated over the last decade or so.
Dim bulbs and other idiocy.
Isn't this a head-scratcher?
And this site left me goggle-eyed. (A tip of the cap to Kate.)
Try wrapping your head around this post. Raisin cakes? Nah. Fruitcakes is more like it. (A tip of the cap to Dean Esmay and Robert of Llamabutchers.)
It's not just NASA after all?
Did you see the lunar eclipse last night? If not, you've got a long wait until the next one.
In the meantime, look at this!
And speaking of crazy people...
The myth of the mistake-free war? Michael Malone knocks this one right out of the park.
Given all the pre-election craziness going on right now, make sure you know when, where and how to vote.
Now you know who to blame for just about anything. Mighty nice of him to be so accomodating, no?
Whaddaya mean there's no Dave Lennox? Now I'm really going to have to question my belief in the existence of Santa Clause... and Juan Valdez. Nooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
CHENEY BLAMES KERRY FOR 'GIGLI'
Warns of Sequel if Democrat is Elected
Vice president Dick Cheney today blamed Democratic presidential nominee John Kerry for the box-office bomb "Gigli," warning that a sequel to the Ben Affleck-Jennifer Lopez turkey might be released if Sen. Kerry is elected.
Mr. Cheney has crisscrossed the country in recent days warning that a Kerry victory might bring increases in domestic terrorism and national security catastrophes, but the "Gigli" charges represent a new ferocity in Mr. Cheney's partisan attacks.
Speaking before a crowd in Davenport, Iowa, Mr. Cheney said, "In all of his public statements, Sen. Kerry has yet to identify 'Gigli' as one of the worst films of all time, leading one to conclude that he wouldn't mind at all if there was a sequel."
Drawing a sharp contrast with Mr. Kerry, the vice president said that the Bush White House was "working overtime to make sure that another 'Gigli' does not happen."
Mr. Cheney's words seem designed to win over voters in the so-called battleground states, many of whom are still reeling from the release of the 2003 stinker.
But Mr. Kerry, on the campaign trail in Pennsylvania, was quick to fire back at Mr. Cheney, telling his audience, "'Gigli' happened on his watch."
Mr. Kerry continued on the attack, saying that not only did the Bush administration fail to prevent "Gigli," but they also "must take some responsibility for the career of Justin Timberlake and that show with Jim Belushi."
Elsewhere, President Bush said today he was "furious" that Iraqis looted 350 tons of explosives since the looting of Iraq was supposed to be handled by Halliburton.
Update: Here's a bit more of an explanation, and one that makes sense. Actually, I hope they're successful. I know a lot of people who'd love to have a cat and can't, just for this reason.
Yes, but will it get the space shuttle off the ground any sooner?
News from astronauts just back from the International Space Station.
Crispy critters? Sheesh.
This, on the other hand, is patently wrong.
NOBODY is going to come out of this smelling very good.
Now that's what I call a natural for this year's Darwin Awards finals.
This just about gave me whiplash. Hmmm.
And what's this nonsense all about? Would someone hand me my cluebat? Quick!
Can we just hold the election today? I'm tired of the rhetoric already. In fact, why can't our political dealings be more straightforward -- like this? I don't know about you, but I'd sure like to clock a politician or two with my lunch box.
(Still haven't decided? Take this little test that Nancy V. pointed out to me.)
Now why doesn't this surprise me? Razzlefratzing media manipulations! Ka-ching!
My Blogdaddy has a question for you regarding traveling companions.
Pejman pipes up on the subject. (I love Pejman's blog. He rocks.)
I have a confession to make. This goofy show has become one of my latest guilty pleasures. What can I say? He makes me laugh. A lot.
Segway scooter theory? Heh! This should make my friend Chris happy.
Oh, look: More Segway news here.
And it's a campaign tool, too!
Another elegant, low-tech solution. Beautiful.
Well, looky here. It's nice to see education done right for a change.
I have another little confession to make. After watching this interview, I finally understood his appeal. Whoa. Never thought I'd write those words.
What's not to love about a blogger who starts every day with a quotation from Jack Handy? (A tip of the cap to Damien.)
I like this judge's style. Truly classic.
It looks like weather may scrub the launch of NASA's DART spacecraft today. If so, the next launch date could be as soon as Thursday. (Again I ask, if we can get projects like this off the ground, why can't we get the space shuttles flying again? Grrrrrrrrrh.)
Here's one Constellation you won't find in the evening sky.
Somehow this strikes me as something Marvin the Martian would have envisioned.
Damn straight, Burt.
Light Bulb Jokes
Q: How many Irishmen does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: 15. One to hold the bulb and the rest to drink whiskey til the room spins.
Q: How many feminists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One to change it and 15 to form a support group.
Q: How many Californians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Six. One to turn the bulb, one for support, and four to relate to the experience.
Q: How many Oregonians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Five. One to change the bulb, and four more to chase off the Californians who have come up to relate to the experience.
Q: How many New Yorkers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A1: None of your damn business!
A2: 50. 50? Yeah, 50! It's in the contract.
Q: How many WASPs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to call the electrician and one to mix the martinis.
Q: How many data base people does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to write the light bulb removal program, one to write the light bulb insertion program, and one to act as a light bulb administrator to make sure that nobody else tries to change the bulb at the same time.
Q: How many straight San Franciscans does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Both of them.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb and one not to change it. (Note: 1 to change and 1 not to change is fake Zen. The true Zen answer is four. One to change the bulb.)
Q: How many Carl Sagans does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Billions and billions.
Q: How many folk singers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to change the bulb, and one to write a song about how good the old light bulb was.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the giraffe, and the other to fill the bathtub with brightly colored machine tools.
Q: How many gorillas does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Only one, but it sure takes a shitload of light bulbs!
Q: How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, the bulb will change itself when it is ready.
Q: What is the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A: You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q: How many managers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to get the bulb and two to get the phone number to dial one of their subordinates to actually change it.
Q: How many IBM types does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 100. Ten to do it, and 90 to write document number GC7500439-001, Multitasking Incandescent Source System Facility, of which 10% of the pages state only "This page intentionally left blank", and 20% of the definitions are of the form "A ------" consists of sequences of non-blank characters separated by blanks".
Q: How many gays does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in, and the other to say "Fabulous!"
Q: How many professors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but they get three tech. reports out of it.
Q: How many people from New Jersey does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three: One to change the bulb, one to witness, and the third to shoot the witness.
Q: How many psychiatrists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Only one, but the bulb has got to really WANT to change.
Q: How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. That's a hardware problem.
Q: How many Bell Labs Vice Presidents does it take to change a light bulb?
A: That's proprietary information. Answer available from AT&T on payment of license fee.
Q: How many "Real Men" does it take to change a light bulb?
A1: None. "Real Men" aren't afraid of the dark.
A2: None of your damn business!
Q: How many "Real Women" does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. A "Real Woman" would have plenty of real men around to do it.
Q: How many Jewish mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. ("That's all right... I'll just sit here in the dark...")
Q: How many mice does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two. (Hint: they are small enough to fit inside)
Q: How many Polacks does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but you need 6000 Russian troops in case he goes on strike!
Q: How many WASPs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Silly, WASPs don't screw in a light bulb, they screw in a hot tub.
Q: How many Christians does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three, but they're really one.
Q: How many gods does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to hold the bulb and the other to rotate the planet.
Q: How many cops does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. It turned itself in.
Q: How many nuclear engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fifty-one: One to install the new bulb, and fifty to figure what to do with the old one for the next 10,000 years.
Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: How many can you afford?
Q: How many football players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: The entire team! And they all get a semester's credit for it!
Q: How many lesbians does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Three: One to screw it in, and two to talk about how much better it is than with a man.
Q: How many thought police does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: None. There never *was* any light bulb.
Q: How many federal employees does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Sorry, that item was cut from the budget!
Q: How many Jewish-American Princesses does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to get a Tab, and one to call Daddy.
Q: How many accountants does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: What kind of answer did you have in mind?
Q: How many civil servants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: 45: One to change the bulb, and 44 to do the paperwork.
Q: How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it almost all the way in and the other to give it a surprising twist at the end.
Q: How many existentialists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many consultants does it take to change a light bulb?
A: I'll have an estimate for you a week from Monday.
Q: How many members of the Impossible Missions Force does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five: While Cinnamon creates a diversion by wearing a skimpy dress, I use a tiny narcotic dart to knock out the fascist dictator and remove his body. Rollin, wearing a plastic mask, masquerades as the dictator long enough for Barney to sneak up to the next floor, drill a hole down into the light fixture, remove the burned-out bulb, and replace it with a new super-high wattage model of his own design. Meanwhile, Willie has driven up to the door in a laundry truck. Just before Rollin's real identity is revealed, we escape to the laundry truck, drive to the airfield, and return to the United States.
Q: How many technical writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one, provided there's a programmer around to explain how to do it.
Q: How many Harvard students does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: Just one. He holds the light bulb and the universe revolves around him .
I guess money doesn't necessarily buy you class. It's a pity.
That Kelley is a naughty, naughty person. (That's why I like her so much!)
And speaking of naughty, Ann Althouse ranks right up there, too.
My blogmom's also being naughty. I like her style.
What is it with all these naughty folks today? Even Jeff gets in on the act. Sheesh!
If you still haven't had your laugh of the day, go here.
J-Walk is being downright anarchistic today. See what I mean?
Ride, ride, ride... hitchin' a ride.
Do you see smoke somewhere on the horizon? It's coming out of my ears. Gah!
I couldn't have said this better myself. Just eew.
Kevin's mom is a pistol. Kind of like my own mom, she doesn't have a politically correct bone in her body. Heh!
Wow! That's really absentee voting!
Where do Bush and Kerry stand on space policy? Go here to find out. (A tip of the cap to the Instapundit.)
Whoa! I want to go, too. This sounds like a blast.
Campbell's is kicking off another great season of Click for Cans(TM) and they need your help in the fight against hunger.
Visit Chunky.com every day to click on your favorite NFL team. The team with the most clicks by midnight on November 11, 2004 will earn a donation of Campbell’s(R) soup to the food bank of its choice – one can per pound for every player on the team. Remember, only one team will win, so every click counts!
FIGHT HUNGER -- VOTE TODAY!
Hurry, the game ends November 11, 2004! To cast your vote for your favorite team, just click on this link.
GET YOUR BUDDIES INTO THE GAME WITH THE CHUNKY PLAYBOOK.
Know someone who would enjoy the Chunky Playbook? Just click this link and tell your buddies to get in on all the fun.
No more hanging chad problems for Florida. Click here to see the great new electronic voting system Governor Jeb's staff has set up. In fact, you can even cast your vote now by clicking in the box of your choice to insert an "X", and your vote will be tabulated in advance to help officials determine the outcome earlier.
Speaking of the upcoming elections, here's one way to ensure more people get out and vote!
AMERICANS WITH NO ABILITIES ACT PASSES CONGRESS (Very Important Message!!!) Aug 25, 2005
WASHINGTON, DC (AP) - Congress approved sweeping legislation, which provides new benefits for many Americans. The Americans with No Abilities Act (AWNAA), signed into law by President John Kerry shortly after its passage, is being hailed as a major victory by advocates of the millions of Americans who lack any real skills or ambition.
"Roughly 50 percent of Americans do not possess the competence and drive necessary to carve out a meaningful role for themselves in society," said Kerry, a longtime AWNA supporter.
"This is why many of them voted for me. We can no longer stand by and allow People of Inability to be ridiculed and passed over. With this legislation, employers will no longer be able to grant special favors to a small group of workers, simply because they do a better job, or have some idea of what they are doing," said Kerry.
President Kerry pointed to the success of the US Postal Service, which has a long-standing policy of providing opportunity without regard to performance. Approximately 80 percent of postal employees lack job skills, making this agency the single largest US employer of Persons of Inability. Private sector industries with good records of nondiscrimination against the Inept include retail sales (72%), the airline industry (68%), and home improvement "warehouse" stores (65%). President Kerry has also set an example, personally selecting hundreds of Non-abled people for top government positions, including many cabinet-level jobs.
Under the Americans With No Abilities Act, more than 25 million "middle man" positions will be created, with important-sounding titles but little real responsibility, thus providing an illusory sense of purpose and performance. Mandatory non-performance-based raises and promotions will be given, to guarantee upward mobility for even the most unremarkable employees. The legislation provides substantial tax breaks to corporations which maintain a significant level of Persons of Inability in top positions, and gives a tax credit to small and medium businesses that agree to hire one clueless worker for every two talented hires.
Finally, the AWNAA contains tough new measures to make it more difficult to discriminate against the Nonabled, banning discriminatory interview questions such as "Do you have any goals for the future?" or "Do you have any skills or experience which relate to this job?" and "Are you awake?"
"As a Nonabled person, I can't be expected to keep up with people who have something going for them," said Mary Lou Gertz, who lost her position as a lug-nut twister at the GM plant in Flint, MI due to her lack of notable job skills. "This new law should really help people like me."
With the passage of this bill, Gertz and millions of other untalented citizens can finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. Said Kerry, "It is our duty as lawmakers to provide each and every American citizen, regardless of his or her adequacy, with some sort of space to take up in this great nation."
A little ghost humor for Halloween:
A professor at Texas A&M University was giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asked, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raised their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those of you who blieve in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raised their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raised their hands.
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
3 students raised their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further. Have any of you ever had sex with a ghost?"
Way in the back, Bubba raised his hand. The professor took off his glasses and said, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have had sex with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."
The big redneck student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor said, "So, Bubba, tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost."
Bubba replied, "Shee-yit! From way back thar, I thought y'all said 'goats'."
Deborah says, "Okay, Okay, it finally all makes sense now... I never looked at it this way before:"
When we have REAL trouble, it's a HISterectomy.
Ever notice how all of women's problems start with MEN?
Sid and Al were sitting in a Chinese restaurant. "Sid," asked Al, "are there any Jews in China?"
"I don't know," Sid replied. "Why don't we ask the waiter." When the waiter came by, Al said, "Are there any Chinese Jews?"
"I don't know, sir. Let me ask," the waiter replied, and he went into the kitchen. He quickly returned and said, "No sir. No Chinese Jews."
"Are you sure?" Al asked.
"I will check again, sir," the waiter replied, and went back into the kitchen.
While he was gone, Sid said, "I cannot believe there are no Jews in China. Our people are scattered everywhere."
When the waiter returned he said, "Sir, no Chinese Jews."
"Are you really sure?" Al asked again. "I cannot believe there are no Chinese Jews!"
"Sir, I ask everyone," the exasperated waiter replied. "We have orange jews, prune jews, tomato jews and grape jews... but no one ever hear of Chinese Jews!"
Elizabeth must know Acidman hates cats, because she sent these instructions:
How to Clean Your Toilet the Fun Way!
1. Lift toilet lid and seat and add 1/8 cup pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.
2. Pick up cat and pet him soothingly as you carry him to the bathroom.
3. In one smooth movement, insert cat into toilet bowl, close lid and seat. (You may need to stand on the lid.)
4. The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the strange noises coming from the toilet bowl. Your cat is actually enjoying this.
5. Flush the toilet 3 or 4 times. This provides "power wash" and "rinse" cycles.
6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure there is nothing and nobody between the bathroom and the front door.
7. Wedge yourself as far behind the toilet as you can. Quickly lift lid and seat together.
8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom and bolt outside to dry himself off.
9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.
Nancy V. sends us this Dress Code for Senior Citizens:
Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided at all cost:
1. A nose ring and bifocals
2. Spiked hair and bald spots
3. A pierced tongue and dentures
4. Miniskirts and support hose
5. Ankle bracelets and corn pads
6. Speedo's and cellulite
7. A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
8. Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
9. Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
10. Bikinis and liver spots
11. Short shorts and varicose veins
12. Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least, my personal favorite:
13. Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop.
Unhappy about the outsourcing trend? Marian says to go here and click on the Indian guy.
Old Geezer Jokes:
Three old guys are out walking. First one says, "Windy, isn't it?"
Second one says, "No, its Thursday!"
Third one says, "So am I. Let's go get a beer."
A man was telling his neighbor, "I just bought a newhearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it's state of the art. It's perfect."
"Really," answered the neighbor. "What kind is it?"
" Twelve thirty."
Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm. A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, "You're really doing great, aren't you?"
Morris replied, "Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.'"
The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said, 'You got a heart murmur. Be careful.'"
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlor and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool. After catching his breath he ordered a banana split. The waitress asked kindly, "Crushed nuts?"
"No," he replied, "arthritis."
Barrie wants you to know:
"Today is International Very Good Looking Damn Smart Woman's Day, so please send this message to someone you think fits this description. Please do not send it back to me as I have already received it from a Very Good Looking Damn Smart Woman! Good motto to live by: 'Life should NOT be a journey to the grave with the intention of arriving safely in an attractive and well preserved body, but rather to skid in sideways, Chocolate in one hand - martini in the other, body thoroughly used up, totally worn out and screaming WOO HOO - What a Ride!' Life is not measured by the number of breaths we take, but the moments that take our breath away."
This is a story about a couple who have been happily married for 40 years.
The only friction in their marriage was the husband's habit of farting loudly every morning when he woke up.
Every morning his wife would plead with him to stop because it was making her sick. He told her he couldn't stop it, and that it was perfectly natural. She told him to see a doctor. She was concerned that one day he would, quite literally, blow his guts out.
The years went by and he continued to start every day the same way.
Then, one Thanksgiving morning, as she was preparing the turkey for dinner and he was upstairs sound asleep, she looked at the bowl where she had put the turkey giblets and a malicious thought came to her. She took the bowl and went upstairs where her husband was sound asleep, gently pulled back the bed covers, lifted up the elastic waistband of his shorts and emptied the bowl of turkey guts into his boxer shorts.
Some time later she heard her husband wake up with his usual trumpeting, followed by a blood-curding scream and the sound of frantic footsteps as he ran into the bathroom. The wife could hardly control herself as she rolled on the floor laughing, tears in her eyes. After years of torture she reckoned that she had got him back.
Twenty minutes later, her husband came downstairs in his blood stained shorts with a look of horror on his face. She bit her lip as she asked him what was the matter. He said, "Honey, you were right. All these years you warned me and I didn't listen to you."
"What do you mean?" asked his wife.
"Well, you always told me that one day I would end up farting my guts out and today it finally happened!"
"But...by the grace of God, ..and some Vaseline, I think I got most of them back in."
Sick of New Yorkers
Four men are driving cross-country together: one from Idaho, one from Iowa, one from Florida, and one from New York.
A short way down the road, the man from Idaho starts to pull potatoes from his bag and throws them out the window. The man from Iowa turns to him and asks, "What the heck are you doing?"
The man from Idaho says, "Man, we have so many of these darned things in Idaho - they're laying all over the ground - I"m sick of looking at them!"
A few miles further down the road, the man from Iowa begins pulling ears of corn from his bag and throwing them out the window. The man from Florida asks, "What are you doing that for?"
The man from Iowa replies, "Man we have so many of these darned things in Iowa - I'm sick of looking at them!"
Inspired by the others, the man from Florida opens the car door and pushes the New Yorker out.
In the beginning...
... God Created heaven and the earth. Quickly he was faced with a class action suit for failure to file an environmental impact statement. He was granted a temporary permit for the project, but was stymied with the Cease and Desist order for the earthly part. Appearing at the hearing, God was asked why he began his earthly project in the first place. He replied that he just liked to be creative.Then God said, "Let there be light." Officials immediately demanded to know how the light would be made. Would there be strip mining? What about thermal pollution? God explained that the light would come from a huge ball of fire. God was granted provisional permission to make light, assuming that no smoke would result from the ball of fire, that he would obtain a building permit, and (to conserve energy) would have the light out half the time. God agreed and said he would call the light "Day" and the darkness "Night." Officials replied that they were not interested in semantics.
God said, "Let the earth bring forth green herb and such as many seed." The EPA agreed so long as native seed was used. Then God said, "Let waters bring forth creeping creatures having life; and the fowl that may fly over the earth." Officials pointed out this would require approval from the Department of Game coordinated with the Heavenly Wildlife Federation and the Audubongelic Society.
Everything was OK until God said he wanted to complete the project in six days. Officials informed him it would take at least 200 days to review the application and the environmental impact statement. After that there would be a public hearing. Then there would be 10-12 months before...
At this point God created Hell.
Robert found out what your computer is up to in your absence.
Whoohoo! (I don't know about you, but I'm always up for a new Mel Brooks comedy.)
Meanwhile, our Russian pals continue to make our rocket scientists at NASA look like a bunch of rank amateurs.
Here's the visionary behind the X Prize:
From the time he was a child in Long Island, smitten by images of the Apollo moon landings, Diamandis has poured his heart and soul into researching space and trying to speed up his chances of getting there. He gave up on the idea of government-sponsored space flight after the 1986 Challenger disaster derailed NASA's space shuttle program. The quickest route to space, he decided, would be through privately funded missions.
So Diamandis set out to make it possible.
My friend opened the drawer to his wife's nightstand and took out a small package wrapped in white paper.
He said, it's not just a simple package, it's lingerie.
He threw away the wrapping and admired the precious silk.
She bought it the first time we went to New York about 8 or 9 years ago. She never used it.
She was saving it for a special occasion. Very well I think this is that occasion.
He went by the bed and laid down the clothing next to the things he would be taking to the funeral home.
His wife had just passed. He turned to me and said.
Never save anything for a special occasion. Every day that you live is a special occasion.
I still think about how these words have changed my life.
Now I read more and clean less. Now I relax on the patio, rather than cutting the grass. I spend more time with friends and family and less time at work.
I understand now that life is a series of experiences to enjoy not survive.
I never save anything. I use the best dishes every day.
I use a new suite to go to the grocery store if I feel like doing so.
I don't save my best cologne for a special party, I use it every day.
The phrases "some day" and "one of these days" have disappeared from my vocabulary.
I don't know what my friends wife would have done had she known that she wouldn't be here tomorrow.
I think she would call her closest friends and her family.
Maybe she would have called old friends to apologize for not staying in touch.
I like to think she would have gone to her favorite Chinese restaurant.
These small things that were never done would bother me if I knew that I only had a few hours to live.
Bothered because I wouldn't see the friends that "some day" I would have taken the time to go see.
Bothered because I didn't write those letters that "some day" I would write.
Bothered and sad because I didn't tell my family how much I love them.
Now I try not to save anything that would add laughter and happiness to our lives.
Every day I tell myself that it's a special day. Every hour, every minute is special.
If you have received this message it's because someone loves you and because there are people that you love.
If you're too busy to take a couple of minutes to forward this to others and you think "one of these days" . . .
That day can be a long time from now and it's possible it may never be.
It just made me think of Bev. She was a great lady. More on Monday, after I've had some time with my cousins in Ohio.
And here's the next big thing Dean Kamen is working on. (I'm still holding out for a motorized barstool, myself -- one with GPS and autopilot.)
Here's an article on Burt Rutan and his quest to make space more accessible to all of us. Cool stuff!
The stage was set up with three judges on the left (the pianist from the ship's orchestra, the lead singer from one of the lounge bands, and a guest entertainer), the main stage in the center, and two rows of comfy seating (and lots of champagne) on the right for the finalists.
We were a diverse group -- three guys and three women, ages ranging from early twenties up into the high seventies. Song styles included Rosemary Clooney, Tony Bennett, Buddy Holly, country rock (yours truly), Garth Brooks and Patsy Cline.
(I learned something funny doing this -- I get nervous and mess up when there are only a couple of people in the audience... but put me in a room full of people and I just can't miss. Finally my Leo nature asserts itself. Who'd have thunk it?)
Anyway, Team Trouble (more about them later) made sure the Princess Mom made it to the show. I was actually able to snag her a front row seat!
The best part of the whole experience was that all the finalists really liked one another, and we were rooting for each other louder than anyone else. The guy I'd suspected would win the thing proved me correct. I was thrilled for him. I can belt out a tune and get the crowd jumping, but Ken is a true singer. From what I understand, the voting was very close -- a good thing, too, because every one of the finalists was excellent.
After the show was over, Team Trouble (Debbie (from Boston), Pam (her sister, from Cincinnati) and Joyce (from Cape Cod) and yours truly) trotted the Princess Mom over to our home away from home, the Explorer Lounge. The Princess outdid herself, and stayed with us until about midnight -- much later than her usual bedtime.
All in all, it was a great evening. I had a blast. Wish you could have been there, too.
Saturday and Sunday were at sea days. Boy, howdy, do I like at sea days. You can be as busy or as lazy as you want.
Saturday was lazy, indeed. Lots of reading out on the balcony. Lovely naps. Explorer Lounge in the evening. Bliss.
On Sunday, I used some of that time for my last photography class -- a photo critique session. Was very interesting and helpful. Also managed to fit in a game called the PMS Challenge. ("Port, Midships, Starboard," you philistines!) This was again set in the Universe Lounge, and was a wacky combination of a scavenger hunt, Let's Make a Deal and Beat the Clock. We were split into three teams. Each team had a captain and a coach. The captain could not leave the stage, and was the only person from the team who could place the required items on the judge's table for scoring purposes. The coach was part cheerleader, part dog's body -- the person who got the required item from the team to the captain. Yes, I was a coach. And, yes, we won. We wouldn't have, if it hadn't been for my bra... but that's a story for another day. Picked up the Princess Mom and managed to make it to the talent show at 5:00 p.m. (No, I wasn't in it. I figured that between Princess Idol and the bra incident, I'd had more than my 15 minutes of fame...) Zipped back to the cabin long enough to stuff wardrobe into suitcases, dump them in the hall for pickup by porters, and then headed off to dinner. Took the Princess to the late show -- a review featuring music of the Beatles, the Beach Boys, the Rat Pack, and then some '70s and '80s stuff that just didn't fit in with the rest of the theme. (The Princess loved it. That's all that counts.) After that, I packed the Princess off to bed, and headed out to say my farewells to Team Trouble, the boys at the bar, and the Cruise Director's staff. You see? Busy, busy day!
Monday morning we were up before the sun, and had an early breakfast. Then it was a lot of hurry up and wait. I was truly impressed with how smoothly the disembarkation process went. They got us off the ship and connected with our luggage (all our luggage. Last cruise I was on, I came home with one piece less than I'd arrived with...) in record time. Then we stood around and waited for our transport to the airport. We waited some more. And then we waited even longer. Finally got to the Ft. Lauderdale airport around 11:30 a.m. Couldn't check in with ATA until after 1:00 p.m., as there was nobody on duty before then. Had to sit around guarding a mountain of luggage until that time. So we read. And we ate (I ran for take-out). Then we checked in. Read some more. Shopped a little bit. Toddled onto the plane and... sigh. Headed home.
Part of me was ready to come home. The other part thought I should have locked myself in the cabin and refused to come out until after the ship sailed again. Ah, well. There's always another trip.
After Cabo San Lucas, we stopped in Acapulco. Mom loved it. I hated it. Mom loved it because it gave her great memories of Daddy, and the time they spent there 20+ years ago. I hated it because there's so much dirt and poverty there, cheek-by-jowl with so much beauty and money that it would make your head spin. Clearly, Acapulco has never heard of a trickle-down economy.
Next stop, Huatulco. I fell in love. Huatulco is a relatively new resort area, and the government has gone to great lengths to make much of the coastline preserved lands. Mom and I took a catamaran ride and saw five of the many bays in the area. They're lined with pristine, unpopulated beaches. Gorgeous. We were really impressed at how the government has put restrictions on building, including requiring waste water treatment plants for all the big resorts. No waste water will be funneled directly into the ocean. Also, they've protected several beaches for the preservation of sea turtle nesting grounds. (And, yes, we did see turtles as we headed out of port.)
(In fact, I'm already planning to go back for a week in October or November of next year. Hotel rooms run from $60-$150 a night during that time, and you can get a direct flight out of Chicago, Houston or LA. The hotels will water taxi you out to any beach you choose, and run you home at the time you specify. Anybody want to join me?)
The fourth stop was Punta Arenas in Costa Rica. Punta Arena itself is mainly industrial, and not much to look at. We passed on going through the tree tops, and took a trip to Turu Ba Ri, instead. TBR is a new preserve that contains an orchid farm, a butterfly farm, a bromeliad farm, a working model of a Costa Rican farm complete with animals and sugar cane processing demonstration, and a dry rain forest. I got some truly lovely photos there. Next time I go (and, yes, I will be going back there some time, too), I plan on doing their zip line. Rather than whizzing through the tree tops in a seated position, you go prone, looking rather like Super Man. Whee! It really looked like fun.
The fifth stop was the Panama Canal. Hard to believe that marvel of engineering, and how old it is. I wonder if, even knowing the technology we have today, it could have been done any better. I really don't think so. Anyway, after the last lock, we docked in Panama. We did a little shopping in the dockside bazaar. Half a billion molas (a kind of reverse quilting, done in really bright colors), lots of kitschy, touristy crap, and lots of weird boozes for sale. Also some neat baskets done by the rain forest indians... who were wearing loin cloths with thongs in the back, tattoos, a little body paint and nothing else (the men). The women added necklaces, and skirts about six inches long. Needless to say, Mom was goggle-eyed.
Today we're in Aruba. The water is just glorious here. I went on a sail and snorkle this morning, and could have stayed out there forever. What's weird here is that we've seen mountains at every other stop, and Aruba is flatter than a pancake. A little jarring on the eyeballs after all that rolling scenery.
Did I mention that there was karayoke in my future? Well, I've gotten myself into the "Princess Idol" competition... and the finals are tonight in one of the big theaters. (Got home 2 days ago to a star on my door. Whoohoo!) Only six of us left. What a hoot. Mom has missed the earlier heats, and my onboard buddies have threatened to carry her there bodily tonight! Too much fun.
Anyway, gotta run and shower off the salt. Rehearsals are at 6 p.m., and the show starts at 10:30. Wish me luck!